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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my neighbour to remove a song from their playlist?

152 replies

Beautyoftheirdreams · 23/04/2020 11:55

About 3 years ago, I had a premature baby. He was very poorly when born and needed resuscitation and was put on a ventilator for a couple of days. He was in and out of hospital during the first 3 years of his life. He's fine now but I've been diagnosed with PTSD and have been having counselling. I'm managing a little better now but still have struggles, particularly at the moment where my anxiety is heightened with what's going on.

My biggest trigger is the song that was playing when he was born. I can't hear it without being back in the moment and it takes time to recover from hearing it.

My neighbour obviously has it on a playlist and plays it a couple of times a day whilst out in the garden. We live in a terrace so can hear music very clearly which I do not have a problem with but am definitely struggling having this song played so often.

WIBU to ask her to take it off? I'm worried it will make me look entitled and precious. I do know that I can't stop the world listening to this song and don't expect them to but I am finding it hard having it played so regularly and frequently.

Please be gentle, I really don't expect everything to revolve around my feelings, I'm just not sure how to manage this

OP posts:
YinMnBlue · 23/04/2020 12:47

Let us know how you get on, OP.

Any reasonable person would delete immediately.

But...it’s quite inconsiderate to play music all the time in your garden, so I hope she is not generally like that.

Flowers to you.

Rottnest · 23/04/2020 12:49

OP I am so sorry. You are quite reasonable to ask your neighbour to delete the song that upsets you. Ask in person or write a note. Anyone with decency and compassion would do so without hesitation. Best wishes OP

ILoveYou3000 · 23/04/2020 12:49

@isitsummertimeyet have you even read the OP, and the reason behind the request? You wouldn't change it knowing it was causing trauma to another human being?

opticaldelusion · 23/04/2020 12:49

you cant ask for someones playlist to be amended because a song brings you bad bad memories

You absolutely can. In fact, the OP's being accommodating not asking the neighbour to turn the fucking music down to a volume that means others can't hear it.

opticaldelusion · 23/04/2020 12:50

wouldn't change my tracklist for them

What a charmer.

YinMnBlue · 23/04/2020 12:50

I hope isitsummertimeyet is not your neighbour.

Why should half the neighbourhood listen to anyone’s choice of music all day, whatever it is?

Selfish knobs.

LouiseCollina · 23/04/2020 12:50

If I was inadvertently causing someone to recall very painful feelings I’d want to know about it. Yes I think you should tell your neighbours OP, but unfortunately you will have to explain the situation so they understand and don’t think you’re dictating their music choices.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 23/04/2020 12:52

In the circumstances I think it's a perfectly reasonable request, and any reasonable neighbour would remove the track from their playlist.

Sn0tnose · 23/04/2020 12:53

isitsummertimeyet I wonder whether you were one of those people posting ‘Be Kind’ messages on your social media a couple of months ago?

And you can write piss without using numbers.

AmelieTaylor · 23/04/2020 12:54

I'm so sorry for what you went through 🌷 I hope you're getting good help for the PTSD.

YANBUi would happily remove it without knowing the exact reason if a neighbour said it was upsetting them

You shouldn't have to be this familiar with her bloody playlist anyway!! People inflicting their music on others are inconsiderate twats

Snufkins · 23/04/2020 12:55

I think YABU...if the neighbour plays it a few times a day it must be a song they really enjoy and to be made to not listen to it anymore because it offends you isn’t really fair, they can listen to what they like in their own garden.

Maybe when it comes on close the windows and put some earphones on. Lockdown isn’t forever, it’ll have stopped in a few weeks hopefully.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 23/04/2020 12:56

You can’t really tell someone what to do in the garden they own/rent

If you do decode to talk to them you are going to have to explain the reason.

Thing is most songs hold memories for people good and bad, so any song anytime could trigger someone

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 23/04/2020 12:56

Awww no OP YANBU

If I was said neighbour I would remove said song .

Toothsil · 23/04/2020 12:57

Definitely not unreasonable, I had a 27 weeker 10 years ago and certain things still trigger memories of when she was very poorly. I was also diagnosed with PTSD and had counselling but I didn't find it helped, it would have been better if it had been a specialist in the subject but he had no understanding - and I wouldn't expect him to, not having been through it - and it really didn't help me. I hope you're ok and that your neighbour understands. Flowers

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 23/04/2020 12:57

You'd have to be a compassionless twat not to change it in those circumstances. I wouldn't mind a bit.

ViciousJackdaw · 23/04/2020 12:58

Only the hard-hearted would have an issue with this - many of us have specific songs that are just too much so don't feel as though you're being unreasonable. Wishing you all the best Flowers

Sirzy · 23/04/2020 13:01

If the neighbour really enjoys the song they can listen to it in their own house at a reasonable volume.

Any neighbour with an ounce of kindness wouldn’t think twice if they received a polite request like that.

supercee · 23/04/2020 13:03

Triggering songs aside, no decent person should be playing music never mind the same bloody playlist twice a day for all to hear, regardless whether it's 'their' garden or not.

dreamingbohemian · 23/04/2020 13:04

You'd have to be a total jerk not to change your playlist in these circumstances.

I worked in a bar for many years and there were a number of times people would ask us to skip a song that was playing because of traumatic memories, I always did.

Bibijayne · 23/04/2020 13:05

If you're happy to explain, I think asking is more than fine. If my neighbour asked me something similar for the reasons you have described I'd do it in an instant.

GeorginaEstonia · 23/04/2020 13:11

Just wanted to sympathize OP - it took me years to be able to watch certain themes in TV and listen to people talk about their labour experiences.

Desensitizing is something you have to have control over - not be surprised with. I would ask politely and explain your reason. If they have any glimmer of empathy they will respond positively. All the best to you - it does get better with time Flowersx

tootiredtoconga · 23/04/2020 13:11

I think YABU...if the neighbour plays it a few times a day it must be a song they really enjoy and to be made to not listen to it anymore because it offends you isn’t really fair, they can listen to what they like in their own garden.

FFS she's not "offended", she's got PTSD! Not the same thing at all.
Also, OP isn't asking her not to listen to the song anymore. She's asking her not to play it outside, in the garden of a terraced house so her neighbours have to hear it too. She can continue to listen the song as much as she likes as long as she's inside her own house and it's at a reasonable volume.

circusintown · 23/04/2020 13:12

I'd change it there and then if I was your neighbour.

Just explain to her

AlternativePerspective · 23/04/2020 13:12

To be fair if the OP lives in a terraced house then the garden is likely so close that it would be impossible not to hear what is going on in it.

Our gardens are close together to the extent that if one of my neighbours had a stereo out there playing something it would be impossible not to hear it even if it was at a decent volume. Living in terraced houses does mean that you do to an extent have to put up with hearing others living next door e.g. my neighbours both have small children who play out regularly making lots of noise; I cut my grass (both neighbours have paved) If my neighbours are having a conversation in their garden I can hear it from inside my lounge and we’re talking people having a conversation in regular tones not shouting at one another.

So it doesn’t necessarily hold true that anyone playing music in their garden is a twat.

tootiredtoconga · 23/04/2020 13:13

You can’t really tell someone what to do in the garden they own/rent

She wouldn't be telling, she would be asking nicely.