AIBU to ask if anyone regrets 'choosing' to have children later on in life?

[Sunshineonacloudyday20]

Posting this on the back of another thread whereby the op asked how people became successful in life.. I note quite a few posters explained that they waited later in life to have children and it resonated with myself.

I put 'choosing' because I realise life is NOT straight forward and it really is not always a choice or sadly possible for some.

I am currently 29 with a long term partner and we are currently living in a small 1 flat desperate to buy a house with 3 bedrooms so we can eventually start a family. My partner is a few years younger than me and currently still working his way up the career ladder and completing qualifications. We are engaged and would like to get married in the next few years - realistically we wont be 'ready' to ttc for a good few years (i would be 33/34) but I do worry that I may be leaving it too late especially as we would like 2 dcs. (Possble fertility issues, energy etc) Catch 22.

Would like to hear from you all and share your thoughts/experiences!

Ironically if I had wanted multiple children, I would have needed to wait to have children. In order to pay for 2 sets of childcare, 2 sets of school fees and a London 3 bed house, I would have needed an income of £250k which is not going to happen unless I really focus on my career until my late 30s

I'm the opposite had kids very young my youngest is now starting school this year (depending on pandemic) I'm 29 years old and I've had a lot of time now working shit part time job but one that was convenient with the kids that I've had time to think what I want to do with my life and I'm excited to go back to learning myself and have a plan and an end career goal now something which I wouldn't have swayed towards at all as a teenager making career choices. Sometimes paths are paved out for you for a reason Is my feeling

I was 32 when me and my husband started trying and we were very lucky in that it happened very quickly for us, but in a few years we'd like to try for another, so I would possibly be 37/38 I don't think it's too late at all

I had mine at 31 and 34 and I did not see that as "later in life" at all! Maybe because all my friends had kids around the same age? There was on year when 5 of our group of 6 all had a baby!

@Pipandmum that’s lovely, did you conceive naturally?

I don't think it impacts "success".
I had DS late (38)- It coincided with a big promotion but then I had the stressful baby /nursery bit when I was trying to do a big job - plus the maternity leave/cover at a senior level was crap. I had a colleague who had children relatively early and she was done and dusted and able to concentrate on her career

Your 30s really isnt young to have a child. Culturally yes; biologically no.

I would be worried about leaving it til later for a few reasons. Firstly fertility declines with age - yes most people can conceive fine in their 30s, but if you encountered a problem your window to fix it would be very narrow. Secondly, I would be worried about ending up caring for small children and elderly parents at the same time. Thirdly, people that have children a lot later (I mean early 40s so not that applicable to your case) tend to only have 1, or 2 in quick succession as you dont have the luxury of time to build a family. Also I think once you've done the fun/travelling bit first, staying in looking after small children can be a bit of a shock.

All the women in my family have babies in their 20s, which is lovely as it means my daughter has a doting great grandma in her 70s. I want to be around for DD for as many years as possible, I dont want her to end up caring for me in her 30s or 40s. When she is 18 I will be 44 and still young enough to travel and have another lease of life, which will be lovely. I think going straight into retirement from an empty nest must be quite hard.

That said plans dont always come to fruition and everyone's circumstances are different. I would just be wary of prioritising a big house/money over having a family of your own which will mean so much more. Good luck whatever you decide!

Just make sure you've travelled first and lived your life to the full.

@desiringonlychild it's not compulsory to pay for private education.

@Desiringonlychild

I think a sibling is much more valuable than a private school education.

I agree

Personally I had my children when I was young I am 48 now and they have all left home, and before you ask they are 31, 25, 23 and 20, and at 48 I am still young enough to enjoy my life. I would not have the patience now.

@Wolfgirrl there are more reasons why I want to have an only child i.e. not wanting to have another pregnancy, wanting to have the flexibility to stay in my 2 bed flat in zone 3 London without having to upgrade (if I upgrade, it would be to get more space, not cos it was an absolute requirement), more time for us as a couple, lots of reasons.

You have your own opinions on what your child needs, I have mine. My husband thinks his top comprehensive Jewish state school JFS (which incidentally has better results than the likes of fortismere, which is quite strange because fortismere is universally considered to be a really good comprehensive ) is not good enough and in our corner of North London as well as the home counties ,that unfortunately only leaves the grammar schools and private schools. Lots of Mumsnetters have 2-3 kids all at private school too, I don't think they did decide how many children they had based on private school fees, it just worked out that way. A lot of people say they would have more children if they could afford. However for me the biggest question isn't really affordability. It's the fact that I don't see myself as this super stressed out woman rushing around her 2+ children, stretching herself financially, not being able to save 20% of salary.. my child would be a child of the covid 19 pandemic growing up in a country with a 20% unemployment rate and many years of austerity. Forgive me if this doesn't make me want to procreate more babies. Yes to being a mother, no to being overstretched. I mean, we shouldn't assume the middle class is going to be insulated!

