DH won't let me sleep

[chocolatedrem]

I'm losing my mind - no kids.
Every morning, DH does something to ruin my sleep. I don't sleep well and have anxiety/OCD so find it quite difficult to have a good sleep.

Every morning something along these lines will occur:

• dog wakes up for toilet at 6. If I let her out I do it quietly, if DH does it he wakes me up in the process by talking - we usually go back to sleep after (at the moment)
• he forgets to turn his alarm off. This goes off at 7, I have to wake him up to turn it off.
• phone isn't on silent and goes off again
• decides to just make a cup of tea, loudly, and slurp it in bed.

DH is a teacher, he's not like some that seem busy on here, he's not done a single bit of work in 5 weeks and hasn't set foot on the premises in 5 weeks. It's because he only taught exam classes so has nothing to do. So he sits around all day. I work long hours and can always work from home anyway, so I am working late, constantly in calls, lots of stress.

I broke down crying at him today because I just wanted a few hours after letting the dog out. I am sleeping so awfully as of late. He slept fine and said he can do what he wants so proceeded to go downstairs and turn the tele on which means I'm now properly awake.

Help!!!

What a selfish arse! I’d be whacking him with a frying pan if he did that to me.
I was awake until about 5am, DH got up about 6am, tended to everything necessary and left me to sleep.
Why the hell would your DH be so bloody selfish?

Assuming that he’s just being thoughtless and this isn’t a deliberate attempt to disturb your sleep. Is there any chance that he is maybe feeling a bit lonely during lockdown. I say that because you say he’s bringing you cups of tea in bed, and I wondering if this is an attempt to have a bit of quality time with you before you start your 12 hour days, presumably leaving him to his own devices. Some people are not very good at admitting to vulnerabilities ‘ loneliness’ and go about it in a cack handed way.
Obviously If he is just been an inconsiderate git, then you need to establish some clear rules for him, but maybe it’s worth exploring if there’s something else going on with him, to make him behave like that.

What a twat

He doesn't cook me lunch because he is (ok he will sound like a child...) a strange eater - he only eats chicken nuggets and chips and eats one meal a day, the rest he just eats crisps and chocolate.

Ok this in itself is grounds for divorce in my book

a short term fix is ear plugs and then when you have had a proper sleep you can think straight and dump him xxx

To the PP saying he is justified to say he can drink tea in bed.
^He is not working, he can't even take the dogs out at the w/e.
he gets up talking to himself, slams the doors, etc etc^ & I expect he bungs on the TV loud so that you can hear it also.
I would give him the job of researching and ordering a bed that he can pay for & then sleep in. or if you can get further away from the noise from dogs, kitchen, TV, bathroom, move room yourself.
Tell him as he is deliberately refusing to keep quiet, he can fuck off & sleep in another bed, He can certainly forget about any sex. & he can move out after lockdown, or sooner if Mummy will have him back.
How can you possibly envisage a life with someone who doesn't give a shit about you ?
On an aside ,Is he on the spectrum? I couldn't live my whole life with someone who only ate chicken nuggets.

What menopause59 said

I would definitely move to a spare room and if he continues to put himself first when you’re struggling reconsider the relationship.

Why not go online and buy a bed for the spare room and move in there? Your sleeping problem does need to be address by you, but there is zero reason for him to be so selfish.

Its not his fault that you are sleeping poorly - however he is being very selfish and inconsiderate in disturbing your sleep. He seems to be choosing to do this - at some point you'll have to ask yourself why. If someone that you loved was having a hard time, would you deliberately do things that made life harder for them?
I think that I would try to focus on improving your sleep first though.
As a bit of an insomniac myself, the things I would suggest are: Set your own alarm clock for 5.45 a.m. (I know a horrifying thought but it removes the conflict and gives you time to do the following!). Install calm app (or similar) When you wake up get up and try to do a 5 minute meditation. Go out with the dogs into the fresh air. Morning sunshine will help re-set your body clock and should help you sleep at night) Going for a walk or doing other exercise outside at this time without looking at your phone or any work emails will help you sleep later and have the resilience to deal with your stressful job. Go with your partner if you feel that this will help you and your relationship but use this as your time to relax before your workday starts. Try to eat within a 12 hour window and do not eat late at night. Try to get to bed before 11 p.m. Obviously, feel free to ignore all of this advice but these are all things that have helped me. I hope you feel better soon - I know how horrendous lack of sleep can make you feel.

he only eats chicken nuggets and chips and eats one meal a day, the rest he just eats crisps and chocolate.

My 5 year old would only eat this if I allowed him to!

I agree with ordering another bed and sleeping in a spare room if he won't, get a door wedge or a lock to block yourself in the room just in case he tries to wake you on purpose.

Agree with pp on exercise and working less hours.

