DH won't let me sleep

[chocolatedrem]

I'm losing my mind - no kids.
Every morning, DH does something to ruin my sleep. I don't sleep well and have anxiety/OCD so find it quite difficult to have a good sleep.

Every morning something along these lines will occur:

• dog wakes up for toilet at 6. If I let her out I do it quietly, if DH does it he wakes me up in the process by talking - we usually go back to sleep after (at the moment)
• he forgets to turn his alarm off. This goes off at 7, I have to wake him up to turn it off.
• phone isn't on silent and goes off again
• decides to just make a cup of tea, loudly, and slurp it in bed.

DH is a teacher, he's not like some that seem busy on here, he's not done a single bit of work in 5 weeks and hasn't set foot on the premises in 5 weeks. It's because he only taught exam classes so has nothing to do. So he sits around all day. I work long hours and can always work from home anyway, so I am working late, constantly in calls, lots of stress.

I broke down crying at him today because I just wanted a few hours after letting the dog out. I am sleeping so awfully as of late. He slept fine and said he can do what he wants so proceeded to go downstairs and turn the tele on which means I'm now properly awake.

Help!!!

I wasnt married to him or have any shared assets or pets though so he was easily moved on

Hell. I'd have moved him under.

Wow I honestly don't think he sounds that bad and I'm usually the first to say LTB.

He probably just doesn't get it. My husband and his family all sleep like the dead and can drop off any time, any place. They don't get that I will lie awake tossing and turning for hours and wake if I hear so much as a pin drop. If I mention it, they do apologise profusely which should be your husband's response really but no one is perfect.

If this is a pattern in other areas, it's a concern. Otherwise just sleep separately, that's what we do because I can't deal with his snoring and fidgeting.

You married a cunt and I'm glad he doesn't teach my kids.
He thinks nothing of you and you should have more respect for yourself.
You deserve better.

How is letting the dogs in when you are trying to sleep, not doing it deliberately?
Just asking because to me that sounds like the actions of someone who couldn’t give a fuck.
DH takes the children at the weekend to let me have a lie in. He moves his clothes into the hallway the night before so not to wake me when he gets dressed.
That’s being considerate.

but no one is perfect.

This is a bit more than no one is perfect! I agree with a PP that there should be a time when making noise is acceptable because it’s normal to be awake. I agree that the OP definitely needs to deal with her sleep pattern.

However, his response of ‘I slept well so I can do what I like!’ is the bit that makes him an arse. Not being perfect is forgetting to turn off his alarm. Being a dick is not giving a shit about your partner.

There are plenty of issues around the selfishness which plenty of others have addressed. A very practical measure I'd be taking is finding the quickest bed delivery available and setting myself up in a spare room. You sound incredibly stressed, understandably with your workload and you need to do everything you can to get a few more hours sleep in and given that your dh seems unconcerned about facilitating that then other measures need to taken.

And have a cut off point where a normal amount of noise can begin, say 7:30am. It's a compromise then and fair for both of you.

That’s not a compromise. That’s you telling the OP she needs to get up earlier, because you do. If she sleeps until 8.30, that has absolutely no impact on him, because she’s already said that he’s lazy and doing no work during the day. Why do early risers always think others should dance to their tune?

But he said it's not his fault I sleep badly and if he wants to get up / get a cup of tea then fine

To be fair, he does have a point. BUT he can choose to do it quietly, and drink/slurp his tea downstairs.

And another but. He knows that doing this annoys you. That his alarm annoys you and yet continues to do it (switching off an automatic alarm takes 2 seconds). That is very inconsiderate.

Order a new bed (and mattress) as soon as possible. And send him to set it up then he can sleep in the spare room.

The dogs are a separate issue. Was it your or his choice to adopt the second dog if you're struggling to deal with looking after doggie No. 1?

He is doing this deliberately to wind you up.

Have a good think about that.

Tell him to fuck off and smash his phone and alarm into a thousand pieces. Smash all his mugs and flush all the tea down the toilet. Trust me it’s the only way.

The only way to what? Prove that you're crazy/abusive?

Then divorce him.

Oh, I don't think you'd need to divorce him. I reckon he'd do the job for you.

Time for consequences. What a selfish pig. If this was date one....

It's just thoughtless and selfish.

Anyone around anyone asleep or trying to sleep knows they should be super quiet and just leave the room and respect that persons need for sleep. Especially when they are well aware they don't sleep well!

It's just common sense and polite. Sorry OP

Gosh. He sounds like a selfish arse without a shred of empathy.

