To email my ex a final time?

[Jojobar]

I was in a relationship for a number of years which ended recently.

He was living at my house during the lockdown period, which he didn't like as he doesn't like it here. He started behaving a bit off-ish to me, not coming to bed til 3am, that kind of thing. I instigated a conversation which he didn't like , the discussion became quite heated and he ended up putting his hands on me and poking me. Didn't hurt but it was more the significance of it. He stormed out and went home (lives over 3 hours away).
He contacted me a week later and tried to say there was fault on both sides, we were both as bad as each other. I said that I needed him to apologise for what he'd done to me and how it had upset me, he needed to acknowledge it was wrong and he wouldn't do it again (for context he is 6 inches taller and about 9st heavier than me).

He refused and asked if I was really going to throw away our relationship for such a pathetic reason. I said that I couldn't see a way to move forward in the absence of an apology/ acknowledgment. He said have it your own way...that was the end of the call. That was 2 weeks ago and I've not heard from him since.

I really hoped he would see it from my POV, but I don't think he can. Even up to the last few days I've been hoping he might have some kind of lightbulb moment where he realises he's being unfair but he's so entrenched into believing he is never wrong that I don't think that can happen.

I am really quite angry at him for throwing everything away over something so minor - I willingly apologise for things all the time, am always trying to see the other persons viewpoint. Our relationship has not been plain sailing, he was diagnosed with cancer after we'd been together only 6 months (he's fine now thankfully), he's suffered multiple bereavements, lost a job, I've helped him moved house 4 times, supported him through a difficult court case...yes I have ups and downs but nothing on that scale. He also cheated on me last year, as a result of which we split up for a number of months.

I just feel like I supported him through all that, which wasn't easy, forgave his infidelity (and all the shit which came with it as the woman he was seeing then started stalking and harassing me) and he couldn't make this small effort for me? It really sticks in my craw, and I want to write to him and tell him.

And also to call him out on some of his other bullshit, like he said more than once that we'd get engaged yet no ring ever appeared. Even last year after all the shit he and that psycho put me through, I said if we were going to get back together I'd want some kind of commitment, he agreed. Said something like hoe it was quid pro quo for giving him another chance. But nothing happened.

I dont think whatever I write to him will change the outcome, but I just want to have my say. Or as he would say, insist on having the last word, because apparently I see all arguments as wining and I have to win. His words. I just want to call out his bullshit because even if due to his 20 odd years of habitual weed smoking he can't remember what he's said, I bloody well can.

So WIBU to email him?

He's very insecure about the fact that I went to university and he didn't. His family are more middle class than mine, were working in professional jobs so he had opportunities but chose to muck about at school. He is intelligent and could easily have done well - as demonstrated by the fact he now has a career where he earns almost a 6 figure sum (much more than me) by working hard and studying, albeit informally.

When we got back together last year he told me he was often jealous of me. For my education, because I own my own home, have my children, am fit and healthy (relatively). But he doesn't see that required effort, nor does he see what I don't have (famly, or proper friends).

I think I need the catharsis of writing it down BUT I'm not going to send it. I will keep it as a word doc and see how I feel in a month.

I’m seeing zero good points here. He’s not worth an email. Sounds like you’re extremely well off without him.

No, do not email him. My strongest recommendation is just to block him on all platforms and try to move on with your life. I know it’s hard but he’s a cheating, abusive bastard.

Just be thankful you don’t have any ties.

Jeez.
He sounds like a fucking loser OP.
WHY are you even giving this stoner any headspace???
Be glad he is gone.
Keep him gone.
Block, ingore and delete everything.
He'd be a terrible role model as a father.
Raise your bar - a lot!!!!!
Want better for yourself and your future.
Run at the sign of any red flags in future.
Stop flogging dead horses.
Have a look at the Freedom Programme / Project - run by Womens Aid.
Do it on-line asap.
You ignored so so so many red flags here. It's very concerning.

I'd start looking for someone else. My friend had success on dating app for people who had post doctoral degrees.

