AIBU to ask if anyone regrets 'choosing' to have children later on in life?

[Sunshineonacloudyday20]

Posting this on the back of another thread whereby the op asked how people became successful in life.. I note quite a few posters explained that they waited later in life to have children and it resonated with myself.

I put 'choosing' because I realise life is NOT straight forward and it really is not always a choice or sadly possible for some.

I am currently 29 with a long term partner and we are currently living in a small 1 flat desperate to buy a house with 3 bedrooms so we can eventually start a family. My partner is a few years younger than me and currently still working his way up the career ladder and completing qualifications. We are engaged and would like to get married in the next few years - realistically we wont be 'ready' to ttc for a good few years (i would be 33/34) but I do worry that I may be leaving it too late especially as we would like 2 dcs. (Possble fertility issues, energy etc) Catch 22.

Would like to hear from you all and share your thoughts/experiences!

I had my ds at 30 and dd at 42.

I’m 56 now and am knackered. I love her to bits, but feel guilty that l won’t be around for her as long as l would be for Ds.

Dh and l are both exhausted with demanding jobs. I found that when l got into my 50’s l really wanted to slow down my pace of life, but l can’t, as she needs financial support.

In fact l would say that the above point is probably the hardest one of all.

If l had my time again, I’d have mine in my 20’s. Then you’ve got a long time to be there for them

I don't think mid thirties is young to be honest. I'm 28 and pregnant with my first and it's been a rocky road to get here. DH is 31 and we've been married four years this year. We did marry 'young' compared to a lot of our friends. DH didn't go to uni but had a decent job, and I am a 'professional'. We are in our second home. I am far more comfortable having DC now and then being able to push on with my career afterwards. Different strokes for different folks. One of my friends had her first at 35 and had a traumatic birth. She's quite stressed worrying about whether to have a second or not (she's now 37) as she is very frightened at the prospect but worried about the clock ticking.

@Battysace123 that must be hard on the kids growing up with an old mum.

I had my first child at 27 and I wish I had become a mother sooner. I put off having a baby because I felt I should travel, get some good work experience, enjoy nights out with friends etc
I felt I was just going through the motions of doing everything people say you should do before settling down and having kids but I wish I hadnt bothered because nothing is as fulfilling as being a mother and I would have rather had 4 more years of being with my son. But I've always known that I wanted to be a mother and started saving for a house at 15 so I could have a stable home as soon as possible and not have to delay becoming a mother. Different people have different priorities and prefer to do other things before starting a family.

I met DH at 31, started trying at 34, had DD at 37 and DS at 40
I sometimes wish we'd met earlier. And that we hadn't had to deal with infertility and miscarriages. But everything I did led to us having the children we have and of course I wouldn't change them for the world. I shudder to think I could have had children with the partner I was with in my twenties. Swings and roundabouts, it would be nice to be younger and less knackered but we have the careers and the house we want now. We can step back and give them more of our time than if we were in the position we were in 10 years ago.

@Battysace123
Sorry wrong thread
😂😆🤣

Had my first at 32. Second at 35. Then developed premature ovarian failure, so could not have a third. Something to consider if you want more than one.

I had my first at 29 when we were living in a one bed flat - babies don't need much. We had been married for 4 years though so felt ready. I am glad we didn't hang around, now in our 50s enjoying great times with lovely grown up children, the thought of having wee ones at this age exhausts me.

But it is what works for you, not me, that counts for you.

This is a misunderstanding of what fertility rate means. It's not a measure of "fertility" in the sense of biological ability to have a child. Fertility rate is just a ratio of babies to women. So a changing fertility rate for a given group could be just as much, or even totally a reflection of societal factors (eg more women trying to conceive in their forties, using contraception in their twenties etc) rather being a direct reflection of some change in biological ease with which women can conceive for the first time in their forties. Not that that isn't also possible (improved health, later menopause etc) but the rise in "fertility rate" isn't an equivalency

Had my first at 24,second at 27 and 3rd at 39. No regrets ever.

