Have had enough! Probably am being unreasonable

[HadEnoughEnough]

I've just had enough.

I've been looking after my step children practically full time since lockdown as their parents are working still.

I've been feeling for a while, way before lockdown, that a lot of the parenting gets left to me and I'm just at my wit's end now. Not just by DH either. Before this there were a lot of requests from DHs ex as well, can I drop them at school, can I have them for a few hours whilst she goes for a run/walk etc... Which is fine every now and again but I was definitely starting to feel taken advantage of (we have 50/50 usually but now they are with me everyday and just going to mum's in the evenings she would usually have them).

DH owns his business and is still going into work (no one else is there though and it's only round corner). I want to tell him he'll have to start taking the children with him some days. He's done it before, they have a TV there and can take their computers.

I'm just so tired of fighting to get them out for a walk, to brush their teeth, to do something that isn't games, refereeing constant arguments and fall outs. I'm fucking sick of it frankly.

I'm getting to the point of thinking you know what, this isn't my responsibility and letting DH sort something else out for a few days a week like taking them with him.

Perhaps I am being unreasonable but I just feel like screaming knowing it's all starting again tomorrow.

YANBU, the parents need to step up and actually parent. Why your husband can’t take them to work a few days or their mum arrange her working pattern isn’t your concern. I’d tell your husband you were having a break from looking after them for a few weeks and the ex and him will need to sort something out

As a minimum I think your DH should be taking the kids with him either all of Wednesday or come home for lunch & take them back for the afternoon Tuesdays & Thursdays.

I have my kids full time always- SAHM & we HE - but this situation is still hard (my DH is working from home nearly full time) because all our usual activities are off & we normally have full days out of the house at least twice a week (with this weather it would be every day!). You are making far more adjustments so of course it is harder For you! Better to work out a new solution than resent the kids

Firstly step children are your children

I am not a step mum, but I am a step daughter and I can tell you that I am not my step mums child. I am my mothers child. It is insulting to my own mother to say otherwise.

OP, you are a complete MuG.

The two of them saw you coming.

God help step mothers, good for babysitting and not much else.

I wouldn't do it for diamonds...no man is worth that effort.

So you were also doing it when you were WFH.

Your husband and his ex are CF's of the highest order.

OP, have some respect and value yourself.

They are NOT your children.
They are step children.

YOU are parenting them more than either of their parents...

Like I wrote...you are being taken for a complete MUG.

Apologies for being so blunt.

Had enough - get the parents to send them to school a couple of days a week.
They are the responsibility of the father and mother firstly.
You need a break!!!

YANBU in the slightest - the two actual parents are seriously taking advantage of you and it isn’t right. You’re also 100% correct that parents can moan all they like about looking after children during lockdown, and everyone is sympathetic, but god forbid a step parent utter a word of dissatisfaction!

How do you think this situation got to this OP? From what you say it sounds like both parents see you as a willing and engaged participant in this three hander? There are lots of ways co-parenting can work and its not to say one way is right and one way is wrong, but it sounds like you feel very put upon and taken for granted. When I hear situations like this I always wonder how it got there? At the start of your relationship with DH did you take the view that you were in as a three parenting approach or did you see it as mum and dad working things out between them and you as dads partner, the children's step mum, supporting him when the children were with him?

Its unusual for parents to get to this position unless they have gotten the message that it is OK to share the load with you?

I ask this because depending how you think the arrangement got created can be important to how you negotiate change. If you think you helped create it then a good approach is to sit the adults down and explain you want to change it. If you feel its been a slow incremental abdication by the others, then you are more entitled to say hold up - you two are taking the P.

However it is worth thinking about a few things before you take it on - do the three of you generally agree about parenting strategies? Are you respected and trusted by the parents that what you says goes with the kids when in your care? That is worth a lot if you have it. They will not be kids for ever, do you see them as your family? As people you hope to be in your life in a really important way throughout yours and their life? Will you think of yourself as a grandparent to their children? If so be thoughtful about how you talk with each other about this situation - I would say your husband needs to lead on listening to your views and thinking how he is going to pull his weight and you might need to consider how you hold your boundaries and why you hold them. The children really don't need to feel like they are the problem because the adults cant make it work.

Maybe the lockdown has just brought a needed conversation come to a head - all I am saying is it might not be about child care per se but about how you see fairness in your relationship.

I like seatoski's suggestion. No reason why that shouldn't work to be honest. They're not your children, not your responsibility. It's very nice of you to help out so far but you don't need to continue. Be careful your rage at your husband and the ex doesn't accidentally come out at the children though. If you can't talk to your husband about this and expect him to listen to you, you've got bigger problems.

OP may I ask what are your own working arrangements and how the childcare issue works outside the lockdown? I understand that you are responsible for taking them to and from school?

