To email my ex a final time?

[Jojobar]

I was in a relationship for a number of years which ended recently.

He was living at my house during the lockdown period, which he didn't like as he doesn't like it here. He started behaving a bit off-ish to me, not coming to bed til 3am, that kind of thing. I instigated a conversation which he didn't like , the discussion became quite heated and he ended up putting his hands on me and poking me. Didn't hurt but it was more the significance of it. He stormed out and went home (lives over 3 hours away).
He contacted me a week later and tried to say there was fault on both sides, we were both as bad as each other. I said that I needed him to apologise for what he'd done to me and how it had upset me, he needed to acknowledge it was wrong and he wouldn't do it again (for context he is 6 inches taller and about 9st heavier than me).

He refused and asked if I was really going to throw away our relationship for such a pathetic reason. I said that I couldn't see a way to move forward in the absence of an apology/ acknowledgment. He said have it your own way...that was the end of the call. That was 2 weeks ago and I've not heard from him since.

I really hoped he would see it from my POV, but I don't think he can. Even up to the last few days I've been hoping he might have some kind of lightbulb moment where he realises he's being unfair but he's so entrenched into believing he is never wrong that I don't think that can happen.

I am really quite angry at him for throwing everything away over something so minor - I willingly apologise for things all the time, am always trying to see the other persons viewpoint. Our relationship has not been plain sailing, he was diagnosed with cancer after we'd been together only 6 months (he's fine now thankfully), he's suffered multiple bereavements, lost a job, I've helped him moved house 4 times, supported him through a difficult court case...yes I have ups and downs but nothing on that scale. He also cheated on me last year, as a result of which we split up for a number of months.

I just feel like I supported him through all that, which wasn't easy, forgave his infidelity (and all the shit which came with it as the woman he was seeing then started stalking and harassing me) and he couldn't make this small effort for me? It really sticks in my craw, and I want to write to him and tell him.

And also to call him out on some of his other bullshit, like he said more than once that we'd get engaged yet no ring ever appeared. Even last year after all the shit he and that psycho put me through, I said if we were going to get back together I'd want some kind of commitment, he agreed. Said something like hoe it was quid pro quo for giving him another chance. But nothing happened.

I dont think whatever I write to him will change the outcome, but I just want to have my say. Or as he would say, insist on having the last word, because apparently I see all arguments as wining and I have to win. His words. I just want to call out his bullshit because even if due to his 20 odd years of habitual weed smoking he can't remember what he's said, I bloody well can.

So WIBU to email him?

So you value yourself for your intelligence. Apply your intellect to this relationship. Behave accordingly.

Oh dear, I meant that I'm insecure in many 'ways' not 'years'.

Write the email.

but don’t send it.

Print it out and rip it up or shred it or delete it at the crescendo point of your favourite break up song or something.

Oh he does think I'm a shit girlfriend.

You're probably right that he will never see my POV, however clearly I state it. If you distill it to it's most basic level, my job is basically winning arguments, and persuading people to my viewpoint. I am very good at articulating my points and expressing myself and do what I do well. I think I have to accept that this is not a work scenario and I can't win here - not in the sense of him accepting what I say anyhow.

Please don't tell me that the right man is out there. I know it's meant kindly and I know this muppet very definitely ISN'T the right one. But men with PHDs and professional qualifications wouldn't want me, I'm too lowbrow and working class. I've always been a square peg in a round hole, it was what drew us together because he was one too - but I see now that the reasons he never fitted in were more because of his issues than anything else.

Every day when I go for a run I end up replaying something thats happened, a way he's hurt me or an issue that was unresolved. Putting it down on paper may be better, but I take the point from a PP above that I should put down something good - about my life now - as balance.

Suggest you write the email but don't send. I have a smokin drafts folder full of emails to my idiot ex husband. Did me good to get it out, but don't send. He isn't worth your time, will probably twist it, won't actually change anything, and you need to cut off all contact for your sanity.

Write the email to get everything off your chest and give yourself closure - but don’t send it to him.

After the infidelity he should have been moving mountains to behave reasonably, not stropping about like a giant child. Putting his hands on your is not okay (as much as I’m sure he’s downplaying it) you’re either the type of man that can do that or you’re not.

Can there be some sort of prick advisor review written on this one so nobody else dates it please ? He’s an absolute piece of shit. Never waste another second on him

You think you've got good self esteem but you also don't think you can do better than this absolute waste of space. He sounds like a fucking leech, draining the life out of you while giving you nothing back. Look at how much you've supported him through. Now how many life events has he really and truly supported you through? Made you feel loved, and cherished, and like he really has your back? He really has done a number on you when you accept his rationale for shagging around was some sort of mental issue. Even having a Madonna/whore complex suggests he doesnt see women as people in their own right. No, he's just a cheat. He wanted to fuck someone else so he did. He doesn't care what that does to you.

You should be getting down on bended knee and thanking the universe he's gone, not composing emails to him. Give it a month and i guarantee you will wonder what you ever saw in him because honestly i can't see any redeeming features at all.

The problem with people who don't ever think they've done anything wrong is their behaviour will never change. Why would it when they think their behaviour is fine? Most abusive men behave this way. They will justify any type of behaviour from infidelity to physical violence.

