To not like my own adult children?

[Anotherday1972]

Ok I’m ready for a lot of criticism here and perhaps I deserve it, but am I being unreasonable to say I don’t actually like my kids very much, in fact barely at all now?

Without a doubt I loved them completely when they were born and vowed to bring them up the best I could. I became a single mother when they were very young (DD & DS). Their father had very little input either emotionally or financially despite my best efforts and I was always painted as the villain by his family for trying to get him to see them and get maintenance from him. Me, my DS & DD were a happy little band of three up until they became teenagers, when they began to disrespect me.

I have endured around a decade now of insults, abuse, nasty criticisms, disdain, disrespect etc. from both of them, they are now in their early 20’s. Son is at home again after losing third place I set him up in due to a number of issues. I am in considerable debt after helping them for so long and so often. DS blames me for his low self-esteem and total lack of motivation and substance abuse which I have focused all my energies on helping him with for many years, without success.

I feel desperately sad as I write this because it wasn’t supposed to be like this and I feel like crying, but it has reached the stage where I almost actively hate them for what they have done to me and the way they have turned out. No matter how friends and family reassure me, I still feel to blame. I was never perfect but I wasn’t that bloody bad! I feel sad then ashamed then guilty.

They talk about a ‘deprived childhood’ yet I have plenty of memories (and evidence!) of holidays abroad, cosy times together making dens, cooking together, trips away, often in an effort to detract from their useless father, I felt I was always trying to make up for his absence. I was definitely a full-on parent who went above and beyond despite working full-time. We always had home cooked meals, their favourite food, treats and above all, my time. Sometimes I think I must be going crazy and imagined their childhoods, if it wasn’t for the literally thousands of photographs and diaries I have recording all these events (they make very poignant reading now).

Finally after being single for all of their childhoods I tried OLD a couple of years ago and met a wonderful supportive partner. They hated this having got used to having me all to themselves for so long. It was my DP that eventually pointed out how totally disrespectful they were and how upset he got at the way they treated me but did not dare interfere. In the early days with him they would openly mock me in front of him only for them to say they were ‘joking’ if I challenged this. It was embarrassing and humiliating for me.

The type of words they will use to describe and send to me in messages have included ‘insane’ ‘mentally ill’ ‘weird’ unhinged’ ‘a poor achiever’ (ironic because I've done well in my job) I only seem to hear from them when they need something. My DP is getting increasingly frustrated I guess because he can see from an unbiased point of view. He often says what an amazing mum I’ve been and anyone would be lucky to have me, and how he fumes over the way they treat me. This in turn makes me feel totally inadequate and weak like I’ve let them down and now I'm letting him down. He has made efforts with them both but they have been quite disrespectful to him too.

It has reached the stage now where I feel like moving away with my DP if we could to escape the relentless depression they bring me. I am blamed for everything going wrong in their lives. They are both incredibly manipulative and often fall out with each other then make up and ostracise me. They will happily borrow large amounts of money because they ‘deserve’ a holiday then get cross about having to pay it back (either to me or other relatives).

I’ve put this on AIBU though would love some tips on how to cope from anyone who has been in the same situation, how to get stronger, I guess I’m asking AIBU in not liking them?

This is very very sad. Whatever the rights and wrongs of the past the relationship is what it is now. If they feel this way about you they shouldnt be living with you or taking your money. It is not a good idea to let your partner comment or intervene it will make things worse. But I would definitely be having an adult conversation with them about how they see the rleationship and what they expect out of it. The new starts now, the past is the past but they cannot use you to fund their lives

No practical advice from me I'm afraid, however my brother is similar to the way you describe your children. We weren't well off but we never went without thanks to a lot of love from my parents and help from grandparents.
My brother has completely rewritten our childhood which includes gems such as wearing holes with shoes in and re using teabags. His sense of entitlement is spectacular and my parents have had to go NC with him for their own welfare.

Blimey, it sounds awful poor you. It sounds like you were probably too nice. I’d have kicked off at the first sign of disrespect.

Yes move away and be happy for a while. Hopefully, they’ll grow up and appreciate you when they’re a bit older.

