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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my neighbour to remove a song from their playlist?

152 replies

Beautyoftheirdreams · 23/04/2020 11:55

About 3 years ago, I had a premature baby. He was very poorly when born and needed resuscitation and was put on a ventilator for a couple of days. He was in and out of hospital during the first 3 years of his life. He's fine now but I've been diagnosed with PTSD and have been having counselling. I'm managing a little better now but still have struggles, particularly at the moment where my anxiety is heightened with what's going on.

My biggest trigger is the song that was playing when he was born. I can't hear it without being back in the moment and it takes time to recover from hearing it.

My neighbour obviously has it on a playlist and plays it a couple of times a day whilst out in the garden. We live in a terrace so can hear music very clearly which I do not have a problem with but am definitely struggling having this song played so often.

WIBU to ask her to take it off? I'm worried it will make me look entitled and precious. I do know that I can't stop the world listening to this song and don't expect them to but I am finding it hard having it played so regularly and frequently.

Please be gentle, I really don't expect everything to revolve around my feelings, I'm just not sure how to manage this

OP posts:
ZarkingBell · 23/04/2020 14:46

I live in a terrace. I would be mortified if I was having this impact on a neighbour and would delete the song from my playlist.

Sorry you are having to go through this Flowers.

ILoveYou3000 · 23/04/2020 14:47

@scarbados where has anyone said anything about banning music?

Michelleoftheresistance · 23/04/2020 14:48

I'd be only too glad to take it off the playlist if it was me. So sorry you suffer with this OP Flowers

Cherrysoup · 23/04/2020 14:48

And while you’re at it, tell her you don’t want to hear her stupid bloody music, the selfish cow.

Notredamn · 23/04/2020 14:48

People who blast music out aren't reasonable. Request them to pipe down generally, that way you don't have to give sensitive info out to wankers.

LolaSmiles · 23/04/2020 14:53

Some of these replies are dreadful. What happened to compassion and human decency?!

There's a real nastiness behind the 'i can do what I want and the hell with anyone else' mentality.

OP YANBU at all and if I were your neighbour I'd remove it or not play it if there's doors/windows open.

Baconisgoodformeee · 23/04/2020 14:57

I can’t believe people would ever say no to that request!!!

First of all it’s slightly rude to blast your music so someone can hear it second hand. And secondly, if they politely and calmly ask that you remove one single song as it’s upsetting for them, how hard is it to say oh ok fine... wow some people!!

EL8888 · 23/04/2020 14:57

Personally l think you shouldn’t be able to hear their music or even make out what the songs are. They sound like nightmares neighbours!

EL8888 · 23/04/2020 15:00

Good luck with it all OP. As you have said desensitisation needs to be done in a planned, controlled and supported way. Not by your neighbours blaring music morning, noon and night

YouokHun · 23/04/2020 15:32

You could ask your neighbour to comply with your wish, but It's a bit odd really, despite the anxious time that you went through years ago. Your child is ok now, so that's all you should concentrate on now, and not perpetuate the feelings of long ago

Jeez, please go and do some reading about PTSD, it’s not “feeling a bit anxious”, it’s not a case of saying “it’s OK now so I won’t think about it”. There’s a big difference between a bad memory and a flashback.

OP, you talk about a counsellor, I hope you’re getting the best evidence based help (EMDR and TF-CBT), counselling as such (conversation, exploration, more open ended discussion is not really as helpful). I think it’s absolutely fair to ask your neighbour and it’s good you’re willing to be open so she can properly understand. Good luck with your recovery OP.

Macncheeseballs · 23/04/2020 15:37

Offer them some headphones - feckers

Miriel · 23/04/2020 15:42

YANBU. If I were your neighbour I'd be sorry that I'd accidentally caused you distress and would avoid playing it where you might hear. Even if it were one of my own favourite songs - easy enough to listen to it quietly indoors instead.

If your neighbour is a decent person, they'll understand.

