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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend is annoyed at me for taking back my ex

243 replies

Fruit1010101 · 23/04/2020 16:49

I am 25 and been with my ex for 2 and a half years. I love him but he has treated me awfully over the years. He's never physically cheated but he's messaged and been on chat sites and dating sites talking to other girls.
I found out by checking his phone. He apologised and i forgave him. A few months after that, i checked his laptop and there were pictures of naked girls (not professional ones, clearly girls who have sent nudes). Once again, i confronted him, he apologised and I forgave him. My friend knows about these.

Anyway, it's been a few months since this and i habent seen him in a month due to lockdown.
I had a message off a girl 3 days ago i dont know her with screenshots of my boyfriend messaging her.
She doesn't really respond to him. He has been trying to message her since December. Nothing outrageous,
Just
"Hi"
Then a month later
"How are you?"
Then a month later
"How are you finding all this coronavirus"

She asks him if he has a girlfriend and he says "yeah", she tells him to stop messaging her and he replies "sorry for everything"
I dont know who this girl is.

I messaged my friend as i was so angry as was she. And my friend told me i shouldve got rid of him the first time i found out what he's like and that he's awful and clearly doesnt respect me. And she said some more things about him.

Anyway i've been avoiding messaging her for a few days as i have forgiven him because he was just trying to message the girl, he wasnt trying to meet up with her.
She asked how i was and i said he knows im angry at him but he realises what he's done.
She's now mad at me saying he'll do it again and hasnt replied to my messages.
Just a bit upset because i love him :(

OP posts:
pamplemoussed · 23/04/2020 17:35

You have a good friend and a bad boyfriend. You don't need us to tell you which one cares about you the most.

Alarae · 23/04/2020 17:37

I've been that friend.

I turned round to my friend and basically said while I support her as a person, I do not support her relationship with her boyfriend at the time.

Essentially I remained civil with him but she knew my stance and we mostly talked about other things.

It is frustrating when you feel like they just can't see something that is obviously wrong. It's a frustrating emotion arising from her looking out for the best for you.

bluebeck · 23/04/2020 17:39

OP. This may sound harsh but there is clearly something really badly amiss with your self esteem and sense of self worth.

Have you ever had counselling for this?

You are a 25 year old adult, not a snivelling 13 year old. Your friend is probably sick of it and I don't blame her.

Work on yourself and hopefully you will eventually realise that you are being treated like a piece of shit.

Butchyrestingface · 23/04/2020 17:40

YABU for posting such an obvious reverse. I know lockdown is dragging on but would a bit of effort kill?

Mummy5hark · 23/04/2020 17:40

Can I ask why you think this he was just trying to message the girl, he wasnt trying to meet up with her. is okay?

I have been in your friends position before, it's extremely frustrating. If you do not want her to express herself in the way she wants in regards to your situation then don't tell her your business.

In my case, it ended with our friendship ending...

Elieza · 23/04/2020 17:40

You love your boyfriend.
He does not love you.

You can’t make him love you.

You can’t make him change his behaviour.

You can’t keep making excuses for him forever. He’s an arse. You deserve better.

Your friend can see that you deserve better. She sees him for what he is.

Even a stranger emailed you to alert you to his disgusting behaviour where he was trying to start a convo with another woman.

Open your eyes. Just coz you love him doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. Leave him. You can do better. Your pal is right. Trust her. Not him.

Gemma2019 · 23/04/2020 17:41

Look please stop kidding yourself. He has physically cheated, probably loads of times. I understand why you want to believe he hasn't but he has. You are so young, please listen to your friend and dump the bastard. You will get into a decent relationship with a great guy and wonder why you wasted so much of your precious time on this loser.

LouLouLoo · 23/04/2020 17:43

I had a friend in the same position as you. I fell out with her too.

He caused her a whole heap of pain and she kept going back for more. Eventually a she started lying to me, saying she wasn’t seeing him when she was.

She found another friend to sound off to. They’ve now fallen out as well.

But I love him is such an irritating phrase. He doesn’t love you. If he did he wouldn’t treat you like shit.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 23/04/2020 17:44

Ok, you love him.

Think about how you behave that demonstrates that love.

Think about how he behaves, repeatedly, to you.

Conclusion: he doesn't love you.

Actually, he probably doesn't love anyone as much as he loves himself.

I bet your friend loves you, though. She'd have to think highly of you to be patient all this time. You may want to listen more to your friend than to the person who treats you awfully, repeatedly.

