To not like my own adult children?

[Anotherday1972]

Ok I’m ready for a lot of criticism here and perhaps I deserve it, but am I being unreasonable to say I don’t actually like my kids very much, in fact barely at all now?

Without a doubt I loved them completely when they were born and vowed to bring them up the best I could. I became a single mother when they were very young (DD & DS). Their father had very little input either emotionally or financially despite my best efforts and I was always painted as the villain by his family for trying to get him to see them and get maintenance from him. Me, my DS & DD were a happy little band of three up until they became teenagers, when they began to disrespect me.

I have endured around a decade now of insults, abuse, nasty criticisms, disdain, disrespect etc. from both of them, they are now in their early 20’s. Son is at home again after losing third place I set him up in due to a number of issues. I am in considerable debt after helping them for so long and so often. DS blames me for his low self-esteem and total lack of motivation and substance abuse which I have focused all my energies on helping him with for many years, without success.

I feel desperately sad as I write this because it wasn’t supposed to be like this and I feel like crying, but it has reached the stage where I almost actively hate them for what they have done to me and the way they have turned out. No matter how friends and family reassure me, I still feel to blame. I was never perfect but I wasn’t that bloody bad! I feel sad then ashamed then guilty.

They talk about a ‘deprived childhood’ yet I have plenty of memories (and evidence!) of holidays abroad, cosy times together making dens, cooking together, trips away, often in an effort to detract from their useless father, I felt I was always trying to make up for his absence. I was definitely a full-on parent who went above and beyond despite working full-time. We always had home cooked meals, their favourite food, treats and above all, my time. Sometimes I think I must be going crazy and imagined their childhoods, if it wasn’t for the literally thousands of photographs and diaries I have recording all these events (they make very poignant reading now).

Finally after being single for all of their childhoods I tried OLD a couple of years ago and met a wonderful supportive partner. They hated this having got used to having me all to themselves for so long. It was my DP that eventually pointed out how totally disrespectful they were and how upset he got at the way they treated me but did not dare interfere. In the early days with him they would openly mock me in front of him only for them to say they were ‘joking’ if I challenged this. It was embarrassing and humiliating for me.

The type of words they will use to describe and send to me in messages have included ‘insane’ ‘mentally ill’ ‘weird’ unhinged’ ‘a poor achiever’ (ironic because I've done well in my job) I only seem to hear from them when they need something. My DP is getting increasingly frustrated I guess because he can see from an unbiased point of view. He often says what an amazing mum I’ve been and anyone would be lucky to have me, and how he fumes over the way they treat me. This in turn makes me feel totally inadequate and weak like I’ve let them down and now I'm letting him down. He has made efforts with them both but they have been quite disrespectful to him too.

It has reached the stage now where I feel like moving away with my DP if we could to escape the relentless depression they bring me. I am blamed for everything going wrong in their lives. They are both incredibly manipulative and often fall out with each other then make up and ostracise me. They will happily borrow large amounts of money because they ‘deserve’ a holiday then get cross about having to pay it back (either to me or other relatives).

I’ve put this on AIBU though would love some tips on how to cope from anyone who has been in the same situation, how to get stronger, I guess I’m asking AIBU in not liking them?

You are an adult, they are adults. When they were children you had a duty of responsibility and care that mean when they were rude or mean you had to educate them and show them measured consequences, rather than throw them out or block them.

By allowing the situation to perpetually happen you are a significant part of the problem. Quite honestly you are at the stage to step back and leave a space for them to approach you as adults rather than spoilt brats.

effingterrified
No my DP hasn't stirred things up, he gave them lots of time & was non-judgemental for a long time but I appreciate what you're saying

I could give you my mum's number as she's the same. I think it's def a case of being too nice. Both my adult siblings live at home with my mother and treat her pretty crap. My brother is particularly awful and abusive. Also similar to you mum has tried to set him up in various businesses to try and get him independent. We actually had less than your children seem to have had ( not much in the way of holidays etc) but we were absolutely loved by her and continue to be. I think though because she treats them like children , they act like petulant uncontrollable children. The best thing you can do is get your son moved out and distance yourself. Don't respond to abusive texts. Any bad treatment should be met with radio silence until they get the message they need to have done respect

They are adults and you need to tell them in no uncertain terms that you will not be spoken to rudely of they can leave and fend for themselves entirely, why aren't they ?