There's so much going on though. I'd probably handle it like this:

1. sort out separate room for myself
2. work on my own sleeping (I get it though - new house for me always means months of bad sleep)
3. work routine - if you're going to do insane amounts of work you need to organise breaks.
4. he's doing nothing - the LEAST he could do is make you a sandwich
5. no alarms set (unless needed) and no phones in the bedroom (or only on silent)
6. Dogs: now you're both home you can take turn and turn about if weekends are pretty much meaningless
7. tell him how selfish and unsupportive it is to say to his meal ticket that he's ok, Jack.

TBH: I'd give it one go after explaining that i needed to sleep, then I'd move out. But I am very impatient and i need my sleep.

He slept fine and said he can do what he want

In that vein, i say, ‘so can i‘ and I’d be making a surprise discovery that really loud bagpipe music at 3am helps with the insomnia. Two can play that game.

That will help sort out if he is terminally clueless, or deliberately being a cunt.

That’s not a compromise. That’s you telling the OP she needs to get up earlier, because you do. If she sleeps until 8.30, that has absolutely no impact on him, because she’s already said that he’s lazy and doing no work during the day. Why do early risers always think others should dance to their tune?

I’m guessing you are a late riser?

Why should people have to tiptoe around all day because someone else is asleep upstairs? I’m not saying it’s ok to go in and start hoovering or hammering in a nail but general noise is fine. It’s about finding a mutual time for them both.

I think this situation is different though. He’s a prick and I would be getting rid as soon as possible with that disrespectful attitude and complete lack of care for the OP.

Sleep disturbance/deprivation is a well known torture tactic. He is being an abusive wanker. I just to believe he isn't doing this on purpose and it makes me incandescent on your behalf. Thank fuck you don't have kids with him.

If he is not working currently, then he should be doing the bulk of stuff around the house, including dealing with the dogs (downstairs and fucking quietly!). He should be trying to make things as easy for you as possible as you are clearly working long hours as the higher earner, are very stressed and thanks to that cunt sleep deprived.

The slurping tea, talking at you and letting dogs into the room when you are sleeping are tactics designed to show you that a) he doesn't want you sleeping because he is abusive and likes it when you are jumpy around him b) he wants you attention on him at all times.

Definitely look at setting up in the spare room, add an inside lock to that bedroom door and start sorting your shit out to leave the abusive bastard.

Noise cancelling earphones or headphones. & If he complains about that or still finds ways to purposely wake you, if you have space remove yourself to spare bedroom and make it yours. You can work in there too, you'll feel more refreshed. Go for a nice walk sometimes. I couldn't be bothered with a selfish arse like that, he can and should find something to do - what's wrong with him that he isn't?! He's still a teacher.

But he's invested in pestering you so you'll have to creatively give yourself some space from him.

OP no wonder you are stressed and anxious. You need to address your work. 12 hours with no break is mad. You need to be able to switch off and also get fresh air/exercise during the day if you want any chance of a decent night's sleep.

Why can’t he just have his tea in the kitchen on his dog-let-out days?

Fxxking with your sleep is a well known hostile tactic of abusive men.

I'm sorry OP, but you are nearly crying with exhaustion and he just doesn't care.

Your relationship bar is on the ground.

He lets the dog in...deliberately.

You need to order a new bed asap.

He is not a nice man.

He's a selfish man who couldn't possibly care about you and do that continuously.

Thank god you don't have children with him.

If you do, you will regret it.

He has shown you EXACTLY who he is.

Good luck.

And have a cut off point where a normal amount of noise can begin, say 7:30am.

Why on earth do they need to do that? They don't have children - there's no need for either of them to be up early making noise. Grown adults are more than capable of going downstairs and getting on with stuff quietly so their partners can sleep, surely?

It's so controlling. If OP wants to sleep, let her sleep!

You also need to train your dog to hang on a bit longer.....ours is 2 years old and has her last pee at about 10pm then is let out about 7am with no hassles.

I’m guessing you are a late riser?

No, actually. I’m up through the night with my disabled child and up again at 7am to get her showered and dressed. I’m just not so insular that I think everyone else should do the same as me. No one needs to ‘tiptoe’, they just need to show consideration to other.

Wake him up throughout the night every single time you’re awake tossing and turning or can’t sleep.
Fair’s fair.

I have an analogous situation btw, and this is how someone who isn’t a nob handles it....

Im working full time + as my team is in transition between departments so I’m doing 2 jobs at present till the changeover is sorted. I’m the main earner. He’s furloughed from a similar sort of professional level role to your DH.

I WFH 8am to 5pm. I get up and have a cuppa at 7:45. The dogs want feeding at 6. he get up and sorts . Letting me sleep. He also does it at weekends to let me sleep. I do the late night wee, so he can sleep.

He has taken on all,shopping and housework, and is currently digging the garden. (In very short bursts). He is also spending time on CPD and learning new skills ready for when he goes back.

And my DH Is a totally Normal bloke, and frankly a bit of a dick at times (ie NOT a bloody saint).