To not like my own adult children?

[Anotherday1972]

Ok I’m ready for a lot of criticism here and perhaps I deserve it, but am I being unreasonable to say I don’t actually like my kids very much, in fact barely at all now?

Without a doubt I loved them completely when they were born and vowed to bring them up the best I could. I became a single mother when they were very young (DD & DS). Their father had very little input either emotionally or financially despite my best efforts and I was always painted as the villain by his family for trying to get him to see them and get maintenance from him. Me, my DS & DD were a happy little band of three up until they became teenagers, when they began to disrespect me.

I have endured around a decade now of insults, abuse, nasty criticisms, disdain, disrespect etc. from both of them, they are now in their early 20’s. Son is at home again after losing third place I set him up in due to a number of issues. I am in considerable debt after helping them for so long and so often. DS blames me for his low self-esteem and total lack of motivation and substance abuse which I have focused all my energies on helping him with for many years, without success.

I feel desperately sad as I write this because it wasn’t supposed to be like this and I feel like crying, but it has reached the stage where I almost actively hate them for what they have done to me and the way they have turned out. No matter how friends and family reassure me, I still feel to blame. I was never perfect but I wasn’t that bloody bad! I feel sad then ashamed then guilty.

They talk about a ‘deprived childhood’ yet I have plenty of memories (and evidence!) of holidays abroad, cosy times together making dens, cooking together, trips away, often in an effort to detract from their useless father, I felt I was always trying to make up for his absence. I was definitely a full-on parent who went above and beyond despite working full-time. We always had home cooked meals, their favourite food, treats and above all, my time. Sometimes I think I must be going crazy and imagined their childhoods, if it wasn’t for the literally thousands of photographs and diaries I have recording all these events (they make very poignant reading now).

Finally after being single for all of their childhoods I tried OLD a couple of years ago and met a wonderful supportive partner. They hated this having got used to having me all to themselves for so long. It was my DP that eventually pointed out how totally disrespectful they were and how upset he got at the way they treated me but did not dare interfere. In the early days with him they would openly mock me in front of him only for them to say they were ‘joking’ if I challenged this. It was embarrassing and humiliating for me.

The type of words they will use to describe and send to me in messages have included ‘insane’ ‘mentally ill’ ‘weird’ unhinged’ ‘a poor achiever’ (ironic because I've done well in my job) I only seem to hear from them when they need something. My DP is getting increasingly frustrated I guess because he can see from an unbiased point of view. He often says what an amazing mum I’ve been and anyone would be lucky to have me, and how he fumes over the way they treat me. This in turn makes me feel totally inadequate and weak like I’ve let them down and now I'm letting him down. He has made efforts with them both but they have been quite disrespectful to him too.

It has reached the stage now where I feel like moving away with my DP if we could to escape the relentless depression they bring me. I am blamed for everything going wrong in their lives. They are both incredibly manipulative and often fall out with each other then make up and ostracise me. They will happily borrow large amounts of money because they ‘deserve’ a holiday then get cross about having to pay it back (either to me or other relatives).

I’ve put this on AIBU though would love some tips on how to cope from anyone who has been in the same situation, how to get stronger, I guess I’m asking AIBU in not liking them?

I think there comes a point when adults need to stop blaming their childhood (unless it was truly and seriously abusive) and start taking responsibility for themselves, their future and their happiness.

Nobody, including a parent, can provide happiness. They can set a tone, set boundaries from which to grow and explore but ultimately, adulthood brings responsibility for self.

Doubtless you made mistakes, we all do. That doesn’t give anyone least of all your children to take their self-absorbed misery out on you. You didn’t introduce them to drugs. You haven’t stopped them working and achieving. They’ve chosen that path.

What you can change is how you react, what you offer and how hurt you allow yourself to become. It sounds like they are being pretty spoilt and egocentric. Spoiling is, I think something that happens when parents try to make up for perceived shortcomings because they feel guilty about being a single parent. I suspect compensating activities are actually quite damaging.

Go away for a weekend with a trusted friend, if possible. Decide where your boundaries are and what you want. Then impose your will and your rules in your house. They’ll be cross. Furious even. They’ll get over it and will learn you aren’t a kicking post.

No money, no arranging jobs, no doing all their laundry and giving lifts. No guilt. Tell them you love them a lot. Don’t let that be a ticket to appalling behaviour. Walk away if they are rude. Delete texts that are rude without replying.
Praise courtesy and thoughtfulness. They are still young and have time to change but if drugs are involved, it’s going to need more than you can offer.

You have my sympathy OP. It appears acceptable for adult children to abuse their parents (most often the mum) for that is what a lot of this cruel behaviour is, abuse. But it is unacceptable for parents of adult children to call it out for what it is.

