To not like my own adult children?

[Anotherday1972]

Ok I’m ready for a lot of criticism here and perhaps I deserve it, but am I being unreasonable to say I don’t actually like my kids very much, in fact barely at all now?

Without a doubt I loved them completely when they were born and vowed to bring them up the best I could. I became a single mother when they were very young (DD & DS). Their father had very little input either emotionally or financially despite my best efforts and I was always painted as the villain by his family for trying to get him to see them and get maintenance from him. Me, my DS & DD were a happy little band of three up until they became teenagers, when they began to disrespect me.

I have endured around a decade now of insults, abuse, nasty criticisms, disdain, disrespect etc. from both of them, they are now in their early 20’s. Son is at home again after losing third place I set him up in due to a number of issues. I am in considerable debt after helping them for so long and so often. DS blames me for his low self-esteem and total lack of motivation and substance abuse which I have focused all my energies on helping him with for many years, without success.

I feel desperately sad as I write this because it wasn’t supposed to be like this and I feel like crying, but it has reached the stage where I almost actively hate them for what they have done to me and the way they have turned out. No matter how friends and family reassure me, I still feel to blame. I was never perfect but I wasn’t that bloody bad! I feel sad then ashamed then guilty.

They talk about a ‘deprived childhood’ yet I have plenty of memories (and evidence!) of holidays abroad, cosy times together making dens, cooking together, trips away, often in an effort to detract from their useless father, I felt I was always trying to make up for his absence. I was definitely a full-on parent who went above and beyond despite working full-time. We always had home cooked meals, their favourite food, treats and above all, my time. Sometimes I think I must be going crazy and imagined their childhoods, if it wasn’t for the literally thousands of photographs and diaries I have recording all these events (they make very poignant reading now).

Finally after being single for all of their childhoods I tried OLD a couple of years ago and met a wonderful supportive partner. They hated this having got used to having me all to themselves for so long. It was my DP that eventually pointed out how totally disrespectful they were and how upset he got at the way they treated me but did not dare interfere. In the early days with him they would openly mock me in front of him only for them to say they were ‘joking’ if I challenged this. It was embarrassing and humiliating for me.

The type of words they will use to describe and send to me in messages have included ‘insane’ ‘mentally ill’ ‘weird’ unhinged’ ‘a poor achiever’ (ironic because I've done well in my job) I only seem to hear from them when they need something. My DP is getting increasingly frustrated I guess because he can see from an unbiased point of view. He often says what an amazing mum I’ve been and anyone would be lucky to have me, and how he fumes over the way they treat me. This in turn makes me feel totally inadequate and weak like I’ve let them down and now I'm letting him down. He has made efforts with them both but they have been quite disrespectful to him too.

It has reached the stage now where I feel like moving away with my DP if we could to escape the relentless depression they bring me. I am blamed for everything going wrong in their lives. They are both incredibly manipulative and often fall out with each other then make up and ostracise me. They will happily borrow large amounts of money because they ‘deserve’ a holiday then get cross about having to pay it back (either to me or other relatives).

I’ve put this on AIBU though would love some tips on how to cope from anyone who has been in the same situation, how to get stronger, I guess I’m asking AIBU in not liking them?

Monsters aren't born, they're created. They are adults and should be able to stand on their own to feet.

I would start to fire back here Op, I had an incredibly sad childhood. I’m not going to lie and say I never blamed my mum I did. I was abused by a family friend for years I blamed her for not protecting me, but it was not her fault. I learnt this! Maybe your DC will start to see the world differently at some point and start to treat you better, or maybe they won’t. Either way, start to fire back,

Your useless & an underachiever
“Maybe you think so but I’m not back living with my mum after losing my 3rd place am I and I actually have a decent job, do you?”

Whatever you do, do not give up or throw away your current relationship for them.

Stop giving them money too, this does not help in the long run at all, they need to learn to be independent now. They aren’t young children, actually young adults.

