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Original poster

DH won't let me sleep

247 replies

chocolatedrem · 28/04/2020 08:48

I'm losing my mind - no kids.
Every morning, DH does something to ruin my sleep. I don't sleep well and have anxiety/OCD so find it quite difficult to have a good sleep.

Every morning something along these lines will occur:

  • dog wakes up for toilet at 6. If I let her out I do it quietly, if DH does it he wakes me up in the process by talking - we usually go back to sleep after (at the moment)
  • he forgets to turn his alarm off. This goes off at 7, I have to wake him up to turn it off.
  • phone isn't on silent and goes off again
  • decides to just make a cup of tea, loudly, and slurp it in bed.

DH is a teacher, he's not like some that seem busy on here, he's not done a single bit of work in 5 weeks and hasn't set foot on the premises in 5 weeks. It's because he only taught exam classes so has nothing to do. So he sits around all day. I work long hours and can always work from home anyway, so I am working late, constantly in calls, lots of stress.

I broke down crying at him today because I just wanted a few hours after letting the dog out. I am sleeping so awfully as of late. He slept fine and said he can do what he wants so proceeded to go downstairs and turn the tele on which means I'm now properly awake.

Help!!!

OP posts:
Gawdsake2020 · 28/04/2020 11:09

Time for a divorce. That’s just selfish behaviour.

copycopypaste · 28/04/2020 11:11

I couldn't live with someone who had so little regard for me and my welfare

YetAnotherSpartacus · 28/04/2020 11:12

You don't need a bed, just a mattress and bedding.

Seriously, do it.

Order and have it delivered.

He should sleep on it, but you have it if he won't.

WaxOnFeckOff · 28/04/2020 11:13

He's a dick. I'm another one with a noisy DH, he has a bit of hearing loss so isn't always aware of how loud he is being - he isn't deliberately noisy though.

I can't go to sleep until he is already in bed sleeping, then I really just need 10 minutes to chill enough to drop off, he interupts this with snoring.

OP, I'd just get up when you are woken and get ready and start work even if that is 6am Then make a point of finishing before 6pm at the latest, give yourself a proper evening to unwind and hopefully get a better quality of sleep. You then will be less annoyed if he makes a lot of noise early as you'll already be getting up and working.

PawPawNoodle · 28/04/2020 11:15

Have a sudden flail when he comes in to bed and slurps his tea like a fucking animal, make sure you hit the mug and thoroughly cover him in it. Tell him it's not your fault, you were having a nightmare from all the bad sleep you've been having lately.

After that tell the lazy, feckless cunt to fuck off out of the house (that I imagine you paid for?) and not bother coming back, I'm struggling to see any reason to keep him around.

Original poster
chocolatedrem · 28/04/2020 11:17

I'm pretty sure he isn't doing it deliberately. He is just inconsiderate.

I was going to post on here about a disagreement we always had regarding the dogs. But we moved house and it became slightly redundant, but it's creeped up again so I'll bore you with more background:

(Pre-lockdown) we lived in a flat with only a communal garden and we had 1 dog (2nd dog is a new rescue). This meant when she needed the loo we had to get dressed and take her out.
During the week we wake up at the same time, we shared a car (and expenses - DH dropped me to the station and I commute 1.5 hours each way to C London) and so we worked on his schedule as he needed to be at school for certain times and it largely worked with mine.
As I take about 3 mins longer to get ready every day, DP would take the dog out mon-fri - she goes within seconds and is well trained (for any concerns, we have a dog walker and sitter for when we're working). I then had to take her every weekend, no matter what. This meant I never got a lie-in, every morning i'd throw on clothes and go outside to let the dog go, then come back in and go to sleep.

I started to get irritated as the week days were of little inconvenience to him but weekends were a huge inconvenience to me. The only reason I didn't do weekdays is because I would usually be getting ready.

Anyway, this argument cropped up lately when I asked him to let the dogs out on Sunday at 6am and he said 'but it's the weekend'.

Right, I need to calm down.

OP posts:
PerkyPomPoms · 28/04/2020 11:17

He’s a total arsehole!

tenlittlecygnets · 28/04/2020 11:19

But he said it's not his fault I sleep badly and if he wants to get up / get a cup of tea then fine.
He also let the dogs into the room when he got up, so that definitely didn't help...

Ouch. And this is the man you married, who's supposed to love you and care for you?

Sounds like a lazy cocklodging selfish dick. I'd be seriously reassessing my relationship if he can't even show a basic level of care for you. Fuck that! Life's too short.

I also like @PolPotNoodle's idea of flailing in bed and covering the twat in boiling tea.

HollowTalk · 28/04/2020 11:19

Have you ever thought of how your life would be if you lived separately?

I knew he'd be lazy - it was so obvious in what you said about him. I bet his previous school had celebrated when they heard he was leaving.

You're the higher earner. You're working really hard right now. He's doing nothing - he's not even doing things which would help him in his new job, and he's not helping out with his old job. Selfish. Lazy. Inconsiderate.

You have no children. You're earning enough money. What would a life without him look like?

TeeBee · 28/04/2020 11:19

Oh, FGS, just get rid. He sounds like a total pain in the ass. Is he worth the upkeep costs you're clearly paying to have him there??

Kraejka · 28/04/2020 11:21

I'd be seriously doubting the relationship. He is not respecting you. And if it's every day, then on some level it's on purpose.

