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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't let me sleep

247 replies

chocolatedrem · 28/04/2020 08:48

I'm losing my mind - no kids.
Every morning, DH does something to ruin my sleep. I don't sleep well and have anxiety/OCD so find it quite difficult to have a good sleep.

Every morning something along these lines will occur:

  • dog wakes up for toilet at 6. If I let her out I do it quietly, if DH does it he wakes me up in the process by talking - we usually go back to sleep after (at the moment)
  • he forgets to turn his alarm off. This goes off at 7, I have to wake him up to turn it off.
  • phone isn't on silent and goes off again
  • decides to just make a cup of tea, loudly, and slurp it in bed.

DH is a teacher, he's not like some that seem busy on here, he's not done a single bit of work in 5 weeks and hasn't set foot on the premises in 5 weeks. It's because he only taught exam classes so has nothing to do. So he sits around all day. I work long hours and can always work from home anyway, so I am working late, constantly in calls, lots of stress.

I broke down crying at him today because I just wanted a few hours after letting the dog out. I am sleeping so awfully as of late. He slept fine and said he can do what he wants so proceeded to go downstairs and turn the tele on which means I'm now properly awake.

Help!!!

OP posts:
3rdNamechange · 28/04/2020 12:50

Separate rooms. I do this , my partner knows I'm a really light sleeper and I get really stressed when I can't sleep. He doesn't wake me on purpose but I wake if he snores or goes to the toilet.
If he did it deliberately it would cause problems and I'd have to rethink the whole thing.

Ragwort · 28/04/2020 12:50

He sounds a useless dick but in the short term you can order a new bed and set up the spare room for yourself (or for him) & then really think about whether you want to stay married to him. And why isn’t he busy if he’s a teacher .... according to Mumsnet teachers never switch off ?Wink.

Pomegranateseeds · 28/04/2020 12:55

I think on the whole YABU. 7am is not that early and if you plan to go to bed at 11 each night then you kind of need to be up at 7ish..?
Sounds like he could be more considerate for sure. I wouldn’t be trying to talk to my partner but come on, someone drinking tea beside you in the morning is not that disruptive! I think, broadly speaking, that the issue is with you, your sleep, your work schedule, and possibly your resentment of his time off.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 28/04/2020 12:55

according to Mumsnet teachers never switch off ?
No! Please don’t somehow turn this one dickhead of a husband (who happens to be a teacher) thread into a teacher bashing thread.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/04/2020 12:59

He isn't 'just' inconsiderate.

Think hard and watch his behaviour - ask for support and see if you get it, in the way you require not the way that suits him - before you even think of having kids.

He moved 300 miles to be with you, or he moved 300 miles to get his name on a house he'd never afford alone with a wife who brings in most of the cash to pay for it, while he can't even be kind enough to go downstairs quietly, shut the door and have a cup of tea on the sofa instead?

You have problems - I think you know you do - he's shaping up to be a nicely abusive little wanker. But you don't think so, yet - so all I'm saying is - don't get pregnant, make sure you don't invest any more in this house than is absolutely fair, and keep an eye on him.

RandomMess · 28/04/2020 13:00

I would order a mattress.

Sleep in a separate room.

See if you can start and finish your work day earlier so the early start stops being so much of an issue.

Go out running or a major work out of some sort every day perhaps for a long lunch break?
Get some heavy duty sleeping tablets off GP to help stop the cycle you're in.

I am a light sleeper and the slightest stress has a huge impact on how many times I wake etc. I find listening to music/radio helps as I stop stressing so much especially if you can get it to auto switch off.

Your "H" is being a knob.

sadie9 · 28/04/2020 13:01

You are not drawing his attention to it?
He could be trying to get your attention. Or a part of him thinks you are there 'for him'. That you are not a separate person but an extension of him who is always available to him.
A bit like a 3yr old runs into Mummy's room in the night and lacks the awareness and perspective that she will be woken up.
A 15yr old wouldn't run into Mummy's room without pausing to notice the other person's perspective.
TELL HIM. Tell him what he is doing. ASK HIM to be quiet. You are allowing him to do this. Bring it to his attention every time.
Did he come straight from his mother's house to sharing your house?

Akrotiri1 · 28/04/2020 13:04

Tbh I don't think you can totally blame him - after all it is you that is having a problem sleeping, so is it any fairer to say he has to not wake up/accidentally disturb you when he is ready for the day?

Sounds harsh but I am also a bad sleeper, and any little thing wakes me up me. My partner regularily disturbs me as he gets up 1/2 times a night for a wee, lets out the dogs when they start whining at 6am, and often forgets to turn his phone off so may start beeping anytime from 7am.

