AIBU to ask if anyone regrets 'choosing' to have children later on in life?

[Sunshineonacloudyday20]

Posting this on the back of another thread whereby the op asked how people became successful in life.. I note quite a few posters explained that they waited later in life to have children and it resonated with myself.

I put 'choosing' because I realise life is NOT straight forward and it really is not always a choice or sadly possible for some.

I am currently 29 with a long term partner and we are currently living in a small 1 flat desperate to buy a house with 3 bedrooms so we can eventually start a family. My partner is a few years younger than me and currently still working his way up the career ladder and completing qualifications. We are engaged and would like to get married in the next few years - realistically we wont be 'ready' to ttc for a good few years (i would be 33/34) but I do worry that I may be leaving it too late especially as we would like 2 dcs. (Possble fertility issues, energy etc) Catch 22.

Would like to hear from you all and share your thoughts/experiences!

I don't regret it.

I didn't know my arse from my elbow until I was about 38. Bringing a child into the world any earlier would have been a nightmare.

This is obviously a very personal decision and everyone will have different circumstances but some things to bear in mind if you have children that bit later 1) Your own parents will be older and if you are fortunate to have parents to want to help you out, they might be tired often, or retired and wanting to do their own thing 2) You will be dealing with teenagers when you are hitting the menopause. Stress during the menopause is one of the biggest causes of middle age spread 3) Unless you are wealthy enough to buy your kids a house or they get wealthy or lucky when they are young, it is possible that you might drop dead with kids still living at home. Aside from that it's been a blast!

@limpbizkit 34 is 'young' in London. i read a stat once that the average age of a mother in kensington and chelsea is 37 which is not surprising given the cost of property. But the stats are skewed. Its not that its normal/young to have a first child at 34/35, its that the people who make it a priority to be young mothers are often forced to move out of london in search of cheaper property. This leave the people who want to stay in London and they often have to wait. Many would become mothers but many also have infertility problems. Also I think with many of these richer people who wait till late 30s you dont know how many of them had IVF. Not saying the mumsnetters who had children late had IVF

Tbh I think it’s really hard to know. I’ve found it physically and mentally absolutely exhausting having a child (2 years on he doesn’t sleep much) and my life and relationship has changed massively. So I’m glad I didn’t wait longer because I would have struggled even more if I had been older and less fit, but at the same time I’m glad I didn’t do it in my 20s and miss out on all the amazing and selfish fun I had with my friends and husband, not to mention the career I established. It’s hard to get the balance right and there are unknowns.

FWIW I had recurrent miscarriages but was lucky to conceive quickly so had 4 pregnancies, the 4th of which resulted in my son, within 8 months. It wasn’t a smooth ride and I had a condition that means I would have had exactly the same experience if I’d tried in my 20s - it wasn’t age related - but I guess if I’d been older it might have taken me longer to hit the magic 3 miscarriages that entitles you to treatment/further investigation under the NHS (though I went private in the end).

I had DS at 33, DD1 at 36 and DD2 at 37. I wasn't ready to have them earlier, and it wouldn't have been the right time for me. 30's is definitely not too old/late to be having them.

I don't know. I had my first at 35 and last at 40. I met my future husband when I was 23 and wasted all that time with a succession of idiots. So my father never really knew my kids or got to be part of their lives before he died, and I do regret that. But I'd have had no money and no career and I was an idiot when younger.

Really think it through.

My sister had her two children late twenties, had no trouble whatsoever conceiving and carrying.

I waited 4 years longer. I was 31 having my first, DH a year younger. That pregnancy was straightforward, although it took me longer to conceive than my sister had.

I then had 3 miscarriages all at 10-12 weeks. Then fell preg with DD, and had placental insufficiency/IUGR.

I noticed that among friends trying for a second in mid thirties, there are a LOT more miscarriages, it takes longer to conceive, and there are more complicated pregnancies too.

I don't think it's a coincidence. We waited for financial reasons and it's a big regret, I'm lucky things are ok for us now but the three miscarriages was a year of hell.

I had my one and only dc at 28 with ivf. I feel lucky that dh and I started trying as soon as we were married (25) as when it didn't happen naturally I was able to have tests etc that quickly determined what was wrong. Fast forward 7 years at aged 35 dh and I were considering ivf again and when I had tests done they found that my egg reserve was so low that they wouldn't even recommend ivf, so we put that to bed and are now happy and content with 1.

If I'd waited until I was 35 I wouldn't have any dc. My fertility issue at 28 was unrelated to my egg reserves, which was extremely good when I was 28. If you are in a position to have them earlier then I would.

@foodandwine89 I agree. Also you have to think by the time your child gets to 20 how old will you be?. You can’t go on a wim because some have conceived later on in life that you have time.

Met DH when we were 20, married at 25, everyone assumed we'd have kids straight away as had mortgage, professional jobs but didn't consider it until friends suddenly started having them early 30's and our social life changed. I would have waited longer, but didn't want to be left behind by our friendship group given there were no practical constraints on us having kids then.

I got pregnant first month with both my two, DD at 33, DS at 36.

My mum was 37 when she had me and it didn't impact on my childhood but does mean they are not energetic grandparents, in their mid 70's now with health issues. Mil had DH at 21 so she does the adventurous stuff with them instead.

It definitely isn't straight forward! To answer some of your questions..