Best advice - fire back now! They need to know their place

I think you sound like a very good Mum who has done her best in what sound like quite difficult circumstances .They both sound entitled and have a very big chip on their shoulders! I think there is a school of thought for some people ATM ,that everything in our lives is somehow connected to our childhoods, and that our parents "owe us " big time! From the sound of things your DC seem to fit into this category! There also seems to be some resentment re your current partner .I think they both need to grow up by the sound of it .I would not be bailing either of them out .If you want to move away then do it ,dont feel guilty .Keep in touch but let them know they have to put their Big Boy/Girl Pants on and shape up!

Your job is done. They have misdirected anger I would not put up with them.

browzingss to be perfectly fair & honest I have enjoyed on & off a good relationship with DD, she is at a loss to how her brother can behave, but in her time she has also been pretty awful though our relationship is improving she can turn on a sixpence if I challenge her.

HarrietTheShy
They turned against me when they were around early teens, way before I met my DP. It was insidious & crept up on me. I definitely spoilt them.

wantmorenow they are 22 and 24 years old

Thank you everyone for your responses, the support is comforting

Oh this is heartbreaking. It sounds like you’ve always done your very best by them - alone - and often to the detriment of your own wellbeing. They’re being abusive towards you and you don’t have to accept it from your children any more than you would accept it from anyone else. I’m glad you seem to have a lovely, supportive partner just now.

It’s really possible to have had a tough childhood but still be objective and accept that parents aren’t magical beings who get everything right. One of the worst spells in my life was when I was around 9 or 10, and when I look back and think my mum was only 30 with 3 kids (one of whom was a baby), living in quite significant poverty, in an abusive relationship and isolated from her family - what could I reasonably have expected? I think she done the very best she could in those circumstances at that time. I might not have been able to see that as a child but as an adult I can. It sounds like your children manipulate you almost emotionally blackmail you.

OP, you shouldn't have to move away! It's your home. Your children need to move out, and you need to build some boundaries.

Tell your son (and your daughter, if she's also living with you) that you've done your best for them and they need to stand on their own feet now. You may find this difficult, and they will probably make it as difficult as they can for you. But how much worse can you feel than you do now?

I'm so glad you've found a partner who appreciates you. He has put up with this horrible situation so far, but it must be depressing for him. Please don't run the risk that he'll give up in despair. Get your children out and enjoy this time of life.

You had so much strength and courage bringing up your children alone. Sending you best wishes, and really hoping you rediscover that strength to rebuild your life.

PsQsAndFs
I'm very sad to read your account of your childhood, sending you love.

Having been the child whose parent started dating again, and experiencing some very strong feelings about that.

My trigger was that I got the impression my mum could not think for herself. She did whatever we said as kids and then whatever her new partner said. The switch when she met him made me realise she was quite a weak, codependent person and I really hated that she could not think for herself or look out for herself. A strong, solid parent was what I needed (or, at least, wanted). Realising that she was so weak made me feel very unsafe and, dare i day it, abandoned.

Boundaries really are the best way of showing love and commanding respect. If your kids haven’t had them and they are in their 20s, you probably won’t see a shift until they become parents, if then. I can. K understand why my mum was such a doormat (exhausted and broken from being bullied by my dad and doing everything).

Also, I would say that two people can have very different experiences of the same situation, often based on little things that one person won’t even clock.

If the relationships are going nowhere then YANBU to step away, but I would check in with yourself about how you conduct interpersonal relationships.

One thing I would say is don't treat them both the same and don't speak to them about each other. Forge separate relationships with them. Your dd may well be modelling herself on her brother, but it doesn't have to be like that and with some small changes, this may go better. It seems to me they ganged up on you but it's not doing them any good by being the 'nasty to mum' team. Divide and conquer was always my motto, if the kids were playing up, so one parent would do something nice with one, one with the other. That is MUCH harder when you are a single parent and why this dynamic may have occurred.

Separate out your relationships with them, give them both direct sensible boundaries (no more money, only respectful conversations or the phone goes down, always be there for them but not to be rude or dismissive or abusive). Then see what happens. It may yet turn out differently than you expect and you will be doing them both a life favour as they are not developing nicely, but there is time to change.

