To email my ex a final time?

[Jojobar]

I was in a relationship for a number of years which ended recently.

He was living at my house during the lockdown period, which he didn't like as he doesn't like it here. He started behaving a bit off-ish to me, not coming to bed til 3am, that kind of thing. I instigated a conversation which he didn't like , the discussion became quite heated and he ended up putting his hands on me and poking me. Didn't hurt but it was more the significance of it. He stormed out and went home (lives over 3 hours away).
He contacted me a week later and tried to say there was fault on both sides, we were both as bad as each other. I said that I needed him to apologise for what he'd done to me and how it had upset me, he needed to acknowledge it was wrong and he wouldn't do it again (for context he is 6 inches taller and about 9st heavier than me).

He refused and asked if I was really going to throw away our relationship for such a pathetic reason. I said that I couldn't see a way to move forward in the absence of an apology/ acknowledgment. He said have it your own way...that was the end of the call. That was 2 weeks ago and I've not heard from him since.

I really hoped he would see it from my POV, but I don't think he can. Even up to the last few days I've been hoping he might have some kind of lightbulb moment where he realises he's being unfair but he's so entrenched into believing he is never wrong that I don't think that can happen.

I am really quite angry at him for throwing everything away over something so minor - I willingly apologise for things all the time, am always trying to see the other persons viewpoint. Our relationship has not been plain sailing, he was diagnosed with cancer after we'd been together only 6 months (he's fine now thankfully), he's suffered multiple bereavements, lost a job, I've helped him moved house 4 times, supported him through a difficult court case...yes I have ups and downs but nothing on that scale. He also cheated on me last year, as a result of which we split up for a number of months.

I just feel like I supported him through all that, which wasn't easy, forgave his infidelity (and all the shit which came with it as the woman he was seeing then started stalking and harassing me) and he couldn't make this small effort for me? It really sticks in my craw, and I want to write to him and tell him.

And also to call him out on some of his other bullshit, like he said more than once that we'd get engaged yet no ring ever appeared. Even last year after all the shit he and that psycho put me through, I said if we were going to get back together I'd want some kind of commitment, he agreed. Said something like hoe it was quid pro quo for giving him another chance. But nothing happened.

I dont think whatever I write to him will change the outcome, but I just want to have my say. Or as he would say, insist on having the last word, because apparently I see all arguments as wining and I have to win. His words. I just want to call out his bullshit because even if due to his 20 odd years of habitual weed smoking he can't remember what he's said, I bloody well can.

So WIBU to email him?

Definitely don’t contact him. The fact that he would let the relationship go rather than apologise should tell you everything you need to know.

He also cheated on me last year, as a result of which we split up for a number of months.
The relationship has been all but over for a long time. It isn't just about this one incident where it all came to a head. He doesn't like your house so that's not great either.
You are not compatible and it's good that this has happened because you were never going to have a happy life with him.
It's hard to acknowledge this and I have taken a long time to come to terms with my last break up but sometimes the relationship is just completely wrong and there's no point fighting to try to save it. It's over and it was probably never really there in the first place - that's what I think about mine now.

Don't even think about whether you will find someone else etc. Concentrate on your own life, on being you, on your friends and family.
Do not contact him again. It doesn't matter what you say, he thinks he's right.
Get an exercise book and write down your thoughts there. Write down all the "incidents" which occurred over the relationship and you'll see just how many there were.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig

I think writing an email , or a letter, or whatever is a REALLY good idea, to get it all out of your head and down on paper (whether physical or electronic) - but for the love of all things holy, do NOT send it.

I did this with a wanker ex - he was narcissistic, abusive, luckily never hurt me physically and even more luckily he left me for someone else (unusual) - and I wrote a letter to him, initially assuming I'd send it but as more poured out of me, I realised there was no point. It was very cathartic though, getting it all out!

And yes - consider the Freedom programme (online), or counselling once lockdown is over.

But no - you have ZERO need to contact this one again. He'll only take it as proof that you've been thinking about him and can't get over him.

I feel like I need to understand a bit more about counselling really (appreciate that probably sounds a bit daft) and what it will achieve.