• We do already have the deposit thankfully to buy a small 3 bed house in our desired area, unfortunately there is naturally going to be a delay with this process, because of the current pandemic and the market (we have found) in our area has generally been pretty slow.. it has been frustrating to say the least!

If I am completely honest I don't think either of us are ready just yet to start a family for several reasons, including partners desire to complete qualifications and build on his career and wanting to experience some traveling (2 weeks at a time!) before TTC. We have been really saving hard over the past few years and haven't been abroad for 5 years, this has enabled us to contribute more to the house deposit pot but I would love to explore outside of the UK before starting a family. I am fortunate that I have built up my career and I have a professional qualification, I would receive a good maternity package. My partner (being younger) is still trying to secure a permanent position and is currently working in local government on a temporary 12 month contract. We hope eventually this will be made permanent but there is no guarantee.

Having said all of that, in all honesty we both would be devastated if we could not have children, we have always said from the start that we have wanted a family and being with a younger partner it was always agreed that it is likely that he may be a younger father compared to his peers. (albeit if we TTC in 3/4 years he would be nearly 30 so not a toddler himself) It does play at the back of my mind and I don't think it is necessarily straight forward. The majority of my friends have not had children, perhaps it is now a lot more common than I realised for women to have children older! Even if I conceived ok at 32/33/34 I still need to consider at what age I would be if I am lucky enough to conceive DC 2 and the considerations that everybody has rightly brought up such as age of parents, energy levels, fertility etc

I think having a fertility check is a great idea! I hadn't actually thought of that before. I have regular periods, I am generally fit and healthy and not overweight but of course know that these aren't always indicators of fertility and many fit and healthy women struggle to conceive.

Thank you so much for all your comments/ experiences so far.. it has been a very interesting and educational read!

I got married at 39 and pregnant at 40. Didn't meet my DH until I was 36 - life doesn't always work out how one would design it on paper. You sound like your timings are absolutely ideal!

I had them roughly mid 30's. Just as you have said, sometimes it's not a choice. I would have liked to have them earlier but I was not in a relationship to do this. I am now late 40's and so tired and feel unhealthy all the time, with two kids who still need a lot of help. When my Mum was my age, I'd left for Uni !! 33 isn't really that old these days to have a child. But yes, personally, I wish I'd met the right person and done it in my late 20's - for health and energy reasons.

I had mine at 35, 37, 38. By that time I had career that I knew would enable me to house and feed myself and the children should my DH go under a bus. I'm glad I had them later.

I had mine at 32 ( started ttc at 28) and then 39 (cancer treatment delayed second by 3yrs). My concerns were would I actually be able to conceive, and with the much higher risk of disability would I be able to cope. You need to seriously take into account the basic biology of it all when making your choice and quite frankly so does your partner. We got very lucky with dc2 . I have friends who've been fine at the same age as I was , and others who haven't been able to conceive. Yes you can have problems at any age as I did, but the problems increase exponentially as you age. Financial stability is great but it's not the be all and end all.

Your partner should have a fertility check as well.

Fertility check is a great idea, although be warned it can very suddenly decline - everything was fine and normal for me till I turned 34, then my AMH went through the floor very suddenly Luckily we'd already had DS (through IVF).

Make sure he has a fertility check. Does he have siblings? Do they have children?!

@Sunshineonacloudyday20

He has a sister who has 2 children! (Although she had children in her early 20s!)

That's good, did she have any problems?! I assume she's not in her early 20s now!

Fertility can be linked to siblings.

Our parents certainly mine think that having them mid 30s is considered older as they had them in their mid 20s and tbh we do have to consider normally after 30 fertility issues start to occur. I think having the option to freeze embryos is a very good idea if you feel it could be past 33. I had min at 34 and prior to that I felt like an athlete I had that much energy then I had my daughter who threw us an abs curve ball her energy is crazy, she's spirited and never stops, totally the opposite to us. She is 2.5 and im now 37 and feel so knackered! I can't believe the effect it's had on my enegry and I've aged so much, I honestly think had she been an easier baby i would not have felt as I have but life certainly threw us a huge curve ball. Now I'm 37 always wanted another and I spent every day deliberating if I could cope with another as some days I feel like my hormones are all over, she was a terrible sleeper it was hell but they say no 2 are ever the same. Also if you're ok contraction it can take at least 1-1.5 yrs for that to wear off please don't forget that! I came off at 31.5 and it took me 18 mths to get pregnant I hate that it took that long had hoped to be pregnant at 32-32.5 but was late 33 - just wish I'd come off it at 30 prob would have had her at 32 just could have made that bit more difference on the energy front. X x

I had my last one at 40 and it was way too late for us both but that said I didn’t have a choice. Contraceptive failure that I didn’t know had failed until I was halfway through the pregnancy.

However I had other children in my 30’s and no way did that feel too late. I agree with PP about getting married first though.

We have 3dcs, last one at 32. We both have degrees, masters, own our house and got married pre DC's. We are just turned 37 and getting life back a bit and all our friends are TTC or having their first. Each to their own. We are happy to have the early days over as we didn't sleep for 8 years!!

@itscomplicatedlife I have 3 dc who sound a lot like your lo especially as toddlers. They are now older and hugely sporty, my DH and I have never been fitter. It can be a positive when they are older so hang in there!! I did lengths of the pool with my older two yesterday. But when toddlers it was v v v hard work..