DH won't let me sleep

[chocolatedrem]

I'm losing my mind - no kids.
Every morning, DH does something to ruin my sleep. I don't sleep well and have anxiety/OCD so find it quite difficult to have a good sleep.

Every morning something along these lines will occur:

• dog wakes up for toilet at 6. If I let her out I do it quietly, if DH does it he wakes me up in the process by talking - we usually go back to sleep after (at the moment)
• he forgets to turn his alarm off. This goes off at 7, I have to wake him up to turn it off.
• phone isn't on silent and goes off again
• decides to just make a cup of tea, loudly, and slurp it in bed.

DH is a teacher, he's not like some that seem busy on here, he's not done a single bit of work in 5 weeks and hasn't set foot on the premises in 5 weeks. It's because he only taught exam classes so has nothing to do. So he sits around all day. I work long hours and can always work from home anyway, so I am working late, constantly in calls, lots of stress.

I broke down crying at him today because I just wanted a few hours after letting the dog out. I am sleeping so awfully as of late. He slept fine and said he can do what he wants so proceeded to go downstairs and turn the tele on which means I'm now properly awake.

Help!!!

Well he's a dickhead isn't he

My husband manged to get himself to work this morning without disturbing me or the cosleeping toddler. The bin lorry woke me up, the coffee DH had left for me on my dresser was still warm too.

Your husband is a selfish twat

I think you should get to the bottom of why you are not sleeping. Start taking a lunch break and go for a walk. Start work earlier and finish earlier. Change the position of your bed. Get a weighted blanket. Cut out caffeine etc.

Have you told him to the alarm off? Tell him now and watch him do it. If he’s not working he can get up with the dog then stay downstairs and keep the telly on low. It sounds like you haven’t actually spelled it out to him. I totally understand how you feel though, I need decent sleep but my DH can deal with only a couple of hours. However he is considerate enough to recognise this and adapts around me.

Obviously - spend nights away from him.

Your husband is selfish and inconsiderate, but this is not healthy:

"I need to log on to my work computer at 830-9am. I finish working around 9pm depending on the day and don't take lunch."

12+ hours of work per day without a proper break is far too much. It's not sustainable, it's not good for your physical or mental health, and it's no surprise you're not sleeping well.

You need to prioritise breaks, reducing your hours in general, taking time each day for a short walk or other exercise, doing something relaxing each evening to prepare for sleep.

And probably sleep in the spare room if you have one!

Have you got a spare room? You aren't answering this question.

'He said he can do what he wants' tells you everything you need to know.

What he wants does not include your happiness.

Get rid.

He can do what he wants, by himself, in his own home.

His annoying behaviour is entirely unrelated to sex just so you know - he's just annoying

I'd be making sure it became entirely related to sex - if he can't be respectful enough to allow you to sleep then no fucking way is he respectful enough for me to be having sex with him.

After reading your last message, you’ve had a lot of upheaval recently.

Are you trying things to change your lifestyle to help with relaxation and wellbeing for yourself?

I’m self employed and went through an insane hard working period on my business with clients as well as huge renovations on our house-I’m not lying when I say I nearly had a breakdown.

Remember to look after yourself, your day sounds like it’ll have a huge impact. No lunch/break is really bad with a 12 hour shift.

I get he’s doing things to affect your 6am time but the more you’ve put, the more it sounds like you may also need to make changes to look after yourself. All meant with kindness to you, I was seriously very unwell and it’s taken me months to get some way better-I think if you keep going the way it sounds, you’ll end up unwell 🙁

Sorry, he's a selfish dick.
The only real solution is for you to sleep in a different room to him - at least if you can get a few good nights in, it might help you to reset, and then you can maybe re-join him - but he's being an utter fuckwit at the moment and not giving a shit about you, so just leave him to it.

I really hope you have a spare room because I doubt the sofa would be at all useful to you, as he will just wake you up as he goes past.

My DH and I have VERy different sleep patterns - his preference is to go to sleep around 9pm and get up between 5 and 6pm. If I go to sleep before 11:30pm, I'm awake again at 3am, so I always stay up later and usually sleep through til 7:30am in normal times, and later than that in these weird times.

But - we don't share a bed any longer, as we disturb each other too much. Lucky to be able to get away with that - try it for a few nights and see how you go (if you can).