I had some talking therapy from the NHS around anxiety a few years ago, I was feeling completely overwhelmed by life. I was in a group scenario with others. And they all had far more serious issues than me, so it worked only by making me think things could be worse and getting on with it!

I saw a counsellor last year when my relationship broke down, and we just spent 6 sessions talking about my life, but I didn't seem to feel there were any answers, like I said she basically said I should think about what made me happy and do it - which I thought was getting back together with him so I did. And we all know how that turned out...

I feel I need to work out what I want to get from counselling and what it can give me before I go forward. I can afford to pay - the NHS provision is only for groups in our area anyway.

Don't send an e mail . Ignore and get on with your life.

You would be really stupid to ever contact this man again. Any man who is violent towards you is absolute scum. You’d be better off to remain single for the rest of your life than to be with him.

Your counsellor was talking shit when she advised you to ‘do what makes you happy’. A man who cheats and takes drugs is not going to be a good partner.

Block him on your phone etc, move on and never waste another second of your precious time on him again.

I apologise for my post, Jojobar, it was intended well but obviously, if your children are adult, it really is more about soothing your own soul and that's how it should be.

I imagine though, your children will be nothing but relieved to see their mum free of somebody who didn't treat her well.

I won't say that there are better men out there for you, there may be, you may or may not meet them but, better for your sanity and peace of mind to be free of the men who are so much less deserving of your time. You do deserve a hell of a lot better.

Again, I'm sorry for my earlier post.

Don't be afraid to shop around for a counsellor. It's like clothes - you wouldn't try on a pair of jeans that didn't quite feel comfortable then dismiss all jeans as not for you... you just need to find the right fit. Don't proceed after the first session or two with a counsellor if they don't click with you. Over the years I've seen two excellent counsellors and ditched three crap ones.

Lying, no need to apologise, honestly. I probably should have explained when mentioning them that they're not actually children any more!

They were a bone of contention with him as he often used to reference the fact he left home in his teens, how I needed to make them more independent. should mother them less etc. Yet he failed to see how he was almost as untidy as them, and also leaving home as a teen on NMW meant that he got into a massive debt spiral which he only paid off in his mid 30s (and at one point owed about 40k)

MyCat was it just a feeling you got from the counsellor? Having only had 1 (not including the group scenario) I just feel I don't know what I'm looking for, or how to judge it. I suppose it is a completely personal thing though.

In an earlier post you say you don't have family or friends. You do have family - your children - you can nurture your relationships with them, and in time if they have partners and children your family will grow again
Maybe if you focus on you for a bit, you will make new friends, doing things you enjoy doing
You're in a much better position to start a new relationship if you are content with yourself. But there's nothing wrong with being on your own, better than putting up with a knob like your ex

You’ve called him out on his shit already and it did not have any impact on him at all. You can email him again now if you want and in two weeks and then two months and for as long as you want but if he disagrees with you then no amount of emails repeating yourself will change his mind. It will just reinforce his opinion that you are controlling and misguided.

If the previous men in your life have expected you to ‘dumb down’ it would indicate to me you’ve been making poor choices, maybe settling. IME intelligent men appreciate intelligent women, just as I (as an intelligent woman) prefer intelligent friends and my intelligent husband. I get along with stupid people on the periphery of my life but I don’t want live with them or even sleep with them.

FGS.

I was on your original thread where you wanted him to contact you after a week. You were told you wouldn’t get any satisfaction from him and wouldnt hear what you wanted. lo and behold he got in touch, got you to doubt own version of events where you now assert that he didn’t push you but just “poked” you and refused to apologise. Exactly what you were told would happen. You were told to block him and move on and here you are still looking for reasons to contact him. You need to stop OP. You are a moth to an abusers flame. You need to seek support in the form the freedom project or similar. This man has nothing good to offer you. You are done with him. You do not need to email him your opinion of him. You do not need any contact with him. Block him and seek professional support.

God, no. Do not contact this waste of space. Move on and don't look back.

If you want to email him then do it. It could be closure for you, even though he probably won't respond or agree, at least you've had your say. He sounds totally rubbish.