Train the dogs to hold it in longer, start letting them out later so 6:05, then 6:10 the next day, etc.

But he said it's not his fault I sleep badly and if he wants to get up / get a cup of tea then fine.

It's not the getting a cup of tea that's the problem, is it? It's him bringing it back to bed and sipping it.

Glad to hear he's stopped setting the alarm. And I'm assuming he's silencing his phone now too. So things improving.

Re the dogs - you should do some of the weekday mornings, then you each do one of the weekend mornings - simples.

I think part of the reason you aren't sleeping well may be because you are getting wound up every night thinking of your husband's behaviour every morning. I would move in the spare room & get a lock on the door & some good noise cancelling ear plugs. Get something from the pharmacy to help you sleep & get you back in to a good sleep routine. Like everyone else has said, working 12 hour days with no breaks won't be helping you.

agree with ordering another bed and sleeping in a spare room if he won't, get a door wedge or a lock to block yourself in the room just in case he tries to wake you on purpose.

If you have to lock yourself away from your vindictive spouse, you'd be better off getting divorced.

A nice husband would

• buy the OP some ear plugs
• drink his tea downstairs and make the OP one for when she wakes up
• turn the alarm off on his phone
• not let the dogs into the bedroom
• recognise that if you want to stay married, you have to be nice to your spouse

You don't have to wait until lockdown is over to finish this.

Wow so many people on here would put up with completely selfish idiots for partners who don’t care at all about their wives wellbeing!

@Tableclothing exactly!!

I am an awful sleeper:

Decent DH

When kids were little I did night feeds (as I was breastfeeding) he did every other wake up even though it meant me kicking him to wake up.

He now sleeps in a separate room because his snoring disturbs me, single bed and is over 6'

When we still shared:
Got used to sleeping in pitch black for me

Accepted single duvet each for me

Accepted not be allowed to touch me when trying to sleep

Never complained about me waking him up every time he snored.

His bad points:
Rarely gets up first in the morning because he just sleeps longer than me!!!

Few cups of coffee in bed, see above.

He has done everything he can to help me sleep better and tries to be sympathetic even after 20 years!

On the plus side with a diet like that you're fair set to outlive him by a considerable margin...

Seriously OP he sounds like an inconsiderate and very weird person. What does he bring to your life?

Also you are working yourself into the ground to afford a larger home than you need in an expensive area, which for someone with anxiety and OCD seems an utterly counter-intuitive way of life to choose. Why? Is money so important to you, or does he require you to work more to maintain his lifestyle given he is relatively low paid? And given how busy you are, and how little time you must normally be able to spend in the house with 3 hours commuting each way, why on earth would you get not just one but two dogs?

Your whole life sounds incredibly and needlessly high stress. Consider the choices you are making, both in terms of the partner you have chosen, the lifestyle you are chasing, and the animals and God forbid the children you are bringing into the prison you are making for yourself.

So you're trying to settle into a new house aswell as all this?
Two rules needed, simple:

1. If alarm goes off, he switches it off, gets up (quietly) and stays up. He doesn't then go back to bed (actually why is he even setting an alarm if he does piss all all day? He doesn't need to, surely?)

2.No phones in the bedroom.

If he's going to behave like a 5 year old around whom the entire world revolves, then he is treated like one. Maybe get him a good behaviour chart for adhering to the rules?

He is very unkind and inconsiderate. Basically he doesn't care how stressed or tired you are. Your wellbeing doesn't concern him at all. His own is paramount but even if there isn't a conflict between what he wants and what you want, he wouldn't think about your needs - not his concern. Think about that.

You could tell him you are giving up your job, as you can't carry on, for obvious reasons, he can pay the mortgage, & you will crochet & sell boho items on etsy.

LTB

Do you not have a living room or dining room? If you are asleep wtf does he need to bring his tea back to bed?

Selfish bastard.. As so many others have said! Agree.. LTB or get his to sort his act out!
And what grown man just eats chicken nuggets....

Hello all, I've been busy working which won't come as a surprise.

DH is relatively well paid - he's head of department (!!!)
I am 25, my earning potential far outstrips him and he is usually very supportive of this and in helping me (ie picking me up from late nights etc). I enjoy work and I am completely career driven.

We discussed it today and:

• ordered a bed for the spare room
• looked at a sofa bed for the other spare room
• he has turned off his alarm (I know this was accidental as he set it to do something the other day and it's on "week time wake up")
• I have taught him how to program Do Not Disturb for when we sleep without an alarm being set

We need to work on the dog duties.

My dogs are my biggest joy, they are little rescues and keep me happy.

He is one of those selfish arsewipes who thinks, "if I'm awake, she should be too!" so it sounds as if he's doing this on purpose as opposed to being just inconsiderate. Do you have a spare room for him or you OP?