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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have had enough! Probably am being unreasonable

170 replies

HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 10:56

I've just had enough.

I've been looking after my step children practically full time since lockdown as their parents are working still.

I've been feeling for a while, way before lockdown, that a lot of the parenting gets left to me and I'm just at my wit's end now. Not just by DH either. Before this there were a lot of requests from DHs ex as well, can I drop them at school, can I have them for a few hours whilst she goes for a run/walk etc... Which is fine every now and again but I was definitely starting to feel taken advantage of (we have 50/50 usually but now they are with me everyday and just going to mum's in the evenings she would usually have them).

DH owns his business and is still going into work (no one else is there though and it's only round corner). I want to tell him he'll have to start taking the children with him some days. He's done it before, they have a TV there and can take their computers.

I'm just so tired of fighting to get them out for a walk, to brush their teeth, to do something that isn't games, refereeing constant arguments and fall outs. I'm fucking sick of it frankly.

I'm getting to the point of thinking you know what, this isn't my responsibility and letting DH sort something else out for a few days a week like taking them with him.

Perhaps I am being unreasonable but I just feel like screaming knowing it's all starting again tomorrow.

OP posts:

Toppingpoint · 26/04/2020 11:00

How old are the dc?

Original poster

HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 11:01

9 & 11

OP posts:

Shamoo · 26/04/2020 11:03

Don’t blame you at all! You doing part of it if you are at home doesn’t seem too unreasonable assuming you have a good relationship with them. But you doing everything while there are other options available just doesn’t seem fair. Wouldn’t seem fair even if they were you own DC.

Original poster

HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 11:06

To be honest, if it were my own DC I'd probably feel like I had to suck it up more but rightly or wrongly it keeps playing in my head that hang on a minute, they aren't my DC!

Don't get me wrong, I love the kids. But they are driving me insane atm and I just don't want to do it anymore.

OP posts:

MostlyHappyMummy · 26/04/2020 11:07

Why does your husband have the children over when he's not at home? Surely contact is for the children to see their dad?
Amazing how many men just expect new partners and wives to function as nannies aswell.
Just as amazing that so many women just do it.
I hope you're able to pull back and get some control over your life

Original poster

HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 11:13

Their mum is working too so it's just fallen to me as the only person at home as she doesn't have a partner.

His ex can't take them to work though, he can.

OP posts:

CaptainCabinets · 26/04/2020 11:16

I think in the current circumstances YABU. Nobody is living their ‘normal’ life at the moment.

copycopypaste · 26/04/2020 11:17

Yanbu at all op... your dh needs to step up, he needs to take over the vast majority of parenting. I know that when you get with someone with kids, they come as part of the package, but this is really taking the piss.

Nottherealslimshady · 26/04/2020 11:20

Tell your husband he takes them or you're going to stop parenting them. They dont want to brush their teeth, fine. Want to play x-box all day, fine. They're taking advantage, you're not their parent, no one marries someone with kids expecting to be the sole carer of their step children.

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 26/04/2020 11:22

It makes me so sad that people view their step children as 'other' you have them fifty percent of the time, you see them as much as their biological mother, you chose a relationship with someone who has children. It doesn't sound like you are working their mum and dad are, their father should be taking over in the evenings after work and if he works alone shifting his hours if possible eg working 7-3 instead of 9-5. These aren't normal circumstances. Family isn't only blood.

TriangleBingoBongo · 26/04/2020 11:24

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. I’m finding it tough with my own DC. But I don’t have a choice. Parents are struggling everywhere. You’re feelings are totally cold too. Even if you’re happy to help your DH and the kids Mum surely are having days off? Why aren’t they having their DC then? They shouldn’t get getting more leisure time than you.

You are not a convenient source of childcare to be taken advantage of. prioritise yourself it doesn’t sound like anyone else is.

TexanBlueNeck · 26/04/2020 11:25

This wouldn't be a fair setup in anyone's world! Even if you got on with them fine and weren't having any battles it's really not fair for you to be parenting full-time while the actual parents can parent, it's not your problem to solve, they simply aren't your children.

This is different to helping out DH in a step patent role, it's beyond reasonable. And the kids deserve better from their parents tbh.

TriangleBingoBongo · 26/04/2020 11:26

Ffs all the typos.

Your feelings are valid not cold.

Original poster

HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 11:29

I think this is just an accumulation of feelings from way before lockdown. I've always felt that things get left to me a lot. And now that's just been increased 100x over.

OP posts:

thelocalwoolieshasnotp · 26/04/2020 11:35

Not unreasonable at all. Their actual parents need to sort it out between them and not just expect you'll do everything. What would they do if you weren't there? They need to work it out.

OldEvilOwl · 26/04/2020 11:35

What is DH doing with them when he gets home? Why can't he take them for a walk and do schoolwork with them?

Original poster

HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 11:35

you chose a relationship with someone who has children

Knew I'd get that line before long 🙄

Whether i chose to be with someone with kids is irrelevant. It doesn't suddenly make them my children, it doesn't make it easy to be taken advantage of and being expected to parent and deal with them all week on my own practically.

Parents up and down the country are moaning about how hard it is with their own DC. Am I not allowed? Or am I just supposed to pretend it's all roses and sunshine because they are my SC and are therefore perfect in every way?

They aren't, they are hard work. I love them but it's true, I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 26/04/2020 11:38

Bless you. Vent here. Ask for a day off. Then get on with it again. - I take it you aren't working. So you having them is the best idea. However, if you are used to going out, doing your own thing and not being a full time child carer then it's tough - it's tough for all parents who aren't getting their usual breaks. (Love my kids bit I would love to go for a walk all on my own, or a bike ride, or something....but don't because they need to go out too for daily exercise.).

Original poster

HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 11:38

OldEvil, nothing really that he doesn't usually do. Chills out with them, maybe play a game together. They are going to their mums some evenings too of course.

I'm doing the cooking etc... Because I'm not at work atm (furloughed last week).

OP posts:

billy1966 · 26/04/2020 11:39

OP,

They are taking the piss.

They are step children but it sounds that you are rightly being used as a mug.

Tell your partner to sort it out.

Clearly they have been taking the piss for a while.

Tell him sort it out.

Helping out is one thing...being taken for a complete mug is another.

Lemonblast · 26/04/2020 11:40

It’s shit.
How would him taking them to work pan out in terms of social distancing/safety etc?

Original poster

HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 11:42

Lemon, he's alone at work. There is only one staff anyway usually and they have been furloughed.

He's had to do it in the past before and they've basically sat in the office watching TV/playing their games whilst their dad works.

I know it's not feasible full time but just a couple of days, God what I'd do for just a couple of days. Even half days. Anything.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 26/04/2020 11:43

I would feel the same, OP. And if they have 50:50 then I wouldn't mind them while their mum went for a run - she has half the week to do that. You're not meant to be a free babysitter.

Tell your husband to take them into work - he's their father and they are his responsibility.

dialmformmmm · 26/04/2020 11:44

Do you have your own children?

If not, I'd use this as a clear headed opportunity to think long and hard about staying in this relationship.

As a 'step-mother' you will always be in the wrong, expected to mop up everything with little appreciation as 'the children come first' and 'you married someone with children'.

If you have your own child, expect them to be at the back of the queue for priority as (repeat previous tropes).

I've been there. It doesn't get better.

RUN

Lemonblast · 26/04/2020 11:45

He definitely needs to step up and do the parenting thing but I’d be reluctant to take kids into ANY work setting at the minute.
He needs to arrange some time off.

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