I was a teenager when I had my first, few months off 40 with my youngest. I didn't feel any different. I suppose the only blow was putting off retirement to help with support at univeristy so retirement at 60 changed to retirement at 62. I think it will be more of an issue with grandchildren, with my eldest's children I was just about young enough to be their mother and had lots of energy for childcare and fun and games. I fear by the time the youngest has children I will be that old granny sat in a rocking chair with a shawl.

You don’t need to wait to have a 3 bed house. 1 bed flat is fine for a baby as they need to be in with you until they are 6 months old anyway. Then a 2 bed will do when they are under school age. So you’ve got years before you need a 3 bed. If you wait until 33 you could be trying for 2 years then have to go through fertility treatment as a 35+ woman. Why risk that?

I had mine at 36 and 39, conceived naturally. I had more patience and was altogether better placed than I would have been had I had them in my twenties. Not that I wanted them.earlier. It was perfect timing for me.

I had my baby at 41 (40 when conceived), I’m loving it far more than I thought so have a slight regret didn’t have 1 at 38/39 so could have had 2 by 42.
But there’s no way I’d have wanted to be younger than 35.

I think you're doing the right thing.

I bought my house with DP when I was 26. Got married at 30. Had DC1 at 33 and DC2 at 37. Don't regret holding off having children in order to be more financially secure first.

Unless you are independently wealthy do not even think about it until you are married.

This is simplistic advice. It assumes that the woman is the lesser earning partner who will be giving up her career and relying, at least in part, on the man. I earn the same as my DP in the 2.5 days I work as he does FT. Plus I own the property we live in. I've nothing against marriage, maybe we will do it one day. But it would not provide any financial security to me - quite the opposite.

I don't think waiting to try for a child until your 32/33 is a bad idea. At the moment you and your partner are working towards a decent career, buying a home and getting married. You want to be in a good as position as possible before having a family and that's a good thing. In time this will give you more options and flexibility when you have a child.

Most of my friends did this and long term it enabled them to get buy a house, get married. When they had a child/children some of them could work part time then because they were in a good financial position by then.

I had my first child at 32 and my second at 35. That suited me but I would have liked 3 children and leaving it so late meant I never did. My second baby had lots of issues and by the time I felt able to have another child I was nearly 38, I was tired and I just felt I missed the chance. I still regret not having another child but the gap between them all is just too much now. I wish I’d had my kids around age 28, 31 & 33.

Had mine at 42 - didn't plan it that way, it's just the way life panned out.

I'm sure plenty of people do to be honest, it's just too taboo to talk about.

I always cringe when people post about deciding whether or not to have another one, and others say things like "you never regret the children you have, only the ones you don't". They really have no way of knowing if that's true.

I adore my son but honestly - if I'd known what motherhood was like, I don't know if I'd have chosen it. I can't see myself having another for that reason. The all consuming worry about him is just relentless and it will never go. Maybe others who are thicker skinned than I am can cope with it better!

Degree the PhD for me and had my kids at 36 and 40 - no regrets, did take time to conceive but we got there in the end - good luck

Oh I'm so sorry please ignore my post I didn't read your OP properly

I had both my children by the time I turned 30 but I'd like another in a few years... I'm 33 next week and won't be in a position to have a third until 35/36... I'm not worried at all!

Op if you were 35/36 now and still waiting then you'd be right to be a little cautious but at your age please don't worry too much! It's very sensible that you aren't rushing!

I was 21. It worked for me, I had my freedom to travel and generally enjoy myself in my 40s with more disposable income.

OP, I just don't know.

I was 30 and 32 when I had my DC (who are now 16 and 18). That was pretty standard among my friends - but my mum made endless comments about me being a geriatric mother, because she was 21 when she had me (left school at 16, married at 19 - still married now!) So I always felt that was a bit old.

I do sort of think it's a bit old, now that my DC are older and I'm starting to think about how old I will be when they are my age. I'm 48 now, and I'll be 80 when my younger one is the age I am now. This feels too old. My mum was only a couple of years older than I am now when my first child, her first grandchild, was born.

There's no right answer to this one!

Personally, if I could do it all again, I'd have children in my 20s. I didn't achieve anything very much in my 20s (PhD, though that didn't get me very far in life). It would really have been better to have children and then think about careers. It's too late for me now.

But that's just me! Your situation may be completely different.