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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my neighbour to remove a song from their playlist?

152 replies

Beautyoftheirdreams · 23/04/2020 11:55

About 3 years ago, I had a premature baby. He was very poorly when born and needed resuscitation and was put on a ventilator for a couple of days. He was in and out of hospital during the first 3 years of his life. He's fine now but I've been diagnosed with PTSD and have been having counselling. I'm managing a little better now but still have struggles, particularly at the moment where my anxiety is heightened with what's going on.

My biggest trigger is the song that was playing when he was born. I can't hear it without being back in the moment and it takes time to recover from hearing it.

My neighbour obviously has it on a playlist and plays it a couple of times a day whilst out in the garden. We live in a terrace so can hear music very clearly which I do not have a problem with but am definitely struggling having this song played so often.

WIBU to ask her to take it off? I'm worried it will make me look entitled and precious. I do know that I can't stop the world listening to this song and don't expect them to but I am finding it hard having it played so regularly and frequently.

Please be gentle, I really don't expect everything to revolve around my feelings, I'm just not sure how to manage this

OP posts:
Hingeandbracket · 23/04/2020 11:57

YANBU Neighbours who make you listen to any of their music are cunts but you have a perfectly good reason to ask them to take one song out of their crap.

Lailaloo747 · 23/04/2020 11:58

I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all. If my neighbour came to me and explained the situation I’d remove the song straight away. I have songs that remind me of an abusive relationship and I hate being in a situation where I have to listen them.

TheBirdie · 23/04/2020 11:58

I think that's fine. Would you share the reason with them?
You are very patient putting up with songs on repeat anyway!

Iwalkinmyclothing · 23/04/2020 11:59

YANBU at all, I'd delete it immediately and be glad you had felt able to ask me to do so.

Beldon · 23/04/2020 11:59

If someone asked me to do this I wouldn’t have a problem in those circumstances.
Your neighbour also needs a bigger playlist or, even better, a set of headphones. Would drive me nuts hearing same playlist twice a day every day

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 23/04/2020 11:59

I wouldn't have any issue with a neighbour asking this of me (I wouldn't be playing music in the garden in the first place though).

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 23/04/2020 12:01

I absolutely despise one of my neighbours, but I would have no issue removing that from my playlist, under the circumstances. It really shouldn’t be a big deal for her.

HollysBush · 23/04/2020 12:01

YANBU. I would hate to think I was upsetting my neighbour like that. Just pop a note through, most people are perfectly reasonable. You don’t have to give them all the details.

Cocobean30 · 23/04/2020 12:02

Yeh you should ask them to remove it and explain why, hopefully they will understand (they would be unreasonable not to)

BacklashStarts · 23/04/2020 12:03

You’d have to be happy to give the reason.

MissHoskins · 23/04/2020 12:05

I don't think that you'd be unreasonable at all to ask them, if they have an ounce of compassion, they'd be pleased to remove the song. I would if you asked me. Music can be very powerful and I'm not surprised at all that you find that particular song takes you back to such an an awful time in your life.
Flowers

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 23/04/2020 12:06

Yanbu at all. I have ptsd from a traumatic birth and it's taken me an absolute ton of cbt to even begin to face my triggers. You could even just pop a note through the door if you don't feel able to do it in person.

Original poster
Beautyoftheirdreams · 23/04/2020 12:06

I don't mind sharing the reason with them, I'm pretty open about it in general anyway.
Thanks for your comments, I'll speak to her later and explain. Hopefully she won't mind

OP posts:
Baileyscheesecake · 23/04/2020 12:07

It is definitely worth asking and explain the reason. It would have to be a very hard hearted person to refuse. I am a widow. My husband was killed in a car crash at the age of 44. A while ago I worked in a call centre and at Xmas the office manager put on a playlist of songs over the office loudspeakers which included “If tomorrow never comes” by Roman Keating. I find it difficult to listen to that song for obvious reasons so I asked him not to play it and explained why. He took it off straight away. Most people are very understanding as long as they know the reason you are asking. Good luck Flowers

ParkheadParadise · 23/04/2020 12:13

Personally I wouldn't ask.

BlueJava · 23/04/2020 12:16

I'd ask them -.unless you have doubts about whether they are an arsehole or not. They could play it more.

Crunchymum · 23/04/2020 12:19

If you are happy to give your reason, then go for it.

What song is it? If you don't mind me asking.

My DC3 was born with a genetic condition (undetected until birth) and we spent time in NICU, as well as the endless (and sadly lifelong) appointments that follow.

I cannot listen to a song that we heard whilst I was waiting to be induced. We heard it in reception and I hadn't heard it for years so DP played it to me a few times in the induction process, at my request. I shiver if I hear it now. It's a very innocuous 80's tune!

MitziK · 23/04/2020 12:23

Forgive me if I'm barking up the wrong tree, but is it possible that this could become a way of desensitising yourself to the song? Maybe by popping some headphones or ear filters on so it's muffled or by making a decision to change what you are doing and do something active and positive for the duration, such as you and your LO hopping like bunnies or something equally silly?

That might help because then you aren't at risk of getting caught by it playing at other locations?

(If I'm talking utter bollocks, then feel free to ignore me, it's just a thought based upon making myself listen to songs I associate with my brother).

Arsed · 23/04/2020 12:27

Lilly Allen’s The Fear takes me back to my sons premature birth and how ill we both were. Strange isn’t it, he’s 11 now and I still don’t like hearing it.

My daughter was prem too and the thing that takes me back to her birth is a certain smell.

Yanbu

Herpesfreesince03 · 23/04/2020 12:40

I’d ask them op. I still can’t even listen to the song that was playing 6 years ago when I put my dog down. I can imagine you being traumatised having to listen to that every single day. No reasonable person would think this is unreasonable

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/04/2020 12:44

I think people don't mind being asked, if you ask in the right way.

I'd gone to the hairdresser a couple of weeks after my DH left me. They had a CD playing and it was one he'd bought me when we'd got together. I just asked if they'd change it and my expression must have been so dreadful (everyone knew what had happened, very small community!) that they took it off there and then and I've never heard it played in there since.

PatriciaPerch · 23/04/2020 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

isitsummertimeyet · 23/04/2020 12:46

you cant ask for someones playlist to be amended because a song brings you bad bad memories.. yes YABU

if a neighbour asked me that I would think they are either losing their shit cos of lockdown or just taking the p1ss and probably wouldn't change my tracklist for them.

opticaldelusion · 23/04/2020 12:46

Of course it's OK to speak to your neighbour about this.

But... what does your counsellor say about avoiding triggers? Usually you're encouraged not to because it doesn't help recovery.

Elouera · 23/04/2020 12:47

They are rude to have music playing that can be heard in other peoples gardens!!! Glad your little is doing better now Flowers