@ploopsie it's not compulsory to be a home owner or to have a career before having a baby either. We prioritize what we feel is important. My mum had me at 28. She was doing her MBA at night school, working till 11pm everyday. My grandma cared for me. I think today if she was asking questions on Mumsnet, people would tell her to abort cos she clearly has a lot on her plate. Thankfully she didn't. Though she did have a house! And anyway she worked till 11 pm everyday for most of my childhood with 2 little girls and it was bloody hard even with live in grandparents.

It might be worth a chat with gp?
No one can totally predict fertility issues Or pregnancy complications but there may be things that predispose - certain medical conditions, things that run in the family (eg did your mother have fertility issues or complications of pregnancy)?

@Desiringonlychild

you didnt put any of that in your original post, I'm not psychic.

I think a lot of parents are focussed on 'perfection' until the baby arrives then realise its total chaos regardless of what you do.

I had my dd just before 24 th birthday, ds1 when 27 and then got pregnant unintentionally when 35. They are all grown up now but ds2 is very thoughtful and considerate, more so than his siblings. I have never regretted having any of them.

@Wolfgirrl I believe we can influence our children but ultimately it's not 100% nurture. So you are correct in that sense. But at the same time, I think a lot of what drive MC parenting- the obsession with schools (state/private), established career ensuring reliable stream of income for DC, is borne out of insecurity and inequality. We fear our children may grow up to have worse lives than we have, hence we overcompensate and try to create the perfect conditions. At the same time, it is getting very expensive to replicate the conditions that many middle class parents grew up with (house with garden near city centre/in nice suburb, enrichment classes and good education). The middle class is shrinking due to inequality. Hence MC women who wish to retain the same advantages for their children have to wait to attain a high income.

We don't want them to be even remotely resemble the 30% of children in poverty in UK.

There is no perfect time to have a baby and there are no guarantees with fertility. I'd strongly recommend that you only wait if you'd be happy with just one child. Among my acquaintance, the ones who waited couldn't have a second baby. OTOH, the ones who waited have better careers. You can't have it all; you can have a lot of what you do want though. GL, whatever you decide. x

All the women in my family have babies in their 20s, which is lovely as it means my daughter has a doting great grandma in her 70s. I want to be around for DD for as many years as possible, I dont want her to end up caring for me in her 30s or 40s. When she is 18 I will be 44 and still young enough to travel and have another lease of life, which will be lovely. I think going straight into retirement from an empty nest must be quite hard.

Travelling at 44 would only be possible if your child didn’t go to university. You would realistically need to wait until 48-50. Then, if your daughter followed your pattern of having children young, you would need to be available from your 50s-65 for childcare. So realistically things like travel etc would need to be delayed past retirement age. At that point there aren’t any guarantees about health and people tend to be a lot poorer.

Whereas if you delay into your early thirties you could very well have the money to travel with the entire family and thus provide experiences for your children while they are young.

Having babies in your thirties is pretty much the norm. I was 33 and 38 (that's just how it worked out) with no problems except ds2 took us about a year to conceive whereas ds1 was instantaneous.

These threads can be dangerous.

At 35, you're classed as a 'geriatric' mother. You can't even give birth in the birthing suite. It's the labour ward.

Fertility also slowly declines and risk of DS is high after 35.

I would always get my egg count checked before putting it off, if planning to have kids in my 30s. Then you can rest easy.

Zoe Hardmans story is a prime example of why. Made by Mamas podcast is very good!

Average age is 28.

Not 35, Not 37. Honestly.

Also, your parents miss out too if you leave it too late.

35 is old. These threads give me the fear. Imagine if the op couldn't have a baby because she left it too late. Please look at fertility statistics.

Someone people are so lucky to have babies 35+ with no problems. This is not the norm. Remember this is also Mumsnet. So predominantly mums who have been successful.

That’s not “later in life”, that’s normal where I live. Most of my friends waited until 36 or 37.
Some into their 40s.
I was 45. The sky hasn’t fallen in, we are very happy.
But if you want a baby sooner, save more - packed lunches for work, fewer nights out, no take-out coffee, staycations. Aim for a less expensive house. (after lockdown)