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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my neighbour to remove a song from their playlist?

152 replies

Beautyoftheirdreams · 23/04/2020 11:55

About 3 years ago, I had a premature baby. He was very poorly when born and needed resuscitation and was put on a ventilator for a couple of days. He was in and out of hospital during the first 3 years of his life. He's fine now but I've been diagnosed with PTSD and have been having counselling. I'm managing a little better now but still have struggles, particularly at the moment where my anxiety is heightened with what's going on.

My biggest trigger is the song that was playing when he was born. I can't hear it without being back in the moment and it takes time to recover from hearing it.

My neighbour obviously has it on a playlist and plays it a couple of times a day whilst out in the garden. We live in a terrace so can hear music very clearly which I do not have a problem with but am definitely struggling having this song played so often.

WIBU to ask her to take it off? I'm worried it will make me look entitled and precious. I do know that I can't stop the world listening to this song and don't expect them to but I am finding it hard having it played so regularly and frequently.

Please be gentle, I really don't expect everything to revolve around my feelings, I'm just not sure how to manage this

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 23/04/2020 13:54

You could ask your neighbour to comply with your wish, but It's a bit odd really, despite the anxious time that you went through years ago. Your child is ok now, so that's all you should concentrate on now, and not perpetuate the feelings of long ago

You clearly don't understand PTSD.

Lefkosia · 23/04/2020 13:56

You need to have counselling. You cannot ask them to stop playing a song. Its silly. You are stronger thsn that. You cannot go through life like this.

She's not being weak - how incredibly insensitive of you

Lefkosia · 23/04/2020 13:56

Why are there so many people so utterly devoid of human decency on here?

BrigitsBigKnickers · 23/04/2020 13:58

Lefkosia I was just thinking the same thing...

Cocobean30 · 23/04/2020 14:01

Please ignore everyone that does not understand how PTSD works and think you can just forget about your experience. They’re clearly idiots.

Richlyfruited · 23/04/2020 14:05

YANBU - perfectly reasonable to ask although it's still quite a popular song so I do feel for you as I hear it played quite often Flowers

I've been struggling a bit with the whole hand gel/sanitizer thing as it does trigger emotions from when my DD was seriously ill in NICU after her birth. 12 years ago now so these things run deep for a long time.

I hope your neighbour is kind and understanding about this OP

midwesteaster · 23/04/2020 14:05

It is pretty depressing just how many people have no understanding of PTSD and appear to be totally self absorbed tools on this thread.
But they are in the minority OP and face to face with someone they know they would hopefully display more compassion.
Of course you should talk to your neighbor.

CJsGoldfish · 23/04/2020 14:07

Whilst songs can evoke sadness, they can also bring great joy. I wouldn't ask simply because I don't know if that song does that for the neighbour.
Sure, they might feel they should do as you ask but I'd hate to 'taint' a song for someone else. So I wouldn't ask and risk it.
Could just be a song that they like and no big deal to remove, but it could also be something really meaningful to them.

NaviSprite · 23/04/2020 14:11

I hope you manage to ask and get a decent response from your neighbour. My twins were in NICU for 4 months and I still have triggers that take me right back to the worst moments, thankfully I don't recall any music at the time but certain noises still set me off. My twins are 2.5 now and I still get them.

Ignore the couple of unsympathetic posters OP, I wish you well with counselling and hope things ease for you as time goes on Flowers good luck with your neighbour and if you generally have a positive relationship with them, I can't see how such a request could be taken in any negative way.

MrsSnitchnose · 23/04/2020 14:15

I'd remove it for you if you asked me. I've always had a very deep connection with music, and I'm well aware of it's power to evoke emotions.

I'd hate to think that I was causing trauma to someone else

thenightsky · 23/04/2020 14:16

YANBU at all. There's a George Michael song from 1986 that makes me run from the room or leap to turn the radio off. Even after all these years I can feel the panic rising and my heart starting to pound, whistling in my ears and cold sweat starting at the opening bars of music.

It relates to a very similar scenario as the OP.

