AIBU to ask if anyone regrets 'choosing' to have children later on in life?

[Sunshineonacloudyday20]

Posting this on the back of another thread whereby the op asked how people became successful in life.. I note quite a few posters explained that they waited later in life to have children and it resonated with myself.

I put 'choosing' because I realise life is NOT straight forward and it really is not always a choice or sadly possible for some.

I am currently 29 with a long term partner and we are currently living in a small 1 flat desperate to buy a house with 3 bedrooms so we can eventually start a family. My partner is a few years younger than me and currently still working his way up the career ladder and completing qualifications. We are engaged and would like to get married in the next few years - realistically we wont be 'ready' to ttc for a good few years (i would be 33/34) but I do worry that I may be leaving it too late especially as we would like 2 dcs. (Possble fertility issues, energy etc) Catch 22.

Would like to hear from you all and share your thoughts/experiences!

I had DS at 28 and am pregnant with number 2, will be 30 when he/she is born. But I was married, owned our home, financially comfortable, had travelled extensively and felt ready. You've had lots of good advice here - one thing I have found which you may want to consider. My parents (my mum specifically) have been absolutely invaluable in enabling me to go back to work. Having DS has had minimal impact on my career and I've also had a great parenting experience working flexibly and down to 4 days a week. There's no way I would have been able to do that if I couldn't have left DS with my mum (mid 50s) as I wouldn't have been willing to leave him in nursery as early as I was willing to leave him with her. She's young and healthy but it can still be exhausting for her, I don't think in 5 years' time I would have had this option.

I under estimated the recovery that would be necessary after giving birth. I had an emergency c section, much less support than I expected and a child that didn’t sleep or feed well. I was on the verge of a mental and physical breakdown for about two years. I expected to have maybe a 2-3 year gap between babies, but realistically it would take more like 4-5 years to recover. So my “first baby at 37, second at 39” strategy didn’t work out. By the time I recovered from DC1 it was too late to have DC2.

tied not tired

@AnnaC2020

No, not amazing. Really fucking sad.

You are wishing your life away and dismissing your child as an interruption in your plans. It's obvious that you wish you were travelling now, instead of being pregnant, and tied down for the next 20 odd years.

Visiting Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Thailand, the Philippines, then going further afield to Bali, Australia, New Zealand, the Cook Islands, possibly touring South America ...as a wealthy middle-aged woman will never be the same as travelling in your 20's.

Sorry.

You can barely have a career yet if you’re 20, @AnnaC2020, and you don’t yet have a child either. You have no idea how either of those is going to turn out over the next two decades.

Getting your kicks at 20 from feverishly imagining your 40s ‘at the top of your career’ while travelling luxuriously around the world with your adult child launched and self-sufficient is wishing your life away for a future that may happen as you envisage it.

May NOT happen.

You also need to think about the age of your parents. You’ll very quickly realise that they are the gatekeepers to your ability to have a normal life after children. If they can babysit for nights out and weekends away your life will be infinitely easier. I waited too long - my parents are too old to babysit - and my life is basically over, I never go out because I have no babysitter.

II don't how true that is @ezira as lots of gps are capable but not interested or live far away. Plus you can outsource childcare.

My mum is hands on & has my youngest 1 day a week so I rarely ask her to babysit but we go out loads

Plus I go out or on holiday with friends & leave DH to babysit

@MagnoliaJustice nope just one of the amazing benefits of having a child young! I could wish for nothing other than to have my baby right now. After a septic pregnancy and 2 miscarriages along with many other health issues, I was booked in to be referred for a hysterectomy when I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. I’m now scheduled in for one after he’s here. I can’t wait to use these next years to raise my baby, grind hard to finish university, climb the career ladder so by the time my child is 10 we’ll be in a great place. My partners business is set to turnover £1m in 2020 and is rapidly increasing!

Why would I wish to be travelling now? I’m 20 years old and have already been to plenty of places with my partner and can’t wait to do all the fun family things, then to be 38+ and able to do all the things I could do in my 20s but with more security. Couldn’t think of anything worse than sleeping in hostels and jumping the Interrail right now - I’m glad I’ve bought a houe

I don't regret having them later on in life at all.

I didn't meet my husband until I was 39. I had my kids at 41 and 43. Of course you never know until you start trying how your fertility is; two friends who had difficulty conceiving started trying in their late 20s. Bit bar any issues it make sense to wait the few years you are talking about.

I do. I was 34 when I had my first and couldn’t get pregnant again. Could’ve been unrelated to my age but I’ll always wonder

I do and I don’t.

It was the perfect time for us (33 with 1st, 43 with 2nd)

But in 10 years, I will be 60, my child will be 17, in 20 years I will be 70, my child will only be 27.

Will I be old and ill? Will I ever meet grandchildren? Will I be a burden on my kids?

I grieve for their future and me not being a part of it.

