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Original poster

DH won't let me sleep

247 replies

chocolatedrem · 28/04/2020 08:48

I'm losing my mind - no kids.
Every morning, DH does something to ruin my sleep. I don't sleep well and have anxiety/OCD so find it quite difficult to have a good sleep.

Every morning something along these lines will occur:

  • dog wakes up for toilet at 6. If I let her out I do it quietly, if DH does it he wakes me up in the process by talking - we usually go back to sleep after (at the moment)
  • he forgets to turn his alarm off. This goes off at 7, I have to wake him up to turn it off.
  • phone isn't on silent and goes off again
  • decides to just make a cup of tea, loudly, and slurp it in bed.

DH is a teacher, he's not like some that seem busy on here, he's not done a single bit of work in 5 weeks and hasn't set foot on the premises in 5 weeks. It's because he only taught exam classes so has nothing to do. So he sits around all day. I work long hours and can always work from home anyway, so I am working late, constantly in calls, lots of stress.

I broke down crying at him today because I just wanted a few hours after letting the dog out. I am sleeping so awfully as of late. He slept fine and said he can do what he wants so proceeded to go downstairs and turn the tele on which means I'm now properly awake.

Help!!!

OP posts:
Kraejka · 28/04/2020 11:40

Jeesus! Is he an only child?
What the fuck has that got to do with the price of fish??? I'm an only child. Ex was youngest of three. Which one was pissing about at 5 am deliberately waking the other one up? Not the only child.

But....
Is he still a fucking child? He needs a swift kick to the nads ASAP!
I agree wholeheartedly with the rest of your post!

MiniMum97 · 28/04/2020 11:40

He can do what he wants!??? Wtf? What an absolute selfish cunt. Does he always disregard your basic needs in this way?

If you can both do what you want, when you are up all night because you can't sleep I would Stuart being very noisy and asking him up on the hour every hour and see how he likes it. What a fucking arsehole.

I would have killed him by now. I need my sleep.

Lockheart · 28/04/2020 11:40

He should not be letting the dogs into the room whilst you're still trying to sleep. Tell him he can have a cup of tea, he can watch TV, he can get up with the dogs - but he can do all that downstairs quietly and not disturb you.

80sMum · 28/04/2020 11:40

OP, I think you need to put ordering another bed onto the top of your priority list!

Separate bedrooms is the long term answer to your problem - and earplugs for yourself as well if need be.

Thethiniceofanewday · 28/04/2020 11:41

Sorry, love. You’re married to a man who is undermining you deliberately. No-one accidentally lets 2 dogs into a room where someone is sleeping.

As PP have said - get a mattress ordered online and move into one of your spare rooms. I will put money down now that he “accidentally” lets the dogs in on you while you’re in a different room too.

MorrisZapp · 28/04/2020 11:44

The sleeping thing is awful, you definitely need a new bed ASAP or even a cosy nest on the floor to get a decent kip.

But I think the weekend dog thing was fair enough tbh. If you wanted a lie in at the weekend you could have got up 5 minutes earlier during the week and taken dogs out then.

EngagedAgain · 28/04/2020 11:46

None of this bodes well in the long term, and your better off without him. In the meantime, the lack of sleep coupled with the job hours is unsustainable. That's the first thing you should tackle, and worry about the long term when you're feeling better. I wonder if he's likely to cause further disruption though in any effort you make to help yourself, given his attitude so far. Is there any chance you could cut the work hours down? You need more time whether it's later start or earlier finish. If he does sabotage any efforts you make to sleep, is there anyone you can stay with? I'm wondering what his reaction is going to be when you start to change things, because he's made no attempt to help you so far. You could get something to help you sleep. Not necessarily sleeping tablets because they have bad withdrawal symptoms, and even if you don't think so your body will give you the sleep it needs, even though 2-4 hours is lousy. He is making you anxious (that's why you can't settle next to him). So, I would initially just go to 'sleep' in spare room so he don't get arsey (maybe sometime in future sort of move in to spare room). I think you will feel far more relaxed. Go to bed when he does and wait until he's gone to sleep. I think (and hope) you will find that you will sleep for longer stints, then maybe another hour or two before he starts banging around.

otterturk · 28/04/2020 11:47

This made me irrationally angry. He is a nasty, selfish, inconsiderate, vindictive arsehole and he won't change.

Merlotmum85 · 28/04/2020 11:51

Seems like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other to me. He needs to make sure his phone is on silent and if he gets up to make a cup of tea he has it quietly in the lounge. You should try and address the cause of your sleepless nights though. And have a cut off point where a normal amount of noise can begin, say 7:30am. It's a compromise then and fair for both of you.

copycopypaste · 28/04/2020 11:52

I'd be ordering a new mattress, and if he so much as opened the door a crack, for any reason other than a fire, I'd bury him under the patio.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/04/2020 11:54

Order a blow up bed - one of those electric ones that blow themselves up - or just a new mattress. Do it asap, and any other stuff you need like a duvet or sheets, pillows etc.

