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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if anyone regrets 'choosing' to have children later on in life?

232 replies

Sunshineonacloudyday20 · 23/04/2020 19:46

Posting this on the back of another thread whereby the op asked how people became successful in life.. I note quite a few posters explained that they waited later in life to have children and it resonated with myself.

I put 'choosing' because I realise life is NOT straight forward and it really is not always a choice or sadly possible for some.

I am currently 29 with a long term partner and we are currently living in a small 1 flat desperate to buy a house with 3 bedrooms so we can eventually start a family. My partner is a few years younger than me and currently still working his way up the career ladder and completing qualifications. We are engaged and would like to get married in the next few years - realistically we wont be 'ready' to ttc for a good few years (i would be 33/34) but I do worry that I may be leaving it too late especially as we would like 2 dcs. (Possble fertility issues, energy etc) Catch 22.

Would like to hear from you all and share your thoughts/experiences!

OP posts:
swimmingclubs · 23/04/2020 20:54

I have a big age gap between children, having a child in my twenties was so much easier on my body and energy levels. Having the second he is a much harder child to raise, but I am more patient and settled. My body will never recover like it did when I was in my twenties though, so think about your fitness and health. If you wait longer it may well be more difficult to conceive. If you have kids younger you can claim your life bk sooner too maybe! Wait and you can enjoy your freedom for longer first. There are so many unknowns having children there will never be the perfect time. There are benefits and draw backs to both.

mistermagpie · 23/04/2020 20:56

33 is not later in life!

I've got three children, born when I was 35, 36 and 39 (I'm still 39). No regrets at all, I don't feel old and I'm actually fitter than I was in my 20s. I had no interest in children during my 20s and early 30s at all, in fact 20s seems really young to me! So it's horses for courses but for me I wanted my freedom when I was in my 20s not 50s.

Bitofeverything · 23/04/2020 20:58

I had mine late thirties and am so so grateful I waited. Never had FOMO - all my friends were already sprogged up. I’d done loads of travelling / parties etc, so was happy to stay at home. I honestly shudder at the idea of having them earlier - I’d have missed out on so much. And would never ever have got to where I am professionally before having kids (although know this point wouldn’t be the same for everyone). I loved being selfish pre kids and know I’ll never feel like that again am ok with that because I’d done loads before.

GirlCalledJames · 23/04/2020 20:59

If I had had children at 30, we would have had a one bedroom flat and a fairly low income that we would have struggled to bring up a family on. Neither of our families are well off nor have they ever been able to give us anything.
At 37 we’d paid off the mortgage, had some other assets and had enough savings for both of us to be able to not work until the kids start school (at the moment, we both work part-time but it’s great knowing we are ok if something happens).
We had fertility treatment but would have needed it at any age, it wasn’t age related.
You can have your FSH and AMH tested to better evaluate the risk of waiting.
Personally I have so much more patience with every passing year, which is a godsend with small children. My career is well established so it’s less of a risk to work freelance etc.
Waiting was definitely the right thing for us.

Original poster
Sunshineonacloudyday20 · 23/04/2020 21:00

I'm laughing at myself and your reaction at me thinking 33/34 was old to start having children.! Woops! . I guess it was also the consideration that we did want a second child then actually I would like be 36/7+ which I think is considered to be older?

Your reaction has made me feel better.. I feel like there is 'still so much to do with so little time'. Does anyone else feel like that?

In regards to marriage.. I am not sure it matters but I am the (slightly) higher earner and we both have the same amount of savings in the bank! We do want to get married but it's difficult being able to afford a new house, wedding and children! We are lucky that we have managed to save a good chunk of money in the last few years though!

OP posts:
Gindrinker43 · 23/04/2020 21:01

Was 33 when I had my eldest, had an established career, home, etc and could afford not to struggle on mat leave. Not only that but I look back on my 20's and can say I worked hard, played hard and was ready for a family and didn't sacrifice my career or 20's.

peajotter · 23/04/2020 21:01

Early thirties isn’t late, unless you want to have lots of kids. I started at 30 and had my third at 39. I am too tired now to have any more! Part of me wishes we’d started earlier and had more kids, but I loved my 20s freedom and am in a better position financially from waiting.

Battysace123 · 23/04/2020 21:03

Why are people saying mid thirties is still young? Your biological click is ticking so fast at that age. I had mine at 32 and 35 but I wish I had them in my twenties, my parents are not getting any younger, and I'm still going to be doing the school run nearing 50.

