To email my ex a final time?

[Jojobar]

I was in a relationship for a number of years which ended recently.

He was living at my house during the lockdown period, which he didn't like as he doesn't like it here. He started behaving a bit off-ish to me, not coming to bed til 3am, that kind of thing. I instigated a conversation which he didn't like , the discussion became quite heated and he ended up putting his hands on me and poking me. Didn't hurt but it was more the significance of it. He stormed out and went home (lives over 3 hours away).
He contacted me a week later and tried to say there was fault on both sides, we were both as bad as each other. I said that I needed him to apologise for what he'd done to me and how it had upset me, he needed to acknowledge it was wrong and he wouldn't do it again (for context he is 6 inches taller and about 9st heavier than me).

He refused and asked if I was really going to throw away our relationship for such a pathetic reason. I said that I couldn't see a way to move forward in the absence of an apology/ acknowledgment. He said have it your own way...that was the end of the call. That was 2 weeks ago and I've not heard from him since.

I really hoped he would see it from my POV, but I don't think he can. Even up to the last few days I've been hoping he might have some kind of lightbulb moment where he realises he's being unfair but he's so entrenched into believing he is never wrong that I don't think that can happen.

I am really quite angry at him for throwing everything away over something so minor - I willingly apologise for things all the time, am always trying to see the other persons viewpoint. Our relationship has not been plain sailing, he was diagnosed with cancer after we'd been together only 6 months (he's fine now thankfully), he's suffered multiple bereavements, lost a job, I've helped him moved house 4 times, supported him through a difficult court case...yes I have ups and downs but nothing on that scale. He also cheated on me last year, as a result of which we split up for a number of months.

I just feel like I supported him through all that, which wasn't easy, forgave his infidelity (and all the shit which came with it as the woman he was seeing then started stalking and harassing me) and he couldn't make this small effort for me? It really sticks in my craw, and I want to write to him and tell him.

And also to call him out on some of his other bullshit, like he said more than once that we'd get engaged yet no ring ever appeared. Even last year after all the shit he and that psycho put me through, I said if we were going to get back together I'd want some kind of commitment, he agreed. Said something like hoe it was quid pro quo for giving him another chance. But nothing happened.

I dont think whatever I write to him will change the outcome, but I just want to have my say. Or as he would say, insist on having the last word, because apparently I see all arguments as wining and I have to win. His words. I just want to call out his bullshit because even if due to his 20 odd years of habitual weed smoking he can't remember what he's said, I bloody well can.

So WIBU to email him?

He won't care if I don't contact him, in his view that will reaffirm that I know I'm in the wrong.

I just want to call him out on his shit. All the stuff with the bloody ring. He thinks hes the perfect partner because women like that psycho he was cheating on me with tell him he wonderful he is. Yet all my friends (I use the term friends loosely, I don't really have friends they're more acquaintances) didn't like him and thought he was an arse, and that's even before the cheating.

No don't contact him. As a man there's never an excuse to put your hands on a woman in a violent manner. 6 inches taller and 9 stone heavier offers no resistance. He sounds like a complete arrogant pig, unable to see or accept where he's gone wrong. You don't have to accept a relationship like this, it's not how it should be or how you would want it to be. If he doesn't contact you let him go and hopefully one day someone will come in to your life that will love you and treat you with the respect everyone should expect in a relationship.

Good riddance of him, he sounds absolutely awful. I once heard that you should not write any emails to exes that you wouldn't feel comfortable with if they were posted on Facebook. I am not saying that will happen but he might share what you wrote to him with others so be careful what you send him. Personally I would write down the email, save it as a draft and keep it there for let's say a month. If you still want to send it after a month then do so. Chances are that 1 month from now you don't want to send it and you'll be happy that you waited. Another option is to send it to a good friend that you trust, so you could at least send it to someone.

He quite obviously doesn't care, maybe he's with her. Who knows but if I were you I would arrange some counselling for myself.

Thank your lucky stars that he didn’t give you a fake apology and move on. He sounds like a total asshole and you are much better off single than with someone who cheats and lays hands on you.

dontdisturbmenow Yes I apologised on the night, because he said he'd tried to talk to me previously and I'd rebuffed the discussion. I also apologised when we spoke for some other stuff. I can, and do apologise. He can't and doesn't.

He didn’t value your brain, he cheated on you and put his hands on you in an argument. He may have pretended to value your intelligence, but he has no respect for you.

When someone shows you who the are the biggest favour you can do for yourself is listen

You need counselling. any man is not better than no man. He is a wanker. You need to do some work on you to address your issues that you were with this man at all.

If he valued you and your brain so much why did he cheat on you?

He sounds horrid.

It's scraping the bottom of the barrel really, you want him because you haven't found anything better. I would work on your self worth first and raise the bar TBH.

I know my post will sound bitchy, but I do mean it in the kindest way.
You are worth so much more than this relationship.

"he was diagnosed with cancer after we'd been together only 6 months (he's fine now thankfully), he's suffered multiple bereavements, lost a job, I've helped him moved house 4 times, supported him through a difficult court case"

Do you have proof that all of this happened to him? And the court case..do you know exactly what it was for?

You gave him so much and he cheated on you? Wow - he is no catch, he's a prize arsehole. You can, and will, do better. Write the email - it'll be cathartic for you. Edit and tweak it until it's all out of your system. Don't send it. It won't make a jot of difference to him because he doesn't care about you. Once you accept that you'll be able to move on.

