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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have had enough! Probably am being unreasonable

170 replies

HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 10:56

I've just had enough.

I've been looking after my step children practically full time since lockdown as their parents are working still.

I've been feeling for a while, way before lockdown, that a lot of the parenting gets left to me and I'm just at my wit's end now. Not just by DH either. Before this there were a lot of requests from DHs ex as well, can I drop them at school, can I have them for a few hours whilst she goes for a run/walk etc... Which is fine every now and again but I was definitely starting to feel taken advantage of (we have 50/50 usually but now they are with me everyday and just going to mum's in the evenings she would usually have them).

DH owns his business and is still going into work (no one else is there though and it's only round corner). I want to tell him he'll have to start taking the children with him some days. He's done it before, they have a TV there and can take their computers.

I'm just so tired of fighting to get them out for a walk, to brush their teeth, to do something that isn't games, refereeing constant arguments and fall outs. I'm fucking sick of it frankly.

I'm getting to the point of thinking you know what, this isn't my responsibility and letting DH sort something else out for a few days a week like taking them with him.

Perhaps I am being unreasonable but I just feel like screaming knowing it's all starting again tomorrow.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 26/04/2020 11:46

You're being used by both parents as the convenient babysitter.

Eddielzzard · 26/04/2020 11:49

Do it. Tell him he has to take them for a couple of days or you'll go insane. You are totally being used.

Grobagsforever · 26/04/2020 11:50

So basically your DH has outsourced his parenting to two women daft enough to marry him..

rwalker · 26/04/2020 11:50

I think you just have to suck up present situation but going forward after this sort it then .

FallonSwift · 26/04/2020 11:51

It makes me so sad that people view their step children as 'other' you have them fifty percent of the time, you see them as much as their biological mother, you chose a relationship with someone who has children.

Step parents can't win on here. Try and get involved and you're told that you are interfering and they aren't your children. Point out that they aren't your children and then be told that you should want to be responsible for them!

OP is their Mum a keyworker? If so then they could go to school.

Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 11:52

So basically your DH has outsourced his parenting to two women daft enough to marry him..

Well... I'm looking after them during the day on mum's days too. She is having them in evenings she normally would and dropping them off with me in the mornings. So technically I'm doing her parenting as well.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/04/2020 11:52

Why should she suck up the present situation when her husband could take them into his workplace?

HedgehogHotel · 26/04/2020 11:52

Tell him they'll be going with him Tuesday and Thursday each week, and he'll be spending the bulk of his time with them at the weekends. Don't ask. Tell him.

You love them, but they're his responsibility first, and he has to do more.

Hont1986 · 26/04/2020 11:53

Whether i chose to be with someone with kids is irrelevant. It doesn't suddenly make them my children

If you were just his girlfriend, I'd agree. But when you chose to marry him, they did suddenly become your stepchildren.

Italiangreyhound · 26/04/2020 11:54

YANBU, they are his children too, he is getting into work as normal and you are left holding the baby, so to speak. I would initiate a chat about this situation.

Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 11:54

Yes. Step children. Still the responsibility of their parents ultimately though.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 26/04/2020 11:54

Sorry, not too, they are his children.

YouJustDoYou · 26/04/2020 11:54

Op has said nothing derogatory about the children or that she hates them etc- just that she is WORN THE FUCK DOWN BY BEING THE ONLY ONE RELIED ON TO PARENT THEM DAY IN DAY OUT.

Italiangreyhound · 26/04/2020 11:54

*OP are you working?

madroid · 26/04/2020 11:55

Yep YANBU they are taking advantage.

Ask them both what they would do if you weren't there.

Then tell them what you are willing to do, if anything. And stick to it.

Be blunt. Don't feel guilty.

GreenTulips · 26/04/2020 11:57

Surely the mum can’t be working 7 days

It should be two days each ....

Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 11:57

OP are you working?

I was furloughed last week but was WFH before that.

OP posts:
CHIRIBAYA · 26/04/2020 11:58

It's important to vent. We don't all need the added pressure of feeling positive 100% of the time. Maybe an opportunity for you to put some boundaries in place that work for you; you don't have to take responsibility for everyone else. Parenting is bloody hard work and it's OK to get that out there.

PerkyPomPoms · 26/04/2020 11:58

Send them to work bc with him on mum’s days

PerkyPomPoms · 26/04/2020 11:59

Bloody autocorrect

AnneOfTeenFables · 26/04/2020 12:00

Have you only been doing this for a week ie since you've been furloughed? Because it doesn't seem that UR to me that as a family you all worked out it would be easier for you to watch the DC for a week since you are at home not working.
You need to have a conversation with your DH. If you want him to watch his DCs whilst he is working so you can be at home alone then you need to be honest about it. This isn't a problem with the DCs' mum. It's an issue between you and your DH.

Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 12:01

She isn't working 7 days no though she has been doing the odd Saturday recently as over time, which is fine because DH is here then (although I still do most of the parenting as always). We alternate weekends usually.

Basically 5 days a week I'm on my own with them whilst they both work. DH comes home about half 5 and mum picks them up about the same time on her days and drops them back with me at 8am next day.

Mum works for utility provider so yes would class as a keyworker I believe.

OP posts:
Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 12:02

No I was doing it whilst WFH as well.

OP posts:
Wattagoose90 · 26/04/2020 12:03

In this very strange situation we've all found ourselves in, I'd be inclined to say you need to suck it up, as being furloughed means you're the obvious childcare choice.

However; it sounds like this has been bubbling for a lot longer, and lockdown has just compounded your feelings.

I'd be inclined to sit down with your DH and explain that you need him to take the kids to work once a week. Give them a little change from this new version of normal too. He needs to know that you feel like you're being taken advantage of, especially prior to lockdown.

For the vast majority of the time though whilst you're furloughed, I'd say you're still the best option for childcare. Try and think of new and creative ways to entertain the kids, there's loads of Facebook groups with ideas and fun things to do. Try and use the time to bond with them and do really fun and messy stupid stuff (that DH can clean up after he gets home!!) and try to enjoy the time with them.

You still need you time, and you still need you and DH time, so get that pencilled in.

Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 12:05

To be honest the thought of trying to think of anymore 'fun, creative, messy, things' to do with them makes me want to scream as well.

I'm just sick of the whole thing. I'm not saying I won't do it but yeah I've just had enough of the whole thing. I feel like just letting them sit and play on their games all day, it's all they want to do without pulling their faces anyway.

OP posts: