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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Some people enjoy patronising and depressing others

999 replies

Esprohuy · 25/04/2020 13:11

Clearly everyone is having a different experience of the current situation. It seems to me from the posts here and elsewhere that MN is full of people searching for threads from people either asking genuinely when others think the restrictions may be reduced, or people expressing mental or emotional.distress due to being locked away, sometimes alone. The pattern is the OP posts, there are a couple of sympathetic/in the case of lockdown speculation dovish opinions then the Depressor swoops, usually with a formulation along the lines of:
If you think these restrictions will be lifted anytime soon you are a naïve fool. Christmas will be cancelled and things will never fully return to normal

In the threads expressing mental distress their standard formulation is a variety of:
FFS pull yourselves together. It's been (insert number) weeks, how the F do you think people coped in the war the. All you are being asked to do is stay in and watch Netflix

There seems to be a remarkably large number of people among this cohort who claim grandparental involvement in WW1/2 and have a partner/sibling serving as a front line NHS worker. These depressors seem to scour MN looking to pounce on people expressing povs like the above.

OP posts:
PotholeParadise · 01/05/2020 18:40

It's bothering me how some people are so unpleasant about very elderly people not shielding 'properly'. Everyone I know who is supposed to shield, is shielding with the commitment and determination of a Roman legionary, but they all have between 15-50 years of expected life left. If they were very much older, I am certain one particular relative would pragmatically weigh up the odds that they might not see the end of lockdown and die, having spent 12 weeks without friends and family. If that were the case, it would never be my place to harangue her for not feeling able to cope with that.

Fortunately for us, none of my family are facing choices like that, but other people are and they don't need to be harangued anyone either.

Orangeblossom78 · 01/05/2020 18:41

It's kind of weird on a way considering most of the Covid deaths are elderly men...often obese and in poor health ...don't see the same level of concern for e.g. prostate cancer or lung cancer for example do we..

Russellbrandshair · 01/05/2020 18:45

@orangeblossom78

Good point. It’s weird isn’t it?

DianneWhatcock · 01/05/2020 18:57

They also don't like it that many die with the virus and have underlying conditions. That really upsets them

Yes @Orangeblossom78 deffo

Orangeblossom78 · 01/05/2020 19:06

Yes the over 70s get told off don't they to stay in etc. and we 'shouldn't feel sorry for them' either.

Orangeblossom78 · 01/05/2020 19:11

Oh and if you compare it to flu / pneumonia they don't like that either. At all.

Russellbrandshair · 01/05/2020 19:18

It IS allowed and actively encouraged to compare it to Ebola though. Greatly increases the fear of it

sonjadog · 01/05/2020 19:39

People are comparing it to ebola?? It is nothing like ebola.

Russellbrandshair · 01/05/2020 19:47

People are comparing it to ebola?? It is nothing like ebola

Yes- I’ve seen a few posts comparing the death rates of both, obviously trying to imply covid is JUST as scary as Ebola.

FilthyforFirth · 01/05/2020 19:53

Yes it is why I was very specific in saying in my post 'dying with' the virus.

I am really sick of nothing else mattering. On the 'will you stick to the lockdown if extended' thread, it was so depressing to see posters, including myself, villified for their very legitimate reasons as to why lockdown for them couldnt carry on in this format.

They will really hate me, because as of next week we will be sending DS to my youngish parents for a few days. I dont want to break the rules but if they dont change I will need to bend then slightly..

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/05/2020 20:27

I'm meeting my parents with DS for a walk this weekend (staying 2m apart). I haven't seen them in 6 weeks. That will rile up the Dementors.

My mum suggested it and she is a frontline NHS worker.

Drivingdownthe101 · 01/05/2020 20:34

It’s my mums 60th birthday on Sunday. She lives alone. We’re taking round presents, balloons and a cake and are going to sit 5m from her doorstep while she opens her presents.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 01/05/2020 20:42

I said to my Uncle today that if this carries on for much longer I'm going to drive over to see him and talk to him from a distance. He said that if it carries on much longer we'll have to do something! It's not an essential journey and no doubt the dementors will say I should get on with it but I make no apologies for wanting to see him.

TazSyd · 01/05/2020 21:06

We dropped off flowers and chocolates for my mum last week. She lives alone so it was to cheer her up. We put the presents inside the gate, stayed and chatted from a good 4 metres away. She came and picked them up after we had gone. She also washed her hands carefully after handling them.

The lockdown does appear to be fraying round the edges.

Orangeblossom78 · 01/05/2020 21:26

The odd thing is that women are the most adversely impacted by this lockdown in so many ways but we can't even talk about it due to these people:

Cancer esp breast cancer treatment stopped
Smear tests stopped
Abortion services in a mess
Impact on women giving birth / partners not present for example
Women pushed into childcare / most often in lower paid work

Where all along 70% of the serious cases of the virus are in men...

But if you started mentioning the former things you would have a dementer coming in telling you off. It prevents any sensible discussion.