Yes it is highly annoying, especially when he rolls over and pokes me to see if I am awake, or offers me a coffee, but equally it is not his fault that am a light sleeper!

I wear foam ear plugs and have black out curtains to help me sleep better, and just take heart from the fact that when he has any early start, I can get an hours or so undisturbed sleep, or catch up at the weekend.

Wait until you have kids if you feel sleep deprived now…...

MiniCooperLover · 28/04/2020 13:05

So he just sits on the bed with his tea waiting for you to fully wake up? Why? Why doesn't he just go downstairs?

sadie9 · 28/04/2020 13:11

It seems like it's your Attention he wants.
He resents that you are working all day and not giving him attention. Is he punishing you for that I wonder. You are also resenting him because you have to work and he doesn't.
Today when you are calmer ask him 'are you feeling that I am not giving you enough attention because I am working a lot and not available to spend time with you?'...just watch his face to see if it strikes a chord with him.

SlowDown76mph · 28/04/2020 13:12

I'm pretty sure he isn't doing it deliberately. He is just inconsiderate

You're wrong. Put your analytical head on.

Don't have a family with this person. It will be miserable.

Cocobean30 · 28/04/2020 13:13

@Pomegranateseeds yes it is disruptive if you’re a light sleeper, every little movement also disrupts the bed. There’s no need for him to sit next to her drinking, he can stay downstairs. I couldn’t be with a tea slurper anyway, it’s one of my rage inducing pet hates Grin

TheOrigBrave · 28/04/2020 13:13

Akrotiri1

forgets to turn his phone off so may start beeping anytime from 7am.

especially when he rolls over and pokes me to see if I am awake

Both of these things can be prevented and are nothing to do with you being a light sleeper. Utterly selfish.

Wanderlust21 · 28/04/2020 13:13

When people show you who they are, believe them.

He wants you awake.

I'd bet he is controlling/abusive/selfish in other ways too if you look.

Either way, a normal person would feel bad for upsetting their crying wife! They would appologuse! And change their behaviour. He has not done these things. I'd also get he threw a strop or turned it round on you. Because he usnt a normal empathetic human. You need to get shot of the prick, fast.

Original poster
chocolatedrem · 28/04/2020 13:19

@TheOrigBrave I think it's a case of being spoilt and it never affecting his appearing, he says it's deeper.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 28/04/2020 13:21

He gets worse and worse with every update OP.

Meckity1 · 28/04/2020 13:22

IKEA are still delivering, though you may need to hoick the bed and mattress inside by yourself.

Sleep is an absolute necessity, and worth fighting to protect.

Porpoises · 28/04/2020 13:30

LTB! He sounds shit. Inconsiderate and selfish.

theemmadilemma · 28/04/2020 13:33

He's inconsiderate, you both have a right to live as you need. He should be quiet and respectful and allow you to sleep. So that means not taking the tea back to bed, and watching tv quietly.

But re the dog thing. You could have surely got up 3 mins earlier and just shared the weekdays and weekends? It's ridiculous so I get why he wouldn't then share weekends.

Porpoises · 28/04/2020 13:34

Apart from that, are you doing other things to improve your sleep quality? Are you getting some fresh air and exercise each day? Are you doing something relaxing and screen-free before bed? Working till 9pm cannot possibly be helping, is there any way you could reduce your hours?

timeisnotaline · 28/04/2020 13:35

Are you planning on getting a bed for one of the other rooms? Order a bed and mattress today op. I bet selfish turd will refuse to sleep there but you can. And take the dogs out tomorroe morning before he does. Tell him I’m doing Wednesday now and you do Saturday. If you wake me anyway you are doing Sunday. I can’t live like this.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 28/04/2020 13:37

Is any of this resonating with you, OP?

Do you feel able to tackle him about his behaviour?

If he doesn't get his act together, can you envisage ending things with him, for your own sanity?

LightenUpSummer · 28/04/2020 13:38

I'd be amazed if this isn't happening deliberately, assuming he's of normal intelligence.

Even if not, I couldn't live with such an inconsiderate partner. How awful for you.

CaryStoppins · 28/04/2020 13:39

Is he bored?

He's got nothing on, and you are working long hours and not giving him enough attention. So he's attention seeking by disturbing you all the time...

Short term - get on to Argos or John Lewis and order yourself a bed, move into the spare room furthest away from him.

Long term - whatever you do, do NOT have a child with this man.

opticaldelusion · 28/04/2020 13:41

Is he an only child?

It's really offensive to imply that only children are inconsiderate. Really fucking offensive, actually.

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