Why do you want to email him... let the fool go.

They were a bone of contention with him as he often used to reference the fact he left home in his teens, how I needed to make them more independent. should mother them less etc. Yet he failed to see how he was almost as untidy as them, and also leaving home as a teen on NMW meant that he got into a massive debt spiral which he only paid off in his mid 30s (and at one point owed about 40k)

So that is just one more negative about him that you'll no longer have to worry about. You can now spend more time enjoying your young adult children without his opinionated nagging. And he wasn't independent - he was dependent on whoever he could borrow money from.

At the moment all these things about him are whirring about in your mind as it as all so fresh. I doubt they are bothering him one bit because he is always 'right'. Give it a month and it will all seem much less important and you think about it less, give it 2 months and you'll think about it less still.

You say you have acquaintances rather than friends, but friendships take time and effort which will be much easier to pursue without the burden of this relationship.

These are strange times for a break up but I think you've had a lucky escape. Rather than compose an email, try writing long hand, then put it in a drawer. Don't send it; there really is no point.

You are right about one thing, he does think you want to have the last word. Which you do.

Don't. This is one of those occasions when silence is golden. The relationship is over. You have said what you needed to say. You seem to have a very clear idea of what went wrong , so why keep picking at the scab to make it bleed?

Much better to be on your own and focus on your kids and friends than stick with a man like that to avoid being single.

I have to laugh at 'find someone better'. I was single for over 5 years before I met him, he's the only man I've ever had a relationship with who was similar to me in intelligence, personality etc, and who valued my brain as much as everything else. I've never met another man who hasn't expected me to dumb myself down...so I don't think there are loads of men out there!

Do not contact him - just be glad you're rid of him. I would say write a letter then burn it but you seem very tempted to contact him so maybe don't even risk that.

You are right, good men who are single are few and far between. But you are wrong that this one respected your intelligence as clearly he was quite threatened by it.

I have had prolonged periods of being single, generally around 5 years in between relationships and often relatively short-term relationships when I was with someone. I gave up completely and was happy being single when I met someone who is just right for me. I am lucky and it is rare I think to meet someone that great later in life. So be single for a bit, concentrate on you, get more and better counselling. You may or may not meet someone, but you will be happier anyway.

Write down everything you want to say to him.
Print it out.
Read it through from his point of view then tear it up.
delete it and block him

I dont think even a brain dump can help. You have to take a positive move in some direction.
You seem to be able to shit down any suggestion and are convinced you will not meet a man /partner of the quality you hope for.
Well, if that's how you see things and seem determined to see things, we are not going to change ge your mind.
No forum can help.
No therapist can help.
No dating app can help.
Which leaves you to dismantle all your own thoughts and behaviours which will keep you trying to get satisfaction from a tosser
Pointless

OP, one area where I think you would benefit from counselling is to talk about your feelings about relationships in general and how you don't seem to think you deserve anyone better.

There are plenty of people out there who will have a similar educational and professional background to you but not look down on you for having more ordinary roots, or who may have a different educational and professional background but are on your level intellectually and will not have a chip on their shoulder about dating someone like you.

Honestly, everyone deserves to find someone who is their equal and who wants to have a healthy, loving relationship. You are no exception. And from your posts there doesn't seem to be any reason why people fitting that description wouldn't be interested in you.

I do think you have self-esteem issues which are leading you to believe you don't deserve any better. Maybe don't jump into another relationship straight away, but I think a good counsellor would help you to accept and believe that you are as deserving of love as anybody else and capable of finding it. If you end up living a happy single life then that's great too, but don't shy away from future relationships just because you believe you don't deserve anything better than what you've had in the past. You do. And there is probably someone out there for you.

If you think you have really good self esteem and value your self worth then perhaps ask yourself why the people answering your thread could see how horrible this man was but you were either unable to see this or put up with it for some reason. They were able to imagine your situation as if it were theirs knowing they were worth much more than this relationship and the crap this man is putting you through but for some reason you put up with his becoming physical with you, cheating on you, being argumentative, being unable to value you enough to hear you say how you are feeling and to validate those feelings, why do you think that is?