To email my ex a final time?

[Jojobar]

I was in a relationship for a number of years which ended recently.

He was living at my house during the lockdown period, which he didn't like as he doesn't like it here. He started behaving a bit off-ish to me, not coming to bed til 3am, that kind of thing. I instigated a conversation which he didn't like , the discussion became quite heated and he ended up putting his hands on me and poking me. Didn't hurt but it was more the significance of it. He stormed out and went home (lives over 3 hours away).
He contacted me a week later and tried to say there was fault on both sides, we were both as bad as each other. I said that I needed him to apologise for what he'd done to me and how it had upset me, he needed to acknowledge it was wrong and he wouldn't do it again (for context he is 6 inches taller and about 9st heavier than me).

He refused and asked if I was really going to throw away our relationship for such a pathetic reason. I said that I couldn't see a way to move forward in the absence of an apology/ acknowledgment. He said have it your own way...that was the end of the call. That was 2 weeks ago and I've not heard from him since.

I really hoped he would see it from my POV, but I don't think he can. Even up to the last few days I've been hoping he might have some kind of lightbulb moment where he realises he's being unfair but he's so entrenched into believing he is never wrong that I don't think that can happen.

I am really quite angry at him for throwing everything away over something so minor - I willingly apologise for things all the time, am always trying to see the other persons viewpoint. Our relationship has not been plain sailing, he was diagnosed with cancer after we'd been together only 6 months (he's fine now thankfully), he's suffered multiple bereavements, lost a job, I've helped him moved house 4 times, supported him through a difficult court case...yes I have ups and downs but nothing on that scale. He also cheated on me last year, as a result of which we split up for a number of months.

I just feel like I supported him through all that, which wasn't easy, forgave his infidelity (and all the shit which came with it as the woman he was seeing then started stalking and harassing me) and he couldn't make this small effort for me? It really sticks in my craw, and I want to write to him and tell him.

And also to call him out on some of his other bullshit, like he said more than once that we'd get engaged yet no ring ever appeared. Even last year after all the shit he and that psycho put me through, I said if we were going to get back together I'd want some kind of commitment, he agreed. Said something like hoe it was quid pro quo for giving him another chance. But nothing happened.

I dont think whatever I write to him will change the outcome, but I just want to have my say. Or as he would say, insist on having the last word, because apparently I see all arguments as wining and I have to win. His words. I just want to call out his bullshit because even if due to his 20 odd years of habitual weed smoking he can't remember what he's said, I bloody well can.

So WIBU to email him?

Very well put @lolaflores

If you think that abuse is something "so minor" then you are better off single.
Move on, don't contact him again.

The friends thing - honestly I have tried. Some I've known for 30 years but they're fairweather friends at best. Only contact me when they need my help. I've got a group of mums I know through my kids, but they all have lifelong friends elsewhere. Lost touch with people I knew at uni as our lives went in different directions. Colleagues - also have better friends outside work. And tbh I don't have a lot in common with any of them - work people, we work together but that doesn't mean we are that similar. Like I said, I'm kind of a square peg. I 'know' loads of people but actual friends, none really other than him and as it turned out he wasn't much of a friend either.

Unfortunately you won’t get the closure you expect from him so you need to find it yourself. As frustrating as that is to hear, it is true. And I’ve had to accept this myself

Therapy is giving me the chance to work on my self esteem self worth and also just offload and process things. Giving myself closure on a lot of things

jojobar The first two counsellors I saw were via an NHS referral when I had depression. The first one I could just tell within 10 mins that I wouldn't click with her so I didn't go back after the introductory session. The second counsellor (again NHS) I just got good vibes off from the start. She opened my eyes to the fact that that my ex husband was abusive, not in a trying to persuade me kind of way but with gentle questioning so that I came to my own realisation about the treatment I'd been tolerating without even realising.

It was several years later when I felt the need for further counselling and again, took me two false starts to find the right one (I paid privately this time).

What I found was that the two good counsellors truly listened to my individual circumstances and gradually steered me into coming to my own conclusions whilst giving me a new, healthy frame of reference in which to come to those conclusions. The counsellors who I didn't get on with all seemed to plunge straight in and I kind of got the feeling they were trying to slot my needs into their own script of the situations they'd previously studied/advised on if that makes sense.