He cheated on me because it was 'just sex'. He has lots of hangups around sex which someone suggested to me have madonna/ whore components. That's all a whole other thread in itself.

My self esteem is honestly really good, in fact I'm normally criticised for being too arrogant. I did see a counsellor last year for a bit, her advice just seemed to be to trust my own judgment and do what made me happy - so I did which was why we ended up getting back together. That and the terminal illness of his family member.

He doesn’t ‘value your brain as much as anything else’ - he doesn’t value you at all. He cheats, he gets physical in arguments, he’s no interest in making a commitment to you, he acts off towards you and doesn’t come to bed because he’s sulking, he is a drug user, he won’t acknowledge his own fault nor try to accept your point of view. What part of that says he values anything about you? What part of it says ‘worth persevering with the conversation/relationship’.

I understand the need to put your points across but it will make no difference, he’ll think it proves how much you still care and will twist everything you said anyway. And even if it did miraculously cause some big epiphany in him and he finally realised you were right all along - why on earth would you want to stay with someone who treats you badly and seems to offer little in the way of respect, communication, honesty, fidelity, concern for your feelings? Don’t you want those things?

Don’t email him. In 5 years time, possible much earlier you will look back and be thankful that he didn’t apologise and that you had enough self respect to end this now.

Write it in a letter and burn it. Get some therapy and forgive him... Not so you can hey back together, but so you can move on.
He will never acknowledge any wrong doing, I never got that or an apology after 11 years with my ex when we separated. It's the hardest thing moving on when you've not had closure but you need to find it within yourself.

Why do you want him to say anything? He has had the opportunity and chosen not to. It's ended and if you send an e-mail you'll be constantly checking for a reply that may never come. Why do that to yourself.

It sounds like a co-dependent sort of arrangement masquerading as a relationship. From what you've posted OP, it really wasn't one. Lockdown is tough; spending it with some who puts their hands on you is not worth the 'company'.

Don't e-mail.

Mlou32 yes I went to his oncology appointments, accompanied him to hospital for surgery and follow ups, went to the chapel of rest with him to pay respects to family members, was at court with him...it's all true, I was there for all of it.

But he taught me to drive though. So according to him that all balances out!

OK so let's summarise - he is:

Violent
A liar
Incapable of apologising
Unfaithful
Addicted to weed

And what exactly are his good points? He sounds bloody awful. I know you are pissed off because he's behaved like a dick and doesn't appreciate you. But he hasn't changed at all throughout your relationship, so stop expecting him to experience a Damascene- style conversion now where he suddenly recognises that he's treated you like shite.

My guess is the silent treatment is part of his modus operandi and he'll be expecting you to make contact and grovel to get him to come back. Don't. Delete, block, stay quiet and move on.

I'd certainly rather be on my own than be with that excuse for a man.

Not getting in touch doesn't just send a message to him that he's not worth it, it should also send a message to YOU. He isn't worth getting your knickers in a knot about. So he thinks he's perfect, so he didn't deliver on the ring promise, so his failure to apologise pisses you off... so what? He's not going to be in your life any more. Don't allow him to matter that much to you.

You are angry that he won't acknowledge his faults. You are right to be angry, but wrong in thinking that TELLING him about those faults will be any use.

It will just reiterate to him that he is wonderful, that you are petty and nit-picky and desperate for him to come back to you.

Silence is the best revenge. Honestly. Try handwriting a long, long letter that details all your feelings and anger, and then burning it. Then stamp on the ashes, shouting 'fuck you fuck you'.

Then get on with your life.

Seriously he sounds awful. Your self esteem needs working on if you put up with all that. I would have shown him the door long ago.

You are worth so much more.

Don’t give him any of your time or brain space.

Write it all down and send it to yourself, not him. Then read it if he ever gets back in touch and you're tempted
Better by far to be alone than with an arse like that
He didn't value you, if he did he would have treated you better

Put your energy into making your life without him more fun and interesting

Don't email him.

I can understand the urge to email someone if you feel you haven't had a chance to express yourself properly and you regret not saying certain things or getting your point of view across in the way you wanted to.

But don't. It never makes things better.

This man is twice your size, has been physically violent towards you, and will not apologise for what he has done. If he really really didn't mean it then he should be mortified about his behaviour and be begging you for forgiveness. The fact that he's acting as though you're being unreasonable for wanting him to apologise and making out like it's no big deal is a massive red flag. If you back down on this then you're essentially saying, yes, I overreacted, it was no big deal. That then gives him carte blanche to do it again, or do something worse next time. You might not think you're backing down by emailing him, but that is how he will see it. He's giving you the silent treatment and if you are the one who cracks and contacts him, he will take that to mean you don't want to let him go and he will be able to manipulate you.

He's also cheated on you, which is always wrong but particularly dreadful given all the support you've given him during difficult times over the years.

He's showing you who he is. Pay attention. You don't need to hear any more from him. You don't need to explain anything to him. He won't listen and you won't get what you want out of the conversation.

Just walk away, don't look back, and when you're ready, start a new relationship with someone more deserving of your love.

Good grief , please don't do email him . If he didn't have anything to say after a couple of weeks , he wont have anything to say after an email . If you need to get it off your chest , write a letter and post it to YOURSELF. Your self esteem has taken a hit and you can and will do so much better. Also please don't normalise "putting his hands on me and poking me", this is not a good relationship .