AIBU to ask if anyone regrets 'choosing' to have children later on in life?

[Sunshineonacloudyday20]

Posting this on the back of another thread whereby the op asked how people became successful in life.. I note quite a few posters explained that they waited later in life to have children and it resonated with myself.

I put 'choosing' because I realise life is NOT straight forward and it really is not always a choice or sadly possible for some.

I am currently 29 with a long term partner and we are currently living in a small 1 flat desperate to buy a house with 3 bedrooms so we can eventually start a family. My partner is a few years younger than me and currently still working his way up the career ladder and completing qualifications. We are engaged and would like to get married in the next few years - realistically we wont be 'ready' to ttc for a good few years (i would be 33/34) but I do worry that I may be leaving it too late especially as we would like 2 dcs. (Possble fertility issues, energy etc) Catch 22.

Would like to hear from you all and share your thoughts/experiences!

A cautionary tale, @Sunshineonacloudyday20.

We married when I was 34. After two years TTC, we were told my fertility was in a poor state, with very low ovarian reserve and that it wasn’t even worth our trying IVF. We mourned and kind of made our peace with it.

Then I completely unexpectedly got pregnant almost 18 months after the infertility diagnosis. Our son was born the day after our four year wedding anniversary. But he is a miracle and will probably be our only one.

Were I you, I don’t think I would wait.

Started trying at 34 and had to deal with fibroids, miscarriages and ivf. Completely unexpected as I thought I was super fit and healthy. Turns out I already had a low egg count and was very lucky to get DS. IVF is rough and has pretty low success rates if you look at the cold hard facts.
Both my parents have died sadly so no grandparents to spoil him. Sorry to be the voice of doom! I wasn’t super ready to start trying but glad I did.

I had zero interest in having a baby, until I was over 40. When I was younger, I always assumed I’d have kids. But that’s not how my I lived my life. When I got married, the urge still wasn’t strong...
Once I was in the last chance saloon however, we decided to give it one last shot (we had lost one, previously) and... I’m having a baby at 44! It feels like the right time for me.

@AnnaC2020

I admire your optimism, as a first time mum to be!

We had ds when I was 40. No regrets about the age I had him. I had a whale of a time in my teens, 20s and 30s. We have no financial issues, I don't need to work, so no childcare costs. I certainly don't feel like the 'old' one at the preschool gates (even though I probably am the oldest one there). Not sure I'd have been ready to have a small person depend on me any earlier in my life tbh still not sure I am 4 years on tbh.

I had 3 between 35 and 40. Ds1 is 5, DD is 3 and DS2 is 9 months. I never wanted children but DH did.
We met when we were almost 30, married 8 months later and waited 4 years because were were just enjoying our life. Then he said he wanted us to have a baby and I knew how much he wanted to be a dad so I said I would have one child.
I couldn't believe how much I loved Ds1 from the minute I found out I was pregnant and then when he arrived I was just besotted. I haven't regretted for a second having all three of them in 5 years at my advanced age

I had my first at nearly 28, second three years later at just turned 31, and I'm happy with my choice. We are in our second house, decent enough, secure jobs with pensions etc. And it means there's room to have a third - DH says no, one reason being he's older and turning 37 this summer and feels he would be too old to have another newborn at 38-39! I'm definitely one of the younger mums at DS1 nursery, but I live in a very middle class area so that's no surprise. My parents are now early-mid 60's and I wouldn't want them to be any older as grandparents.

My older sister made all this fuss about oh people can have babies whenever, all my friends are having them at 38, 39 etc. My mum made the point that there is a higher risk of things like Downs to which my sister just rolled her eyes. Cue her being pregnant this year and having a very high risk Downs Syndrome result on the nuchal screening! Luckily all fine, but that's irony for you.

I think it's one thing to wait until you're older because of life circumstances, like you OP, but I do have friends who have been career and financially comfortable for a while, great houses, much better off than we are (and we're in a good position), in relationships for 10+ years and who talk about children but still no sign. I do wonder what's the point in putting it off for the sake of it.

First at almost 40 and second almost 42 . Both conceived easily, 2nd month and 1st month of trying . Absolutely no regrets . Time for a career break anyway, SAHM until 2nd one started school , solvent , big enough house .