The Wasteman Chronicles yet again. An aggressive cheating druggie described as an intelligent man worth having.

OP you'd only sit waiting and waiting for a reply from him. If he doesn't reply you'll make yourself ill torturing your mind. If he does, you'll wrangle back & forth then get back together on his terms. Continuation of an argumentative relationship.

But bearing in mind he's commitment-shy and also hasn't even bothered with you for 2 weeks, at least you have time for some soul searching. & to perhaps access some online counselling regarding your need for this type of character in your life.

Obviously he’s a complete waste of time and abusive but you don’t sound so delightful yourself, you’ve made a thread where you talk about how shit your ex is and every comment tells you not to email him and all of your replies are going into more detail about your boyfriend which no one asked for because nothing will change the fact he’s a dick and also bragging about your own achievements and personal qualities. Just ignore your ex and give your ego a shake.

you spent a long time with this person so obviously there are aspects of him that you love and no matter how he treated you, will are entitled to miss that person, your friend and confidant. But writing to him is a way of keeping communication open, which there is no need for as you both need to move on. You met each other at a time in your lives where you could be there for each other in different ways but just get on with your life. It is irrelevant whether he got a ring or not, or that he is jealous of his siblings, those things shouldn't bother you anymore. let him crack on with his life and you get on with yours.

I didn't put up with him being physical with me. He was physical with me once and once only, and I wouldn't have allowed it to happen again.

He placed his hands on me once. I made it clear that he had to apologise and acknowledge how wrong that was before we could even begin to discuss whether our relationship could continue. We didn't get beyond that because he wouldn't apologise. But I couldn't have continued anyway even if he had apologised unless he also could have assured me it wouldn't happen again.

I'm obviously giving you all the negatives; there were many positives to our relationship, he did make me extremely happy. I was a far more rounded person with him in my life. It was far from all bad, otherwise we wouldn't have lasted as many years as we did. But in his refusal to apologise and acknowledge the seriousness of what he did, he's demonstrated a complete lack of ownership of his actions and disregard for me and my feelings. So there can be no way back from this.

He's the only man I've ever had a relationship with who was similar to me in intelligence, personality etc, and who valued my brain as much as everything else. I've never met another man who hasn't expected me to dumb myself down...so I don't think there are loads of men out there

That may be so, but he has been unfaithful and violent, so he is not someone you should be pursuing a relationship with.

I do understand that you want him to acknowledge what he did, but I think it would be better if you left things as they are, and moved on with your life.

This man isn't worth it.

I would message/email him but make sure you say everything in it that you want to say and not expect a reply. I'm not saying to write it aggressively but have the last word and leave it so you feel like you can draw a line. You sound better off with out him as he sounds like he was 'engineering' the end of the relationship anyway, sadly.
I can assure you you will be much better of being single.
Cut the cord by having the last word... he's expecting it anyway

No by replying you just leaving the door open. It will also make him angry I imagine and then retaliate somehow. It isn’t worth it

No don't send any emails or texts. Silence is the best response.

Just block him and get on with your life. You are well rid of him.He sounds a complete twat.

Darling, you had crap therapy. I mean CRAP. That's not therapy, it's NHS derisory offerings delivered at the cheapest possible rate from their abysmal MH budget.

Pay for the real stuff. That's how you do it, you cobble together your own recovery by hook or by crook. Look on BACP site to find therapists in your area. It's an essential expense sometimes.

I hope it isn't too long before you see with clarity he is a shit. You dont have to settle for the crumbs from his (thick - he's not very bright is he?) table but can have the full banquet with a decent human being. These aren't platitudes

He's a loser on some many levels.

Never have anything else to do with him.

Anytime you think about him try and refocus on something else.

You will never fix him.

Sorry, didn't answer your op: write it, edit it, get it right.

DON'T SEND IT. No matter how well written, DON'T.

curiousity so you're saying I think too much of myself and my ego is too big? Yet other posters have said I lack self esteem...