Really sorry to read this, OP. I'm also a single parent, and have brought up my children on my own (are a bit younger than yours). I have a lower tolerance level than you I think. I've always made it clear to them that when they leave school they will be responsible for themselves. That doesn't mean that they can't come home for holidays, ask me for help, etc etc. But it does mean that I can say no to that if I want to, and that they are financially responsible for themselves. There is no way I would let them live at home if they were 1) adults, and 2) treated me badly. In your situation I would probably write out my point of view, and write out what I would and would not do for them in the future. Hand over / send the letter. No discussion. They would not be living with me, and I would be giving them no financial support. I'd be tempted to say that I wanted no contact for 6 months, to give them a chance to sort themselves out and start truly independent lives without thinking that they could come to me for help or to put blame on me. Throw away any letters received / block emails, etc. You may lose contact permanently, but perhaps that's a price worth paying to give them a last chance to sort themselves out.

Realising that she was so weak made me feel very unsafe and, dare i day it, abandoned.

I think this is so insightful. Although our instinct is often to give into our kids, it can have the counterintuitive effect of making them feel unsafe and likely to be abandoned. It would be very hard for them to articulate this to you (or themselves, kudos to user1470132907 )

They are still quite young. The brain isn't fully mature until 25 at the earliest. It sounds like they are still acting out and looking for someone to blame, and I agree you need to get assertive and answer back - not angrily, just with the facts. You are clearly not an underachiever, and did not give them a deprived childhood, and you can point out it is simply nonsense.

However they may be angry with you for some reason and be expressing that. My DD (who is still preteen) really hates the fact that I left my ex and she blames me for the fact that we are not together, that we had to move house to somewhere she likes less than our old place, and that she has to see him without me there. We get on well and are very close a lot of the time but she'll still scream and say she hates me and that I'm stupid etc for doing this. I know I had very good reasons and I also believe it will serve her better in the long term in various ways, but I have to accept she's really angry. I try to listen and accept that I did make that decision and it did hurt her, and say sorry - even though I can't say I regret it and know I couldn't have stayed with him. What she really wants is for her pain to be acknowledged, then she wants hugs and reassurance.

What I'm saying is this anger and contempt in them is coming from somewhere - maybe from a place of early childhood when they felt bewildered and abandoned, or maybe other things they've held against you, even if totally unfairly. And they can sling it at you because you've always taken responsibility and always been there.

They need to learn that you are a human being with feelings and they need to be respectful - and you need to get tougher to show them that. No doing stuff for them if they have no respect for you.

But they may also need to be listened to and asked why they feel like this about you - what was it about their childhood that was so bad - how did they experience it all? As a PP said, I'd start with your DD.

My sister has a very different memory of our childhood. To me it was ok, to her it was awful. She is entitled to her own experience. My mum tells her she’s wrong and it doesn’t help their relationship one bit. Just because a family lives through the same events, it doesn’t mean their experiences are the same.

When I hear accusations of “rewriting history” it makes me sad. Sometimes you have to listen, however hard it is.

Yup. Siblings can have entirely different childhood experiences. One may have a happy childhood, one may be miserable, another may be abused. Same home, same parents, same general circumstances, very different experiences and outcomes.

Reading some of the comments on this thread you'd think no parent ever abused their children. Or that no parent should take any responsibility for their own actions, regardless of the damage caused.

For all the bullshit on here about taking responsibility, there aren't many recognising the responsibility of parents; if you abuse your child then the damage you inflicted on them is your own responsibility and you don't get to wash your hands of it just because that child has reached adulthood. If you fuck a child's life up, that's on you. The consequences are lifelong for the child, the responsibility is lifelong for you.

Same as when a man abuses his partner - the damage he caused her is his fault not hers. She has the burden of dealing with the damage, but to blame or shame her is unconscionable. He will spin lies to everyone around them about how much he cherished her and how much she hurt him, but it doesn't erase the abuse or make his warped version of reality true.

It is no different when parents abuse or neglect or fail their children. Even if it makes people feel uncomfortable to face what that means.

