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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have had enough! Probably am being unreasonable

170 replies

HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 10:56

I've just had enough.

I've been looking after my step children practically full time since lockdown as their parents are working still.

I've been feeling for a while, way before lockdown, that a lot of the parenting gets left to me and I'm just at my wit's end now. Not just by DH either. Before this there were a lot of requests from DHs ex as well, can I drop them at school, can I have them for a few hours whilst she goes for a run/walk etc... Which is fine every now and again but I was definitely starting to feel taken advantage of (we have 50/50 usually but now they are with me everyday and just going to mum's in the evenings she would usually have them).

DH owns his business and is still going into work (no one else is there though and it's only round corner). I want to tell him he'll have to start taking the children with him some days. He's done it before, they have a TV there and can take their computers.

I'm just so tired of fighting to get them out for a walk, to brush their teeth, to do something that isn't games, refereeing constant arguments and fall outs. I'm fucking sick of it frankly.

I'm getting to the point of thinking you know what, this isn't my responsibility and letting DH sort something else out for a few days a week like taking them with him.

Perhaps I am being unreasonable but I just feel like screaming knowing it's all starting again tomorrow.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 26/04/2020 13:17

Send them to be with their useless sounding father

He’s at work, not swanning about being fabulous.

I feel for you, my stepchildren were small when my son was all grown up and I thought childcare was behind me. I found it really tough and I wasn’t locked up with them all day long. The timer suggestion is a good one.

DuLANGDuLANGDuLANG · 26/04/2020 13:26

If you are having them in working hours, can’t she have them overnight more than the usual arrangement? That way you would at least get some time to yourself in the evenings, and as the days are long you will be able to get out for walks etc?
Try and get it back towards 50/50 in hours, even if it can’t be 50/50 in days, IYSWIM?

I think you are marvellous to step up in the way you have. It’s completely reasonable to need some extra time for you though.

Wnikat · 26/04/2020 13:28

Does your husband have to work 9-5 Monday -Friday? Can he work weekends instead and their mother have the children then, then he can have them 2 days in the week instead of you? My husband has the kids at the weekend while I work.

Or just tell him to take the kids with him two days a week, it's perfectly reasonable.

LannieDuck · 26/04/2020 13:33

I missed the part where they still have the option of school. In that case, say you'll do 2 days a week / 3 days a week, and leave it up to DH/ex how they organise the remaining days - changing their work patterns around, or sending them to school (I can bet it'll be the latter....).

sandragreen · 26/04/2020 13:37

Christ these parents saw you coming didn't they OP?

Time to woman up and put your foot down. Not your kids, not your problem.

Or do you enjoy the martyrdom?

JanetheObscure · 26/04/2020 13:42

My stepchildren came to us every weekend and because I worked from home, I was there when their mum dropped them off and it would often be some time before DH came home. I also looked after them when he was occasionally called in to work over the weekend.

Even that amount of time made me slightly resentful sometimes! It's a perfectly valid feeling, OP. Talk to your husband and say that you're finding it hard-going, so could he and his ex work out a system which didn't place quite so much of the burden on you. He really ought to understand, as long as you make it clear that you're not washing your hands of them.

Good luck!

peppermintcapsules · 26/04/2020 13:44

This is why I'd never date a man with kids. They are ripping the piss. He saw you coming. It's common as muck that men who have kids get another woman to take on the lifework and childcare, and so many women fall for it.

They can go to school. I would refuse to take this on anymore after this is over, your h needs to be a parent.

okiedokieme · 26/04/2020 13:44

In these exceptional circumstances yabu the kids need someone to ensure their safety, to get them to learn and yes to referee their arguments. Both their parents are working, you are not, so it makes sense for you to have them - I'm sure after a full day at work their mum would love a break but it sounds like she collects the kids and has them overnight, hardly slacking and your Dh is working, don't take that for granted, many people me included have found themselves without work.

It's going to be another month or so, you need to suck it up quite frankly but also say to both their parents that as you are providing the childcare, these are the rules and you will enforce them including doing school work, chores around the house etc. at 9&11 they are quite capable of mostly learning and entertaining themselves

IronShame · 26/04/2020 13:48

I'm sure after a full day at work their mum would love a break but it sounds like she collects the kids and has them overnight

I know right, anyone would think they were her kids?!