Inferiorbeing · 23/04/2020 17:44

DP has a friend who non stop goes back to his abusive girlfriend, it's only been 6 months.. it's so hard to hear the exact same issue time and time again and wish better for your friend

MontysOarlock · 23/04/2020 17:45

What a truly lovely friend you have.

Try crawling around on your hands and knees, you have lost your self respect and it is somewhere on the floor. Hopefully you will find it.

I have also been that friend, my best friend and her alcoholic, gambling abusive fiance who treated her appallingly. She got out which was wonderful only to have him back a few months later. I just couldn't remain friends with her.

You deserve so much more. Messaging is still bad. I would ask yourself why you think this is the relationship you should have. You need therapy to find out why.

Namechange4nowt45 · 23/04/2020 17:49

I dont think op is coming back? To much the truth? We aren't your best frein who will cover everything in sugar and tell you it's not your fault!

SeriouslyRetro · 23/04/2020 17:49

I hope you stop mentioning him full stop, for good or bad.

RedDogsBeg · 23/04/2020 17:50

You are a complete and utter fool OP and your boyfriend is laughing at you behind your back, he doesn't love you or respect you. He's not sorry for what he is doing, if he was he wouldn't do it time and time again would he?

I'm not surprised your friend has backed off and is ignoring you, I would too.

It's your choice to live like this and it is your friend's choice not to want to hear about it or have anything to do with it.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 23/04/2020 17:53

Sorry but your a doormat. I ditched a friend for doing the same because i was bored of it. Was constantly oh look what hes done!!! Oh its okay no
Oh we broke up .. Oh no were okay now.

Borrrrrring! People just love drama i swear. No he wont change. He will always message girls whether just for some fun or for cheating.

HillAreas · 23/04/2020 17:56

She cares about you more than he does - of course she’s mad!
My friend took back a cheat who has treated her horribly (I’d say he’s emotionally abusive, gaslighting bastard if I’m honest) and I was furious but now whenever she complains about him I just shrug my shoulders and say “well at least he’s consistent, he’s never changed and you have chosen to stay and accept it”.
It’s so difficult to be honest with her but not alienate her. I even had to have the prick at my wedding. I was so angry at her again for that, although not to her knowledge. Wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire but had to buy him (an expensive) dinner Angry

MissMudskipper · 23/04/2020 17:57

Your friend is annoyed at you for taking him back yet again to only hurt you and it probably upsets her to see this. Your friend clearly thinks ALOT of you....your so called boyfriend on the other hand Hmm

ChocolateQuiltedShitPig · 23/04/2020 17:59

Probably fed up of you moaning to her about him then just getting back to him. It's a waste of her time and energy

Oxfordnono12 · 23/04/2020 18:02

Your friend is being brutally honest with you. You dont want to hear it.

Your friend also needs to understand that you need to figure this out for yourself (he will keep hurting you)

Your lines are blurred on what you believe is a healthy relationship, this relationship will cause you many pain and consequences. This your friends sees. The people around see this before we do but we tend to push them away because "they dont want me to be happy" . She is seeing what he is doing to you- how he is treating you!

What is it that takes you back to him because he has shown you many times that he doesn't mean what he says.
He clearly doesn't value you, he doesn't see your worth and hes a shit.

Evaluate what it is you want. But she sounds like a good friend. Although you dont want to accept that.

diddl · 23/04/2020 18:03

How can you love someone who treats you like shit?

He obviously doesn't love you, does he?

EverythingChanges321 · 23/04/2020 18:04

You’re desperate to be part of a couple and have idealised the relationship so much so, that you’re overlooking his very major flaws.

Honestly, that isn’t love, it’s desperation.

You’re only 25!!!

You will be much happier in life when you’ve learnt to value yourself.

slashlover · 23/04/2020 18:04

he was just trying to message the girl, he wasnt trying to meet up with her.

He didn't meet up with her because she tells him to stop messaging her

EC22 · 23/04/2020 18:06

She doesn’t want to be friends with someone quite so stupid.

ItsABitOfAShitFightMate · 23/04/2020 18:09

I wonder if this might be a reverse?

If it isn’t, then god help you, you’re deluded.

Mulhollandmagoo · 23/04/2020 18:09

he was just trying to message the girl, he wasnt trying to meet up with her

What about all the girls who didn't tell him to stop messaging them? And we're happy to meet up with him or send inappropriate messages and pictures that you don't know about? You only know this because that girl was decent enough to tell him to take a hike and tell you about it.

Leave this idiot, you will lose a really good friend if you carry this on, this guy doesn't love you like you deserve, by your own admission he's treated you terribly! Is this really worth wasting your 20's on? These are the best years of your life