AIBU to ask if anyone regrets 'choosing' to have children later on in life?

[Sunshineonacloudyday20]

Posting this on the back of another thread whereby the op asked how people became successful in life.. I note quite a few posters explained that they waited later in life to have children and it resonated with myself.

I put 'choosing' because I realise life is NOT straight forward and it really is not always a choice or sadly possible for some.

I am currently 29 with a long term partner and we are currently living in a small 1 flat desperate to buy a house with 3 bedrooms so we can eventually start a family. My partner is a few years younger than me and currently still working his way up the career ladder and completing qualifications. We are engaged and would like to get married in the next few years - realistically we wont be 'ready' to ttc for a good few years (i would be 33/34) but I do worry that I may be leaving it too late especially as we would like 2 dcs. (Possble fertility issues, energy etc) Catch 22.

Would like to hear from you all and share your thoughts/experiences!

At 35, you're classed as a 'geriatric' mother. You can't even give birth in the birthing suite. It's the labour ward

Think that depends upon the hospital. Certainly not the case for me at 38

My aunt was classed as an "older mother" in the 80's when she had her son at 33, but I thought that kind of thinking had gone out with the Ark.

OP specifically asked older mothers if they had regrets and most people are just being honest. I am sure she knows fertility declines and can make her own mind up how she wants to use this info and proceed.

At 35, you're classed as a 'geriatric' mother. You can't even give birth in the birthing suite. It's the labour ward

That's certainly not true here either.
Not one of my friends had a child before they were 30.

I had my first at 35 and am due my second now, I'll be 38 when I deliver. We started ttc when I was 33 so it wasn't immediate - that's maybe something to factor in.
I'm mostly happy I did it at this age. My career is very well established so the relatively fallow years I'm going through now (went back PT after first) can be quickly picked up again when I'm ready after the second. I'm very tired though, especially now I'm pregnant again.
I wouldn't have been financially or emotionally ready any earlier, if I'm honest

Absolute nonsense that you can’t give birth in a MLU if you’re over 35.

I was 32 when I had my first and 35 with my second. I do think I've got a wee bit less energy than my younger mum friends but otherwise it's a pretty good age.

One thing I would say is that you never know if you will have fertility problems.
Dont assume it will happen as soon as you want it to - We started trying when I was 28.

I think it's one thing to wait until you're older because of life circumstances, like you OP, but I do have friends who have been career and financially comfortable for a while, great houses, much better off than we are (and we're in a good position), in relationships for 10+ years and who talk about children but still no sign. I do wonder what's the point in putting it off for the sake of it.

How do you know they haven't already been trying for years?

peperethecat because they're close friends and we've spoken about it.

I had 3 dc in my very early 20s
Then another aged 38.
I was 2 old for the 4 th child .im exhausted,snappy ,can’t cope with his behavioural issues ,due to his autism.
I don’t regret having him ,I just should of done it 10 years earlier

With having kids older it's the teenage years I'd worry about. All the hormonal stuff and exam drama, not sure I'd want to deal with that in my 50s. I know my own parents wanted to start taking things easier at that point.

I'm 34 and have been trying for a year and had four miscarriages.

I'm pretty healthy, have been off hormonal contraception for four years, and my FSH and AMH levels are about average for my age.

We weren't really in a position to start trying much earlier than we did for various reasons, but I am starting to worry about running out of time. We don't know what the problem is or whether it's treatable and I'm now stressing about having to wait three months for an appointment with a specialist who will probably want to run tests which will take a few months before we can try again.

The timing can't really be helped but I would feel less scared if I were 30 or even 32 rather than 34.

Most people who wait until their early or mid 30s to start trying will be absolutely fine, but it's very true that you just don't know whether you are going to have fertility problems or not until you start trying. A fertility clinic can guess at how many eggs you've got left, but they can't tell you whether it will be easy or even possible for you to have a baby or not.

I don’t think you can kid yourself (like some posters have on here) that mid 30s is young biologically. It may be culturally within their groups but it doesn’t mean it will all be fine. I know so many people that have struggled with infertility and a number with secondary infertility that doesn’t seem to be talked about as much.

For me, we waited until we had a house. We were lucky that that was as soon as I hit 30. In hindsight I should have perhaps done one extra job. I got to a level where I’m in a well-paid part time position but have stagnated a bit. I think that was the decision to go part-time though rather than the act of having babies per se. But, if I’d have taken another step up, I don’t think part-time would have been an option.

God I would definitely wait! Get where you want to be career / financially first. It will be 10000 x harder when you have DC.

I was glad I didn't have ours until we were 31 and 32, but wouldn't have liked to be any older either.

It was a good age as we both had properties (weren't married) and stable jobs/careers.

We also had two at once and if we'd been older I'm not sure we'd have had the energy!

It meant the grandparents were still in their late 50s early 60s too.

But having them older meant we had also enjoyed our 20s socialising, travelling etc.

Now they are 14 and we can go out again for shorter evenings out locally without babysitters.

! We do want to get married but it's difficult being able to afford a new house, wedding and children

How big a wedding are you after though, are you wanting the big party? Again how much are you planning on spending on the baby?

We spend much less than our peers on both, in fact our house is much smaller too.
Yet we have all we need and are happy. We could have pushed the boat out more an all three areas and struggled.
We also had some savings too.
Just don't wait til things are perfect, that could take a while or you might not get perfect it might be just fine.

@Ezira life has no rule book. We are have a generally plan it doesn’t work sometimes. It’s a interesting thread. I think it is better to have a career as kids are expensive but I know a lot of mums that were on low incomes & enjoyed there kids and studied later on. I have a very young mother but they aren’t my source of childcare things aren’t always as black and white. You can’t plan to heavily. A lot of it is your luck in life.