Seriously, tell them to fuck off for a while.

fWIW I was absolutely vile to my mum, but it’s because my dad was a violent bully and she used to make it up to me by being extra nice. She made herself a martyr and I used to lash out at her simpering around me. I did grow the fuck up though but not until after a load of therapy and I became a mother myself.

YANBU but if you want to repair the relationships I wonder if you might listen to their concerns more. You have lots of happy memories from their childhoods whereas they see them as deprived - possibly you are both right, things are never that simply. Painful though it is, could you try to delve into what they felt was lacking? If they feel "heard" by you now then it might be a start to them coming to understand that you were doing the best you could. As things are, it does sounds like you are dismissing them and trying to justify your own position rather than trying to understand their side of the story.

They sound as if they are pretty horrible to you OP. I wouldn't blame you if you decided to detatch, move away and spend the next phase of your life enjoying yourself with your dp.

Sorry you are in this position OP.

My mother doesn't like me very much either (feeling is mutual), even after she did a good job of raising me as a single mum. Plenty of relationships breakdown, just because they're family doesn't mean you should be feeling like this and sticking your neck out to make it work. You're well within your rights to dislike your adult children.

I think we are all responsible for ourselves as adults, regardless of how deprived our childhoods were. They have no right to treat you like that and I can't imagine anyone speaking to their own parents like that.

They seem to have become accustomed to speak badly to you, to blame you for their problems. Maybe they got that from their dad, maybe you spoiled them too much, maybe they just need to learn how to stand on their own two feet.

You brought them up, they're adults, leave them to it however painful it may be.

Sorry to hear this OP, my brother was the same with my parents; he always blamed a deprived childhood for his substance abuse, which is a load of crap. We didn't have the finest things in life growing up, but we had food on the table, clean clothes, we went on holidays, and never went without. He also bleeds them dry but they feel they have no choice because he is so emotionally manipulative and physically quite scary. This all started when he was about 15, and although he is clean now, he is always still on the beg- even though he has a lovely flat and recieves enough money a month to pay his bills and live quite comfortably; he is late 30s. Honestly, if you have the chance fucking run would be my advice, but I know it's not that easy in reality. They aren't well off but he has had thousands upon thousands off them, and everyday there is something ridiculous going on that he stresses them out with.

Another day, I'm sorry to say this, but your adult children read like completely selfish brats.

Why are you allowing this to continue?

You are the parent who stuck around, and by the sounds of it gave them a decent life. Not the impoverished life they seem to believe they had.

There is no respect from them. Let them stand on their own two feet, and you enjoy your life now.

Pair of arseholes to speak to you the way they do.

Honestly I'm disgusted on your behalf. How dare they?

I'm sure you did the best that you could but your experience of your children's childhood and theirs may be very different versions of the same events.
If your DD is in a good place mentally, and has her own life, maybe after lockdown have a chat and ask her about her childhood. Don't defend or become defensive but just listen.

I haven't seen adult ds since Xmas.
When he did his best to be a twat and ruin it..
No regrets. No fall out.
My mh is much better.
Yanbu to put distance between you. But do it for you not your dp.

I think all you can do is explain calmly that you feel that you have done your very best for them and that you understand that they do not feel the same way. That you will always be there for them, but are unable to give them houseroom or fund them moving forward. That you will always love them and that you are always at the end of the phone.

Then make your peace with what has been, and look to whatever future you want to live.

walk away. because until you do they will continue to treat you like the whipping boy., Its far easier to blame Mum for everything that has gone wrong and is going wrong in their lives than to realise its actually down to them, their fault and their responsibility. all the time you are around and able to be blamed they wont move on and start to grow up and take control of their own lives. Why do people get treated badly by others? because they allow it to happen. they facilitate it. so just stop facilitating. no more money lending, bailing out and if they are rude at any point, say so and put the phone down. dont try to justify or explain, you have done that and again they dont want to know because if they couldnt blame you, it would be down to them. This is never going to improve until you act.

I do know someone who moved into a tiny one bedroom cottage to force her adult children to stand on their own two feet. Her dd still has a fairly entitled attitude but my friend doesn’t argue with her or try to fix things, she just says “oh what a shame, that sounds hard, have you decided what to do about that etc”. She doesn’t discuss her finances with them and just says that she isn’t in a position to help if they ask.
Could you step back a little without confrontation?

