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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my neighbour to remove a song from their playlist?

152 replies

Beautyoftheirdreams · 23/04/2020 11:55

About 3 years ago, I had a premature baby. He was very poorly when born and needed resuscitation and was put on a ventilator for a couple of days. He was in and out of hospital during the first 3 years of his life. He's fine now but I've been diagnosed with PTSD and have been having counselling. I'm managing a little better now but still have struggles, particularly at the moment where my anxiety is heightened with what's going on.

My biggest trigger is the song that was playing when he was born. I can't hear it without being back in the moment and it takes time to recover from hearing it.

My neighbour obviously has it on a playlist and plays it a couple of times a day whilst out in the garden. We live in a terrace so can hear music very clearly which I do not have a problem with but am definitely struggling having this song played so often.

WIBU to ask her to take it off? I'm worried it will make me look entitled and precious. I do know that I can't stop the world listening to this song and don't expect them to but I am finding it hard having it played so regularly and frequently.

Please be gentle, I really don't expect everything to revolve around my feelings, I'm just not sure how to manage this

OP posts:
PurpleChevron · 23/04/2020 13:13

If its any consolation I feel the same about a certain song. My dad died when I was 8 and my mum used to listen to "its real love" on repeat by the Beatles on the car journeys home from the hospital/Hospice.

I HATED that song wish a passion. The words would churn in my tummy like sour milk. I have managed to avoid it until a few Christmas's ago John (fecking) Lewis decided to use it as their Christmas song and BOOM it was everywhere. The first time I heard it I went week at the knees and nearly threw up. I dreaded having the TV on because it kept coming on. I kept telling myself I needed to get over it and that I was being ridiculous but no matter what I did I hated that bloody song.
Even thinking about it now has made tears stream down my face and like you I can hear it playing note by note, word for word in my head.

Anyone with an ounce of compassion will understand and remove it from their play list.
I'm really glad your little one is ok. Take care. x

Mammatino · 23/04/2020 13:13

Of course yanbu.

Original poster
Beautyoftheirdreams · 23/04/2020 13:17

Thank you. Just to answer a few questions. The song is Symphony by Clean Bandit

It's not so much that it triggers a 'bad memory'. It triggers a PTSD episode which transports me back to that moment, is extremely distressing and takes hours to fully recover from. That being said, I really don't want to seem self centred and expect the world to flex to me which is why I've been conflicted about asking.

Yes, I absolutely do need to deal with it and I know there will always be times I hear that song unexpectedly but this is a couple of times a day, every day which is different. I'm anticipating it now and it's hard to relax or be outside comfortably.

Yes there is a case for desensitisation and I have been working on that with my counsellor but that's in a controlled environment and I have time to work through my feelings with her. I need to be able to look after my toddler and home school my eldest plus work as a key worker through the week.

I do appreciate the feedback

OP posts:
RUSU92 · 23/04/2020 13:17

Music is known to be one of the most evocative things (along with smell) and is probably why we get so attached to particular songs. Anyone who really appreciates music will understand why this is difficult for you, and if they’re a half decent person (unlike some on here!) they will have no problem removing that song from their very public playlist! If they desperate need to listen to it they can do so with headphones and think themselves lucky that you’re not asking them to turn it down full stop. Flowers

LunaLula83 · 23/04/2020 13:19

You need to have counselling. You cannot ask them to stop playing a song. Its silly. You are stronger thsn that. You cannot go through life like this.

cheeseislife8 · 23/04/2020 13:20

YADNBU OP. So sorry this happened to you Flowers

oakleaffy · 23/04/2020 13:22

Nobody should be sharing their taste in music with neighbours or anyone who is in the vicinity..Headphones all the way.
Music is a powerful trigger of emotions, so you are not being unreasonable.

NekoShiro · 23/04/2020 13:24

Now is not the time to be trying to get over something like that, ask her to remove it, you're trapped in your house and have to listen to it this isn't some one off time you've heard it played and asked them to stop from that, it's clearly causing you distress and if someone came to me like that then I would have no issue taking it out

Original poster
Beautyoftheirdreams · 23/04/2020 13:28

I AM having counselling, I've mentioned it several times

The gardens are very close, she's not inconsiderately blasting music, it's just that it's very audible in our garden. As I'm sure our noises are to her

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 23/04/2020 13:28

You cannot ask them to stop playing a song. Its silly.