I wouldn't bother emailing him.
You won't get what you want from it.
I would suggest emailing it to yourself, writing it down would benefit you to get it all out, but he's not going to care and if he does respond it will only serve to make you more angry/ frustrated.

There are plenty of well educated, professional men who are not shits. Don’t settle for less than you’re worth.

Have you posted about this before OP? It sounds awfully familiar and if you are the poster I'm thinking of, you seem to be really obsessive and not moving forward at all.

You kicked him out after he pushed you but you later decided you remembered wrongly? Then you were really pissed off he didn't contact you.

Honestly, let it go and move on. If you are not the poster I'm thinking of, my apologies.

peperethecat I do think he should have begged forgiveness if he realised it was wrong, and it's the fact he doesn't see it was wrong which in some ways is worse.

Long ago, I was in a relationship with someone which turned violent. We were deeply incompatible but we ended up stuck together (long story) and in his way, he kind of loved me. Thankfully he never really hurt me, and I only stayed long enough to work out my escape BUT even he, who wasn't intelligent or articulate, had the sense to realise when he'd crossed the line and did apologise profusely. It made no difference because I was already 'done' .

But comparing those instances almost 20 years apart, I can see how wrong it is that I ended up begging this recent Ex to apologise, and he still wouldn't.

I felt I owed it to the me all those years ago not to just ignore it. He knows about the past btw, one of the things we argued about was his attitude to it was' these things happen'.

Tosser.

The best thing I ever did with my ex, who was similar to yours, was to walk away and not look back.

There were a lot of things I could have put in a letter to him, but that would have been wasting my time and ink. Contacting him would have kept a way in open and I didn't want that. I wanted him to get the message that I was moving on, that he was no more important than a stranger I was reading about in the newspapers. That my life didn't need him in it, in any way, shape or form, to be a very good and happy one.

Two years after we split up I met my DH - who is most definitely my equal. Treats me with respect as I do him, is proud of my small, on line business and tells everyone about it. Supports me the way I support him and is kind, gentle and hard working. My ex is like a piece of dog mess compared to him - wet, incredibly hard to get out of your life once he was in and with a tendency to linger unless you fumigate the house.

Don't bother contacting him. Wait a month. Think about all the plans you can make after the lockdown. If after a month you still feel like contacting him, burn your PC. You have a much better use of your time than him with making a new life for yourself.

As for no-one out there to come up to your standards - that's fine. I had a fantastic couple of years before I met DH. If I'd have had to live like that for a few more years I'd have loved it. I got a good, well paid job, bought a flat, accepted every invitation from work colleagues (because I didn't have to think 'what are we doing that weekend', just 'do I want to go'), had a few little flings and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

The best thing I did was throw my old wedding ring in the bin. That was my turning point - old life gone, new life welcome in.

Enjoy your life. But don't contact him - he's way, way, beneath you.

Don't waste one more single second thinking about him. Leave him in the past and walk boldly into the future without him.

I think your comment he won’t care you haven’t contacted him says it all. So why do you want to contact him unless you are in denial with yourself and you do want him back.

He has lied, cheated and laid hands on you in the heat of an argument.

If you do want him back, that’s up to you. But the excuse that you want to call him on his actions but not in a way to rekindle the relationship doesn’t make sense and is just you having the last word.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. Good that you’re going to write it down in a word document. But what’s with the month target to see how you feel?

Jesus OP, run away, don't walk and don't look back. How can you even think of putting up with this abusive twat and then say that you do not have self esteem problems is astounding!
Get a notebook/diary, starting today, write down everything he has done or said and then write down how it made you feel. Write down your feelings today including anything small but nice that happens. If you clear out a cupboard did it make you feel liberated? Hang on to that feeling. Do it every day until you start to run out of stuff to write down about him and his influence on your life and you have a list of things that genuinely make you feel happy. Recognise that your happiness depends on you and how you feel.
But please, do not contact him - there is nothing he could reply that would improve your life. Block him on everything and move on. Please.