Orangeblossom78 · 01/05/2020 21:30

Women and the young are hit hardest by economic shutdown
www.thetimes.co.uk/article/women-and-the-young-are-hit-hardest-by-economic-shutdown-due-to-coronavirus-xztz588mv

Women are the losers when life’s in lockdown
Men regain jobs and status quickest after wars and epidemics while their partners are often nudged out of the workplace
www.thetimes.co.uk/article/women-are-the-losers-when-lifes-in-lockdown-9grrkv7wd

In many ways the virus has shown working mothers performing brilliantly during this crisis. Some of the countries coping best with Covid-19 — New Zealand, Finland, Denmark, Iceland and Norway among them — are led by mothers, often with very young children. Sarah Gilbert, professor of vaccinology at Oxford University, has adult triplets. Emma Walmsley, the chief executive of Glaxosmithkline, is running the pharmaceutical giant with four children at home.

Clearly women are working highly effectively at the top of their game but when couples divide the chores in lockdown with no access to nurseries or extended family childcare, mothers often lose out. They tend to work part-time, in lower paid jobs, often in retail, hospitality, charities or teaching, or are self-employed, so their financial contributions appear to be less significant and they may be likely to be made redundant or furloughed.

In Malaysia, there was an outcry after the government told women to stop nagging their husbands during the lockdown and keep cleaning. But there seems to have been a quiet acceptance that women around the globe will still do most of the domestic heavy lifting.

In the aftermath of a succession of epidemics — Sars, swine flu, ebola in 2014, zika in 2015 — women found it harder to resume their lives than men. Julia Smith, a health policy researcher at Simon Fraser University in Canada, explained that after ebola “men’s income returned to what they had made pre-outbreak faster than women’s income”, as women reverted to caring roles. Clare Wenham, an assistant professor of global health policy at the London School of Economics, said: “It’s not just about social norms of women performing care roles; it’s also about practicalities. Who is paid less? Who has the flexibility?”

In the 16th century, after waves of plague, women were chided by their husbands to “keep your house fair and clean”. In the 1920s, after the Great War and Spanish flu, women felt liberated; they raised their hemlines, cut their hair, and started smoking and driving. After the Second World War, it went the other way, with women feeling constrained and judged. When this pandemic ebbs, we must ensure that everyone appreciates that housework and childcare are best shared and women don’t feel pressurised into staying close to home for the next decade.

Noti23 · 01/05/2020 22:10

My dad died recently of coronavirus (age 58) and I take it very seriously and started socially distancing from when point the government asked, before law (the 17th March). Nevertheless, I can’t keep going during this lockdown much longer and I hope it will end soon. I live in a small house with a toddler and we’re out of space and patience. I can completely empathise with people who are now considering breaking the rules slightly for their sanity (aka single parents sending children to grandparents within local area). I don’t think lockdown is a universal experience and it’s horrible.

Alsohuman · 01/05/2020 22:20

The lack of dementor activity on the thread by someone who wants to visit her dying parents is astonishing. So far every reply has told her to go. There seems to be a sudden influx of humanity, compassion and common sense.

Mikki2019 · 01/05/2020 22:23

I think many people who want to lockdown prob aren’t in the best of physical health prob - lifestyle wise. So at higher risk due to obesity / lack of exercise?

Mikki2019 · 01/05/2020 22:24

@Noti23 I’m so sorry for your loss xx

Esprohuy · 01/05/2020 23:24

The Irish PM Varadkar today announced that over 70s could go out for exercise from Tuesday in Ireland. I do think this was partially down to voices raised in protest by or on behalf of those who were beginning to suffer the most from isolation. Being allowed and being compulsory aren't the same but maybe the Irish Dementors are now going mad speculating about hordes of over 70s breakdancing through Dublin

OP posts:
Chockablok · 01/05/2020 23:45

The lack of dementor activity on the thread by someone who wants to visit her dying parents is astonishing. So far every reply has told her to go. There seems to be a sudden influx of humanity, compassion and common sense.

I was actually thinking this!

Then I noticed the thread of the keyworker single mum who relies on family childcare (like most working class people, tbh) worried about finding the £250 the school wants for childcare.

What exactly made you think this would be free?

Ehh why shouldn't you pay for childcare? Welcome to the real world!

Jealousy? An easy target to patronise?

I don't get it. Whether she should pay or not pay is besides the point, it's the way all practically jizz over an opportunity to kick someone when they're down.

If I was working out of the home right now I'd be absolutely fucked. I rely on about 5 different people in my family for childcare (and they rely on me to help with their kids too!)

Do we want the nurses and carers working, or don't we?

AnxiousElephant77 · 01/05/2020 23:51

I'm only halfway through this thread but I'm so glad I found it. The dementors are ruining my life. I swear to God. As someone with a much awaited wedding on 27th December all I hear is THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT POSTPONING UNTIL 2040.

GoldenOmber · 02/05/2020 00:04

One thing I’ve noticed, and not just here, is dementors who got things wrong earlier but are still dementing away.

You’d think if you spent weeks telling everyone “the NHS will be overwhelmed and people will die in corridors and nobody over 43 will get a ventilator and it’ll make those hospitals in northern Italy look like a picnic” and then that didn’t happen it might make you reconsider your gloom forecasts elsewhere. But nope!

trappedsincesundaymorn · 02/05/2020 00:23

This taken from the contact tracing is absolute gold.

"It's in the national interest for you to buy a smartphone. Do you actually want old ladies to die"