AIBU to ask if anyone regrets 'choosing' to have children later on in life?

[Sunshineonacloudyday20]

Posting this on the back of another thread whereby the op asked how people became successful in life.. I note quite a few posters explained that they waited later in life to have children and it resonated with myself.

I put 'choosing' because I realise life is NOT straight forward and it really is not always a choice or sadly possible for some.

I am currently 29 with a long term partner and we are currently living in a small 1 flat desperate to buy a house with 3 bedrooms so we can eventually start a family. My partner is a few years younger than me and currently still working his way up the career ladder and completing qualifications. We are engaged and would like to get married in the next few years - realistically we wont be 'ready' to ttc for a good few years (i would be 33/34) but I do worry that I may be leaving it too late especially as we would like 2 dcs. (Possble fertility issues, energy etc) Catch 22.

Would like to hear from you all and share your thoughts/experiences!

This isn't a thread about how to afford motherhood whilst on the lowest possible salary.

Did I say it was? I would never advocate having children young if you can't afford it. I had mine at 31 & 34. I just recognise that there is a middle ground between lowest possible salary & 250k.

I had my first at 34 and currently pregnant with second aged almost 36. Both times I fell pregnant first time- ovulation sticks are you friend! My closest friends have all conceived without issues in their 30's so don't be too concerned that you are on the clock. If you're healthy and no previous gynae issues chances are you'll be fine too

We're married, We own our own home, both have established careers and live comfortably even with me being on SMP for a year. If we'd had kids 5 years prior our lives would have been entirely different- we were both earning ok money back then but we would likely never have afforded saving a deposit for our own place or a wedding.

A lot of our friends had babies in their mid 20's and everyone has levelled out into the same position more or less, albeit one thing my younger breeding friends didn't get to do was travel pre kids, but then they'll get the opportunity to do it all post kids a lot sooner than we will!

There's no right or wrong, but for us waiting was the right move! My only small regret is that I think we'll stop at 2 kids, if I was a few years younger I'd have loved one more :)

Piglet89 she was only 34.

I had mine at 30 and 35 I certainly ellldnt hav

Sorry meant to say I actually wish I’d waited a bit longer
Since having them it has been difficult financially with childcare costs, no holiday in eight years my career is stagnated and I’ve got probably another 1015 years before life gets easier and we can get more for us if you know what I mean

If you're healthy and no previous gynae issues chances are you'll be fine too

That's what I thought but it hasn't worked out that way for us unfortunately. Sounds like you got very lucky.

I started trying at 29 only to run into fertility issues. I ended up very lucky to concieve twice through IVF and ended up with DD at 33 and currently pregnant with number 2 at 36. I definitly feel more tired at the moment, but that may just be already having DD, lockdown, pregnancy etc.

I don't think I was too old when I did have children but I definitly feel like I've 'missed out' a few years with my children due to infertility, and am glad we didn't start trying later. I know that most people don't have my issues, and don't think the same way I do, but I definitly feel that if you want to leave it to mid 30s a check up for obvious issues (egg reserves for women, sperm anaylsis for men) if you can afford it is a good idea.

There is a saying that there is never the perfect time for children, and I definitly feel that is true. You will always be making some compromises / sacrifices whenever you have them.

I had my last at 36 and didn’t occur to me that I was older. I feel no different now in my mid 40’s to how I did then

I agree with those although I assume men are also having their first later. Women have more rights & choices now

Yes, let's not forget the men in this. They have less of a biological clock issue than women but sperm quality does decline with age and this can result in a longer time to conceive and increased miscarriages.

But I think the real factor at play here is that it takes two to make a baby, and men's choices and opportunities have changed almost as much as women's.

In my parents' generation a 25 year old man with a decent job could conceivably have bought a house and be earning enough money to support a non-working wife and a couple of children. That's incredibly rare these days. Go back a generation further and your average 25 year old man had probably come back from the war feeling older than his years and felt ready. Our grandparents were used to rationing and cloth nappies and houses with outside toilets and no central heating. They wouldn't have seen anything particularly wrong with that as an environment for raising children because it was normal for them. And they didn't have dreams of travelling the world or the possibility of meeting lots of new people on Tinder to distract them.

