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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH has crossed a line

255 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 25/04/2020 21:47

DH has been having a mid life crisis, for want of a better way to describe it, for nearly 2 years now. We’ve been together for 10 years and have 2 kids. He helps in the house, pulls his weight (mostly, when not working his v long hours) with the kids and makes me laugh like a drain. But he’s been struggling and it’s a bit like living with a dementor - he can’t see the joy in life at all, everything is difficult or awful or sighworthy. Nothing is positive or funny and he’s a complete workaholic- he’s talk about work til midnight most nights if I let him.

Our eldest has some challenges. Tonight she has played up. He ended up coming in and telling her that not only would he need to call the police because of her behaviour but that he wished we’d never had the children. He’s so dramatic about everything and can’t see that this is really unhelpful.

Last week he told me that he wished he was dead because the children were playing up so much.

I’ve begged him to go to counselling.

He won’t.

I’m slowly losing all respect for him. He huffs and puffs and it’s like having a third child. I’m constantly having to be super positive to offset his negativity.

The irony is we’ve had the nicest day we’ve had in ages.

The other day I actually found myself imagining what it would be like to be divorced. There’s got to be more to life than this. Not that it’s something I want, and the children would be devastated. But these small things keep happening and I can’t forget them. It’s building and I don’t know what to do, except repeat once again that it’s not acceptable. But I’m not his mother or his therapist.

AIBU to think he needs to get himself under control and stop saying things like that in front of the children?

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 26/04/2020 14:17

He said he doesn’t want a divorce and he loves us all. I said it’s time he starts showing it.
Great news. I’m sure he’ll be onto the GP first thing tomorrow. And will be googling counselling in the area?.. It really is a simple action that he needs to take to change the course of the relationship.

But I would suggest that he won’t.
He’ll be nice for a few weeks. Extra attentive it will gradually tail off, and he will be be back to the cruel behaviour. Then he will start being nice again. Can you look back at previous events and see if this had happened.

Op you are in charge of what action you take and how you protect your children

timeisnotaline · 26/04/2020 14:45

He won’t go to gp or counsellor? So much for love. I can’t imagine this trying hard with the girls will last if he can’t do these two things. I’d make the solicitors appointment and tell him you were perfectly clear.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 26/04/2020 14:48

OP- I would just say that the way to tell if someone is genuine or not is if their words match their actions. Its a fool proof test.
Words are easy to spout but backing them up with action is the only true test of sincerity and meaning what you say.

If he really and truly means it, he would take action and that involves seeking help. If he is unwilling to seek help to change then I'm really sorry, but his words mean absolutely nothing and you are essentially just shouting into the abyss here.

Use this test- observe what he does.

midwestsummer · 26/04/2020 14:56

Is there any evidence he can change without outside support?
He hasn't been able to do so up to now.
What are his plans to change his behavior if he isn't seeking external help?
What actions does he plan on undertaking to ensure his behavior changes?
How are you going to be able know that he is undertaking these actions?
Significant changes to behavior don't just happen they have to be worked at, what does his work plan look like?
Get him to sit down and write one out.

FallonSwift · 26/04/2020 14:56

if he doesn't want a divorce, there's nothing for him to think about. He has to do, not think

This.

It's not up to him whether you decide to file for divorce or not. It's quite simple; either he sorts himself out or you will leave him. He needs to SHOW that he is going to do the work and change.

If he says he doesn't need the help of a GP and a counsellor to change his behaviours and that he will just turn over a new leaf and stop doing it, then my response to him would be as follows:

  1. It means that he was always in control of how he behaved and spoke to the children. Which means that he made a deliberate choice to bully and belittle them.
  2. You have to have something very seriously wrong with you to want to hurt your own children by bullying them. You certainly cannot love them and care for them because if you did, you'd never behave like that.
  3. He could be the world's best Dad from this point onward but I would still never be able to forgive him for choosing to verbally abuse his own children for two years just because he could.
  4. Based on 1, 2 and 3 above, I'm filing for divorce because never in a million years would I want to remain married to a man that would be so intentionally cruel to inflict God only knows what damage to his children, just because he could.
Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/04/2020 15:08

51

I think I’ve scared him.

I stick to my decisions. He knows that.

OP posts:
Heygirlheyboy · 26/04/2020 15:12

He's in denial wrt how big this is and probably thinks he can deal with this himself (imo) but time will tell..

NinaNeedsToGo · 26/04/2020 15:16

He needs to seek help! I call such people 'energy vampires'. Before you know, you will be deep down with him in his world of misery. I had a friend like that for years and she dragged my own mood down to the point that I became depressed myself. This is how depressions starts but if it continues and gets worse, one day he won't get up to do his good job.

Another thing, depression is often the result of serious mineral, vitamin and hormone imbalances. It could be thyroid problems, lack of vit D or B9/12 or iron.

RedDogsBeg · 26/04/2020 15:32

At the risk of labouring the point StuckInPolyannaMode, this from your opening post:

He ended up coming in and telling her that not only would he need to call the police because of her behaviour but that he wished we’d never had the children.

One, instilling a fear of the Police within a child is horrendous, it has knock on effects throughout their lives stopping them access Police help when they should.

