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Original poster

Have had enough! Probably am being unreasonable

170 replies

HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 10:56

I've just had enough.

I've been looking after my step children practically full time since lockdown as their parents are working still.

I've been feeling for a while, way before lockdown, that a lot of the parenting gets left to me and I'm just at my wit's end now. Not just by DH either. Before this there were a lot of requests from DHs ex as well, can I drop them at school, can I have them for a few hours whilst she goes for a run/walk etc... Which is fine every now and again but I was definitely starting to feel taken advantage of (we have 50/50 usually but now they are with me everyday and just going to mum's in the evenings she would usually have them).

DH owns his business and is still going into work (no one else is there though and it's only round corner). I want to tell him he'll have to start taking the children with him some days. He's done it before, they have a TV there and can take their computers.

I'm just so tired of fighting to get them out for a walk, to brush their teeth, to do something that isn't games, refereeing constant arguments and fall outs. I'm fucking sick of it frankly.

I'm getting to the point of thinking you know what, this isn't my responsibility and letting DH sort something else out for a few days a week like taking them with him.

Perhaps I am being unreasonable but I just feel like screaming knowing it's all starting again tomorrow.

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 26/04/2020 12:33

God.... I hate it when that line is rolled out (usually by someone who has no experience of step parenting).... you knew what you were getting into. Utter rubbish.

SM’s can’t win..... we shouldn’t discipline, shouldn’t interfere....

But are expected to do everything that the parents can’t be arsed to.

For your own MH I would disengage.

Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 12:35

therefore you are one of their parents when they’re with you, like it or not

Yes and I do a huge proportion of parenting as it is, thank you.

They are still the responsibility of their actual parents though whether you like it or not.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 26/04/2020 12:35

Send them to their Mum’s every weekend, DH shifts his hours so that he takes Tues and Wed off instead of Sat and Sun. You look after them Mon, Thurs and Fri. If Mum wants to work on a Sat then DH takes them to work with him for that time.

Yes, I like this too.

Really, DH and his ex should be figuring out a sustainable way forward that doesn't just mean dumping on you.

In your shoes, I think I would offer to have then 3 days a week, and ask DH/ex to figure out a way to parent for 2 days a week each.

ukgift2016 · 26/04/2020 12:36

So they CAN go to school but you don't want that.

What is it then? Do you want to provide childcare or not? To me it appears you just want to have an rant.

FourDecades · 26/04/2020 12:36

@HadEnoughEnough is DH not there today? Can't you go out and leave them to it today, for your daily exercise for the afternoon.

Pogmella · 26/04/2020 12:36

OP I set a timer up for mine and tell them if they can go 30 minutes without calling for me (unless genuine emergency) and find a game in their play room then I’ll paint their toes/let them play with the hose or whatever annoying game they love. Once they’re actually engaged in something I have been known to wind the timer on a bit more...

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 26/04/2020 12:36

You have been, and are being taken advantage of

How would they organise their lives if they did not have you as a free nanny?

You are very kind but they are both taking the mickey here

Namelessinseattle · 26/04/2020 12:37

I feel the same way as you except they're my bloody children. Everyone's fed up of their kids so don't be worrying about being sick of them. I love Seatoskis suggestion. I'd be really reasonable with your dh and acknowledge on paper that it makes sense that you're the primary carer, global pandemic, doing your bit, love the kids blah blah blah but you're losing your mind and need more support from The two of them and here's what you're proposing. Then I'd finishing it off by saying obvs it's a suggestion and ultimately between you and ex how you work it out but I need two days a week off, god speed, let me know the plan when you have it.

IronShame · 26/04/2020 12:38

It's only a step parents responsibility when whatever it is in question is an inconvenience to their actual parents Smile

If you said any of the 'good bits' were your responsibility too, you'd be hung drawn and quartered.

Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 12:40

So they CAN go to school but you don't want that. What is it then? Do you want to provide childcare or not?

Oh give over trying to be clever. I meant I don't want to say they'll have to go to school. I'd rather look after them a few days a week and have their parents (i.e. DH take them to work for two days) sort something for the rest of the week than say I'm not doing anything so they'll have to go to school.