Had DD at 22, she's now 4. I have a secure home in a lovely area and I'm just at the start of my career. No more children planned (yet). We are happy, she is happy. Do what you feel is right.

Btw, birth was super easy and quick. It might not be due to age but I have a feeling it was.

@tempnamechange98765 EVERYONE has a high risk of Down’s when they’re older. The NHS test is a really blunt instrument as the algorithm places great weight on maternal age and it isn’t a great indicator of the real likelihood of your having a baby with Down’s.

Not a very nice thing to write about your sister, to be honest.

What I find interesting that whilst historically it may be unusual to start a family in your mid 30s in the past before the pill for example women would have had more children. So the younger children were much more likely to be conceived when the mother was late 30s/early 40s.

@desiringonlychild I didn't say it was compulsory to have those other things either. Obviously you're entitled to you choice but your post sounded very money oriented which I think is a consideration but not everything. Plus you can be overstretched & rushing around with 1dc.

I was engaged at 24, bought our first home (2 bedroom flat in North London at 25, and got married a week after my 26th birthday.
We’ve been together since 16 and are both now in managerial positions at 28 & 29 in public sector jobs.
We had our first last year when I was 27 and I’m just about to return to work.
We plan on upgrading to a 3 bed house in a couple of years but for the meantime are happy where we are with lots of space and parks nearby.
It’s all down to you. I always said that I wouldn’t have my 1st child until I was 33 or so but the call came sooner than expected!
Life is more than ages and doing things by certain times. Do what makes you happy provided you can afford it.
We’ve barely had help financially from our families so everything we have we have worked hard for and saved.

Also- my pregnancy was far from straightforward. Even though I was 27 I had a plethora of issues that presented during the pregnancy that led me to being classed as ‘high risk’. It was traumatic so don’t assume that only ‘older’ mums can have issues.

@ploopsie yes you can be overstretched and rushing around with 1 DC too but if you have 1 difficult child and not a lovely zen like temperament, you would probably be worse with 2. A lot of this really depends on circumstances too. Of course I am looking at all this from the perspective that this would come from 100% earned income when that is rarely the case for many families as grandparents help out. I just know having 2 kids isn't for me because I think, if I went back to my home country, Singapore, would I have 2 kids? Even as an overseas Singaporean, the government pays me the equivalent of £8k per child and if I lived in Singapore, I would be able to afford a full time live in domestic helper and also get childcare subsidies and free quality education.Seriously no one in my family for the last 3 generations has raised children without live in domestic help or grandparents. But then even in that situation, I still wouldn't want 2 children.

My MIL had 4 children and has always earned very little, but she has always told me I would manage. She also forgets that her dad gave her money to buy both her first home and second home, paid for all her vacations, gave her allowance money well into her 50s, paid for any adhoc expenses she had. So of course she managed (though my DH could not afford to go on a single school trip).

What I find interesting that whilst historically it may be unusual to start a family in your mid 30s in the past before the pill for example women would have had more children. So the younger children were much more likely to be conceived when the mother was late 30s/early 40s.

I did my family tree last year and most of my ancestors were having children into their 40s from what I can tell.

My great grandmother married at 36, had her first child 10 months later at 37, and then had another child at 39 or 40. I think she also had another one after that who was stillborn or died in infancy, but unfortunately there is no one left alive from that branch of the family who can confirm or deny, and they were living in South Africa at the time so I don't know if there is any way of accessing the birth records.

But like you say, I think it would have been rare to have a first child at that age, mostly due to women getting married much younger and no reliable contraception. And I also think that when you see a youngest child being born when the mother was in her 40s and the unmarried oldest daughter was in her teens, the mother may not have actually been the mother, if you know what I mean.

In any case, women having babies later in life is certainly nothing new, but I think the biological clock problem is. In previous years women who got to 35+ without being married would probably have accepted long ago that they were unlikely to have children, not because of fears about declining fertility but because of the more obvious problem of not having a husband. And women who had their first children in their teens or 20s probably would not have minded (or even been relieved) if they never managed to have more babies after their early 30s.

I think this phenomenon of women planning to have children but waiting until they are in their 30s or later to even try (because they hadn't met the right partner, or they want to progress their career or travel the world or buy a house) is quite a new thing.

@ploopsie also OP says that on the thread where many successful Mumsnetters said that one of the factors that contributed to them being successful and rich was waiting to have babies. This suggests that for OP, money and having a great career is important. This isn't a thread about how to afford motherhood whilst on the lowest possible salary..I mean I often browse imamother, a Mumsnet equivalent for orthodox Jewish women ( I am Jewish but of the liberal stream). Very US centric but most women there have their first child at 21/22, and somehow managed to have high incomes, good careers, an average of 4-5 children and being able to pay private school for all of them while living in expensive states like new York. So that's another perspective, a lot of these women had children in their early 20s and late 30s, managing to have 5 children before that. They also managed to balance this with careers. I think a large part of that is orthodox Jews are very family oriented, they are not satisfied with 1-3 children, they want to have as many as they can have. At the same time they need to earn well (250k for an orthodox Jewish family is barely making it as orthodox Jews live in expensive areas, pay for private schools and weddings for all their children). Necessity is the mother of invention. You can have many kids , have them young and a great career, I just think the women who do it are incredibly goal orientated and know what they want. Also they really have no choice.

I think this phenomenon of women planning to have children but waiting until they are in their 30s or later to even try (because they hadn't met the right partner, or they want to progress their career or travel the world or buy a house) is quite a new thing.

I agree with those although I assume men are also having their first later. Women have more rights & choices now