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Original poster

My friend is annoyed at me for taking back my ex

243 replies

Fruit1010101 · 23/04/2020 16:49

I am 25 and been with my ex for 2 and a half years. I love him but he has treated me awfully over the years. He's never physically cheated but he's messaged and been on chat sites and dating sites talking to other girls.
I found out by checking his phone. He apologised and i forgave him. A few months after that, i checked his laptop and there were pictures of naked girls (not professional ones, clearly girls who have sent nudes). Once again, i confronted him, he apologised and I forgave him. My friend knows about these.

Anyway, it's been a few months since this and i habent seen him in a month due to lockdown.
I had a message off a girl 3 days ago i dont know her with screenshots of my boyfriend messaging her.
She doesn't really respond to him. He has been trying to message her since December. Nothing outrageous,
Just
"Hi"
Then a month later
"How are you?"
Then a month later
"How are you finding all this coronavirus"

She asks him if he has a girlfriend and he says "yeah", she tells him to stop messaging her and he replies "sorry for everything"
I dont know who this girl is.

I messaged my friend as i was so angry as was she. And my friend told me i shouldve got rid of him the first time i found out what he's like and that he's awful and clearly doesnt respect me. And she said some more things about him.

Anyway i've been avoiding messaging her for a few days as i have forgiven him because he was just trying to message the girl, he wasnt trying to meet up with her.
She asked how i was and i said he knows im angry at him but he realises what he's done.
She's now mad at me saying he'll do it again and hasnt replied to my messages.
Just a bit upset because i love him :(

OP posts:
BendyLikeBeckham · 23/04/2020 18:16

OP, are you listening to all this advice here?

Your friend has your back irl. Listen to her too.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 23/04/2020 18:16

Forgiveness is a good thing. It's brilliant that you forgive him. But forgiveness doesn't include putting yourself in the way of his bad treatment time and time again!

I follow Jesus' teaching, so I too would forgive him. But I also note that the second commandment says love your neighbour as yourself. I don't think you can love others till you love yourself. Love yourself more, OP! You are worth so much more than this!

yelyah22 · 23/04/2020 18:18

If this isn't a reverse, you're being an idiot.

I've been the same idiot, more than once, and none of them ever changed. All that happened was my self esteem got damaged and I started to associate feeling unworthy and small with love - a damaging, shit cycle it took me years to break.

Do yourself a favour - there are men out there who wouldn't dream of looking at, messaging, or meeting other women, who will adore you and make you feel special, and who will never give you a cause beyond leaving their wet towels on the floor occasionally to complain to your friends. I PROMISE you. They are out there, and all you're doing with this piece of shit is wasting your time.

BeansOnToast4T · 23/04/2020 18:18

Your friend is looking out for you a lot more than your boyfriend!

Amotherof6 · 23/04/2020 18:19

Some people men and women don't leave a partner until they have someone to move onto....

Some people like to be 'liked' or have lots of potentials on the go...

Some people have to be with someone/anyone rather than be alone. If they are not happy they tend not to leave... might mess around/attempt to find someone/fishing on dating sites and not actually dump until the next one is lined up.

I had a male friend like that. He was chatting to me about his 'partner' of 2 years.... he didn't really love her.... didn't really want to move in with her but didn't want to be alone! He said he was 'selling himself short' and thinking of moving in with her so he wouldn't be lonely. He had lived alone for a couple of years whilst dating then met her. She was serious ..I love you move in...he had cold feet but moved in anyway.

I cut all contact with him when he slagged her off to me and came onto me sexually (he said if was lighthearted and 'we are both adults') when challenged. What a dick - why do some men/women do that to their partners?

Beautiful3 · 23/04/2020 18:19

Your friend must be frustrated at you. You've clearly accepted that you deserve no better than a lying, cheating partner. You're daft to continue it. If you want to keep your friendship and your horrible boyfriend, then you have to stop telling her about the horrible things he's done.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/04/2020 18:19

I don't think you realize how hard it is to have a friend like you, one who is allowing themselves to be used and treated badly by a man (or a woman). You have to continually bite your tongue to stop yourself saying "Don't be such a damned fool!". You have to listen to the same thing over and over each time that friend's heart gets broken.

I had a friend like you. I finally told her that we could be friends, but I didn't ever want to hear about her husband or her marriage again. She could no longer cry on my shoulder when he hurt her for the umpteenth time. The friendship fizzled out because she just couldn't seem to talk about anything else so I stopped returning her calls. Her life was consumed with this man and his abusive ways (and cheating IS abuse).

You can expect your friendship to go the same way.

PippaPegg · 23/04/2020 18:20

You're so young. Find someone else, anyone else!