You sound like a great mum, but sadly they sound like spoilt brats. Make some readjustments to your approach, send a
letter or email, describing all you have done ( just like in your opening post)
and letting them know that whilst you love them you refuse to tolerate rudeness to you or your partner at all. They are welcome anytime as long as they adhere to this basic common decency.
Then focus on your life with your partner and cut the apron strings.

The thing is that you don't need to vow never to speak to them again. Just accept that this isn't working for anyone - they are staying like children and you deserve some peace and quiet (and your own money.)

I would move away to somewhere without a spare room. I'd tell them where I was going but I'd tell them they couldn't stay and that you've used up all your money on the move. Oh and if they ask for money say "I was just going to ask whether you could repay your loans as I'm skint" - you won't hear from them for a while, then.

Please do not do what a couple of posters have suggested and ask your children what specifically was wrong with their childhood. They are obviously not feeling very objective and will give a massively biased answer. I agree with the general consensus to put some distance between you and your children for a while. Paradoxically they will appreciate you more when you give them less and set boundaries. They are clearly not very used to thinking about how their actions are affecting you. I know its really hard but you need to start learning how to stand up to them as they are bullying you. They are going to blame your partner etc and say you don't care about them etc. Get ready for some backlash. Maybe you could phone somewhere like relate you are probably going to need to be counselled through this process. I would say this will take a few years for things to turn around. You didn't get there overnight. How do I know all this. My mum was you and me and my brother were your DD and DS. Hopefully we wern't anywhere near as bad as you are saying for instance we have never taken money from her and we moved out. But she was a bit of a do whatever we say and run around after us and we were a bit nonchalent just letting her and not really seeing her as a fellow adult. Your son needs to move out (be kicked out) and take responsibility for himself. Good luck with everything.

I worry about this happening. Single parent to two kids, b&g. PART of the problem is, brown cat, brown kitten and my son is very like his father and will do NOTHING unless he wants to.
Anyway, my are teens atm and I worry for the future. Sometimes young adults just have a lot of anger and they don't even consciously know why they're angry. Angry cos life is hard....

And actually, reading just your posts and nobody else's I really recognise that dynamic where there are two of them and has until recently been one of you and when they're tiny you're obviously in charge, and when they're young teens you're still in charge but they have begun to figure out that if they collude with each other against you they have strength as a unit of two, and you're still just one. I really recognise this dynamic in my kids when they are trying to bully me in to giving in over something.

I think your kids have fallen in to the habit of manipulating you and ganging up with each other to be a stronger force against you whenever you try to put your foot down.

Christ, it's frightening as I recognise this in my own life. I'm single and I'm not a particularly forceful person. I don't COMMAND respect although I don't really know why that is as I work hard, I am a decent person, I do no harm. I am failing at the take no shit part of do no harm and I suspect that is where you've gone off track as well.

I agree with others that if you say ''this isn't working'' and absent yourself, they may appreciate you.. But it wonn't be overnight.

I really feel for you OP, so difficult that things have turned this way. There is no point on going on about what you could have done different as you tried your best and you cannot turn back time.

My ExH has refused to see DS for more than 10 years, I have tried my best to DS achieve his potential and provide for him, I gave him a lot of memories (which he obviously no longer remember ) but above all, I tried to reduce the damage from his dad’s rejection by living with the phrase “what happens to you, does NOT reflect who you are” (I’m saying this in the hope that you remember that, you tried your best, your children have made their own choices)

I hope you can realise and accept that you have done your work and it is now time to put yourself and your happiness first, and who knows, perhaps leaving them to fend by themselves may kick them into acting like grown up responsible adults.

So go away without guilt, by leaving, you are allowing them to grow up, admittedly many times you need to hit rock bottom before you can swim up. So let them fail, because from those failures they will learn learn to fend by themselves and find their way without the need to abuse you as they please.

I'm not blaming anyone at all

Do they call other people names, their friends, work colleagues, managers, hobby friends, people in shops, other family members ?

Why is there no respect ?

It costs nothing to say please & thank you

Perhaps, you should stop the lending money, doing favours etc

They sound angry

You sound frustrated & disappointed

Perhaps, they need to channel their anger somewhere

It’s human nature to look for someone to blame if life doesn’t turn out how you think it should. We all make our own mistakes in life and have our own regrets.
You did the best you could in difficult circumstances one day they will see this. In the mean time I would distance myself but let them know why and let them know you will always be there if for them. They need to grow up.