I think that men and women who start families at a young age in this generation are less likely to have gone to university, so by the time they're 25 they have been working for at least 7 years and they've had time to save some money and maybe get on the property ladder even if their earning potential isn't as high as most graduates. By contrast, people who have been to university have only been working for three or four years max by the time they're 25. They have massive debts and are probably living in studenty flat shares (or maybe a one bed flat with their boyfriend or girlfriend if they are in a serious relationship at a young age) and because they think their earning potential is higher they want to wait until they have enough money to afford the lifestyle they want (which generally includes owning property and being able to afford things like holidays and meals out) before they think about having children. And now we have 50% going to university, there are more and more people who aspire to that kind of lifestyle (even though, ironically, it is harder for them to afford than it was for their parents' generation).

You can't plan to have a baby until you have someone to have one with, and there are lots of reasons why both men and women don't feel ready until later these days. It's just unfortunate for women because their biological clock is ticking faster.

I think you should start sooner rather than later. Mid 30s is biologically late and increases risks, no matter how you look at it. I'm 31 and won't be having them for another couple of years - but that's circumstance, not choice, as I have only just found someone I could consider having kids with after a messy divorce. I really wish my ex didn't turn out to be an arsehole so I could be a mum by now.

@ploopsie yes definitely there is a middle ground. My personal goal is combined income of £110-£120k, I calculated i can pay mortgage of £1000 and childcare expenses of £1600. if this rises to £150k, I can pay for prep school £1600 (£19,200 a year), and after school care £500. Like peperethecat said, young people these days don't want to have kids until they can afford the lifestyle they want. Currently we are pretty comfy (can fly to singapore twice a year, can spend £80 a month on my cosmetics habit, generally buy whatever groceries without worrying about the cost) and still be able to save £1000 a month, but we wouldn't be if we paid for childcare

@peperethecat I am 28 and half the people my age aren't coupled up ( not for lack of trying). Apparently dating is terrible these days, and its hard to meet anyone. There is also a certain social stigma if you marry too young ( i got married at 22 and a lot of people made fun of me). If you marry later, you have kids later.

but OP as someone who married (civil ceremony) at 22 and wanted to have children from the time I was married, it takes longer than you think it might take to get financially settled. It took us 3 years to save a deposit for our London 2 bed flat, 1.5 years of non stop searching. I wanted to get a higher paying job to pay for childcare but now I am working from home and with covid, it makes it a lot more challenging. Also my wedding celebrations (postponed wedding to save for deposit) are on permanent delay cos of covid and I want to have them before having a baby. Covid has thrown a spanner into a lot of things so maybe it would be better to see what expectations you can adjust if you really want 2 children.

Hi I think 33/34 is the perfect age to have a baby but since fertility tails off quite quickly from 35 I think it's a bit risky leaving it a bit late incase you have problems. You can always have babies first and marry later but I think you'd be devastated if you waited and then struggled. It's a very personal choice but I wouldn't wait too long.

I met DH at 19 but didn't marry him till I was 27. I wanted to be sure he was the right person (he was) & I felt you change so much in your 20s so just felt too young to do it any sooner as didn't really know what I wanted out of life.
We both had our own London flats but he rented his out & moved in with me before marriage. We still waited quite long after marriage for DC. We sold flats & bought a house that we needed to renovate, then we wanted to enjoy that a bit together & married life plus I just didn't feel ready. Although even when pregnant I didn't feel ready!

now debating dc3 but that's a whole other thread!

It has become quite clear to me that there is no perfect time. You just need to make sure you are ready! You may conceive instantly, it may take longer. You may get pregnant and then your DH loses his job or your house sale falls through. There are so many factors out of your control so I would suggest just going for it when you feel ready (when you have the house you would like or when you feel you have enough savings etc or just when that maternal urge kicks in). I waited until I had ticked off some big milestones and luckily for us, We conceived first month. Had We not, I would be kicking myself for waiting so long. We are in no means in a privileged position, but we don't struggle. It's all such a challenge!

I had my first and only at 41. I got pregnant within 5 weeks of trying. It's more exhausting being an older parent but I was too selfish and immature to have a child before then. Didn't expect to meet anyone, marry them and have a baby. Happy I did. Realise I was biologically lucky.

