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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have had enough! Probably am being unreasonable

170 replies

HadEnoughEnough · 26/04/2020 10:56

I've just had enough.

I've been looking after my step children practically full time since lockdown as their parents are working still.

I've been feeling for a while, way before lockdown, that a lot of the parenting gets left to me and I'm just at my wit's end now. Not just by DH either. Before this there were a lot of requests from DHs ex as well, can I drop them at school, can I have them for a few hours whilst she goes for a run/walk etc... Which is fine every now and again but I was definitely starting to feel taken advantage of (we have 50/50 usually but now they are with me everyday and just going to mum's in the evenings she would usually have them).

DH owns his business and is still going into work (no one else is there though and it's only round corner). I want to tell him he'll have to start taking the children with him some days. He's done it before, they have a TV there and can take their computers.

I'm just so tired of fighting to get them out for a walk, to brush their teeth, to do something that isn't games, refereeing constant arguments and fall outs. I'm fucking sick of it frankly.

I'm getting to the point of thinking you know what, this isn't my responsibility and letting DH sort something else out for a few days a week like taking them with him.

Perhaps I am being unreasonable but I just feel like screaming knowing it's all starting again tomorrow.

OP posts:
TriangleBingoBongo · 26/04/2020 17:20

where they cannot be safely cared for in the home

Yes, by their parents. Their step parents aren't obliged to step in and cover if the parents can't...

^^ precisely. Or this logic would apply to any extended family member or friend, which clearly it doesn’t.

RandomMess · 26/04/2020 17:26

If your DH and Ex won't agree to the proposal of him working different days and Ex covering both weekends I think I'd refuse to do any of it and say they'll have to go to school then...

I think you sound like you're about to crack and that wouldn't help anyone Thanks

monkeymonkey2010 · 26/04/2020 17:29

So basically, what you're saying is that your husband leaves the majority of parenting to you usually.......and even when he has the option of taking the kids to work with him he won't unless pushed to?

He's deliberately taking the piss out of you.
So what if the kids don't like spending the day at his work place?
They can get on with online school work!

A fairer way would be if he took them to work 3 days a week and you had them for two......he needs to take responsibility for his kids OP.

Pasghetti · 26/04/2020 17:32

YANBU and you have been taken for a mug. Most of us are being driven mad by our own biological children, never mind step children. Even a day a week would allow you to recharge your batteries.

fishonabicycle · 26/04/2020 17:41

They definitely shouldn't be your responsibility on their mother's 50%! Say hi, she needs to sort out childcare for the. Or they can go to school like other key workers children. On all the days.

fishonabicycle · 26/04/2020 17:43

Sorry - well, if it's your choice that they don't go to school (and I don't know why it's your choice?) - then you will have to deal with it.

billy1966 · 26/04/2020 18:17

I'm so glad others agree, I come on here and read threads like this and think I really must be a lightening bitch....I would never allow myself to be used similarly.

Its actually reminded me of a girl I worked with and was friendly with in work 30 years ago.

She was a lovely, very gentle person, a couple of years older than me, and had been going out with a fellow that had a little boy, he was co-parenting.

He sounded like a very nice guy and they were happy, she liked the little boy, but didn't mention him much.

She comes into work one monday morning and tells me she had finished with him.

Turns out she had gone to his place for the weekend and the little boy happens to be there too, unexpectedly.

Comes the Saturday evening and he tells her that he is nipping out for a couple pints with a fellow he knows is back for the night, and is leaving her to babysit his son....

Is he fxxk😂 is her reaction...she tells him in no uncertain terms that she is not his last minute babysitter, without so much as a bye or leave, the courtesy of running it by her🤨

She was so quiet and sweet.

Boy, was I seriously impressed with her boundaries.

She left his house that night and despite his appeals and apologies, she wouldn't go out with him again.

She said she wasn't prepared to be involved any longer with someone who obviously had so little respect for her.

Remembering her now, I'm again impressed with her boundaries, this was 30 years ago.

To her mind, rightly, he was a CF to think he could assume she would just babysit without specifically asking her.

I have two daughter's.....I would be so thrilled to have helped instilled such a sense of self worth and boundaries in them.

Apologies for the ramble🙏

JingsMahBucket · 26/04/2020 18:28

@billy1966 not a ramble at all. Thank you for sharing that story. It gave me a good punch of energy and it’s great re,under to all to respect your boundaries.

Gil55 · 26/04/2020 18:41

You're being a sap. Ex wife must think she's won the lottery. Wise up and let her look after her own kids

CamembertIt · 26/04/2020 18:57

Sorry, this is absolute rubbish. We all know that you cannot send children to a friend or have a friend visit for childcare. The OP is part of the HOUSEHOLD and the children can be cared for safely at home in their household. Therefore they should absolutely not attend school. However, her partner needs to step up!! The childcare responsibility is on members of the household not on the teachers at their school unless genuinely unavoidable because the children cannot be safely looked after at home.

FancyPants20 · 26/04/2020 19:02

@billy1966 That's a great story, thanks for sharing it. We should all be more like your colleague, it's true.

CheshireChat · 26/04/2020 19:03

Gil55 it sounds like she's looking after them at least as much as their dad is, perhaps more if she's actually parenting them and not leaving it to the poor OP.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 26/04/2020 19:04

Sorry - well, if it's your choice that they don't go to school (and I don't know why it's your choice?)

Where has she said it's her choice whether they go to school or not? Where on earth are you getting that from? Confused

What was said was she'd rather them try to come to another arrangement first (wouldn't anyone?). And she also specifically said it's not up to her if the kids go to school or not.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 26/04/2020 19:06

childcare responsibility is on members of the household

No. It's on parents.

CallmeAngelina · 26/04/2020 19:08

Oh, and this is off-topic, I know, but if their mum has them overnight, does that mean your dh is paying full maintenance for them? Even though you're copping for all the free childcare during the day?

Randomword6 · 26/04/2020 19:09

YANBU

Isleepinahedgefund · 26/04/2020 19:13

Overall in the current situation you kind of are the best option for childcare.

HOWEVER: what sticks out to me is that you were expected to do this when you were wfh too - that’s why you need to raise it as an issue. WFH and dealing with kids is incredibly hard, and when there are other options I don’t think they should have expected to take that on.

Andylion · 26/04/2020 19:45

OP, you say you are trying to get them to go for walks. If your DH works around the corner he can come home at lunch, feed them, and take them out. But I also agree with the pp who said that their mum should be doing more on the weekends.

Also, at that age, surely they can be left for an hour while you go out alone for a walk? And at that age, they should be helping with housework.

AhNowTed · 26/04/2020 19:58

The only person being inconvenienced here is you.

Zero impact on the DH and ex.

Time to set some boundaries.

Rottnest · 26/04/2020 20:10

@Billy1966 What an excellent post, with a good outcome.

OP you need to step up and express yourself, there is no way I would let myself be used as a free nanny in your situation, by both the natural parents.

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