Sorry I meant to @yukka re "fertility rates"

To the OP there are so many factors to this that I think it had to be an individual decision but I would consider:

• Your housing and financial situation. Have you got the bare minimum? How far back would having a baby set your other goals, such as buying a house? When are you most likely to have a generous maternity pay package (is this something you can set up for yourself?). Have you got "insurance" if it does all go wrong/you need emergency support such as generous parents, or room to remortgage etc?

• Relationship. Having children is really a bigger comittment then anything else. I think you're actually better doing it alone than with the wrong person.

• Job. Is there a particular point in your career where having a break would be worse (eg are you better off getting young kids "out of the way" early, or building a portfolio to return to? How easy is it to work flexibly? Also, don't forget it's shouldn't just be your career, talk about what adjustments your partner would/could make.

• How many children do you want, and obviously, how much do you want them (right now and in general)? Is it so important that not having a certain number of children would amount to your "greatest regret"? I don't think you can take your fertility for granted exactly, but it's reasonable to expect to be probably be able to conceive up until the age of 40, and a safer bet still up to 35. Many many people wait until their early to mid thirties and the majority will be absolutely fine. Have other people in your or your partners family had any difficulty conceiving? Do you have other health problems, even simple things like being overweight or smoking. Thinking about fertility treatment deadlines can be one way of "doing the maths". It would take about 2-3 years from starting to TTC to reach the point at which you could start IVF, and you won't qualify for IVF on the NHS if you are over 40. You are only eligible for your first child. You or your partner might also be asked to improve your health before starting fertility treatments. Thinking of the current situation, noone is able to have IVF right now, and those turning 40 this year don't know if their eligibility will be extended or if they will have lost out. Some people are very unlucky with fertility in which case yes, starting in 20s is going to really improve the chances of success, in part by giving time to go through the process of not being able to conceive, having losses, recovering emotionally / taking breaks, investigation, treatment etc

• How do you want to feel re energy health, healing after childbirth etc when having and raising children (generally better of younger, and much more important if you have a health problem already) Vs how mature and ready do you feel, and what do you want to do before you have children. On the flip side, what do you still want to be able to do, after you are a parent to young children?

• The role of grandparents and other family members. Are they going to be involved and support you? Is there a risk of them getting "too old" or unwell? On the flip side, are they working/busy right now and might be more available in a few years time? Is there someone else, a sibling or close friend who might have children around the same age, if you hurry up or alternately wait a bit longer? (and would that be a good or a bad thing for you)

And just to agree with other posters, the advantage was we'd had a good time before we had them. We owned our house without a mortgage because we both had properties when we met. We were pretty comfortably off, I could stay at home with them and we don't have to worry about money for child care. Definite advantages to having them later.

@Rainsun1

Love her to bits but I would say not to do it. Such hard work

@AnnaC2020

Did I read that right? You can't wait to be 40, when your current unborn child will be 20? WHY? Why not enjoy life now? Enjoy being 20, 21, 22, 23 etc etc - don't fast forward to 40 ffs.

I think it depends on how many children you want, and what kind of age gap you would prefer. I had my first at 34, not by choice but because I only met my husband when I was 32. If I’d had it my way I would have had children in my 20s. I’m now 38 and pregnant with number 2. I wanted a bigger age gap as I wanted my older one to be more independent, out of nappies etc. There’s part of me that would like to try for number 3, but that would mean heading into my 40s. Which in a sense is not a problem, and I know plenty of women do, but the older you are to have children, the older you are when they have grown up! It also took me a long time to fall for number 2 which I didn’t expect after an easy ride with the first one, so sometimes how you plan doesn’t always work out.

@MagnoliaJustice because I’ll have the money and time to go on long trips to Australia, India, etc without having to go backpacking and live a life of luxury. I’ll be at the top of my career as will my partner and our only child will be old enough to do whatever the hell he wants. Amazing 👌

I had mine at 37 and 38. I had no maternal feelings at all until I was 35. I have loved every minute of being a mum, even the newborn days. They are 13 and 14 now.

The youngest woman in my ante-natal group was 30 when we met (we're still all friends), so I didn't ever feel like an older mum and still don't as most of my DC's friend's parents are around my age.