Don't be ridiculous, of course OP can ask. It's not 'silly' either.

OP if you asked me, I'd take it off my playlist without another thought.

1forAll74 · 23/04/2020 13:29

You could ask your neighbour to comply with your wish, but It's a bit odd really, despite the anxious time that you went through years ago. Your child is ok now, so that's all you should concentrate on now, and not perpetuate the feelings of long ago.

stardance · 23/04/2020 13:30

If you were my neighbour I would not hesitate to remove the song.

I hope your neighbour agrees and I hope you're ok. Under 'normal' circumstances it wouldn't be as much of an issue, but with so many people at home, she's playing music more and you're there more to hear it.

XylophoneSymphony · 23/04/2020 13:32

I understand OP, you could maybe pop a note through to explain ?

With my first when I was pregnant I wore Clinique happy perfume, that little one didn’t make it, lost under quite awful circumstances and if I ever smell that perfume now I’m an absolute wreck within seconds it’s like it flicks a switch in my mind

Stephie0x3 · 23/04/2020 13:33

Personally if I was the neighbour and you explained this to me, I’d want to be able to help you by removing the song. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all Flowers xxx

ILoveYou3000 · 23/04/2020 13:33

@Beautyoftheirdreams you're not 'silly' for asking at all! Anyone who thinks you are seriously lacks compassion.

You're not demanding she never listen to the song again or dictating what she is allowed to listen to, you're making a very reasonable request that she not have the one song playing regularly where you can hear it, because of how much impact it has on you.

Hopefully your neighbour has more compassion than some of the posters on here.

Sweetpotatoaddict · 23/04/2020 13:35

If you approached me I would remove it without hesitation. I’d be glad you approached me.

I do agree that you shouldn’t have to listen to anyone else’s music, however I find that even music playing inside with an open door travels through the garden.

minisoksmakehardwork · 23/04/2020 13:37

There is no harm in asking, but be mindful that a song which has traumatic memories for you might have wonderful memories for another person. As a compromise if they refuse, maybe ask for it only once so you know once you have heard it, you won't be waiting for it to come on again.

GabsAlot · 23/04/2020 13:39

My exbil played a song that he knew triggered me a week after my dmum i asked him to turn it off he went mental

never liked him after that-my sympathies with you op

Bloomburger · 23/04/2020 13:39

If my neighbour asked me I'd feel dreadful that I'd been causing her pain and would be extremely mindful to never play the song at home again regardless of what memories it triggered in me.

Please just ask her, I can't imagine you'd receive anything except sympathy and understanding.

Xx

Gruffawoah · 23/04/2020 13:45

Its absolutely reasonable to ask, if they really want to listen to it they can use headphones. Yes, it is their property, but it's not a big ask to just not play one song in the garden. It's annoying when people play it anyway, let alone when it triggers this for you and there is no escape.

ChateauMargaux · 23/04/2020 13:45

@1forAll714 That's not how trauma works....

@Beautyoftheirdreams I am sorry you are triggered by this song and I hope that one day you can find a way to release yourself from this. Flowers

You are not unreasonable to ask your neighbour. These are strange and stressful times and I hope your neighbour will be understanding.

diddl · 23/04/2020 13:47

I'd probably ask first if they could play their music so that you can't hear it.

I sometimes have music on with the door open when I'm just outside.

Neighbour does the same.

I can hear that they have music on (if I don't), but that's it.

Hopefully it's the same for them.

I'd hate to think that they could hear it well enough to sing/hum along with it!

VettiyaIruken · 23/04/2020 13:50

I think you should ask.
Only a first class twat would say no to that request.
I wouldn't want to know my song choice was causing my neighbour such distress and nor, I hope, would anyone who wasn't devoid of an ounce of humanity.

fartingsparkles · 23/04/2020 13:54

OP that's a song that i find difficult to listen to as well. It was popular when late DH was diagnosed with cancer and he couldn't listen to it. I can just about 'tune it out' if I am in public, but I would definitely ask your neighbour to take it off the playlist (or listen using headphones).

boredinthehouseinthehousebored · 23/04/2020 13:54

Of course you can ask. It's completely reasonable. You'd have to be a complete dick to want to keep playing a song that caused someone distress.