Parents are expected to be perfect but no one can ever say when this perfection metamorphosis occurs.

My brother has done this. I find it so weird! He has rewritten our childhood to be one of deprivation and poverty. He says things about my parents that are just downright disrespectful (suggesting they are old and stupid etc). I don’t let him get away with it.

My parents were wealthy but not lavish, we all got piles and piles of presents at Christmas and went on simple but brilliant holidays every year. Mostly caravan in UK or France but this was the norm in the 80’s. From my perspective my brother had a great childhood and was very happy. But if you ask him now, he just talks about how he never had anything and that our parents didn’t encourage us to succeed and were ‘tight’. He doesn’t hold back in saying this to our elderly parents now and it really upsets them. He doesn’t realise but they don’t like him very much at all anymore. He would be gutted if he knew.

I think what my parents did was pretty amazing, given that they both grew up in poverty themselves (genuinely) and through sheer hard work managed to become ‘middle class’. They certainly didn’t flash the cash when we were children, but it’s their money to spend and none of my or my brothers business how they chose to spend their money now. They put all three of us through uni and we are all now earning £40k+. I think we have them to thank for EVERYTHING. But my brother doesn’t see it this way at all.

I think there comes a point when adults need to stop blaming their childhood (unless it was truly and seriously abusive) and start taking responsibility for themselves, their future and their happiness.

Completely agree, and agree that they're young enough that they have lots of time to figure this out.

Do not do anything else for them. They sound awful. Just go NC and tell them to contact their father in future.

Be happy. Your partner is right by the way.

My brother in law is an absolute nightmare... he’s 42 but still blames his dad for him not owning a house or holding down a job. His dad (my FIL) has given him about £130,000 over the last 8 years alone to try and help him, but he’s still broke and feels cheated and thinks his Dad owes him something.

It’s bizarre.

Walk away from the pair of them OP. We have gone completely NC with DH's two kids from his first marriage. They are an appalling pair of grabby grasping manipulative lying thieves. We have taken them out of our wills and shut the door on them completely. Our lives are so so much more pleasant without having to deal with their whining bullshit and listening to them endlessly re-writing history to make them sound so hard done by when they have fucked up their lives by themselves when both of them were given the best start possible.

Get rid. Life's too short.

This is interesting. My MIL will tell anyone who'll listen that she has been a fabulous mum, done everythign for her dc, had to bring them up alone as FIL was away a lot and then they divorced....but all 3 dc (my DH and his 2 sisters) tell a very different story. After years of fucking about they are now all NC with her because she is a lying fantasist who always portrays herself in the best light.
I think that people will see and believe what they want to and what suits them.

There's a slow curve with teenagers between being a child and being a reasonable adult and it doesn't end until they're well into their twenties (and yeah, sometimes never). Sounds like you've done enough, they are old enough to stand on their own two feet or at least do it whilst respecting you. I'd put yourself first. I suspect in time they'll get a better idea of the real picture. You don't deserve to be abused in your own home. You deserve a happy home life. If they can't be part of that then they can fuck off.

Its never too late to put better boundaries in place and I would start doing that right now. Be clear about what you are going to accept and what you aren't and stick calmly to that. Do not get drawn into arguments or justifications. There are schools of thought that say adolescence now continues into the mid to late 20's but I don't think as parents we should accept some of the behaviours that accompany this. You can love your children but make it clear at the same time that you are not going to accept abuse, it is and should be perfectly possible. Put better boundaries in place, stick to them and you may well find things changing given time. Not necessarily the better for them but most definitely for you.

I think after lockdown I would be asking him to find alternative accommodation.

They sound like they've been taking the mick money- wise and been allowed to for some time. Even though it might feel difficult I think you could speak to them about getting on with their own lives. I think you might all like/ respect each other more once this unhealthy pattern is broken and they start behaving like adults. I blamed my parents at their age (i wouldn't have spoken to them like that though). Anything that went wrong, I basically blamed them, but I've grown up and had a child of my own and we all get on much better now. Give it time. Don't let them guilt trip you. Your life should not be on hold any longer.

I have 4 grown up kids, 2 of them were pains in their early 20s, took them longer to grow out of the teenage phase I think. My advice is don't pander to it, don't be available, don't chase them and eventually them come back, well that worked with mine. Ten years on they are great, we are really close and they appreciate anything I do for them.

Don't let them treat you like a doormat. Good luck.

I think sometimes people do too much or focus on the wrong things - there's an example earlier on in the thread when someone talks about a mother cooking seven separate meals for seven children as if it's a good thing! Don't allow them to speak badly to you - I don't think you should tolerate that. However i don't think childhoods are all about what you 'do' - holidays and presents etc don't really matter, it's how someone is treated as a person.