Goodness I feel for you op, but they are grownups now and should be responsible for themselves. You sound like you ve been an amazing mum, they’ve got very short memories haven’t they. However now is your time to shine. You’ve got a lovely partner so move away with him. I think hollow talk said get some where without a spare room. Brill idea. You can still keep in touch ,I’m sure they have the latest technology to hand.I have terminal cancer so I know how short life can be. You need to live yours. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Well, with your son his nasty behaviour is probably part fuelled by his substance abuse problems or potential withdrawal symptoms/mental health issues. Perhaps if he was “clean” he might not be as vile towards you, as he’d be thinking more rationally. But of course you absolutely shouldn’t feel compelled to house him until he gets clean if he’s behaving like this towards you.

You could try writing them an open letter. If you write it all down, they can't turn it into being about them, turn it around, or start a shouting/slanging match. (Well, maybe at least not until they've read it!)Tell them of all the things you've posted here - how you feel you've endured years of their criticism/rudeness, etc and how they make you feel. Tell them of all the hard work you've put into parenting them, and whilst you may never had wanted any thanks for how you've always tried your best for them, you've continually supported them, despite them making you feel that you could never do anything right, etc. (or exactly what it is they do make you feel, OP.) Make sure you keep it factual, and list if needed what you have done to help them - set your son up several times with accommodation, that you have used up all your money in doing so, but you never begrudged them of it. Remind them of the things you used to do together when they were younger, and that you thought you were doing a good job for them. That it must so obviously not be the case because of all the reminders you get that they make you feel like a shit parent. Well no more, because if you have so obviously been a shit parent, you're done with it all, especially seeing it seems they couldn't care less about you, you are now going to go and have a life with your new partner. Tell them it's time they stood on their own. Good luck OP, it may be the wake up call they need.

Goon1234
Thank you for your post. X

I have read most of this thread and I had/ have a brother who rewrote our childhood in his head !! If my lovely mum was alive now, she would tell you to be brave and stand up to your children and if they cannot be respectful to accept the consequences!! I do really feel for you,💐💕

memories are incredibly strange things because the human memory is incredibly inaccurate and memories can easily get distorted. With memories you find what you look for. if your kids are looking for memories of when you were a terrible mother they will find them, because all mothers slip up at certain points. If your kids aren't looking for happy memories they wont find them. So dont doubt your parenting. When people are unhappy its easy to look to blame others around you, but that is what your kids are doing.

One coping mechanism is not to blame yourself but to take responsibility for everything in your control. Don't blame your kids back, they will hopefully come round. I felt so much relief when I started to take responsibility for everything. If I felt anger, I took responsibility, jealousy, I took responsibility and it made me feel empowered to feel that it was all my fault because I could control that. This way you will feel your kids can't get to you, because if they do its your fault, so you will work harder to find ways to be stronger, and feel in control of the situation.

I think you need to go on your own empowerment journey because you cant change your kids behaviour but you can change yours. I am working on this and I feel so much more in control of my life. You can first train yourself to not be emotionally effected by their nastiness and trust that one day they will see the truth. You cant control them but if your behaviour changes, you become strong, don't react to the nastiness, and put your foot down more they will probably be shocked.

I think starting with a rule that no joke that is at another persons expense is acceptable in this house. You can set some house rules which go both ways and all you you abide by. Also if there is a moment of conflict, try and emotionally pull yourself away from the situation and instead try and observe it. You can very calmly say when you say X it makes me feel small/disempowered/lonely (and describe honestly how you feel). Don't match their aggression and walk away to avoid a shout-off.

I think you need to separate your lives more. Your kids are very disrespectful but ultimately you want a good relationship with them and I think in order for you to foster this there has to be some physical and mental space between you both for a while.

Hi OP, my mother doesn't like me at all. She will tell you what a fantastic childhood I had. I had food to eat, lovely clothes to wear, presents at birthdays and Christmas. She will tell you that they sacrificed a lot for me financially and sent me to extra curricular classes like swimming.