Agree with this. My ex behaved like this and it was all part of a pattern of behaviour. If he really respected you and cared for you he'd have the phone on silent and the alarm switched off because he'd see how the lack of sleep was affecting you.
Sorry to go on about my ex, but I should have realized earlier and saved myself a lot of heartache and stress. He always "forgot" to switch his alarm off and it would go off at 5 am on days when he wasn't working. He'd not put his phone on silent and it would be beeping all night. I'd take it and put it on silent and he'd go of it with me. He'd also come in late from work or from drinking with friends and wake me up on purpose then wake me up again in the morning when he was going to work and shout at me and call me useless and lazy because I wasn't getting up at 5 am when my job began much later and went on late into the evening.
Keep an eye on this situation. It's the sort of thing which sounds lie a minor niggle, minor annoyance kind of thing, but could be part of a wider pattern of behaviour that isn't pleasant at all.
Talk to him this evening and tell him you need your sleep and need to be undisturbed. Insist on him putting the alarm off and phone on silent and if he wakes up he should get up quietly without disturbing you. If he can't make adjustments in the next couple of days to support you then I think he's doing it deliberately.
If he doesn't improve get a mattress ordered and delivered - you can also get good blow up ones which you could use temporarily - and then move into a spare room for a while and while you're there, think about whether you really want to be with this arsehole.

Kraejka · 28/04/2020 11:23

Anyway, this argument cropped up lately when I asked him to let the dogs out on Sunday at 6am and he said 'but it's the weekend'.

x-posted... yeah, he's a selfish dick. Get rid. Honestly, my life is so much better since I got rid of a similar type.

EightNineTen · 28/04/2020 11:25

He sounds awful. He really got one over on you with making sure he was ready earlier during the week to take the dog out. I bet no matter what time you were ready he'd magically be ready earlier. That's deliberate OP, I hope you start to see that.

tiredanddangerous · 28/04/2020 11:27

If you’re working and he’s not, he should be doing all the early morning letting the dog out. He’s got the whole day to catch up on rest!

LagunaBubbles · 28/04/2020 11:27

He slept fine and said he can do what he wants

This very telling. It's not the attitude of a person who cares about his partner at all. Part of being in a relationship is considering the other person's feelings. I suspect there will be lots of other things wrong with your relationship to, this will only be part of it. I find your replies a bit strange to, as if you're in denial about how bad your relationship is.

Thefaceofboe · 28/04/2020 11:28

My DP has an alarm too even through we’re both furloughed. Drives me mad and that’s at 9am!

copycopypaste · 28/04/2020 11:29

Ok, so this weekend when you get up to let the dogs out, turn in the lights, tv and radio, make yourself a cuppa, sit in bed, slurp and let the dogs in. Do this Saturday and Sunday

Cocobean30 · 28/04/2020 11:30

Being inconsiderate and refusing to help you is a reason to end the relationship to be honest. He wouldn’t even alternate the weekends you let the dog out? If he knows you can’t sleep well he should be doing what he can to help you relax, especially seeing as you are working so hard. Sounds like my ex who would play on the PlayStation until 6am next to me and refuse to play it downstairs. It is a form of torture and abuse.

You’re saying he isn’t being abusive just selfish. Still, it’s not good enough. He is deliberately ignoring your needs. You aren’t being a diva about this and it is clearly adding to your stress and anxiety.

localbunny · 28/04/2020 11:32

I'm an early riser so often probably wake my DH up earlier than he would naturally, but Christ if he said "I need some sleep" I would 100% respect that! It's just not very kind behaviour if someone you love is crying to then not listen to them Shock

MollyButton · 28/04/2020 11:32

He sounds awful.
Can you afford the house by yourself? I presume you own it/have a mortgage.
Why are you doing a 1 1/2 hour commute (normally), if you moved why didn't you move closer to your job?

You are working too much, and that will be adding to your stress. You need to set yourself stricter limits on time, and give yourself more down time.
But I'd also be looking at ways to get rid of him. He seems to be finding you "convenient" rather than caring about you.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 28/04/2020 11:33

Are you happy? It sounds like one struggle after another. Why should you be expected to get up at 6 every weekend to take the dogs out. Its sheer nonsense as during the week your both up anyway. You need to have a real think about your future, he is selfish and inconsiderate. Your like a pair of bickering siblings rather than a couple in a loving marriage

justilou1 · 28/04/2020 11:33

Jeesus! Is he an only child? Is he still a fucking child? He needs a swift kick to the nads ASAP!

SeaToSki · 28/04/2020 11:34

How much of the cleaning, cooking and shopping is he doing right now?

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/04/2020 11:36

I'm pretty sure he isn't doing it deliberately. He is just inconsiderate.

Inconsiderate people apologise when called out, they don’t tell you that they can do whatever the fuck they want, when told their behaviour impacts on you.

So he’s no longer going to let the dogs into the room, slurp tea in bed, turn the tv on loud, etc? Right? Because if you’ve already told him that he’s wakening you and he continues to behave in such a manner, then that’s not being inconsiderate, that’s deliberate and to continue to deprive you of sleep is a form of abuse. Don’t make excuses for him, in case you end up as the broken woman that says “he didn’t mean to, it was an accident, he only did it because I (insert excuse), he only does it because he loves me”. Good luck, OP. You’re going to need it.

ErickBroch · 28/04/2020 11:37

He is being unreasonable. The alarm can be a mistake but there is no excuse to repeatedly wake up someone by doing things that can be avoided. If he wants to get up and have a tea he can - he does NOT need to sit in bed next to you after. He also does NOT need to talk to you when he gets up to let the dog out. You should invest in some good earplugs or ask him to sleep on the sofa.

When my DP or I are having a bad and stressful time with work we make sure we are extra considerate of each other. He knows how hard your job is right now and he is not even trying to help.

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