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AIBU?

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Original poster

My friend is annoyed at me for taking back my ex

243 replies

Fruit1010101 · 23/04/2020 16:49

I am 25 and been with my ex for 2 and a half years. I love him but he has treated me awfully over the years. He's never physically cheated but he's messaged and been on chat sites and dating sites talking to other girls.
I found out by checking his phone. He apologised and i forgave him. A few months after that, i checked his laptop and there were pictures of naked girls (not professional ones, clearly girls who have sent nudes). Once again, i confronted him, he apologised and I forgave him. My friend knows about these.

Anyway, it's been a few months since this and i habent seen him in a month due to lockdown.
I had a message off a girl 3 days ago i dont know her with screenshots of my boyfriend messaging her.
She doesn't really respond to him. He has been trying to message her since December. Nothing outrageous,
Just
"Hi"
Then a month later
"How are you?"
Then a month later
"How are you finding all this coronavirus"

She asks him if he has a girlfriend and he says "yeah", she tells him to stop messaging her and he replies "sorry for everything"
I dont know who this girl is.

I messaged my friend as i was so angry as was she. And my friend told me i shouldve got rid of him the first time i found out what he's like and that he's awful and clearly doesnt respect me. And she said some more things about him.

Anyway i've been avoiding messaging her for a few days as i have forgiven him because he was just trying to message the girl, he wasnt trying to meet up with her.
She asked how i was and i said he knows im angry at him but he realises what he's done.
She's now mad at me saying he'll do it again and hasnt replied to my messages.
Just a bit upset because i love him :(

OP posts:
Warriorforever · 24/04/2020 07:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnaNimmity · 24/04/2020 07:10

oh it's awful seeing a good friend being seemingly so blind and passive and allowing themselves to be cheated on, lied to, even abused. I've been both the friend and the stupid person in this scenario.

I stuck by my friend - she did get free of a very abusive relationship eventually and I'm glad I stayed for her.

I was also in a very abusive relationship where I kept going back - by the end none of my friends would even be in the same room as him (but given his goal was to isolate me, he was probably pleased about that). I know I was frustrating - they would say to me that I must like the drama, or I must have zero self esteem etc. Anyway, luckily for me they did stick with me right to the violent end. I feel fortunate to have such lovely friends, and sorry that I was such a frustrating pain in the arse.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 24/04/2020 07:20

Do you REALLY want this to be your life for the next 30,40 years???

Two personal stories:

  1. I've been the friend... 25 years on... Pal wanted to leave at 18 months... Then left, went back, left, went back.... I've lost count... Is she HAPPY??
No she's bloody miserable.... As this bloke at 25 is exactly the same at 50 and 55....dozens of affairs, children here and there.... That my pal is indirectly working hard to financially support....
  1. I've been the friend here too. Pal married the local bad boy footballer.. Despite many of us pals warning her off as he was bad news! At 18, pregnant, he lied and cheated with MANY other women.... Other children... He had loads of unprotected sex... Always lied about it... She got stis and cervical cancer as a result of HIS promiscuity... But still SHE 'LOVED HIM'... carried on for 10 years... He went off as soon as he found someone he preferred.... Husband number 2...a completely psychopathic individual.....many affairs /lies etc, that was for 5 years.... After they split there were several 'live ins... They all either had one night stands elsewhere, stole from her, defrauded loads of money from her... Generally treated my lovely friend appallingly.

Over 30 years I've been a bloody good friend, I've listened, tried to help..... And on several ocassions rescued her from a violent envt and helped out with finances (that was when the latest bloke plundered all her money from the joint account).

Now? I'm through... It seems I care more about her, than she does.... I can't keep doing this.... I will always be there... But less involved....

LorenzoStDubois · 24/04/2020 07:21

Ya big eejit.
Wasting your one life on this loser.

I feel sorry for your friend, who has been good to you.

Helmetbymidnight · 24/04/2020 07:23

im with the friend.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 24/04/2020 07:25

@Warriorforever you need to start your own thread, when wanting to discuss a separate topic. I hope you get sorted with the cream.