I don't have anyone to discuss this with in real life as I have no friends or family (other than my kids but obviously I can't discuss with them). I'd like to be able to talk to someone but that isn't possible.

I'm going to write down my thoughts and not send them, at least that will stop it all rattling round in my brain.

R.E Counselling it's not about giving you any answers or telling you what you need to do. It's there to help you process, work through any issues and how to manage your feelings/emotions in a way that suits you best. I've had NHS therapy, it's shit and time-limited. Often longer is needed than what they actually offer and if your area is anything like mine, when you get re-referred it means seeing someone new and explaining everything from the start again. Go private if you can, the continuity of care is vital.

Send the bloody EMAIL....

you've spent 2 pages telling us why you need to send the email so send it...

pour your heart out to someone who doesn't give a rats arse about you or laying his hands on you ... or staying faithful to you.. or even respects you or your home... Yip.. Send the email OP...

and wait for him to tell you why you are wrong...

So a man who's 6 inches taller and about 9st heavier put his hands on you and poked you. Then he not only refused to apologise but asked you if you were really going to throw away our relationship for such a pathetic reason.

You then go on to say he's the only man I've ever had a relationship with who was similar to me in intelligence, personality etc, and who valued my brain as much as everything else. I've never met another man who hasn't expected me to dumb myself down...

Don't con yourself. This guy doesn't value your brain. He doesn't value you, full stop. He thinks you're a mug, and for good reason. You appear to have made nearly all the effort throughout your relationship. Even now you're trying to get a response you should know is never going to happen.

I know it can be hard for very brainy women to find partners. A lot of men seem to feel threatened by us. A lot of intellectual women look for men on the "same level", which I think is misguided. There are lots of different types of intelligence. You can be brilliant at debating but have zero creativity or common sense, for instance.

DH had hardly any qualifications and wasn't academic at all. But he had an astonishing level of emotional intelligence. I was in awe of that. And not only was he not threatened by my intellect but he thought I was a genius and was very proud of me.

Please forget about this loser and broaden your approach to dating. The most important qualities in a partner are kindness and a sense of fairness.

Please don't send anything to him and don't contact him. Block, delete, move on.

I've been there, but after being apart for 3 month he contacted me just saying "wow x".

He'd gone on the holiday we'd planned to go on and I responded (stupidly) with "good :-)"

That was the start of a truly awful few months of him harassing me, threatening me with everything under the sun.

Nothing good can come from starting up any form of communication. He will never consider that he's been unreasonable, because in his mind. he's the victim.

Honestly? You've had a glimpse into the future with him. Its over, don't go back.

@Jojobar because you’ve spent 6 pages of this thread talking about how intelligent you are and how you’ve never found a man who matches your intellect. Going into detail about how both of you are great people with great backgrounds. You even said that you have ‘friends’ but you actually don’t consider them friends you consider them ‘acquaintances’ I wonder if they know you view them like this. If you don’t have friends there’s probably a good reason for it. Message your ex if you’re this desperate to win some sort of argument but just know that it won’t bring you peace, sometimes no closure is closure. You need to work on how to move your life forward not keep arguing with someone who doesn’t care about you enough to hear you out

My counsellor gets me to write letters I never send
I wrote one yesterday! It’s therapeutic
I don’t send them though

Bumblebee, no I've said several times I'm going to write it out but NOT send it. I'm even writing it in word to remove any temptation to just press send.

Prawn, I don't look for academic qualifications. My Ex has almost none. But he is clever, interesting, funny, well read. He has a similar politicial/ world view to me, we used to joke about what awful cynics we were. When we met and indeed for the majority of our relationship seemed to value my brain, to enjoy discussions with me; he is more of a techy bent and I am more literature and history but we used to enjoy learning from each other...we'd go to places and I'd be a bit of a history guide which he liked/appreciated, meanwhile he taught me how to maintain my car, and would talk to me knowledgeably about lots of science things.

I never sought out to find someone with a first class degree or string of qualifications. I just wanted someone with enough intelligence that we had common ground, could string a sentence together and not feel threatened by me. I wanted an equal, but I do now see that he wasn't my equal in the ways that really matter.