Two, imagine being your child and hearing that your father didn't want you? How soul destroying, it's abhorrent. At my age if one of my parents said this to or about me I would at least have the capacity to judge if it was a joke, part of a light-hearted conversation, or was meant in earnest and I also have the tools to deal with it in whichever form it was meant, as a child not a chance. It's going to take a lot more than lego and bike rides to wipe out what he has said and done.

I totally agree with what FallonSwift said above, think about it OP.

FallonSwift · 26/04/2020 15:38

I think I’ve scared him.

I would prefer that he be mortified, remorseful, and begging for another chance and willing to do whatever it takes - any amount of GP visits and counselling - to put things right with his children.

As it stands I have to question whether he's scared of the damage he's done to his children. Or if he's actually scared that he might end up divorced because that would make him look like a bad person and people might find out the reasons why...

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/04/2020 15:45

The irony is that a very good friend of mine whom the children adore is in the police. I might talk to them.

He’s cooking dinner.

I’m absolutely not minimising at all. I just need a bit of time and space to think - the one thing I’m not getting at all during lockdown. I really appreciate the advice I’m getting here.

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 26/04/2020 15:48

Take your time OP but please, stand firm.

CheddarGorgeous · 26/04/2020 15:48

Take your time OP but please, stand firm.

Pertella · 26/04/2020 15:52

I stick to my decisions. He knows that.

But you havent though...

FallonSwift · 26/04/2020 16:05

The irony is that a very good friend of mine whom the children adore is in the police. I might talk to them.

Take advice if you feel it would help you. But you don't need someone else's blessing to leave your marriage if you think it's the right thing to do. I'm not suggesting that you are consciously seeking permission, but psychological abuse can be very insidious. For those on the receiving/witnessing end, they can often find it difficult to decide whether it is 'bad enough' to warrant leaving because it's not a black eye or a broken bone.

Only you know what it's like. Only you know what he says and does and how the children react to it and how it affects them. Therefore if you decide that it's enough, then it's enough.

Healthyandhappy · 26/04/2020 16:08

Gosh he is prob resentful he waited so long to have children as his friends and colleagues prob have adult children and nice holidays no young kids so he is resentful and having a crisis. Leave him to it and ask him to sod of tbh hes old and turning into a miserable old man. How old r you? X

RedDogsBeg · 26/04/2020 16:12

You keep listing what he is doing, StuckInPolyannaMode - cleaning the bathroom, lego, bike rides, cooking dinner - why? What are you trying to convince us, or you, of?

That he's a god person really - look he does housework and cooking, those deeds are standard surely, nothing special, just part and parcel of family life, not especially praiseworthy.

Or, are you thinking what I am thinking that this is pure manipulation on his part, avoiding the real issue but soft soaping you into believing what a wonderful person he really is?

FallonSwift · 26/04/2020 16:15

Gosh he is prob resentful he waited so long to have children as his friends and colleagues prob have adult children and nice holidays no young kids so he is resentful and having a crisis. Leave him to it and ask him to sod of tbh hes old and turning into a miserable old man. How old r you?

I know plenty of older parents who don't behave like the OP's husband. And if he is having 'a crisis' then isn't it funny that it only manifests itself at home towards his children - who are conveniently smaller, younger and dependent on him - rather than towards his work colleagues? What difference does the OP's age make to the fact that her husband is an unpleasant bully?

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/04/2020 16:18

@RedDogsBeg I think he’s trying to prove something. I don’t know why I’m noting it down here, sorry. But as another poster said earlier, doing things is the way he shows love.

I’m not saying that all marriages are good all the time, and heaven knows I’m not perfect, but I’d rather he changed than divorce.

If he doesn’t change then you’re all right, what he does says more than what he says.

I’m so sad. And tired.

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/04/2020 16:20

I’m 43, whoever asked how old I am.

I’ve not said to him that he’s a bully, I’m holding that back to use at the right time. and if anything I’m the stronger personality of the pair of us. He’s quiet and reflective whereas I’m quite loud and gregarious and love a social whirl, not at the moment obviously!

OP posts:
FallonSwift · 26/04/2020 16:25

He’s quiet and reflective

Well then he should know fine well that what he's doing is unacceptable.

I get what you are saying about love languages. My DH is not particularly romantic or physically demonstrative. His love language is to defrost my car when I have an early start and am in the shower getting ready to go out.

But there is a difference between love language (saying vs. doing) and being verbally abusive towards your own children. It's not even as if he is saying small things (e.g. you are irritating me, go away). To tell a child that you wish they had never been born is one of the worst things you can say to them - it says that you don't love them, don't care about them and literally wish that they did not exist.

Ellie56 · 26/04/2020 16:35

Agree with Fallon. I don't think I could come back from those cruel comments he made to the innocent defenceless children he's supposed to love, cherish and protect. Poor little girls. Sad

browzingss · 26/04/2020 16:37

The real test of his words will be his actions the next time one of your children are a bit naughty/boisterous etc

RedDogsBeg · 26/04/2020 16:52

@StuckInPollyannaMode, I wasn't criticising you for noting down what he is doing and I am sorry if it came across that way. I was just curious as to what your perception of his doing things was.

Trouble is 'doing things' won't erase what your children heard and how they feel about it, it's a on a par with "but we took you to Stately Homes".

He won't change unless he truly sees the way he has behaved for the horror it is, accepts it, faces up to it and wants to be different. You can't change another person, it's pointless trying.

lowlandLucky · 26/04/2020 16:53

OP Take your time BrewCakeFlowers