Warriorforever · 24/04/2020 07:31

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily sorry done this by mistake, tried to delete it and didn't know how

CupoTeap · 24/04/2020 07:34

You are an adult and if you are prepared to put up with that, that's your choice. It's also your friends choice not to want to hear you banging in about it.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 24/04/2020 07:37

Do you want kids someday, OP?
It's my belief that the first thing we do for our children is choose the person who will be their father.
Some men change, or aren't what we thought - it can't be avoided. But you know that this one is a useless cunt, who has no respect for you, messages other women, and has almost certainly been shagging other women as well.
I'd advise you to work on your self esteem and self respect, and don't keep putting yourself through the same thing again and again and expecting different results. But I've seen people waste their lives on wastes of space like him too many times. If that's your choice, then it's your lookout. But it's not fair to expect your friends to pick up the pieces time and again when you're just going to go crawling back, and it's not fair to bring children into a dysfunctional relationship with a poor excuse for a father.

CaptainBlunderpants · 24/04/2020 07:37

I’m not sure why you started this thread.

If you talk to your friend the same as how you reply on here (not really listening and bleating ‘But I loooove him’), then no wonder your friend gets pissed off.

TheSerenDipitY · 24/04/2020 07:42

one day you will wake up and realise you have no self respect and wonder why no one warned you what a twat he was and all those friends that you dumped along the way because they refused to agree that he was a total catch wont be there to hold your hand

chunkyrun · 24/04/2020 07:43

Now? I'm through... It seems I care more about her, than she does.... I can't keep doing this.... I will always be there... But less involved....

That's so sad op

PenisBeakerDipper · 24/04/2020 07:50

You’re choosing a miserable life with a waste of oxygen man, I’d be annoyed if I were your friend too. She cares about you. Don’t alienate your friends because he’s only going to do this again.

Chloemol · 24/04/2020 07:53

Ho early posts like yours make me so cross. He’s done this more than once, he is NOT going to change. Where is your self respect? Why are you allowing him to treat you like shit. Dump him. Now

whiskeylullaby2 · 24/04/2020 07:54

Friends like these are like gold dust. Real friends tell you the truth in these situations. Fake friends tend to pacify and agree with anything.

KatherineJaneway · 24/04/2020 07:56

I might not come back on here either as ending it with someone is easier said than done

Yes it is but it is clearly the right thing to do from what you have said.

Your friend is looking out for you, pity you are not doing the same for yourself.

IsolaPribby · 24/04/2020 07:59

You say that he will learn from this. He HAS learnt from this. He has learnt that he can have his cake and eat it, that you are happy to be treated like shit, that he can mess around with no come back whatsoever.

Forget about him learning from this. What are YOU going to learn from this?

Hayfevered · 24/04/2020 08:04

Yeah, I bet he’s ‘learned from this’. What he’s learned is that he can behave badly and you’ll take him back because you had a nice time on holiday in February and you ‘love him’.

You may be cultivating a goldfish memory, OP. Don’t expect your friend to.

Mama1980 · 24/04/2020 08:06

Your friend has you back, she's looking out for you.
She is priceless, he is shit.
Keep her, ditch him, you won't regret it.

HugeAckmansWife · 24/04/2020 08:12

I would, say now is the perfect time to end it. You don't live together I think? So premusably you're not seeing him anyway due to lock down. You can do it by text, no awkward face to face, no risk of being tempted by whatever it is you find attractive about him. Much easier to split now then in ten years with two small kids and a mortgage

onanothertrain · 24/04/2020 08:17

I'm hoping this isn't real as it does contain all the phrases to rile MN. If not, it is your fault, stop telling your friend your woes she haa had enough. Harsh as it sounds, this is of your own making.

Duchessofealing · 24/04/2020 08:28

OP you can’t change people, he won’t change. He knows he can get away with this because you let him. You might love him but he doesn’t love you.
You are only 25 - get out whilst you are able to enjoy your 20s.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 24/04/2020 08:29

He just wants to sleep with as many women as possible and get away with it. You have the opportunity of having a meaningful relationship with someone if you leave him. He probably does not. He will carry on behaving like this, until one day he is a bitter old man.

Are there any of his friends who would be honest with you, or their girlfriends? I'm sure you do not know the extent of his cheating, he's not exactly volunteering information.

triedandtestedteacher · 24/04/2020 08:42

You're a pickmechick. I'd be fed up listening if I was your friend

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 24/04/2020 08:49

You have to decide. Either loving him is enough - in which case stop moaning to your friend about him - or loving him is not enough to make him into a nicer person. In which case, leave him.

Clue: you can't make someone change. Especially not by accepting all the behaviour you don't like!