It's not up to me whether they go to school or not.

OP posts:
bluebeck · 26/04/2020 12:43

They could go to school yes but I'd rather try and work out another way

So you are just a martyr then?

Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 12:45

So you are just a martyr then?

In what way is me saying I'd prefer to try and work something else out first (i.e. lots of other posters suggestions) me being a martyr?

I still want to change something, I am still open to suggestions, but I think sending them to school all week should be the last resort yes and something I think all of us would like to avoid if we can come to another agreement.

OP posts:
Original poster
HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 12:48

Would you prefer me to say I'm not doing anything at all and you can just stick them in school all week instead?

Because I'm sure I'd have been lynched if I'd have said that.

OP posts:
TriangleBingoBongo · 26/04/2020 12:53

Maybe it is unreasonable but I think with the comparison of other parents struggling etc.. I do get it but those children are their responsibility, they are children they chose to have.

This with bells on.

OP is their parent in the loosest possible sense. I.e when it suits either actual parent. OP having no influence over whether or not they go to school but having to take care of them as a consequence of that decision, which isn’t hers to make, is a prime example of how she’s not considered a parent but is leant on nonetheless.

OP you are a saint offering to have them at all. I would be falling at your feet for your offer of helping at this time.

shinyredbus · 26/04/2020 12:56

Look they’re not you kids. Send them to be with their useless sounding father. He needs to step up - you say you do weekends when he’s around too? He’s taken you for a mug op.

shinyredbus · 26/04/2020 12:57

Your ^^

conduitoffortune · 26/04/2020 13:00

It's always a step mum's responsibility when it's a dogs work job or financial. Never when it's about doing anything nice or being involved any any significant or milestone situation 🙄 always good enough to do the bulk of the boring parts of parenting, washing, home schooling, making meals, paying for stuff but not good enough to go to parents evenings or plays or graduations or sit on the top table at weddings. At least that's the general attitude on lots of step parent threads. I feel sorry for step parents.

Ispini · 26/04/2020 13:05

You need to lay down the law with your husband. He needs to sit the kids down and establish rules about fighting etc. any problems should have a consequence. I have two teenage girls at home and they are killing each other. Last week I just started taking their phones off them for a couple of hours if things got out of hand, it has worked wonders!
Your DH needs to liaise with their mother and you should tell him what days/times you are having to yourself, don’t ask! They are massively taking the piss and you have been a saint.
Good luck OP, I hope it works out for you.

MissHoskins · 26/04/2020 13:10

It's not quite a full house yet, nobody has asked if the op was the OW.

InescapableDeath · 26/04/2020 13:10

You need at least a day a week (or two half days) off a week. Yes, they are partially your responsibility but in any family unit where there are two grownups (at least!), these duties should be shared. DH might be working but homeschooling is really really hard. One day a week where they laze about at his work should be fine.

He should be worried about how you're getting on!

TheListeners · 26/04/2020 13:12

I can't believe you were looking after them even when you were working from home while their Dad swanned off to work.

Have you read the book wife work? I expect you would find it interesting.

BumbleBeee69 · 26/04/2020 13:15

I'm sorry OP.. they are ripping the piss... Flowers

Frangipanini · 26/04/2020 13:15

If you share 50/50 then you and your DH should only be having them 3.5 days a week, right? Can you get your DH to take them to work with him at least 1.5 days and you do the rest as a compromise?

Feedingthebirds1 · 26/04/2020 13:16

nothing really that he doesn't usually do. Chills out with them, maybe play a game together.

So even though they are supposedly living with both of you, you are the disciplinarian, the cook, the referee, the enforcer of rules (teeth, screen time etc.), he is still playing Disney dad??

No. However he deals with it, he has to be a proper parent to his DC.

Frangipanini · 26/04/2020 13:17

Also at 9 and 11 they should be able to help out big time. I have a 10 year old and one a bit older and they can make meals, tidy up, put out a wash and run the dog ragged in the garden. Get them busy.