My brother put my mum and dad and all of us through hell during his late teens/early 20s,in and out of prison ,police round all the time and to all of our houses.I remember mum used to say 'I love DB but I really don't like him' I understood that!I felt the same!
He's different now,but I will always remember her saying it

@Apirateslifeforme exactly what pp said.

You deserve to be happy. They adults. You have done more than enough for them and you deserve to have children who appreciate them the way your dp does.

Set the boundaries with them. No more handouts. If they don’t respect them, go no contact.

It’s your life and your happiness.

In your position, I'd probably say to them, if I'm such an under achiever, this is your time to take some self initiative, and create lives better than I have, part of that includes not rinsing your sad loser of a mother for money you somehow cannot scrape together.

Maybe it is time that i, the underachiever I am, to stop looking after more people than just myself, and enjoy the sad little life I've created, with the pittance I earn, as an underachiever. Surely being so much of a better person than me you should be able to support yourself, seeing as I did the Lionshare of bringing you up with no support from anyone else. If you really do require help, maybe it's time for your father to step in

As for your son. His low self esteem could well come from his dad choosing to not be in his life, so maybe he should be knocking on his door for him to pick up those pieces.

I actually did have an underprivileged childhood. I didnt have any of the luxury that you speak of having given your children, my parents didnt give a shit about me. I've got a lot of issues relating to my childhood, a huge amount of issues.

I never went to my parents and took anything from them, I removed myself from the situation and tried to heal myself never, ever would I voice my feelings about them or my childhood the way your son has. If he truly had concerns about his childhood, why would he be there with his hand out? Why would he be back under your roof? I got away from them as fast as I could. I will never, ever ask them for anything. Never.

Hes manipulating you because he knows that you'll always give him whatever he wants if he can twist it in the right way, he knows you'll give anything he asks for because you're reliable mum.

I cant get over the spite of your children.

Please, dont help them in future and give them limited access to your life until they grow up and stop acting like arseholes.

It sounds like you’ve spoilt them OP and maybe tried to make up for being a lone parent with money/material things.
How are they ever going to stand on their own two feet when you constantly bail them out? What do you do when they hurl insults at you and pull apart your character? Next time it happens I would say something like “until you change your ways and treat me with the respect I deserve I don’t wish to see you or speak to you - I refuse to accept this behaviour any longer. I am your mother not an equal or contemporary”.

Then go NC. It’ll probably be hard (or maybe it’ll be a blessed relief!) but no, I don’t think you should feel guilty for blocking them. Maybe they will start to realise how good you actually are to them?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz has put it very well I think

I have teenage children and am a single mum so I get where you are coming from completely.
We are biologically programmed to nurture our children until they are adults. When they are adults it is up to them. They are responsible for playing the cards they have been dealt.
I think it’s absolutely fair now for you to put yourself and your partner first. You will always be there for them but only if there is courtesy and respect. If not then no go. This is the right thing for you to do now
For what it is worth it is extremely difficult to be a single mother in my view. My DS is incredibly disrespectful to me. From what I am told this is because he is troubled (he is) and is projecting onto me. I am trying hard to only react to his constant requests when he is polite to me (not easy). If he carries on like this he can go and live elsewhere when he is 18. No need for him to be like this. So go for it OP; it is time for you to look after yourself

You're entitled to feel the way you do, OP. Reading your post was very sad.

What would be the worst that could happen if you DID move away with your DP? You'd be happy, you would have a supportive partner. Your child(ren) would have to take responsibility for their own lives and making themselves happy - and they would. They're selfish so you can be sure they'll look out for number 1.

It's time you did the same. Really, it is. Being their whipping boy is doing them no good, it's not helping them to develop personalities and responsibility for themselves. All it's doing is allowing them to treat you like rubbish and for you to think so little of yourself that you will allow them to do that.

Leaving now will give you (and them) the opportunity to develop a proper relationship that doesn't make you or them feel so hateful.

If this thread was about validating your escape plan then this is one vote in favour of it. Go! :)

But do protect your own assets...