Blacksndwhitecat01 · 23/04/2020 14:21

Why should you listen to any of her playlist in the first place?

EastMidsMumOf1 · 23/04/2020 14:24

I still suffer PTSD now from sexual abuse I faced 10 years ago and there was 2 songs that I remember vividly. Alicia Keys - try sleeping with a broken heart was the main one as it was being played everywhere at the time, it took many many years to be able to listen to that without reliving alot of what happened BUT I did try and force myself to listen to it as avoiding triggers completely isnt recommended.
Have you been offered EMDR treatment? You sound like you would benefit from it OP.

tillytoodles1 · 23/04/2020 14:24

When we got back into the car after my mum died, Road Rage by Catatonia was on the radio. Even now, after twenty years, it still makes me cry as it takes me right back to that moment.

GreenerGreen · 23/04/2020 14:26

Write a kind letter explaining. They'll understand I'm sure x

ScreamedAtTheMichelangelo · 23/04/2020 14:31

One million per cent YANBU. I don't play music outside but if I did I'd do this in a heartbeat for anyone. Please ignore the posters who don't understand PTSD. Flowers

IamHyouweegobshite · 23/04/2020 14:33

I can completely understand this, and if you asked me I would immediately change it. I have the same feeling of fear and sickness come over me when I head Everything but the girl, Missing, I only have to hear the start of those awful lyrics I'm with an abusive ex who raped me. This was over 25 years ago.

Deepmidwicket · 23/04/2020 14:36

FFS some of you on here really need to come out of the 1950s with your attitudes.

I would not mind at all op and would feel glad you felt able to ask me

Theflushedzebra · 23/04/2020 14:38

I'd be happy to remove a song from a playlist that caused this sort of trigger, OP.

Music does have a way of taking you back to times past. I can't listen to that EMF Unbelievable song without it taking me back to University, and a heartbreaking (at the time) break-up with a boyfriend.

Ohtherewearethen · 23/04/2020 14:42

Gosh some people on here are ghastly. A trigger for PTSD is not a choice nor a silly weakness. OP's home should be a safe space for her, not somewhere where she can't opt out of triggers for PTSD. As far as I know, not listening to a song you like in your garden doesn't trigger PTSD. It's antisocial to inflict your music on others when they should be able to enjoy their homes and gardens in peace. If you were my neighbour I'd be mortified that my actions had caused you distress and would stop the music immediately. Best wishes, OP.

Justaboy · 23/04/2020 14:43

if i were your neighbour?, no problem! well we do have aorund 20,000 odd tracks avaible so no problemo, and if theres any you might like to hear then let me know:)

scarbados · 23/04/2020 14:44

Every song played on tv or radio will trigger something for someone. Do we ban all music in case it upsets someone?

TrickyKid · 23/04/2020 14:45

If you were my neighbor if be fine with that.Yanbu

Feedingthebirds1 · 23/04/2020 14:45

I think YABU...if the neighbour plays it a few times a day it must be a song they really enjoy and to be made to not listen to it anymore because it offends you isn’t really fair,

Well if I was the neighbour (which I wouldn't be, because I don't play music in the garden) I would consider that my enjoyment was far less important than the OP's distress. I can listen to it in the house if it's that important to me.

They can listen to what they like in their own garden - but unless they have an enormous thick wall, it doesn't restrict itself to their garden.

You cannot ask them to stop playing a song. - yes she can.

Its silly. - no it isn't.

Please ask her OP. She'd have to be an arse of the highest order to be offended.

Puddlesplasher · 23/04/2020 14:45

YANBU at all. I would go round and have a chat with her and explain. If you were my neighbour I would want to know if something I was doing was causing you distress.

I spent a week in intensive care after major emergency surgery. There is a certain perfume that one of the nurses must have worn. I don't know what the perfume is but I have smelled it on people from time to time and it instantly makes me feel sick and panicky. I know that if I ever worked with someone who wore that perfume I would not be able to cope so I can understand how hearing the song makes you feel.

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