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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend is annoyed at me for taking back my ex

243 replies

Fruit1010101 · 23/04/2020 16:49

I am 25 and been with my ex for 2 and a half years. I love him but he has treated me awfully over the years. He's never physically cheated but he's messaged and been on chat sites and dating sites talking to other girls.
I found out by checking his phone. He apologised and i forgave him. A few months after that, i checked his laptop and there were pictures of naked girls (not professional ones, clearly girls who have sent nudes). Once again, i confronted him, he apologised and I forgave him. My friend knows about these.

Anyway, it's been a few months since this and i habent seen him in a month due to lockdown.
I had a message off a girl 3 days ago i dont know her with screenshots of my boyfriend messaging her.
She doesn't really respond to him. He has been trying to message her since December. Nothing outrageous,
Just
"Hi"
Then a month later
"How are you?"
Then a month later
"How are you finding all this coronavirus"

She asks him if he has a girlfriend and he says "yeah", she tells him to stop messaging her and he replies "sorry for everything"
I dont know who this girl is.

I messaged my friend as i was so angry as was she. And my friend told me i shouldve got rid of him the first time i found out what he's like and that he's awful and clearly doesnt respect me. And she said some more things about him.

Anyway i've been avoiding messaging her for a few days as i have forgiven him because he was just trying to message the girl, he wasnt trying to meet up with her.
She asked how i was and i said he knows im angry at him but he realises what he's done.
She's now mad at me saying he'll do it again and hasnt replied to my messages.
Just a bit upset because i love him :(

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 24/04/2020 00:07

This relationship is going no where. He doesn’t love or respect you. If he did he wouldn’t be putting you at risk of STIs & potentially infertility
Those rose coloured glasses you are wearing are interfering with your common sense
Time for you to grow up

BilboBercow · 24/04/2020 00:11

OP find your self esteem. Your friend is sick of hearing about this guy fucking you over and you letting it happen.
Why don't you believe you deserve better?

RedPanda2 · 24/04/2020 00:11

Don't expect your friend to respond. Have you been a friend to her? Or do you only contact her when he attempts to meet other women and solicit nude photos of them?
'He knows I'm annoyed' honestly you sound very young and I can guarantee this man isn't the prize you think he is. Please have some counselling so the cycle breaks.

copperoliver · 24/04/2020 00:35

Your friend is right, you cannot see it.
He is making a fool out of you, he shouldn't be messaging other girls.
The only reason it didn't go any further than him messaging as she didn't want it to. Wake up. Otherwise you will waste your life with a womanising loser. X

Northernwarrior · 24/04/2020 00:44

Your friend is right op. Your being a bloody idiot. Get some counselling for your self esteem issues.

DilemmaADay · 24/04/2020 01:05

@saltedtortillachips ...Then they get back together and you have to act like you’re happy for them or you’re a bad friend.

100% this!!

OP - I have a friend like you who I've know for 2 years, her bf had broken up with her twice in this time because he "wants to see other people/doesn't love her anymore" it broke her heart. Cue hours of girls nights, hours of chats, tears, shopping trips, wine and film nights etc and suddenly shes off the radar. I asked her if they were back together and she said they were "seeing" each other and she knew I'd judge so didnt tell me. Too right I would bloody judge, this is the person I've invested weeks of my own time into helping you get over, then he flutters his eyelashes and I'm the bad guy Hmm.
Me and friend are on good terms now but when it happens again (when, not if), the girls nights and phone calls will be on my terms and I will not drop everything to accommodate her like I did previously.

I suspect your friend feels the same and probably feels quite used now you're ignoring her

GlummyMcGlummerson · 24/04/2020 01:09

This is precisely why, when a friend splits up with their OH, I wait a good few months before slagging them off and saying "you had a lucky escape". You can't take those words back and I've been in a situation where they've got back together and then I look the prick for calling her beloved all the names under the sun

SinisterBumFacedCat · 24/04/2020 01:32

I don’t know if you read any of the posters on here OP but you came back with a condensed response so similar to some of the posters friends with shit boyfriends, right down to the “but I just love him” that I wonder if you have copied and pasted it.

