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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend is annoyed at me for taking back my ex

243 replies

Fruit1010101 · 23/04/2020 16:49

I am 25 and been with my ex for 2 and a half years. I love him but he has treated me awfully over the years. He's never physically cheated but he's messaged and been on chat sites and dating sites talking to other girls.
I found out by checking his phone. He apologised and i forgave him. A few months after that, i checked his laptop and there were pictures of naked girls (not professional ones, clearly girls who have sent nudes). Once again, i confronted him, he apologised and I forgave him. My friend knows about these.

Anyway, it's been a few months since this and i habent seen him in a month due to lockdown.
I had a message off a girl 3 days ago i dont know her with screenshots of my boyfriend messaging her.
She doesn't really respond to him. He has been trying to message her since December. Nothing outrageous,
Just
"Hi"
Then a month later
"How are you?"
Then a month later
"How are you finding all this coronavirus"

She asks him if he has a girlfriend and he says "yeah", she tells him to stop messaging her and he replies "sorry for everything"
I dont know who this girl is.

I messaged my friend as i was so angry as was she. And my friend told me i shouldve got rid of him the first time i found out what he's like and that he's awful and clearly doesnt respect me. And she said some more things about him.

Anyway i've been avoiding messaging her for a few days as i have forgiven him because he was just trying to message the girl, he wasnt trying to meet up with her.
She asked how i was and i said he knows im angry at him but he realises what he's done.
She's now mad at me saying he'll do it again and hasnt replied to my messages.
Just a bit upset because i love him :(

OP posts:
Lockdowneaster · 23/04/2020 19:54

Not only is he a twat, his a creep! You know that guy, who messages relentlessly and makes them selves look really pathetic & desperate? Your boyfriend is that guy. Do you REALLY want to be that guys girlfriend?!

VenusTiger · 23/04/2020 19:59

Have you put a limit on the amount of times you are going to forgive him OP: ten times, 100 times? When you're married, when you're parents, what then? You forgiving him to him is actually you saying "it's fine what you're doing, I'm angry, but carry on and hide it better" - where's the self respect here OP? You love him, but you don't love yourself very much, so how do you expect him to love you too? If you're allowing him to think, it's all going to be okay, every time he goes behind your back for a quick wank online with a real person on the other end, then surely, he's going to keep on doing it.
Please see what your loved ones (your friend who actually does care about you) is saying to you - step outside of the picture and imagine her bf is doing this to her.
Lastly, you only know about the stuff you've discovered - your bf has and is getting away with a lot worse, I assure you!

Mollymalone123 · 23/04/2020 20:04

You are so young! Your whole life ahead of you and you have only been with this ‘man’ for two and a half years- by the sounds of it a lot of that time he was either cheating or trying to cheat- ‘only messaging’ was him trying to cheat again

Get some self respect and get rid of him-you will end up losing friends if u keep making ridiculous choices and they are thinking of your best interests

iano · 23/04/2020 20:08

There's a book called women who love too much. You should read it!
No matter how much you love someone they may never love you back. I feel for you. I'm also sorry for your friend who has to put up with your drama

MoonlightMistletoe · 23/04/2020 20:55

Do what you want and what makes you happy but don't go crying to your friend if and when it all goes wrong.

CSIblonde · 23/04/2020 21:49

Of course he'd meet up with them eventually, if he hasn't already (you've no way of knowing if he has) . He's shown you who he is. People have patterns of behaviour, they rarely ever change. Once is happenstance, twice or more is a pattern. His pattern is chasing other women. He's shown you that over & over. Your self esteem must be on the floor to think this is what you should accept.

crazeelala2u · 23/04/2020 22:07

I recently lost a friend of 20 years by my choice partially for this same reason. Her fiance for YEARS has been talking to other women and sending pictures, abused her children physically & mentally, and just talked so much trash behind their backs. I moved in with her because she said she'd had enough of him hurting her. After a few months of my family living there and us helping each other out, he came back. At that point I told her I won't allow my daughter to witness this kind of abusive behavior, but she kept talking about how he changed. He didn't. I left and I won't have anything to do with any of them because not only was she allowing these things to continue with her grown children, and her new grandson, she was subjecting my family to it, and I have boundaries and don't allow that behavior around me.

She chose him, I chose not to be in her life currently because I couldn't take all the crying and the calls about how awful he was and even when faced with a way to 'escape' from him she just wouldn't do it because she loves him, even though he proves repeatedly he says he loves her but he doesn't. I could not allow my child to be witness to any of that.

I hope you find a way to find your self worth so you don't continue on this yo yo relationship. You deserve better than someone who is basically saying they cannot commit to you.