Original poster
Beautyoftheirdreams · 23/04/2020 16:12

Thank you, I will definitely speak to her. I feel bad, she's a nice neighbour and I don't consider her inconsiderate at all, there's nothing separating the gardens to stop sound travelling and I'm sure we are just as noisy to them. There's always been back and forth between us worrying about our noise levels and I never usually hear them, I think it's just with the lockdown and nice weather, we're all outside more and so I'm hearing the music they play. I don't want them to stop their enjoyment of their garden, the music isn't blaring and I don't mind it. It's just this one track.
Just writing about it has been difficult.

OP posts:
TryingToBeBold · 23/04/2020 16:14

I would be more than happy to remove it for you.
I'd be glad you asked.

All those idiots saying to stop being offended, or silly, or get over it or that you're being unreasonable..

Would you say the same to a 90 year old man who is petrified of fireworks and wants to ask them to stop (aside from the typical NY and Bonfire night) because the explosions trigger his PTSD caused by bombs in the war.
Would you say "yeah but you're alive now".

Carolduckingbaskin · 23/04/2020 16:27

Bless you - I would remove it - no problem. But - music is a weird thing, what’s a trauma for you may be someone else’s wedding song for example so it’s tricky to broach.
If she’s usually nice, am sure she’ll have no issue at all.

YinMnBlue · 23/04/2020 17:51

OP, you clearly have a good relationship with your neighbour and your easy going approach to music and everyday sounds will demonstrate that this is not a fussy nitpicking request. You sound a lovely neighbour and hopefully your neighbour will be the same.

And even if she is as ill educated / unaware about PTSD as some posters here, hopefully she will not be so lacking in empathy that she would not listen and take your word that it is a real issue for you.

Get this bullet bitten and dealt with so that you do not have to feel anxious in anticipation for another day..

Flowers
YinMnBlue · 23/04/2020 17:53

Even if it was my wedding song I would remove it... and play it indoors / with headphones.

Not enjoying nice memories is not the equal opposite of having a PSTD attack. In terms of playing music which is audible all day to your neighbour.

TeetotalKoala · 23/04/2020 18:07

I live in a terrace, so we all hear each others music, so I understand how easily it's done.

Have you spoken to them? I'd change my playlists if my neighbours explained. I can't listen to Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton as it was played as we followed my nephew's coffin when we arrived at the church.

Sending Flowers

Original poster
Beautyoftheirdreams · 23/04/2020 19:27

Thanks for the lovely messages. I had a chat with earlier about general stuff, I couldn't bring myself to bring it up though. I will try again tomorrow in a message form, that might be easier Blush

OP posts:
springydaff · 23/04/2020 19:39

Poor you Flowers

I do know what you mean. I can't bear the song "I wasnt expecting that". Apart from the words being sentimental twaddle it takes me back to having cancer - not as if that song was playing anywhere at all during my cancer 'journey' ffs it just triggers the shock of having cancer.

I have to leave a shop immediately if it comes on. And it's not even a direct link! So it's completely understandable you'd find it really difficult.

There's another song I can't bear because it links to an immense shock when I was young. I hope you manage to talk to your neighbour and I really hope she's kind xx

Fromthebirdsnest · 23/04/2020 20:38

I find it hard to listen to small bump by ed sheeran because I've suffered baby loss and multiple miscarriages and it reminds me very much of it , is hate to be.forced to listen to it go ask her to take it off , I'd apologise and take it off x I'm sorry you had an awful time and I'm very glad your lb is ok now 💕 x

TryingToBeBold · 23/04/2020 20:43

@Fromthebirdsnest

It was extremely hard listening to that for a good couple of years.
Flowers

Malvinaaa81 · 23/04/2020 21:09

I really don't know what would happen if you asked for this.

If someone asked me to do this- not that I have playlists and play them loudly for neighbours to hear-I'm afraid I might think they were deranged, especially if I had little contact with them up to that point.

Look at it from an outsider's point of view.

Ceebeegee · 23/04/2020 21:24

I'd ask them, YANBU.
I'm friendly with my neighbour--there's a song that she's asked me not to play (we socialise, pre lockdown obviously) because it reminds her of her mums funeral. It's an absolute non issue. I simply don't play the song whenever she's around.

TheBigFatMermaid · 23/04/2020 21:27

It is such a little thing to ask of your neighbour and it is such a big thing to you. Explain as you have here and you're sure to receive understanding.