DP can go back to sleep or ignore his alarm.

I'd asked him to change it and he'd wittered on about not remembering/not being sure how to. So the following morning when it went off, I picked it up, amended the recurring alarm to his normal working days instead of every day and then handed it back to him. I got a 'Thank you', rather than any of the utter cockishness you're getting.

To be honest, I'd be letting the dog upstairs at 6.10am every morning from now on if I were you.

OK so there is more going on here than your H.

Working the hours you do right now, with no proper breaks, inadequate food and no exercise is a recipe for disaster.

You need to set yourself proper boundaries for work. Make sure you are eating properly. You have got to have enough time in an evening to wind down and relax and get yourself ready for sleep. Fresh air and exercise will also help.

If you have a spare room then use it.

Spare room and ear plugs?

I had this to some degree with DH too. He doesn't need to be up for work (working from home flexibly) but he keeps forgetting to put his phone on do not disturb, so its beeping with FB/Whatsapp crap every hour or so through the night, then the alarm goes at 6am - all of which he snores through.

One desperate morning, after being woken by beeps and dings for the umpteenth time, I reach over him, took it off the table and hurled it across the room. He's waiting for a new one to be delivered.

I've slept well ever since.

Your sleep/work pattern is all over the place and I think that's the root cause of all of this. Yes, his behaviour his shitty but him getting up at 6am and drinking tea in bed is not the reason you're only getting 2-4 hours a night.

I mean, getting up at 6am and not finishing work until 9pm at night even without a commute to deal with is simply unsustainable in the long run.

You need a routine. Maybe something like this:

6am - up and let the dog out. Have a shower, coffee and breakfast.
7.30am - take the dog out for a walk, either alone or as a couple.
9am - 12.30pm - work.
12.30-1pm - lunch break.
1pm - 5pm - work. Then, shut down work for the day and just leave it. Anything left over can be handled the following day, surely?

Then have a nice relaxing evening routine. Maybe take a bath, take the dog out again, dedicate some time to reading a good book. I would go up to bed an hour or so before sleeping and turn off all screens. Read a book, write a diary, flick through a magazine - whatever it takes to just give you some time to wind down.

Then if you're getting up at 6am with the dog I would bring your bedtime forward. Tablets like Kalms will taken an hour before you go to sleep will also help you massively. Once you're getting a decent amount of sleep then you can deal with DH.

He sounds very controlling. I wouldn't think it's selfishness I would think he is purposely doing it to annoy you.

Do not have children with this man. The current situation has done you a favour in that you have seen his true colours before you are trapped.
DH and I have sleep problems due to health issues.
We creep downstairs to the sofa if necessary and we never wake each other, no matter what time if day it is.
Kindness in a relationship is more important than anything IMO.

Go to bed earlier; 11pm is too late if you're stressed and up at 6. Get some deep sleep on your own for a couple of hours before he comes up. Oh, and tell him he's being a pillock.

Your DH is a selfish cunt, but some couples just aren’t compatible for sleeping together!

DH snores, goes to bed late and wakes me up when he comes in, takes a shower at all hours, prefers lightweight blankets, likes the door open..

I toss and turn, like snuggly heavy blankets, white noise (fan), door closed, absolutely pitch black darkness, and have to have my pillows and body arranged a certain way.

The outcome was two very grumpy and tired people every morning. We now haven’t slept in the same room in about 5 years. Highly recommend. Our relation wouldn’t have lasted otherwise.

@Nanny0gg or he revolves his life around the OP?

I think they're are other things that need to be addressed and it might not be the husband! Lack of sleep makes people lose perspective and can put people in an extremely bad place.

I need to log on to my work computer at 830-9am. I finish working around 9pm depending on the day and don't take lunch

What?? Why are you working such ridiculous hours and not taking any lunch?

Quite frankly, I'm not surprised you can''t sleep if this is what you do during the day. Your at a screen for far too long, you're not eating properly and I doubt you're getting any fresh air.

Your husband is the least of your worries. He's being inconsiderate for sure, but your working pattern is your own responsibility to resolve.

*you're

there are

Your job is a large part of the problem as you sound stressed and angry

Many posters are asking about a spare room OP. Do you have another room you could sleep in?