Some of the posts on this thread are despicable. So much minimising and excusing of abuse and neglect.

Parents abusing and neglecting their children is common. People who make excuses for it are as bad as the abusers.

You've raised them for over two whole decades, you've given them all that you have and you have done your very best to provide a stable and loving home and childhood for your kids.

But they are no longer kids, they are adults who are choosing to project their anger onto you and make you the problem so they don't have to deal with their actual problems. Instead of choosing to have a mature and adult conversation with you, they are choosing to act like children. 🤷

You are allowing them to behave this way towards you. They don't need to be spoiled and pandered to any longer, they are adults, they provide for themselves.

Stop giving them money, move away if it makes you happy! Sit them down and tell them that you won't be facilitating their lives with cash, you won't be disrespected and while you will always be a phone call away, you will not be an active part of their lives while they still treat you like an emotional punching bag.

Right now you need to shock them into standing on their own two feet and I reckon taking a step back and focusing on yourself/your partner and your new adventures will do exactly that.

I think you need to establish some boundaries on how you're prepared to be treated moving forward. I think you should write them both a letter similar to what you've written in your OP. That you did your best during their childhood, you can't make up for their father's shortcomings but you did you'd best and you don't deserve to be treated the way they do.

Say that there will be no more handouts or leg ups, you will no longer be involved in their adult decisions about the or lives. That you love them and want to continue the relationship but if they become abusive then you'll take a long break from them.

You've done a great job but as the parent you can only do do much. They need to fuck up without you picking up the pieces and maybe they will appreciate you more.

But either way you've done your bit as a parent, you don't have to feel guilty about carving a life for yourself as an empty nester.

I would sell up and buy a one bedroom house with your partner. Tell them that it's time to move out. I moved out and bought a home when I was 22 years old. You are not expected to molly cuddle them past 20 years of age. Its time for them to fly the nest and learn how to be an independent adult.

I don't really know what to say. Quite often what adult children now recognise was missing from their childhoods was emotional attunement and connection. Do you think beneath all the rudeness and insults this might be what your kids are trying to get across to you?

I think joint counselling might be the best course of action but you would need to make clear you're there to talk, listen and work things out not have insults slung at you or vice versa. Btw your dp isn't impartial - think about it!!!

Some of the posts on this thread are despicable. So much minimising and excusing of abuse and neglect

Where? For those replying to the OP, who I think sounds like a good caring parent, I haven't seen any minimising of abuse and neglect because she isn't abusing and neglecting them.

Was their father around in their early teens?

@Anotherday1972

I could have written most of your post. I also have had violence not only from my DC but also some of their partners.
Please go ahead with your plan to move away.

Sent you a PM

My mother was not perfect, but she tried her very best am I would never ever speak to her in that way. I am a mother myself now and it would tear me apart hearing they from my DD. I am so sorry this is happening.
Heartbreaking for you.

Parents abusing and neglecting their children is common. People who make excuses for it are as bad as the abusers

I can't speak for the others but there was definitely no abuse or neglect in our house. Mine had very involved grandparents as well as a loving home.

They've just grown up in to an entitled human being that felt like they deserved more. Well I as a decent parent did not think my dc needed to be given everything their heart desired...

I'm presuming many others here with similar experiences with their adult child were the same.

It is completely unacceptable how they speak to you.

At the same time something about your OP makes me hesitate because your description of their childhood almost seems to be too good to be true, very focused on 'making memories' kinds of things, that are lovely and fun but are not the cornerstones of emotional stability.

I wonder if that means you just didn't see/ did not want to see things that were wrong, such as your children's unhappiness stemming from their dad fucking off, or from a hundred other random things that can cause deep pain and needs an adult to help steer a kid through - hurtful friendship issues or even bullying at school, etc.

I wonder how your children would describe that side of things. Did they feel you listened, did they feel emotionally safe, did they feel there was someone they could rely on without question. Something has gone really, really wrong, they sound very angry at you.

I'm so sorry because you sound at the end of your tether but when relationships break down like this I think it's rarely straightforward. Kids don't simply grow up into dickheads for no reason - there's always a reason.