He knows about the past btw, one of the things we argued about was his attitude to it was' these things happen'.

What? No they don't. These things only happen if the man has no respect for the woman and is unable to control his temper.

In the vast majority of relationships, and 100% of good ones, this is something that literally never happens.

I think you are setting the bar low by accepting an apology for his behaviour in the first place as his behaviour was inexcusable. Leave intelligence, houses etc aside- be grateful for him showing his true colours. I think you are focusing on the wrong things as regards this guy. Get some counselling for yourself to get to the bottom of why you were willing to accept an apology for someone that could potentially kill you. Do everything you can to distract yourself from emailing this idiot. I know you are hurt etc but thank yourself lucky he is gone. There are loads of decent guys out there. Be strong for yourself.

Write it all down and get it out of your system. Say everything you want to say. Then keep a copy so that you can always read it again if you're tempted to write to him, but don't send it.

You know he wouldn't take on board anything you say. You know he'll sneer at it. Why give him that opportunity?

Stay quiet. Make no contact and if he contacts you, ignore him. That is going to hurt his ego much more than you writing to him. That just shows that you care.

Jeez, you’ve got kids, and been pissing about with this loser? Give your head a wobble and just be glad he’s gone

"he's the only man I've ever had a relationship with who was similar to me in intelligence, personality etc, and who valued my brain as much as everything else. I've never met another man who hasn't expected me to dumb myself down.."

But you have dumbed yourself down in that you have put up with this shit partner of yours because he was a different variety of shit to your ex partner.

Don't be fooled that there is even a 1% chance he will have a lightbulb moment if he reads your email any more than you would if he sent you a ranty email about how useless a partner you are (in his eyes). He is as convinced of his rightness in all this as you are of yours because he is not judging his or your actions by the same moral compass as you are.

Please don't contact him. Cut all ties. He's an arsehole who you bent over backwards for and looked the other way for for way too long than he deserved.

He sounds awful and like other posters I think you're best just to step away and not contact him. Based on your posts he would most likely just shrug off an email telling him off anyway, people like that never believe they're in the wrong and nothing changes that.

You are never going to get the closure from him that you are hoping for. Trying to will just lead to frustration and prevent you healing emotionally. Draw a firm line in the sand, forget about him and move on with your life.

Please don't email.
For him, it is a minor thing.

It's 'minor' becasue he wants you to brush it under the carpet.
It's minor, because he thinks you don't matter and it's fine to behave how he did, rough you up just a little. All fine, it's minor.
It's not even important enough for him to pay lipservice and say he's sorry.
It's minor because you're not a full human being needing respect. No email can fix that.

OP, you owe it to the YOU all those years ago to get rid of these losers when they show themselves and stop being their support. You owe that to your children even more.

When are you actually going to put them first and stop prioritising these losers? You're currently not doing that and are focused on salve for your own hurt feelings. That's not ok; your children deserve your full attention and, if anybody deserves abject apologies, it's them.

I'm sorry, I know you're hurting at the moment but your children are in the present and they have to carry this crap that they never asked for.

Honestly, you won’t get anything from emailing him - it will just open up an avenue for more excuses, deflection, gaslighting and denial.

You’ve escaped a shitty loser who cheated on you, physically threatened you and disrespects your feelings. That is honestly the only victory you need. Sending an email won’t give him a lightbulb moment - he will be completely defensive and refuse to accept any of it.

Walk away with your head held high.

Genuinely don't do it. I had an ex who sent me not just one bit several ranty letters after I'd finished with him. It didn't impress me one bit, it was just hugely tiresome and confirmed to me that I'd made the right decision to end it.

I would also recommend therapy, as other PPs have done. You shouldn't confuse what your friends call 'arrogance' as being a sign of self-esteem. I can be very opinionated but I'm actually very insecure in many years, after an abusive childhood (that's for another thread). My DSis comes across as very opinionated, too, but her exH was abusive to her. She then met her now DH, who is really lovely, as is my DH, so you can still find love with someone more deserving of you.