It's hardly comparable is it. They are the exes children, they are not OPs. So yes whilst she might want a break, unfortunately she has a responsibility to her children. OP doesn't, or at best a very small one in comparison.

IronShame · 26/04/2020 13:49

And OP has said they stay with her and her DH on the evenings of their days so mum is getting a break 50% of the evenings in the week!

gingersausage · 26/04/2020 13:52

If I were you I’d send them back to school. There’s absolutely no reason not to.

Those of you who bleat sanctimoniously that the OP “knew what she was signing up for” - yes I’m sure she did. She presumably thought she was signing up to be a p/t step-parent, not a f/t unpaid nanny.

Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 13:54

I'm sure after a full day at work their mum would love a break but it sounds like she collects the kids and has them overnight

I'm not sure the relevance of this? Of course she collects them and has them overnight (50% of the time), they are her children Confused

OP posts:
Apple1029 · 26/04/2020 13:55

Yanbu. People are barely managing with their own children, let alone someone elses! And that is what they are, they have two parents who need to take care of them. They both seem to have taken you as the mug who will do it.
Always the case on Mn, you are never allowed to have an opinion on the parenting of step children, yet you must always be the silent skivvy.
Send them into work with your DH and let him and his ex sort out the children.
Sounds like a nightmare taking care of children every single day, when you actually dont need to.

Xenia · 26/04/2020 13:56

If they are allowed in school as seems the case - that is the answer - send them back on Monday. If the parents don't want that they can pay for childcare.

MostlyHappyMummy · 26/04/2020 13:58

I think its sad you feel the need to justify the way you feel and that so many of the other posters feel that these children are your responsibility.

It's perfectly acceptable to not want to be default childcare for children that aren't your own, and who have 2 living parents.

It's also perfectly acceptable for you to refuse to do it and not feel that you can't for fear of judgement from your husband and the children's mother.

Surely it should only, barring the odd emergency, be necessary to spend time with the children with their father present and even then, there should be no expectation that you will be there.

It's truly bizarre that people think otherwise or that you are allowing this situation to continue - Covid or no Covid.

It would never be expected if you were a step-father.

MorganKitten · 26/04/2020 13:59

Firstly step children are your children. Secondly have you spoken to father? Mother?

Cherrysoup · 26/04/2020 14:00

School would be fab for the dc. Stimulation, different work, some schooling. We were doing work in the mornings then sports/social activities in the afternoons, much better than being stuck indoors in the same house squabbling all day. You could do as a pp said and ask your dh to swap days round so their mum has them every weekend and he has them for a couple of days. He is seriously taking the piss.

Branleuse · 26/04/2020 14:00

They are SO taking the piss.

Alsohuman · 26/04/2020 14:01

Firstly step children are your children

No they’re not.

HedgehogHotel · 26/04/2020 14:06

Seatoski has it. I would just say that's going to have to be what you work out now.

You were WFH, too, AND had their children so they could work. Piss taking extraordinaire. They need to be taking on their own children, even if it's inconvenient, and they're lucky you're willing to do a share of it. But doing all of it? Not reasonable.

justasking111 · 26/04/2020 14:09

Hey you vent, if they were your blood kin you would still be climbing the walls by now. It is a bitch.

Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 14:09

Firstly step children are your children

Since when?

OP posts:
TriangleBingoBongo · 26/04/2020 14:10

Firstly step children are your children. Secondly have you spoken to father? Mother?

Children are your children. Where there is a prefix i.e”step” they are not your children.

TriangleBingoBongo · 26/04/2020 14:12

OP. I am climbing the walls with my own toddler. DH is under no illusion that I want to add to my own burden and look after my DSS too. Slightly different in that his Mum is the only one in this situation not working, whereas I am. But still. Your duty extends to your responsibilities, nobody else’s.

Applesandpears23 · 26/04/2020 14:16

If he works around the corner can he get them up and take them to work where they can sit and do school work or BBC bitesize for the morning, bring them home and eat lunch together then you can supervise the afternoons. Give you a bit of a break each day and give them a routine?