Tink88 · 23/04/2020 22:16

So your putting up with his shit moaning about him to her then getting back with him and your annoyed at her when she has been trying to support you. I would cut you off

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 23/04/2020 22:36

I used to have a friend like you. I told her to fuck off in the end. I got sick of supporting her, listening to her cry and moan about him, hearing all the disrespectful, nasty way he'd treat her and then he'd buy her some flowers, cry and say he loved her, she'd take him back because he loves me and he swears he'll change. Rinse and repeat. It was exhausting and soul destroying and she never listened to me so what was the point in talking to her? She's still with him now and from the looks of it, he's escalating the violence and she still thinks he would never hurt her 'for real'. I'm out. Cant do it anymore.

Winterlife · 23/04/2020 22:41

You need to get some counselling to get to the root of why you allow yourself to be disrespected by a man who supposedly "loves" you.

Dump him. Otherwise, you will waste your youth in pain on a man who will continue to cheat on you.

Original poster
Fruit1010101 · 23/04/2020 22:52

Thanks for your responses, i know he can be a bit rubbish but i just love him,
We were on holiday in february and had an amazing time and i dont want to throw it away.
He knows im annoyed at him, and hopefully he'll learn from this.
My friend sent me a message basically saying what most of you are saying but i Really cant be doing with it right now,
I'm not going to reply to her for now because ive had a stressful 3 days without people turning on me for something that's not my fauly

OP posts:
Fedhimtotigers · 23/04/2020 22:54

But it is now your fault.

DoIneed1 · 23/04/2020 22:54

See you back here soon Op.

Winterlife · 23/04/2020 22:55

No need to reply, but it is your fault, as you continue to take him back. That is your choice, but if that's the choice you make, then don't complain to your friends when he continues to play you for a fool and texts other women. Learn to live with it, because that's effectively what you're doing.

Original poster
Fruit1010101 · 23/04/2020 22:58

I might not come back on here either as ending it with someone is easier said than done

OP posts:
Lucyccfc68 · 23/04/2020 23:00

He won't learn.

If you choose to stay with an abusive man, who will ensure you have a very unhappy life rather than listen to some very sound advice from a lovely friend, then you are very silly.

If you won't/can't leave him at this moment in time, then at least have a look at the Freedom Programme and use it to help you understand why you go back to this abusive man.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 23/04/2020 23:00

OP, I don't mean to sound rude, but why do you have such low self esteem that you think this kind of treatment is what you deserve? You are young, find someone who won't cheat - because it will happen again, and again.

I think YABU WRT your friend. You can't moan and be candid about your boyfriend then expect her to be happy that you're still with him

GlummyMcGlummerson · 23/04/2020 23:02

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

It is your fault OP. Dump him? Contact your friend. It sounds like she actually cares about you whereas your boyfriend doesn't give a shit.

Winterlife · 23/04/2020 23:02

Sure it's easier said than done. I doubt anyone is denying that. However, you are being emotionally abused. That will get worse with time. How are you going to react when he meets up with one of the women he texts? Assume this happens 10 years down the road, when you have a mortgage with him and babies. Is that the life you want?

AintNoMaryPoppins · 23/04/2020 23:06

He knows im annoyed at him, and hopefully he'll learn from this

Oh god you sound exactly like my friend did.

I'll give you a spoiler... He never learnt from it and it always happened again.

Ginfordinner · 23/04/2020 23:09

know he can be a bit rubbish but i just love him,

That won't make him change the way he treats you.
You behave like a doormat, so he treats you like one. You can't expect him to respect you if you have no self respect yourself.

Every time you forgive him for treating you badly you are giving him the message that it is OK for him to continue treating you like this. He has no incentive to change, so he won't.

Grow a spine and get some self respect, and ditch the waste of space.

saltedtortillachips · 23/04/2020 23:10

I had a friend like this. Her boyfriend cheated on her CONSTANTLY because she didn’t do anything when he did. He would break up with her, go off with other girls and then they’d end up back together.

It’s EXHAUSTING being the friend in that situation. She would phone me in floods of tears after every break up, argument, cheating incident etc and I would play the role of the good friend every time. It gets exhausting giving advice and comforting repeatedly when you KNOW they’re going to keep going back to them. Then they get back together and you have to act like you’re happy for them or you’re a bad friend.

My friend did it because she had self esteem issues and really probably needed some counselling to deal with them. I knew that and I wanted to help but there’s not much you can do when they won’t let you so eventually I stopped trying for the sake of my own sanity!

Starlight1243 · 23/04/2020 23:13

How do you know he hasnt physically cheated. I guarantee he has given the amount of times hes messgadd over woman and on dating sites.

SpillTheTea · 23/04/2020 23:19

Why make this thread when you're clearly so deluded you think she's in the wrong? I can't be arsed to have friends obsessed with shitty men. She cares more about you than you care about yourself.

pallisers · 24/04/2020 00:07

Thanks for your responses, i know he can be a bit rubbish but i just love him

Well you've made your choice. You are happy with a man who is a bit rubbish because you just love him. So stop annoying your friends by complaining about the bit rubbish bit. It is tedious, boring and annoying for everyone if you have decided you are staying with him because you "just love him".