Sort that out, at least.

He really is being a selfish fucker - inconsiderate barely covers it, because if he was just inconsiderate, he'd do it, get told it's unpleasant and then NOT do it again at least, not regularly). He's continuing to do it, despite being told how badly it's affecting you - that's not inconsiderate, that's bastardy. Your needs and health are not important to him.

So on you go with ordering the extra bed/ding and go sleep by yourself for a while - and if you like it, consider whether you actually want to stay with this man who doesn't think you're worth worrying about.

Pastaforall · 28/04/2020 11:56

I couldn’t cope with this. I would be having a serious discussion about this relationship and how he needs to stop being so selfish.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/04/2020 11:58

Try something like this

happinessischocolate · 28/04/2020 11:59

Before you go to sleep tonight just say something casually like can you make sure your phone is off and your alarm is off cos its driving me bananas.Just put it on silent ..cheeers...job done., If he doesnt then you will know he is being awkward and doing it on purpose,......

In which case you can just chuck his phone out the window the minute it goes off 😊

YetAnotherSpartacus · 28/04/2020 12:06

Try something like this

Have you slept on one of those Thumb? I have, when looking after my Mum before she finally went into care (in her room). They are not at all comfortable and they tend to toss you around when you make the slightest move.

copycopypaste · 28/04/2020 12:09

Of course he's doing it on purpose, being thoughtless is him doing it once and then not doing it again.

EngagedAgain · 28/04/2020 12:13

Just to add, with the sleep issue, getting off to sleep and staying asleep, you need to clear your mind, and if you can't completely switch, off as in not think of anything at all basically, at least think of something nice. I say this because on one of your posts you mentioned anxiety triggers. So you need to remove as much anxiety as you can before you can sleep well.

Original poster
chocolatedrem · 28/04/2020 12:14

He does do all the bringing of cups of tea, shopping and general house work at the moment - but he also does need to be gently reminded to do so...

He doesn't cook me lunch because he is (ok he will sound like a child...) a strange eater - he only eats chicken nuggets and chips and eats one meal a day, the rest he just eats crisps and chocolate. As a result he doesn't cook things I eat, although he does try.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatedrem · 28/04/2020 12:15

I will say his general lack of understanding with the tea is that he brought me one too and so came up to the room. Then laid there.

He definitely does listen as he used to go on his phone if he's up earlier than me but he knows now this wakes me up, so he instead just sits there now.

OP posts:
MrAlyhakinsMassiveYacht · 28/04/2020 12:15

My ex would do this. He would set his very loud alarm then snooze it every 5 minutes for an hour. Then he'd get up, run a bath and get back into bed (and yes, once he went back to sleep and flooded the house so once the bath was running I had to stay awake so that I could ensure he got back up) Then once out of the bath he would slam himself down on the bed. Stand up, slam himself down to put one sock on. Stand up, put the next sock on and slam himself down on the bed again. For every piece of clothing he put on he would bounce me awake, again. Then he'd leave the bedroom, slam the door, slam the front door - and then I'd have 45 minutes before I actually needed to get up. Three quarters of an hour's peace after almost two hours of being woken up every 5 minutes. Wanker. I don't think it was abusive just incredibly selfish and inconsiderate and uncaring.

I wasnt married to him or have any shared assets or pets though so he was easily moved on. Did your DH get worse once you were married?

Original poster
chocolatedrem · 28/04/2020 12:16

And yes we jointly own the house. My job is London based and I like living here. We live in Home Counties where I was raised, he moved 300 miles to be with me and live where I wanted to

OP posts:
TheOrigBrave · 28/04/2020 12:17

Is there a reason his diet is so limited? He must be chronically malnourished.

EngagedAgain · 28/04/2020 12:18

Mr - no wonder he's your ex!

AnneOfTeenFables · 28/04/2020 12:20

He is doing it deliberately. Think about it, if you were sharing with a friend would they wake you up every morning or would they be considerate enough to be quieter? Why are you accepting less respect and consideration from a life partner than you'd get from a friend?

There are deep-seated relationship issues here and now might not be the time to address them because you're working long hours, you're in lockdown and you're anxious. So I'd focus on getting another bed. Put it in the room furthest away from him. Once you're feeling a bit more rested, you can consider relationship counselling because his behaviour is tipping into abuse. It may be linked to his resentment over the new house and you being the higher earner. It may be linked to the house seeming like more a commitment so he can let his mask slide. Either way, you do need to deal with this.

Justnot · 28/04/2020 12:21

Kick him out of the room if you can, earplugs, white noise help but if he is being a selfish prick sleep alone.

In fact just sleep alone, it’s the business

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