DH won't let me sleep

[chocolatedrem]

I'm losing my mind - no kids.
Every morning, DH does something to ruin my sleep. I don't sleep well and have anxiety/OCD so find it quite difficult to have a good sleep.

Every morning something along these lines will occur:

• dog wakes up for toilet at 6. If I let her out I do it quietly, if DH does it he wakes me up in the process by talking - we usually go back to sleep after (at the moment)
• he forgets to turn his alarm off. This goes off at 7, I have to wake him up to turn it off.
• phone isn't on silent and goes off again
• decides to just make a cup of tea, loudly, and slurp it in bed.

DH is a teacher, he's not like some that seem busy on here, he's not done a single bit of work in 5 weeks and hasn't set foot on the premises in 5 weeks. It's because he only taught exam classes so has nothing to do. So he sits around all day. I work long hours and can always work from home anyway, so I am working late, constantly in calls, lots of stress.

I broke down crying at him today because I just wanted a few hours after letting the dog out. I am sleeping so awfully as of late. He slept fine and said he can do what he wants so proceeded to go downstairs and turn the tele on which means I'm now properly awake.

Help!!!

I'd be furious. Wake him up when you come to bed.

See in my world a 6 am start isn’t too bad....its not ideal, but its not nervous breakdown territory. Get a few nights in your own room to restore your sanity then ongoing just get your light off a lot earlier - say by 10pm. Then if the early wake ups do resume, you’ve had a good few hours earlier on in the night and the pressure is off so-to-speak. Nobody can rest up if they feel the pressure is on as soon as the light goes out. Seems to me a lot of your griping has to do with respective work loads.

He does sound a bit selfish but maybe he doesn’t want you sleeping in all day?

That's not his call

And if he sat in bed slurping tea I'd slap it into him.

Charming.

OP I won't go down the advocating domestic violence route, but you do need to make it clear to him that unless he needs to be up for a certain time that he is not go disturb you before your usual wake up time.

Ask him why he doesn't turn his alarm off permanently if he doesn't need to get up or ask him to set it for a later time which would suit you more. Do you have a spare room one of you could move to for a little while? How does this work when you're both working under normal circumstances?

Have you actually sat him down and told him how it's making you feel? As in spelled it out really clearly? If not then do so. If the outcome of that conversation is that he still carries on acting like an arsehole then I would be finding somewhere else to live and divorcing him. There is a reason that sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

Ide throw his tea over him I dont know how you havent.
Keep him awake or keep waking him up. Tell him you'll stop when he does.
Or lock him outside tonight. Its supposed to rain so he wont enjoy it.

You turn his alarm and his phone off when you go to bed.
If you can let dog out quietly, do that and go back to sleep.
Tell him he can't bring tea back to bed, he must drink it in kitchen or sitting room and if he puts TV on, it must be muted with subtitles.

Sleep in another room.

Read Dr Guy Meadows Good Sleep Guide - you seriously need to relax and take pursuing sleep down a notch or two in your mind. It’s counter intuitive - the more you pursue perfect sleep the more it will evade you. Please read the book. I’m a long term and thankfully recovered insomniac who has succeeded in managing the condition very well due to reframing my thinking around the issue.

Wow, he's a nasty piece of work.

My job is always demanding - I worked late before lockdown. Now that I'm working from home there's less of a divide between personal time. I have a tight deadline and so need to get things done.

We go to sleep at 11pm every night together routinely. My quality of sleep is poor - I toss, turn, wake up, panic etc.

And he is moving schools on 1 June, so he has minimal to do at his current school. I find it infuriating.

Go to bed earlier? Try some relaxation techniques! Call your doctor and try and get some sleeping pills? I think you're taking your own issues out on him! You say no children, but a dog is just as much commitment and 6/7am isn't that early!

What an unpleasant man you're with, OP.

I'd advise you not to have any kids with him.

If he's really this clueless then you need some ground rules. If he's up and you're still sleeping he's not allowed in the bedroom. He must turn off his alarm now and not turn it back on again. He must not talk to you if you're sleeping.

Obviously to most people these things are common sense but either DH is deliberately winding you up (in which case he'll no longer have an excuse) or he's so gormless he doesn't realise. he's being a dick so spell it out for him.

If he’s the sort to slob about all day because he doesn’t have any work to do, I doubt he’s the sort to care about making sure he gets up at his usual time, washed and dressed.

I wake DH up with enough time for him to have a shower and eat before he starts work because I don’t want him to be late. Never before that. He’s a grown man who can decide whether to get up early or not.

It would be such a pity if you knocked his tea all over him when you turned over , wouldn’t i?

Do you have another room/parents house one of you can go to?

Selfish, thoughtless arse.

OP you haven’t said if you have a spare room? If you do, make it nice for yourself and go in there and say it seriously to him-you need sleep. No it’s or buts or believing him if he says he’ll be quiet. But to be honest after you telling him and crying he should be realising he’s been a prick.
Why doesn’t he get up if he feels fidgety and take the dog for a walk?

Would you be able to sleep earlier and maybe get up 6.30/7am and go out for a walk together? We’ve started doing this and it’s been great for wellbeing but also ready to face the day.

Maybe he needs to add some structure in his life? Sounds a boring day if he’s doing bugger all. Winding you up probably gives him something to do 🙄

I’ve said it on here before though, I actually despise people that rob others of quality sleep. It’s absolutely essential to our health

Do you have a separate room? I'd be moving in it and doing it up how I want as my room.

6am is our normal wake up time. My poor sleep has only got worse since lockdown and we moved house the same day lockdown began. So we are in a new place and for some reason I can't sleep. So I manage about 2-4 hours between 11pm and 6am. I then try to get a bit more rest before I need to log on to my work computer at 830-9am. I finish working around 9pm depending on the day and don't take lunch.

Before you go to sleep tonight just say something casually like can you make sure your phone is off and your alarm is off cos its driving me bananas.Just put it on silent ..cheeers...job done., If he doesnt then you will know he is being awkward and doing it on purpose, Maybe he needs it spelling out to him that your bedroom is a sanctuary that needs to be peaceful..my dh was like this he just needed training as it never occured to him that it bothered me.

@Cam2020

Go to bed earlier? Try some relaxation techniques! Call your doctor and try and get some sleeping pills? I think you're taking your own issues out on him! You say no children, but a dog is just as much commitment and 6/7am isn't that early!

So basically revolve her life around her selfish husband, not what she wants to do? Sod that.

It's selfish behaviour alright, but will he change? I've come to the conclusion though that people don't change. In the meantime I would either go to bed earlier or go into a spare room.

My DH is a terrible sleeper, I do everything I can to help him sleep. Most of the time he sleeps in the spare room as he also snores! If he's in my bed though, if I get up I tiptoe out and shut the door, to leave him in peace. I really feel for him as I tend to sleep pretty soundly, but he often wakes in the night and takes hours to get back to sleep. Your DH should be much more considerate.

To solve it in the short term I'd consider the spare room if you have one. Everything is much easier to deal with and discuss if you have had some sleep.

Do you have a spare room you can make your own?

he is moving schools on 1 June, so he has minimal to do at his current school. I find it infuriating.

There is loads of free CPD available at the moment for teachers. He could be bettering his practice even if he’s moving. On top of my year group workload (Primary) and class specific workload, I’ve been doing safeguarding training (FGM, forced marriage, child sexual exploitation so all relevant to him even if he’s got older students) and training linked to the subjects I coordinate. All of that on top of homeschooling my DD(6).