What is to love, you don’t just love the person, you love the way they behave, the way they treat people, the way they treat you. Do you love how he treats you? Does it send you mad with passion to think he’s messaging random women? Or is it all the drama you love.

Your friend is not the problem here. Your friend is decent.

pallisers · 24/04/2020 01:35

When women on here say "but I love him" I often wonder do they really know what loving someone means. I don't think they do. I think there are a lot of damaged people out there replicating damaged relationship. Unless you have lived in a healthy relationship where love means something you really don't understand how it works. It makes me sad for all these women who just don't know what they should expect

munzero · 24/04/2020 01:36

I have a friend like this. It's exhausting listening the same boy problems over and over. Repeatedly giving the same advice each time - which she appears to take on board. Only for her to go quiet for a few weeks then she pops back up with the same issue over the same boy. 'I know I said I'd ignore him but I thought he changed'. They never change. Know your worth and don't put up with being treated like shit.

UKCougar · 24/04/2020 02:12

Ask yourself this:

Why were you checking his phone and laptop in the first place?

UKCougar · 24/04/2020 02:14

Is he your boyfriend or your ex?

UKCougar · 24/04/2020 02:16

So how does she know you? Why is she messaging you? So much doesn't add up here.

Assuming the subtext here isn't that he's left you and you're the psycho stalker - and hell, even if it is - you need to walk away from this. You're still young and there are many fine men in the world who won't "treat you awfully."

steff13 · 24/04/2020 02:19

He knows im annoyed at him, and hopefully he'll learn from this.

He hasn't so far. 🤷

I'm going to go out on a limb 🙄 and say there's no way he hasn't physically cheated.

He's just not that into you, when someone shows you who they are believe them, etc.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 24/04/2020 02:26

So...... How many times do you think you will need to forgive him before he will learn?
I think it will be more likely that you will learn a lesson here.
Its pitiful.

Samtsirch · 24/04/2020 02:51

Aww glad you love him.
Let’s hope your friend can continue to love you, because god knows you’ll need her.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/04/2020 03:08

It sounds like you're almost phobic about being single, if you're willing to put up with this shit. How can you love someone who treats you awfully. Is your self worth and respect really that bad.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/04/2020 03:46

You are a perfect example of someone who throws a grenade into their own life for the sake of a useless, fuckwit of a man. How sad.

mrbob · 24/04/2020 04:26

it’s not my fault

Well actually yes it currently is. You have the power to change the situation. You won’t change HIM but you can leave him. Otherwise he will carry on cheating on you. However much you stick your head in the sand he is still doing it

mrbob · 24/04/2020 04:26

Oh and I agree. If he hasn’t cheated physically I will eat my shoe

TheyDressedMeUpLikeThis · 24/04/2020 04:38

He will definitely learn.

He will learn that he can do whatever he wants and you will take him back.

Just because you are willing to put him with him doesn't mean she has to/listen to you about it.

VettiyaIruken · 24/04/2020 05:14

Excuse the bluntness but enjoy a life of being cheated on and treated like shit then.

His choices are not your fault but your own choices are. Including your choice to stay with him.
Best to stop moaning about him tbh. You can't make a decision knowing full well what the consequences are and then moan about those consequences.

Picassoh · 24/04/2020 05:19

I am pretty sure some people feed off this kind of drama in their relationship. If I was your friend you wouldn’t be welcomed back with open arms and endless backup when you find the evidence that he has actually physically cheated. Because it won’t stop you from going back for more.

summeriscoming20 · 24/04/2020 05:24

Definitely physically cheated as well. OP stop being blind

AlwaysCheddar · 24/04/2020 06:55

You are wasting your life, being a mug and getting walked over by your ex. Ffs, wake up and get rid.

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