I would always get my egg count checked before putting it off, if planning to have kids in my 30s. Then you can rest easy.

While it might be a good idea to get egg count checked, there are many more reasons for infertility so I wouldn't say anyone could rest easy.

My egg count was completely normal. It still took me 7 years and multiple fertility treatments, including 2 ivfs, to have dc and even then, he was the only viable embryo we ever produced, and he will be our only. We didn't have any male factor infertility problems; the issue was with me.

Although we started trying when we were late 20's and were mid 30s by the time we had dc and we had 7 really hard years, we are far more financially secure now so that I could take unpaid leave and then part-time work which I wouldn't have been able to do if we were younger so who knows, maybe it was all for the best.

As for wanting children early so that parents can help out and have a good relationship with dc, that's all well and good but I wouldn't be having children to suit my parents; they've lived their life, you live yours.

In the same vein, we had our child without any expectation of help from grandparents. We do get the odd night out/weekend away which we are very grateful for but we don't rely on them for regular childcare.

I had mine at just turned 35 and 40. I was married at 29, financially stable etc but it took couple of years, then you're pregnant for nearly a year! so it adds up. Then I had a bad time losing my mum, so that delayed things again. So you can have the best plans in the world, but obstacles can crop up. I'm now 51, I sometimes wish I was younger. No grandparents to share them with, the worry of your own health as you get older... My 11 year old is definitely aware his parents are older and sometimes needs reassurance. And as someone said upthread, puberty and menopause at the same time, not a great combination! But life just unfolds doesn't it, you do what you think is right at the time.

I regret leaving it till 30 to TTC, but that's because I have fertility issues. I couldn't have known that before though.

I think to call 34 'young' to have children is naive. 16-20 young yes. I was 27 & 28 that was average to slightly older average to me (married mortgage career sorted) perfect time for me though as I was too immature and selfish any younger. But I wouldn't want to be having kids out of choice at over 30.biologically our bodies are primed for childbearing on late teens early 20s. It's naive to think 40's and 50' is OK. It's biologically impossible to have a child in your 50s naturally anyway

I am 28 and half the people my age aren't coupled up ( not for lack of trying). Apparently dating is terrible these days, and its hard to meet anyone. There is also a certain social stigma if you marry too young ( i got married at 22 and a lot of people made fun of me). If you marry later, you have kids later.

Definitely some truth in this, I think.

When I was 28 I had been with my boyfriend for two years although we weren't even living in the same country, let alone together. I found that all the other people I knew were either in really long term relationships that they'd been in since uni, or single and dating.

From what I hear from my friends who are dating (or recently coupled up and know what it's like to be out there trying to find someone in the Tinder age) it sounds terrifying. At the same time, I have a couple of friends who have been together since 6th form and he waited years and years and years to propose because he felt embarrassed about having had the same girlfriend since he was 18 and being the first to be seriously coupled up, and he felt under loads of pressure from people who were constantly asking when they were going to get married when they were only in their early 20s. As a result, he didn't propose until they'd been together for 10 years and she was on the point of dumping him if he waited any longer, and now they're both 34 and have no kids because while she was waiting for him to get a move on she did amazingly well in her career and now she's at a stage where it would be really difficult to take maternity leave without throwing away everything she's worked so hard for. You can't win really. Whatever you choose to do will be at the expense of something else.

You can have a child naturally at 50+, it’s not common but definitely possible!

My grandmother was the eldest of 18 children, her youngest live sibling was born at 51 and that was in the 1950’s! My great-grandmother had a baby every 1-2 years over 30 odd years.

Obviously I don’t advocate delaying that long but in the days of large families people kept going (high incidence of stillbirth, miscarriage, birth defects, neonatal death etc).

I wouldn't be the mum I am now if I'd children earlier. A decade younger and it would have been far more difficult trying to juggle careers as they were then and childcare and tbh everyone would have suffered. I'm far more patient than I was in my twenties, my mental health is much better now, I do more exercise than I did then, I'm not sure about energy levels because I don't remember bouncing out of bed every day at 26 either!