This sounds awful. From what you have written you sound like a great Mum who tried really hard. What stood out for me was you saying you gave them time even though you worked FT. I have adult DCs and I think time is the most special commodity to give to children, not expensive stuff. You may well have over compensated in some way because they had no father there, but you come across as an ace Mum.

I think you are in a vicious circle with them. I doubt they'd treat their friends like they are treating you. Firstly stop giving them money, you having done that doesn't make them any nicer does it?

I think they have lost respect for you. You're just good old Mum, who can be shouted at, argued with, hit out at when they're in a bad mood, you're a puchbag for them to offload all their inadequacies on to.

I am certainly not going to criticise you, I haven't walked in your shoes, but you've sorted out three places for your son? Too much. He has not had to shoulder any responsibility on number 2 place or number 3 place, and if he abuses substances, that's his lookout. The buck stops with him. Not you. He is an adult.

No idea about your DD but I imagine it's similar. They have to make their own way in the world now.

I would wait until you feel strong enough, but you need to sit them down and tell them, you are going to speak for 15 minutes without interruption. Prepare what you are going to say in advance. Tell them how effing hard you worked to make it a happy childhood, tell them what you've told us on here. And tell them from now on, it all changes. You are not going to be shouted at, treated with disdain, sarky comments, nastiness, nothing. Ask them if they treat their friends like they treat you? Tell them that you have made a choice to be with a good man, and that they show him some respect too.

Then tell them, they are to go away and make a few plans as to what they are going to do with their lives when Covid lockdown is lifted. That you will support them all the way with research, help with practice interviews, advice but no cash handouts and the minute they are rude, any support stops. Oh and no more holidays, they can save for those from now on. Keep calm, do not go back on anything you say or you've lost the battle forever.

FWIW you sound a lovely person, and your OH sounds like a gem, hang on to him!

Jesus. You sound lovely OP. So sorry you're going through this.

Tell them to bugger off and sort themselves out for a while.

I’m not saying this to make you feel bad- but I was a single parent and am again, I have bipolar so am not always stable, I’ve tried the best I can for my ds (19 & 15), and I do know I get things wrong! There are many times I’ve apologised to both my boys for my behaviour and I can hand on heart say not once have they ever shouted at me, raised their voice, called me a name besides crazy when playing around.

Ds 15 actually said to me yesterday how lucky he was. He said I know you and dad split up, and you have bipolar and you aren’t working right now, but I have everything I could ask for. There’s always food here, you cook nice for food, we go on holidays, have days out and I go without nothing.

That’s a 15 year old speaking. If a child can have the benefit of seeing what he has, and appreciate it, then someone on their twenties really should be able too. Listen to your dp, he obviously finds himself in a difficult position, but he sounds like he cares about you. The kids are old enough to sort their own lives out, enjoy your future now.

Northernsoullover
..includes gems such as wearing holes with shoes in

Sorry but this made me laugh

OP it sounds like you have done your very best for your DC, if they can't appreciate that, time for you to now do something for you.;l

My sister, brother and I had a difficult and sometimes rocky relationship throughout our teens and twenties. We lost our dad when I was ten (I’m the eldest) and all experienced the fallout from that in different ways.

My brother is the youngest and went a bit off the rails. At my wedding four years ago he kicked off with me and mum and was generally a complete fucking dick, acting like a bratty teen rather than a 30 year old man. He was particularly vile about mum, blaming her for all his perceived wrongs. Then a few months later he and I had a massive row via email.

I told him a few home truths - that no-one owes him a relationship as an adult. We can’t choose our families as children, but we can choose who we spend time with as adults, and if he’s going to be an arsehole when we’re all together, why should we make the effort to see him? He had an attitude that he was owed a living and had been hard done by compared to my sister and especially me. It was all bollocks and I told him so - I’d managed to buy a house because I’d gone to university, worked hard and got a bloody job, all on my own steam, none of which he had done.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I didn’t hear much from him until last year, when he came to visit me, and was like a different person. He’s had therapy, got healthy and seems finally to have grown up.

All three of us are much more settled, happy and mature in our 30s, and have got over our differences and emotional baggage with respect to each other.

Point is, yours are barely out of their teens, they’ve got a lot of growing up to do. You don’t owe them a relationship as an adult. They might well come round in a few years and realise they’re being dicks and it’s not your fault.