This sounds like such a sad situation. We all try out bestows parents, well most people do. It's tough being a single parent and sometimes kids are ungrateful for what parents do for them. Sometimes kids have anger about the fact their father wasn't around but blame it and their frustrations about it on the parent who is bringing them up. Sometimes adults remember situations in their childhood that felt not good but the parent doesn't remember situations where a child might have been upset etc. Family relationships are complex and we bring a lot of our own childhood into now we bring up our children etc. Maybe some family counselling might help? Sorry you are so upset by their behaviour. You can only try your best in life.

Should have read 'we all try our best as parents'

There was absolutely no abuse whatsoever in our family. No neglect. I don't know why my brother behaves this way.

OP sounds like you bent over backwards trying your best to give your DC a good life. Unfortunately you might have spoilt them and been too nice.

I was a single parent with three DC. They weren’t spoilt, I was working but life wasn’t easy financially. I enjoyed my DC’s teenage years, I think it was my favourite time. I always believed most single parents were more likely to be close to their children

One thing I wouldn’t put up with is disrespect, they occasionally tried but I would be on them like a ton of bricks. No moody teenagers in my house. They have their own children now and parent their DC in a similar way and we are all still close.

I think they sound spoiled and disrespectful. You have done your very best in difficult circumstances. I think it’s time to let them go. Stop doing all that you do for them.

My sister’s children (now adults) are the same. For years she’s said “I’m going to put my foot down/shock them/do things differently”. She never has. I think I’ll still be having the same conversation with her, about them, when I’m collecting my pension.

I’m really sad for you @Anotherday1972 but you know? If you don’t want to be on here in 5/10/20 yrs saying the same thing... you have to tell them now. You have done as much as you can and they need to “do” for themselves.

Good luck ❤️

OP

What do they do for work and can they go into a flatshare?

I knew someone who had a 25 year old who wouldn’t do her share in the home, asked for money constantly and shouted at her mum constantly. Interestingly, she didn’t shout at her dad.

They ended up paying to put her in a flatshare and literally drove her there. Of course you might not be able to afford that but in that case they might need to go in a full on multiple occupation house share.

I don’t think you should have to move areas.

Having just come out of my early twenties Ive come to realise just how badly I treated my mother since my teens.. we still have a bit of a toxic relationship but I am more grateful than ever of what's she's has and continues to do for me..
Your kids sound like a couple of stereotypical millennials to me.. we're all spoilt and live in the age of social media, where there are unrealistic goals etc. Life's really hard at the moment (regardless of covid) the average age of moving out is something like 26 now! I see so many people my age still living at home, yet working full time (something I've never been able to achieve cos of where I live) paying no rent, having lovely holidays and cars on finance. It's blows my mind!
I do agree that maybe distancing yourself from them might be a good idea. Give it a few years and they will realise just what you've done for them - they may not outwardly say thank you but their behaviour towards you will change.

When I hear accusations of “rewriting history” it makes me sad. Sometimes you have to listen, however hard it is.

^This is very true. My DM thought we had a happy family life when my siblings and I were growing up. In actual fact, my F was sexually abusing my DSis and me and my DB was exposed to what was going on, and ended up becoming part of it.

Now the three of us have had our mental health badly damaged and my DB's life has been completely destroyed. My DSis and I have created good lives for ourselves and have our own families, but my DB is a shell of a man at 52. He's always made my DM's life hell, she's constantly bailed him out of all kinds of messed up situations, but he's never been grateful to her for anything she's done for him.

My DM has always meant well, and I know that she loves us. But, although she didn't know about what happened and I know it wasn't her fault, our relationship has been damaged because she was too busy to know what was happening. She was a workaholic and left us with our F and au pairs.

I'm not suggesting that your adult DC has anything so bad happen to them. But you need to give them a chance to tell you what their memories of their childhoods, and not simply tell them that it wasn't like what they're saying.

It doesn't justify the way they're treating you, though, that's completely wrong and your DP is right about that. I hate the way my DB makes my DM feel sometimes. Whatever she may have done wrong when we were growing up, she doesn't deserve that. He has scared her as well, which isn't right, when she's 80 years old.

Agree with Backtolifebacktoreality99 - your dcs are probably unhappy about the relationship they never had with their dad, and so take it out on you, as the parent who is there.

That doesn't make it OK, but maybe having some understanding might make you feel better.

They will grow up one day but in the meantime, don't feel you have to let them get away with the behaviour. They may also have unconsciously learned to treat you rudely by copying their absent dad.

Equally, bit concerned that you said your new dp made you feel worse by something he said - it may be in his interest to see off the dcs as competition, so be careful that he's not stirring up bad feeling whilst pretending to support you.