Battysace123 · 23/04/2020 21:05

clock

HarrietM87 · 23/04/2020 21:09

That age is standard amongst my peers (friends and colleagues). I had my son at 31 and was the youngest in our NCT group and one of the first of my friends. I’m 33 and having our second and now loads of my friends are pregnant too which is really nice. Better to get house and jobs and wedding sorted pre babies because it’s all much harder afterwards!

snowy0wl · 23/04/2020 21:10

@Battysace123 - not everyone's biological clock is ticking away in their mid-30s. I only changed my mind about children in my late 30s and had my first baby at 39. I don't feel old in the slightest and I'm pleased that I had the chance to live life a little beforehand. I'm also in a much more financially secure position than I would have been at a younger age.

Rainsun1 · 23/04/2020 21:12

I agree that you have much more energy in your twenties. Also it’s harder to study along have children or climb the career ladder as well.

fluffdeloop · 23/04/2020 21:14

When I was 29 I had fertility tests and turned out i wasnt as fertile as i hoped. so we made the decision to freeze embryos at that age. went on to have my first at 36 .. very glad i waited as i was able to make big progress career and house wise. but also very glad I did the embryo freezing as it turned out successful and saved any issues from leaving it "too late" biologically .

Hairyfairy78 · 23/04/2020 21:14

Had one at 25, thought that was hard work. Had one at 41 ....OMFG. That told me that the one at 25 was a piece of piss. Dealing with a hormonal 11 year old at the age 52 is no picnic!

Rainsun1 · 23/04/2020 21:15

I agree when you put it like that about the school run! @Battysace123

Rainsun1 · 23/04/2020 21:17

@Hairyfairy78 gosh that’s such a big gap. Was it worth starting again? Just asking as I sometimes think I could imagine having a big gap but then I don’t want to start again.

Rosebel · 23/04/2020 21:18

I'm pregnant with my 3rd and am nearly 40. I can honestly say this pregnancy has been much harder than when I had my older two in my 20s.
On the other hand I do feel more confident in the choices I'm making for my baby and hopefully that will continue when he is born. Perhaps I'm just more confident because it's my 3rd.
I don't think there is a perfect age for having a baby but I think early 30s is fine. Certainly don't think it's too old.

Battysace123 · 23/04/2020 21:20

Who knows

Battysace123 · 23/04/2020 21:21

Sorry wrong threadBlush

yukka · 23/04/2020 21:23

@Battysace123 we are saying it because.... taken from the ons....(key point In last paragraph - women have evolved)

In 2017, fertility rates for women aged 40 years and over increased by 1.3% compared with 2016, continuing the long-term rise recorded since the late-1970s. The fertility rate for this age group is at its highest level since 1949, with 16.1 births per 1,000 women aged 40 years and over. For the third consecutive year the fertility rate for women aged 40 years and over exceeded the rate for women aged under 20 years; this pattern was last recorded in 1947.

WeAllHaveWings · 23/04/2020 21:24

I had ds when I was 35, we wanted a second dc and tried when I was 37 but it never happened.

If I went back and had my choice again, I'd probably make the same decision to wait until we were financially secure enough and bought a house. What I might have changed was saving and buying earlier so we were in that position sooner.

Zootastic · 23/04/2020 21:26

Over the age of 30 we do have a harder time conceiving, and we do have far more energy in our 20s for kids. But it’s the norm now for women to have kids when it suits them. I was 35 when I had my second child and I am exhausted when I sit down at 8pm. My advice - get a couple of dogs instead - loads easier and cheaper Grin

BlackeyedSusan · 23/04/2020 21:28

its fucking knackering.

menopause and puberty...

ScarfLadysBag · 23/04/2020 21:33

I was 33 when DD arrived and so far it's been great. We are financially settled enough now that I could take full mat leave and then continue to work very part time hours while looking after DD during the day. That would have been impossible 10 years or so ago. We also have a nice big house and garden, which I'm super grateful for given the current situation!

But around here 33 is an entirely average age, if not younger side to start a family! I was also the exact same age as when my mum had me Grin

In terms of being more tired, I don't know. Maybe it's harder on my body slightly, but I take care of myself more now than I did in my 20s! I've not found it particularly tiring or hard going and my body has recovered well enough from pregnancy. And because we are in a fine position financially I don't have to push myself to try juggle too much, which I would have done a few years ago when our finances weren't so secure. So I'm certainly glad we waited till now.

Battysace123 · 23/04/2020 21:34

@yukka one of my relatives had a baby at the age of 48, she then went on to have twins at the age of 51.nothing short of a miracle