Although 33/34 isn’t old to have children, I can’t help but think that if you both know you want children then I’m not sure I would wait. You just never know what problems you may have.

I had mine at 30 and 32, which was just right for us. Had spent my twenties travelling, sorting career and buying a house.

With the greatest respect, @AnnaC2020, that is the most classically teenage idea I’ve seen in some time on here.

@AnnaC2020 hope it all works out for you. Personally I would gave been gutted to miss my 20s with no responsibilities I would like to travel more when my kids are grown but I won't be able to be quite as adventurous/ take risks as pre children. I feel I will always carry the responsibility for them!

I had my first aged 20 whilst training to be a nurse had mat leave then returned vloody hard work. Much easier aged 25 3 bed house and married rather than just dating. I then got sterilised as loads of ppl say u get life bk but then have babies mid 30s anyways beat thing I did get sterilised at 26 lol. I've got a 10 ye old and 5 ye old I'm 30 and it's nice getting life bk couldn't imagine no sleep now and teething etc but load do

@hayfevered care to elaborate?

If you want to have a 90% chance of having 2 children, and you are willing to have IVF, the latest age to start TTC is 31. Without IVF as an option, start TTC at 27. See the table below. If you accept a 75% chance you can start later.

There is no easy answer. In terms of finance and stability, it's better to wait, but no matter how young we feel in our 30s, the truth is that chances of conception do go down. I'm happy to have had my children at 33 and 37, but the second one took longer and more setbacks.

Bear in mind it can take a year for healthy couples to conceive, then your pregnancy, then your age gap. Then you try again, factor in another year for TTC, perhaps one or two early miscarriages which wouldn't be uncommon, especially as the years increase... and all of a sudden your 30s are slipping away. I think you're right to consider that v early thirties is the latest you can afford to leave it if you want a decent chance at 2 children.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4542717/

I started ttc at 29 and due to a whole range of infertility problems didn’t end up with a baby in my arms until 39. Do I wish I had them younger? Sometimes. But then I remember the great strides I made in the last 10 years (being infertile made me strangely more determined to succeed at work and my salary doubled in that time). I have investments, a decent salary, flexibility, and most importantly can give the kind of worry free childhood I didn’t have. Admittedly, however, it has taken me the last few months to accept this. My advice to you and DF would be to visit a fertility clinic and pay to get a thorough fertility check up - this will help you spot any problems you may need to treat before you ttc.

I had my children in my early 30s which was perfect timing career wise for me and DH. Any earlier would have limited both of our careers.

Even in early 30s our parents were not fit enough/ young enough to provide support with childcare. There was a period of about 2 years where they were retired but young/able enough to help and we missed it! I am now ( albeit early) in the sandwich generation. 2 young dc, a mum who needs increasing emotional and practical support and at the peak of my career. It's all been thrown at me at once and doesn't leave a lot of head space.. I wouldn't change my decesion but it's something to consider.

Don't most people follow the pattern that their peers do? I had my kids at 31 & 34 like the majority of my friends, no one had them under 30. If I had done it earlier I would have missed out on lots & then in my late 30s I would be less tired down but my friends would be.

Speaking for myself, I had my first child at 27. I was lucky to own a home with my husband, in a flexible career with high security / protection for my job when taking maternity leave and a good maternity payment scheme. I'm not much of a traveller or party-goer, and was already tied down with demanding career and home ownership - I didn't feel having a child was going to rob me of too many other experiences I would like to have, and actually gave me the chance to take a break from my career and make a change in my life that I wanted/needed. Many of my close friends had / are having children and our relationships have become closer as a result of this. Having multiple children was really important, something I always knew I wanted to do and would profoundly regret if I missed out on. My parents are older and semi-retired, most of my own grandparents died before I could have a strong relationship or many memories with them. I am very fond of my parents and wanted them to have a long and active relationship with my children, with lots of memories. Having a child has been completely exhausting but is a great source of happiness and sort of self esteem actually. It's an identity thing I think. Many, maybe even most people find it uncomfortable or painful to let go of their pre-children identity. I've actually found I like my identity as a parent more than my old self. I recovered physically well from pregnancy and childbirth which is probably more likely at a younger age, but is also just luck - and I suppose if I had been unlucky, I might have found it more upsetting to have negative body changes in "only my twenties".