While this is all true, I remember my childhood being an extremely unhappy time. Yes there was food to eat, but the food had so much chilli in it every day that it would make me cry and cause physical pain, and my mother would be angry at me every day. The lovely clothes I had were awful - literally things a 50 year old would wear, as she would shop for my clothes in older ladies' stores. It was all to her taste, I would cry and beg her not to buy them for me because I hated them. I was bullied in school for my clothes. The presents I got were things that she wanted (eg one year I got perfume because she wanted it), or things she felt I ought to have eg a pillowcase protector. The one time I got what I really really wanted, a doll, she was raging that I didn't play with it for long enough and 20+ years later she was still upset about what a waste of money it was. The extra curricular classes were chosen by her based on her own interests. I had to keep going swimming even though there was a boy there who used to make me feel uncomfortable by pulling on my swimming costume to look inside at my chest. I was scared of water and hated every single session.

My mother refused to discuss these things with me, telling me I am rewriting history. We might have somewhat of a relationship now if she at least had listened and acknowledged that I experienced these things differently.

I am ashamed to say that I also did not treat my mother well. I was a teenager / young adult and did not know how else to make myself heard given that she was not listening (often literally - she used to just ignore me). If you heard her side of the story, she would sound like a saint and me the awful child.

There is often more than one side to the story and if you can, try to listen to them and get to a point where you can all make peace with each other. You don't all have to agree
on what happened in the past, but hopefully you can find a mutually acceptable base on which you can continue your relationship.

Hi Anotherday

So sorry you are experiencing this . My family set up is different to yours but the way my adult DD has behaved is so so similar to your DCs. In fact I could have written vast amounts of your post.

What helped me was to see a counsellor who specialises in family break up. I had about 6 months of counselling. I wonder if this would be a way forward for you? It has not improved the situation with my DD but it has made a huge positive difference to my life, my perspective and to my other important relationships.

Please go and enjoy your life with your lovely partner . You deserve happiness . 💓

As Goon1234 has said life is too short - so sorry for your situation too Goon 💐

Agree with everything Goon1234...life is to bloody short,now is your time if you have chance of happiness, grab it! Sorry for what you are going through Goon, sending you best wishes.

I started to read the OP and stopped, because there was was a bit in there that read like 'but I took them to stately homes'.

The situation sounds with DS sounds a bit codependent. I think OP would benefit from some private therapy to explore her family dynamics.

I might be projecting my own dysfunctional family situation here, so sorry if I sound unkind. But it would be sad not to have a good relationship with your adult children and I think some of the posters just agreeing that they sound awful are doing you a disservice.

Well no one knows totoro, my brother says all sorts about our upbringing, all of it is a load of shit- I was there as well. A lot of what he blames and spouts about things involving me aren't true either. Yes it could be OPs 'fault' but it's important not to discount the other possibilities either.

I think it’s not always clear cut. My husband has parents who were and are present enough, but who are very hard work: selfish, with no emotional intelligence, poor with knowing what is the job of the parent and what is the job of the child. I’m sure they’d say the same as you- that they were there, they tried etc-kids never went without, nice house etc but they’ve been damaging and difficult parents to him and his brother.

Im not saying this is you at all, but for all your feeling that you’ve tried hard, that doesn’t mean it was all roses for your kids. Equally they might just be selfish arseholes (you say their Dad is a waster, maybe they just take after him). Either way sounds like you could do with some therapy to help you make peace with this and help you to decide what you want to do.

I'm amazed this thread has got this far before someone bringing up your point Furry. Threads like this are usually wall-to-wall your point ie mothers are /were toxic etc. As you say, so many of us read an account through our own lens.

It's not clear cut. But the current situation is untenable. OP is experiencing domestic abuse from her adult children, regardless what has gone into the end result.

Desperately sad all round.

From my own experience as a single mum to five (now adult) children.

I think we tend to overcompensate. For the lack of a dad, for the lack of money, for the lack of our time (if we have to work). So the kids, despite our best intentions, become used to always being put first. They get the new clothes while we live in charity shop cast offs. They get the new toys that they long for for Christmas. They get the best holidays we can afford and we pour our time and energy into them.

They get used to this. So real life - finding that other people don't always put them first or pour resources into them - can be hard. They have to find someone to blame, it can't be their fault (and isn't really), so they blame mum.

My lot have (mostly) grown out of this phase now. They got over most of it going through Uni and meeting up with others from all different walks of life and income brackets. They found that their lives really weren't as deprived as they'd thought. Mine are now mid to late twenties and early thirties, and they've gained more respect for me as they've gone on and found out how hard life can be and how cushioned they were from a lot of the realities.

Give yours space (maybe move away). Give them time. Hope they grow up eventually.