Meant to say house! :S
@Hayfevered ... read above 🤣 if my future doesn’t happened the way I envisaged it then who cares! It’s good to actually have goals and aspirations in life but is also good to understand they don’t always go to plan my mum had me in her twenties as did her mum, and I’m glad as my gran will now be a great-gran and is young enough to spend time with us :)

* Visiting Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Thailand, the Philippines, then going further afield to Bali, Australia, New Zealand, the Cook Islands, possibly touring South America ...as a wealthy middle-aged woman will never be the same as travelling in your 20's.*

This is so, so true. Even more so when you need to sacrifice your 20s for young children (a time when others without children are proving themselves at work) and so you may never get the salary required to make it an easy thing.

@Sunshineonacloudyday20 I’m going to against the general response here. Regret is strong word. No regrets but might have done it differently. Had my DD at 33/34 and DS at 41/42. I’m turning 50 this year and DS is only 8. I fear that if they wait as long as I did to have their children I might not be an active granny or worse not be around to see them.
All the best in your decision.

@AnnaC2020 wow, what your DPs business, hand sanitizer and loo roll?

Haven't read any of the comments as I'm supposed to be working - but my thoughts:

I left school at 18 and got an OK job. Bought a house at 21, and had a fab fun time socialising in my 20s and early 30s, Was with my first BF for ten years then suddenly single at 28. Got a better job commuting 30 miles a day in my early 30s. had a few relationships but nothing serious. Always wanted a family and kids 'one day' but did enjoy the single life! Had a seriously good career between early 30s and early 40s, great money, lifestyle and bonuses. Met a chap in my mid 30s, married late 30s, started trying for children.

I always thought having kids was easy until you were in your 40s, was on the pill all my life, suddenly not so easy. Both of us had nice houses and were financially secure so we were in a great position to have a family and not have to worry about moving up or childcare (my job wasn't one that would be easy to work around kids so I planned to be a SAHM) - but after lots of trying and lots of tests, at 42 I found I was peri-menopausal and our one attempt at IVF stopped halfway through as it didn't stimulate any egg production.

We were lucky - had donor egg treatment abroad and had wonderful boy/girl twins, but I was definitely the oldest at primary school pick up. DD used to laugh that some of her friends grannies were younger than me! Now they are at secondary school and it's not an issue. We are all fit and well and go for bike rides and went skiing and they have ponies etc - so I don't think being older parents is a big deal, although we will perhaps miss out on seeing our grandchildren/GGCs etc.... But financially we have had an easy time of it, we aren't scrimping to buy a bigger house, or worrying that I should do more than my low paid, part time/flexible hours job.

So I agree - it is catch 22! Financially I'd say wait, but you can't be sure about nature. When I was looking at donor eggs they said the younger you are, the easier it is to conceive. Over 35s are considered too old to donate eggs!

My friend got pregnant quite young (married, but unplanned) and her MIL said 'there is never a right time'. I think that's true. (It all worked out well for them). You will cope whenever it happens. But someone else told me - either do it young then have your life afterwards, or sort yourself out first and have them later'. Again - no idea if that's true but as someone who went for the 'later' I can thoroughly recommend it....

Good luck!

Visiting Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Thailand, the Philippines, then going further afield to Bali, Australia, New Zealand, the Cook Islands, possibly touring South America ...as a wealthy middle-aged woman will never be the same as travelling in your 20's.

No, thank God. I was never into backpacking and squalid hostels at any age.

I can’t wait to be 40 with a 20 year old, meaning I’m higher up in my job and still have the energy to go on fancy holidays etc without worrying about childcare! Cannot wait

Crikey, talk about wishing your life away!

My children are in primary school and I am my mid forties. But I don’t think I would be able to have a career where I choose what and when I do in my job had I not put in the ground work in my 20s and early 30s. Packing kids off to school is simply not enough (unless you can afford private education plus tutors). But then again, I probably would have simply left them to scramble through school for themselves if I was younger. Being older just helps put things in perspective a bit.

I had my first and only child at 43, no regrets at all. I enjoyed having a good career, was happy to have a few years as SAHM, no juggling career, school run, after school activities; financially in a much better place ... mortgage paid off, comfortable lifestyle .... having a baby in my early 40s didn’t tire me out .... having to balance my career aspirations with raising a child in my 20s or 30s would have been exhausting.

I knew that I had fertility issues in my early 20s. This encouraged me to start a family sooner than I would have. I was 27 and 30 having mine. I just didn't want to run the risk of my fertility decreasing. I've put my career on hold. I don't regret my decision to prioritise having children. They are worth every sacrifice.

I married at 22 and am 28 now. DH and I own a 2 bed flat. I hope to have a child by the time I am 30-32. I realize this is considered quite young but at the same time, I have no wish for more than 1 child so I would only need to pay for 1 set of childcare fees and school fees. I really want a baby (am constantly broody) and I just don't want to wait till I am 38 to do so. I would probably feel differently if I haven't married DH straight out of uni but I did and I also am a homeowner so I just need to be able to pay £1600 childcare fees a month without relying on the government help (cos who knows what's going to happen to that post covid)