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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have had enough! Probably am being unreasonable

170 replies

HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 10:56

I've just had enough.

I've been looking after my step children practically full time since lockdown as their parents are working still.

I've been feeling for a while, way before lockdown, that a lot of the parenting gets left to me and I'm just at my wit's end now. Not just by DH either. Before this there were a lot of requests from DHs ex as well, can I drop them at school, can I have them for a few hours whilst she goes for a run/walk etc... Which is fine every now and again but I was definitely starting to feel taken advantage of (we have 50/50 usually but now they are with me everyday and just going to mum's in the evenings she would usually have them).

DH owns his business and is still going into work (no one else is there though and it's only round corner). I want to tell him he'll have to start taking the children with him some days. He's done it before, they have a TV there and can take their computers.

I'm just so tired of fighting to get them out for a walk, to brush their teeth, to do something that isn't games, refereeing constant arguments and fall outs. I'm fucking sick of it frankly.

I'm getting to the point of thinking you know what, this isn't my responsibility and letting DH sort something else out for a few days a week like taking them with him.

Perhaps I am being unreasonable but I just feel like screaming knowing it's all starting again tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 12:08

Oh and I know it's probably not coming across this way but I do actually have a very good relationship with the kids. We do get on really well and I think we've got some strong bonds, they are certainly comfortable enough to wind me up and be 'kids' around me anyway! Grin

But I just feel like I need to rant more than anything. The pp who said it's been building before this is right, it has. It's been bubbling for a while this feeling.

I feel like I do a lot of the parenting whilst they are with us and that mum uses me as a convenient babysitter when they are with her.

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 26/04/2020 12:11

They are both taking the piss.

You’re the free nanny.

bbyj2019 · 26/04/2020 12:11

The bottom line is their not your responsibility, you chose to not have children the burden of childcare shouldn’t be on your
Shoulder. ‘unprecedented’ times or not they shouldn’t have of had children together if they can’t look after them between themselves.

helloneighbour · 26/04/2020 12:11

Bottom line really they're not your responsibility. I'd feel the same. The parents should do as much as they can themselves and seek you as a last resort as someone they trust to have their kids. They are lucky to have someone like you who'd do it for them lockdown and before. Could you ask their mum if it's possible she has them more? As you've got "a few jobs round the house to do"

NoSauce · 26/04/2020 12:11

Yanbu OP.

SeaToSki · 26/04/2020 12:12

Send them to their Mum’s every weekend, DH shifts his hours so that he takes Tues and Wed off instead of Sat and Sun. You look after them Mon, Thurs and Fri. If Mum wants to work on a Sat then DH takes them to work with him for that time.

This way you get two days altogether as a family Tues and Wed, but you need to draw some lines in the sand about not covering for DH as a parent during this time.

You get two days of peace and quiet at the weekend with noone bothering you (DH or kids)

You get to help out 3 days a week, which seems reasonable considering the pandemic sitution.

Candyfloss99 · 26/04/2020 12:13

You are being wildly taken advantage of. Who has them every evening? Surely if they are with you all day their mother wants to see them in the evening, well she would do if she cared. What about the weekends? You should be having the weekends totally free to do your own thing and have your own free time. What would they both do if they didn't have you to look after their children all day???

Wattagoose90 · 26/04/2020 12:13

It's OK to hate the situation! There are people with biological kids going round the bend too!

I definitely think you need to have a conversation with your DH though about taking you for granted when it comes to childcare. And he needs to start saying no/you need to start saying no when it comes to the ex taking advantage too.

If she's working all the time and then coming home to the kids, she's probably not getting any downtime either, so I'm not shocked she's asking, but there needs to be a mutual understanding and it needs to be fair. Just because you're furloughed doesn't mean you don't need your own time too. And your DH needs to step up a bit by the sounds of things so it's not always falling to you!

bluebeck · 26/04/2020 12:14

YANBU- I would feel the same.

How does he react when you bring this up?

softcloud · 26/04/2020 12:14

YANBU.
If I were you OP I would move out for a while, if this is at all possible. Take some time to reassess what you actually want.
If you do this then they will have to find a solution between them. Your dh is massively taking you for granted and it is not ok.

KittyKattyKate · 26/04/2020 12:18

You poor thing. Why have you allowed this to happen to you? You are not obligated to raise THEIR kids. I definitely wouldn’t!

Their mum should sort out childcare for them during her week. If not, she should pay you.

Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 12:19

Who has them every evening?