The parents are taking the piss, big time. And you sound lovely, Op, and very much entitled to a rant, moan, vent, whenever you want at the moment without people bitching at you for it.

I agree that your DH needs to rejig his working days so that they at least have one parent at home 4 days a week. You take the other 3 days, but then are completely hands off in the evenings.

Both DH and I are WFH and trying to share out childcare between us, and it's absolutely exhausting as it means we never get time off. But we choose to be parents, so we have to suck ut up. And that's what your DH and his ex should be doing also.

You need to talk to him and present the plan to him. You can't go on like this, and nor shoukd you need to.

I remember your last post, did you make changes to the home schooling expectations of their mother?

They really have got you well trained. YANBU at all. I really like the idea of tues / weds swapped for sat /sun. Can their mother do this as well? If she were to work Saturday instead of Friday, you could have the children alone Monday, Thursday and Saturday. Failing this, I really would reconsider sending them to school. With so few children there, it actually sounds like a safe and fun environment. It will be more like a club than actual school especially if they are both still at primary.

Who decided you would have them every day? Surely when it's mum's turn to have them she takes and collects them from school. When it's dad's turn he decides whether they go to school, he takes them to work or, if he asks you very nicely, if you would look after them for a day. When he is home with the children he should be the main carer and you help him out because that is your role as his wife (not the main feeder, nurturer, cleaner etc) A serious conversation needs to take place where you calmly say you feel taken advantage of, you have taken on more than you feel capable of and he needs to talk to his ex about new arrangements going forwards, Don't be made to feel guilty or wrong,

Tbh I think yabu. I don't think your DH should be taking them into work with him. It wouldn't be the end of the world if he stopped working to look after them as they're his kids but I'm guessing you looking after them would be better for your own household.

I definitely wouldn’t want to be doing what they’re expecting you to do. Is your DH pulled out at work? Busy all day? If not, he needs to step in, step up and parent his two children. If he is hugely busy at work and keeping everything financially afloat, then that’s different.

And you are not the unpaid char. When things get back to normal, do not be doing what you’ve done in the past. Sounds like your DH and his Ex are using you.

Their mother needs to take them every night if they are your and their father's responsibility all day or she needs to take them all weekend at the moment, not alternate. You are being very taken advantage of OP and this is not fair. You need to set boundaries asap.

Honestly i don't think people suggesting that op has set days to do childcare which her husband and his ex approve is reasonable at all.

She's not a 3rd parent ffs with 1/3rd of the parenting commitment!

The responsibility here is the mum and dad.

As a favour to her DH she may be able and willing to say she could look after them for him now and then... But not set days! It just reinforces their fucked up expectations that their responsibility is her problem.

So please don't think that saying something like "I can have them Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays" is helpful, it's literally not her problem, and if DH has issues with that, then there's a DH problem. Still no childcare problem for her!

If you’ve only been furloughed in last week or so, what was the arrangement for the children before. Can you go back to that ?

She’s already said she was WFH before being furloughed, and still expected to look after the children f/t.

@TexanBlueNeck
Completely agree.

Are you ever consulted OP, or do the two of them just think "sure that MUG had enough will do whatever she's told"🙄

I would have a very hard time believing i was really loved by a partner who felt it was just mighty fine to use Billy for childcare all the time...

Not that it would EVER happen to some women, because the know better than to accept that bullshit from anyone.

They are NOT your children.

They are the responsibility of their parents.

You are a complete MUG to be unpaid fulltime childcare for them.

I'd be packing my bag and visiting family and leave them to it.

We teach people how to treat us...and you have taught them to treat you like char and a MUG.

Just to be clear, these children cannot go to school. Schools are open for children of key workers where they cannot be safely cared for in the home. These children can, by the OP. However, dad needs to step up here. If he is the only one in his office, what is he doing there that he cannot do from home? Your husband should be WFH if it is possible for him to do so. It is reasonable for you to do your share of parenting during this time particularly but it doesn't sound as though you object to that, but do object to doing it as the sole carer the vast majority of the time and you are perfectly reasonable in feeling that way. Time to bring this up with their dad - he needs to WFH if possible, which will involve needing to work round his children (many, many people are having to make this work atm) or he needs to rearrange his working hours, similarly to the suggestion made my a PP, so that he can step up and take some of the childcare. Arrangements can be made for these children in the home but he is taking the piss by leaving it all to you. Talk to him.

Yep @billy1966 is correct. Time to set some boundaries.

where they cannot be safely cared for in the home

Yes, by their parents. Their step parents aren't obliged to step in and cover if the parents can't...

You're not the poster who had the ex complain because you took the kids out for walks each day, are you?

Set the limit with your husband about having a few days off from it - I would do it regularly if I were you. It doesnt hurt them to go watch tv there, and you need a break.