LilQueenie · 23/04/2020 18:21

you just chose a lying cheating scum over a friend. well done. Dump him and maybe you can get your friend back.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/04/2020 18:21

" i have forgiven him because he was just trying to message the girl, he wasnt trying to meet up with her. "

  1. And if she had responded to his messages, he would have tried to meet up with her.
  2. And if she had met up with him, he would have tried to shag her.
  3. The only thing that stopped him trying to shag her was her lack of interest.
  4. His behaviour does not qualify for forgiveness.

Why do you think she messaged you, @Fruit1010101? Could it be that even a total stranger is more concerned for your welfare than you are?

I'm not surprised your friend is annoyed with you. She's probably sick to the back teeth of your ridiculous 'relationship' with this tosser. Tired of hearing you moan about what he does, then whining it's all "because i love him". What do you love about him? What is there about him that is loveable? (I suspect the correct answer is 'fuck all'.) Is it the actual 'him' that you love (you know, the shitty unfaithful 'him') or some imaginary 'him' that you see with your beer goggles Rose-Tinted Glasses on?

In cases like this, I do wonder if the woman somehow overdosed on commercial 'romance' books / films / sleb shit/ 'Wuthering Heights' at a young age. Got groomed into thinking that if it's not tortured and makes you cry and suffer, it's not 'romantic'. And if it's not 'romantic' it's not worth having. This sort of 'romance' is total garbage. It's shit, peddled for centuries to fool gullible women into putting up with shit men.

Just stop it.

Yesmate · 23/04/2020 18:21

I would be annoyed if I was your friend too. He’s a twat and she knows you deserve better. Get rid. He doesn’t love or respect you.

Crayfishforyou · 23/04/2020 18:22

Your friend has had enough of listening to all the 'he's messaging other girls' woes she's had to listen to, and support you in, and decided she can't take it anymore.
OP you have 4 pages all telling you he is a giant douche and needs fuck offing, please please listen to strangers as well as your friend.
He will do it again.
If he isn't already.

Nomorepies · 23/04/2020 18:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

namechange8765455 · 23/04/2020 18:24

Oh my god, I'M angry at you for taking him back too.

Ditch him, keep her close.

dazzlinghaze · 23/04/2020 18:29

I have a friend like you, OP and it's incredibly frustrating. Frustrating to be asked for advice over and over and put effort into giving thoughtful advice for it all to be ignored and frustrating to realise your friend is a mug with absolutely zero self respect.

There's no point in telling you to get rid of him because you won't so my advice to you is to stop telling your friend about your issues with your boyfriend. If you're never going to take her advice then just keep your problems to yourself.

thenightsky · 23/04/2020 18:34

I feel sorry for your friend. I spent last summer being the support for a close friend who was leaving her abusive husband (after decades of being her sounding board). She lived with me for a few months, I helped her financially, I put up with her heavy drinking, I got her appointments with women's aid and solicitors, council for housing etc. I was emotionally drained by October when she finally moved into her own little rented place.

Two weeks later she facetimed me and I could see she was back in the house with him! When I asked why, her only response was 'oh don't fucking judge me, I don't need all that crap from you right now'.

Shock
Porcupineinwaiting · 23/04/2020 18:39

he wasn't trying to meet up with her

So why was he messaging her? Do they share a love of Russian literature or something?

FireandFury · 23/04/2020 18:42

It’s hard OP, I have been in your shoes and I also your friends but you should never feel like you have to avoid her. She should love you irrespective of your decision of who to be with.

Nanny0gg · 23/04/2020 18:47

She should love you irrespective of your decision of who to be with.

Not if you're the one always picking up the pieces.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/04/2020 18:47

I hope for your sake this is a reverse

If not
Where the hell is your self esteem and self respect. You have the absolute right to be treated well in a relationship.

Oh and google “sunk costs fallacy”

bulliedintonamechange · 23/04/2020 18:47

You're being silly (I changed that from another word) he will cheat if he can. He only hasn't because she didn't entertain it. Really not trying to be cruel but have some self respect! You deserve better

CaptainBlunderpants · 23/04/2020 18:48

I expect the OP loves what he was at the beginning and is waiting for him to change (it will never happen).

Pentium85 · 23/04/2020 18:49

What a fool you are

Fedhimtotigers · 23/04/2020 18:50

I dropped a friend like you.
It was to exhausting. And boring. I grew into an adult while she stayed in that useless teen love loop.

DippingToes · 23/04/2020 18:56

I was really sad to read this. Your friend cares about you, but unfortunately everyone can see (apart from you, clearly) that he doesn't.

Your self esteem is on the floor, largely I'd suggest because of his poor treatment of you. It's really sad to see you minimising his behaviour and accepting it as OK. It isn't.

Your friend is right. You need to get rid of him. There's a better future for you out there, and he isn't in it!