We are still sticking to normal contact days in the evenings so when it was supposed to be mum's day, she will come and get them after work. If it's supposed to be our day, they will stay here. Weekends have always been alternated and have stayed that way for the most part.

I like your suggestion SeaToSki, I might have s think about bringing that up.

Like I say, I'm happy (happy as I can be anyway Wink) to help out some of the week. But just getting a day or two on my own (or at least with help), would be bliss.

OP posts:
Xenia · 26/04/2020 12:20

Hire someone to come to the house to look after them (which is still allowed under the regulations by the way - lots of daily and live in nannies and au pairs are still working as that means parents can work to pay the salaries of nurses etc )... then each parent pays half. Tell your husband it is that or he has to take them to work. Also surely if the parents are working there may be a way for the school to take them. The list of essential workers is very veyr long including those in the justice system and lawyers etc.

Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 12:22

They could go to school yes but I'd rather try and work out another way i.e. me have them 3 days, he takes them to work 2 days as suggested. I'd worry about them going into to school.

OP posts:
FourDecades · 26/04/2020 12:22

I agree with SeaToSki suggestion.

Currently the only person who is making any sacrifice or changes to their own life is you OP.... and they're not even yours

IHaveAMagicBean · 26/04/2020 12:24

YANBU. I do hope you’re getting some respite from being step mum at the weekends.

Suggest their mum is fully responsible for her children on Monday. Dad fully responsible on Friday and the children spend weekends with a parent, either parent but definitely not you. That way you get to spend maximum three days being a step parent, which is fair in these strange times.

Best of luck, it’s tough being a step mum. I’ve been there, I married a widower with two children so i got no time off.

Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 12:25

Maybe it is unreasonable but I think with the comparison of other parents struggling etc.. I do get it but those children are their responsibility, they are children they chose to have. I feel like, as a child free person, I should have the luxury of at least a bit of time on my own, whilst the people who are actually responsible for them work something out.

That is my daydream thinking anyway Grin

OP posts:
NotMyNigel · 26/04/2020 12:25

Their dad needs to reorganise his work so he has mornings off and works afternoons and evenings .

Mornings he needs to get the kids up, do breakfast and home schoolinh with them, crafts , whatever. Op needs to go out and leave them to it - office, garden or exercise.

Afternoons Op can watch them at home while they play on the PS4 etc . Make them dinner.

Nights they go to their mums .

Weekends both parents can split as necessary. But dad has to do the parenting not the OP.

slipperywhensparticus · 26/04/2020 12:26

So even when you wfh they were your responsibility? That sucks

BemidjiMinnesota · 26/04/2020 12:26

Wtf, this is insane. Are you in a 3 way marriage? It's like your DH and his ex have brought you in as a stay at home parent for their kids.

Even if DHs ex is working during the week she can pick the DC up at 5pm and drop them back off with you at 8am when she goes to work, you shouldn't be having them every single night.

Also agree with a previous poster about your DH shifting his working days so his ex has them at the weekend, he has them on his 'weekend' (and it should be him who has them, not you doing all the shitwork) and you taking care of them the other 3 days (with them going to their mum's overnight on her contact days). I still think you'd be doing a huge amount, but it would at least even things up a little.

Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 12:27

Oh and DH probably would agree to take them to work if I asked, but I know he'd prefer not to and I know the kids would moan about it which is why I posted here before asking.

OP posts:
66redballons · 26/04/2020 12:28

Big mistake to post about anything but cupcake farts and rainbows where step children are concerned.
Yanbu to expect a break, even if they were your children you should still enjoy some down time.

Pogmella · 26/04/2020 12:30

You’re a saint! My Exh’s girlf was the OW. She ‘won’t let’ him have DC any more week days (4 a fortnight up from 3) to help me get some work done as apparently it’s hard to work with toddlers around- who knew...

We all work in public sector admin (not core services though), i’m significantly more senior than her.

Regardless of who is/isn’t the parent in any team situation everyone should share the burden and it does sound like you’re getting an unfair load. Can you just flag that you’re feeling a bit burnt out and see what they say? Sounds like you have a pretty good relationship in general.

PeanutDouglas · 26/04/2020 12:30

Sorry, but it is partly your responsibility. You are with a man who has children, therefore you are one of their parents when they’re with you, like it or not. Parenting can be shit! Your partner is at work, he’s not down the pub.

Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 12:32

I feel like one more call from upstairs because X has snatched the controller, he's not sharing those, he had one more sweet than I did, he's annoying me, he poked me, he breathed next to me blah blah and I might implode Smile

OP posts: