AIBU to ask my neighbour to remove a song from their playlist?

[Beautyoftheirdreams]

About 3 years ago, I had a premature baby. He was very poorly when born and needed resuscitation and was put on a ventilator for a couple of days. He was in and out of hospital during the first 3 years of his life. He's fine now but I've been diagnosed with PTSD and have been having counselling. I'm managing a little better now but still have struggles, particularly at the moment where my anxiety is heightened with what's going on.

My biggest trigger is the song that was playing when he was born. I can't hear it without being back in the moment and it takes time to recover from hearing it.

My neighbour obviously has it on a playlist and plays it a couple of times a day whilst out in the garden. We live in a terrace so can hear music very clearly which I do not have a problem with but am definitely struggling having this song played so often.

WIBU to ask her to take it off? I'm worried it will make me look entitled and precious. I do know that I can't stop the world listening to this song and don't expect them to but I am finding it hard having it played so regularly and frequently.

Please be gentle, I really don't expect everything to revolve around my feelings, I'm just not sure how to manage this

YANBU. Please ask.
If I was your neighbour, I'd remove the song in a heartbeat.
Good luck

Deranged? I'm not sure some posters appreciate the impact of their words when discussing mental health difficulties

I'm hardly banging on the wall screaming at her to turn it off. I'm literally turning myself in knots about how to approach it politely. I wouldn't say that's deranged. But maybe I have a different dictionary

OP you should definitely speak to your neighbour. My DF passed away last year and I now can no longer listen to the song that was playing on the radio when I drove to the hospital the day he was taken for emergency surgery. A couple of times that I've heard the song I've asked for it to be turned off and it's been no problem.

I can’t believe people would ever say no to that request!

I would never say no to that request and I believe very few would.

I, however, would not ask because I have no way of knowing what that, or any particular, song may mean to the person playing it. I'm not going to possibly make myself feel better at the detriment of another person.

It is completely different to not playing the song if asked not to.

I have a several songs that relate to memories in my life. Including my 2 year old daughter's death. I'm not sure I'd police other people enjoying those songs though. I cry pretty indiscriminately when I hear them but I have no dominance over what they mean for different people.

Malvina if someone you knew as a neighbour explained to you the specific reason the op has for asking you not to play a specific song you'd think they were derranged?

That's horrendous and says far more about you than it does about the op.

Have some fucking empathy

I think you should definitely ask her. If someone asked me I would never mind.

Could you keep it light? “Hi neighbour, could I ask a favour while we’re in lockdown? Song X brings back some really awful memories for me and I wondered if you could rest it from the playlist for a little while as it’s caught me out a couple of times hearing it in the garden”

@Malvinaaa81 if someone explained, very eloquently as the OP has done, the trauma a specific song triggered and politely asked you to not play it in their earshot you would think they were deranged? What an utter lack of compassion you must have!

@OP, I had PTSD from a car crash. Jolene by Dolly Parton was playing and I still find it hard to listen to. Don’t beat yourself up for this perfectly reasonable request, I’m sure if your neighbour is anything like most of the kind people on this thread she will be happy to oblige.

Yes I think if you carefully explain then I am sure your neighbour will understand. I understand trauma from things like this - I have a severe childhood illness and recently my own child was going for tests for something similar and I had a week of flashback episodes while waiting for results. It was at that point that I realised I had some sort of buried trauma related to my own illness. I have never in my life had any other mental health problem and so the mind is a funny place. I talked to friends and family about the flashbacks but could tell that no one understood me 😕

I hope your neighbour is amenable to your request. I know I would be.

They’re not ‘cunts’ though for playing music @Hingeandbracket

They most certainly are cunts if they’re playing music loud enough for their neighbours to hear it on repeat!

OP, YANBU at all. I’m not sure who the people who’ve voted YABU are but IMO no vaguely reasonable person would object to you asking this. Would you maybe find it easier to pop a note through their door instead of the idea of a conversation is stressing you out?

OP please ignore the people being awful on here! For some reason this forum always descends into hatefulness, even when it’s perfectly obvious the OP isn’t being unreasonable (as is the case here). I hope you manage to find a way to approach your neighbour about this - I would probably do it by message too as I hate confrontation! I hope she is understanding - it sounds from what you’ve said like she will be. All the best.

I can't believe you've had so many yabus. You're not weak, or odd, and you don't need to just "get over it and focus on the present". Would they say that to a soldier suffering ptsd? It's the same bloody illness with different causes. Some people don't believe in mental illness im afraid. Some of them have happened to post on your thread.

If it was me op i wouldn't get stuck into pleasantries or general conversation - just next time you see her, ask her before you find yourself stuck in a conversation that you don't know how to turn the way you need. Just take a deep breath and say it. I know it's scary. She might be like one of the utter twats on here who used words like odd, deranged or implied you're weak. But the overwhelming chance is that she's a nice person and she'll think nothing of taking the song off the playlist.

Id go with what Thethiniceofanewday said.

I might think they were deranged

If you would think that after having it explained by the OP then it says an awful lot about you.

I think you should definitely ask OP. The way you frame the request might be important here: instead of "Hey, you know that music you play all the time? Well, one of the songs affects me terribly and I was hoping you might remove it", maybe go with "A few years ago when I had DS, it was traumatic . There's one song that vividly takes me back to when it happened - name song - and it's in your garden playlist. All the other songs are absolutely fine, but that particular one sends me to a really dark place and I struggle to get out of it. Please would you mind not playing that one outside? Again, all others are fine". That way the focus is on how your situation has led to the request rather than sounding like an accusation of "Your music is too loud". She might be more amenable if done that way.

Good luck

@Malvinaaa81

Seriously? If your neighbour came to you and politely asked you not to play a certain song in your garden as it reminds them of a terrible incident, the first thing you would think would be 'they are deranged'? Really?

Christ.

Another one who hates their neighbours but I would certainly stop playing a song if it upset them.

Op please text your neighbour. Anyone with a shred of decency would remove it.

You might suffer another day of hearing it if you don’t message at least today.

I would want my neighbours to tell me not suffer.

Dear neighbour,

I'm sorry to write this, I feel particularly awkward.

I just wanted to briefly explain that I suffer with PTSD following Little Johnny's birth. I am receiving treatment for it, but the trauma flashbacks seem very real. I also struggle with the panic that I might have a flashback at any point.

I've since found out that the song Symphony by X is a trigger for those flashbacks, and I notice it's one you enjoy listening to, as I did. Unfortunately it is causing harm to my mental health at this time. Is it possible for you to not play this song outside? I can't escape the sound, and the panic attacks feel quite powerful.

Sorry for such emotional letter, I just needed to explain why I was making such an unreasonable request!"

I'd deliver it with a bottle of wine.

OP you sound like a lovely, considerate neighbour. Definitely text her, I really do not think she will mind. Good luck

If I had a playlist with my first dance on or my walking down the aisle song (so songs that are special to me and are very meaningful and evoke lovely memories) and a neighbour asked me to remove them for your reason OP, I would without a second thought.

I can listen to those songs elsewhere.

Anyone normal would do this. I literally can’t imagine what sort of person would say no.

I think it's about relationships. If you are friendly, take in parcels and chat over the fence, then it becomes possible to have a conversation, 'I had a really bad time when X was born. They almost died. That song on your current playlist brings back such sad memories.' And then out of that relationship, a friendly neighbour will say, 'I never knew. Would you like me to give that song a rest.' I think the difficulty with texts and notes is that they seem controlling. If you are asking a personal favour, then it's better to make a personal request.