Don't email him.
Not emailing him is the equivalent of 'oh, did you say something?'

Far more irritating.

And more importantly, we teach people how to treat us by what we put up with . He thinks you'll put up with pretty much anything at this point.
Dickhead (him, not you).

But men with PHDs and professional qualifications wouldn't want me, I'm too lowbrow and working class.

Emotional intelligence has nothing to do with "class" or earnings.

Write the email. Save it as a draft.

Take the high road OP, the worst part is over. You're better than this and you can do better. His insecurities are his problem - not yours. He has no right to take them out on you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe my children are adults now, all over 18. I don't believe any of this has affected them, indeed I have tried to keep it all away from them as far as possible. They know that we split up last year, but not the reasons. They know that we are again no longer together. He never assumed a paternal role in their lives and never lived here FT (I have always insisted I wouldn't move from this house as it's their home - he viewed this as reluctance to move in with him). They liked him being around, he helped them out with some stuff, but I don't think his absence will leave a massive void in their lives.

Be grateful he hasn’t contacted you, he sounds horrible and is minimising what he has done to make you feel bad, and it seems it worked.

If you distill it to it's most basic level, my job is basically winning arguments, and persuading people to my viewpoint. I am very good at articulating my points and expressing myself and do what I do well. I think I have to accept that this is not a work scenario and I can't win here - not in the sense of him accepting what I say anyhow.

I once went on a few dates with a barrister who I liked a lot as a person, but just not in "that way". He tried to argue the case for why we should be in a relationship.

I just felt like, I know your job is to argue with people and persuade them to see things from your point of view, and I get that you're making a very good case for why we would make a great couple, but emotions just don't work that way. You can't persuade me to feel something I don't feel.

Not long afterwards I got together with someone when on paper there were many, many reasons why it was a bad idea, and now I'm married to that person.

So according to you your choices are between being with a man who wants you to pretend to be dumb, being with a man who values your intelligence (although given your later posts about him being jealous and insecure about you going to uni, I'm not sure that's true) but is violent and unfaithful, or staying single forever. Well, first off, I strongly disagree that those are your only options, but even if they were its a no brainer. Stay single. Stay single a thousand times over rather than be with either of those types of men. Please consider doing the freedom programme and going back to counselling op. Someone with healthy self esteem would never have "apologised for their part in the argument". You had no part in him being violent towards you, abuse is never provoked by the victim it is a choice made by the abuser, the blame is not 50/50 it's 100% him. The fact that you think you have any share in this that you need to take ownership of tells me that you have work to do before you can be in a healthy relationship.

He often complains about his siblings (who to be fair are both pretty entitled and never admit they are wrong) but he's not really any different.

It's odd because his parents were lovely; I don't get how they've produced such intransigent, always right (but also real 'woe is me') adults.

I am hoping no one ends up thinking this about my children.

OP, he sounds truly awful.

Definitely write your missive, but don't send it.

Someone as awful as him isn't capable of taking your points on board.

Him putting his hands on you is huge.

I think you shouldn't dismiss this, because you weren't hurt.

Any man that would put a hand on a woman is a not a good man.

He also wants to blame his victim.

He's the dregs, make no mistake.

I wouldn’t waste my time OP.

He sounds hideous, you’re well rid.

I have just had a relationship break up where my ex refused to say sorry for shitty behaviour, to my DS in my case. Screw that, if they don’t think enough of us to say sorry and take responsibility for their actions then they can do one.

If he was going to see your side he would have by now. The fact that he doesn’t proves that he really doesn’t give a shit. Leave him and move on in your life.

Your job may be based around winning arguments but you have no way of winning this one because your actions in accepting his bullshit over the years (let alone not even being the one to end the relationship) would automatically contradict anything you could possibly say to him. The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Any words you might write him in an email will bounce off him but the act of sending it would tell him he's still in your thoughts and the dominant person in this dynamic.

You know where you stand with him, he doesnt give a shit about you.

So op, why give this person any head or heart space?

Why would you demean yourself?

I wasn't apologising for what he did, not in any way.

At the start, I'd asked him if we could talk about how he was feeling as it was clear something was bothering him. He said he'd tried to speak to me 'many times' but I'd rebuffed him, and he was upset by this. I apologised for missing these cues and for this upsetting him. The discussion continued and became heated. I apologised for pursuing the discussion but I don't apologise for provoking him or anything like that, nor do I even consider that this would in any way justify what he did. I apologised because I felt I could have behaved better - looking purely at my own actions. That in no way negates what he did, and I was very clear to him that his behaviour crossed a line for me and therefore I needed him to apologise AND to understand why it was so offensive to me. Obviously he felt unable to do either, which is pretty telling.

I will think again about counselling once all this is over. I have no one to talk to in real life (no parents or siblings and no real friends) hence why it's a bit of a brain dump on here!

You could look into counselling now if you can afford to pay for it rather than waiting for an NHS referral. Plenty of counsellors will be offering Skype sessions at the moment.

You could always write your email and post it here for all of us to read instead of sending it to him?

Might help you get it all out of your head for a while and then you can find a professional to talk to after lockdown?