DH won't let me sleep

[chocolatedrem]

I'm losing my mind - no kids.
Every morning, DH does something to ruin my sleep. I don't sleep well and have anxiety/OCD so find it quite difficult to have a good sleep.

Every morning something along these lines will occur:

• dog wakes up for toilet at 6. If I let her out I do it quietly, if DH does it he wakes me up in the process by talking - we usually go back to sleep after (at the moment)
• he forgets to turn his alarm off. This goes off at 7, I have to wake him up to turn it off.
• phone isn't on silent and goes off again
• decides to just make a cup of tea, loudly, and slurp it in bed.

DH is a teacher, he's not like some that seem busy on here, he's not done a single bit of work in 5 weeks and hasn't set foot on the premises in 5 weeks. It's because he only taught exam classes so has nothing to do. So he sits around all day. I work long hours and can always work from home anyway, so I am working late, constantly in calls, lots of stress.

I broke down crying at him today because I just wanted a few hours after letting the dog out. I am sleeping so awfully as of late. He slept fine and said he can do what he wants so proceeded to go downstairs and turn the tele on which means I'm now properly awake.

Help!!!

Ah, glad you're getting it sorted OP.

Just to add to what pps have said we the "Is he an only child" question - whoever said that is an utter dickhead and needs to fuck off away from MN for ever a while and work on not being quite such an utter dickhead.

@chocolatedrem sorry, I cross posted with your latest update - took me a while to read through and didn't see your update - good that he's on board with spare room and alarm etc. may I also suggest to you particularly, that you switch off anything with wifi capabilities in your bedroom (wherever you sleep) be it mobiles, tablets etc. as this will disturb your sleep - also, please, please start eating regular meals as this will definitely be effecting your energy levels and therefore your sleep patterns.

Urg! Separate bedrooms are essential!

"We need to work on the dog duties."

What on earth is there to work on?!
You take it in turns. If you're both working during the week, you should get one lie in each at the weekend.

Do you want children one day? He really doesn't sound like good father material...

So the dogs are your babies op? Did he want them? If he didn't why should he have to accept all the responsibility for them?

Not really sure why he's getting such a hard time here. What is he actually doing wrong? He's waking up op at 6am but even if he didn't she still wouldn't be sleeping at night. Nothing he is doing is stopping her sleeping at night yet op is tossing and turning all night so probably disturbing her husband.

And how is he lazy - op said he's doing everything apart from.cooking. how is that lazy?

Op is working until.9pm every night. What is her dh meant to do all day and every evening?

I'm guessing if it were a man working until 9pm every day you'd all be saying "good for him" hope his wife is doing everything at home to support him"? Oh no, that's right. You'd be saying he was selfish for working such long hours and that he still needs to do 50% of the chores because his wife isn't there to looks after him.

if you don't sleep at night (I have intermittent insomnia) and you start to fall asleep at 6am, and the ignorant twat next to you then starts banging around and you can't get back to sleep it's absolutely horrendous.

Yes it is highly annoying, especially when he rolls over and pokes me to see if I am awake, or offers me a coffee, but equally it is not his fault that am a light sleeper!

My DH tried that on me very early on. I poked him when it was inconvenient for him to wake up. And since then he has stopped. It's not difficult, bedrooms for sleeping and unless you've been requested, thre is no reason to wake another adult up. Let them sleep.

I use foam earplugs... they've changed my life!

Took me 17 years and marriage counselling to get my husband to realize that sleep deprivation (recognised by the UN as a form of torture, btw) is a form of cruelty up there with deprivation of food, clothing or shelter. His insistence that I “slept” in the same bed as him despite his refusal to go and deal with his internationally legendary snoring was hypocritical and phenomenally selfish. When I played recordings and compared the decibels to the types of planes taking off into the wind and sound-proofed churches being fined for noise pollution after playing gospel bands, and he laughed at me and the counsellor didn’t - he started to realise things were fucking serious. Sleep is kind of important for BOTH people.

Morning all, update for you.

We both took a nytol to get to sleep. However as we took it I asked if he had shut our garden gate as a dog escaped the other day for the full day and it was a nightmare. He hadn't. Somehow this didn't stop me sleeping but meant at 6 when the dogs needed feeding I woke up to wake him up and tell him to shut the gate.

We both then fell asleep, I slept til 825 and he slept til 10.

I still feel shattered but think it's mental exhaustion. Feel better after last night though.

About the dogs - they are both our babies. He is just as obsessed and is the person behind their Instagram accounts... so the burden is very much on him too.

Just how can your DH ‘insist’ you sleep in the same bed as him ?

Some great updates OP. I think the spare room is the way to go.

Why did you wake at six to wake him to shut the gate? Why didn't you just go and shut the gate ? I say this as someone who is terrible without sleep.

Lol, he made your dogs Instagram accounts? xD
Is his obsession with them, or the attention they bring him? Because those are two very different things. Perhaps it's because, with the selfishness he displays...I would be on the look out for other narcissistic traits though...

Tell the selfish twat as he is the cause of your lack of sleep he will be sleeping on the couch.

@Ragwort - he used to get “hurt feelings” when I preferred to sleep on the couch. (My heart was bleeding for him by this stage - not. Years of sleep deprivation and his refusal to do anything about it limited my sympathy for his feelings to zero.) His sleep study was enlightening. Averaged 33 episodes of sleep apnoea per hour!He has a cpap machine and looks like a alien. He complains that he doesn’t feel sexy. I pointed out how sexy the couch and divorce is, and he wears it every night. (Still too stubborn to admit that he feels better for the extra oxygen though!)

(Also, if he stops wearing it, I have medical proof that he stops breathing in his sleep, so a pillow over his face wouldn’t be provable in court.)

I agree he is part of the problem and being a bit of a dick, but surely the major cause of your lack of sleep is your working hours? I've worked those kinds of hours before in a stressful role, it's just not possible to properly switch off at the end of the day.

What can you do to get your hours to a more manageable level?

You need time to exercise... I used to have major sleep issues like you when I was working like crazy, getting regular exercise had helped massively. I now do 30 mins a day, 6 days a week.

Have you also tried mindfulness or breathing exercises? I do yin yoga which has a lot of relaxation and breathing techniques. Again is been a big help.

Sleep deprivation is so damaging. My OH snored for years, also didnt care whether the Ipad light woke me up or his stumbling round the place because my sleep issue was not his problem. Funny enough since his cancer diagnosis and long periods in hospital my sleep has miraculously become great even with a drink. He has lost alot of weight so snoring is no longer an issue, he still shouts in his sleep and puts all the lights on to get to the loo but I havent slept this well in years. I always put it down to my stressful job as I will work late but nope its because he is a selfish arsehole. Funnily enough now he has sleep issues he tells me that if he had lived my life he would have killed himself...nope it doesnt require that - its just a little acknowledgement that whilst you can sleep through a car crash some folks cant

@sunflowersandtulips50

Well he certainly won't be any loss🙄

Please mind yourself

It’d be good if he escaped out the gate permanently. You’re so young to be burdened with this loser, it’s depressing.

Agree with electrical. Really can't figure out what he adds to your life. Inconsiderate moves in to deliberate when someone tells you of the issue and you continue to do it. Even without being told I would creep out the room if my husband was asleep and make sure to be quiet until he woke.

You are so young op. If you have kids with him your life will become very hard.

Billy are you for real? What a bloody awful thing to say.