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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Resentful of DH WFH - anyone else?

179 replies

Becomingbatshit · 22/04/2020 16:33

I’m a SAHM and DH is WFH. Of course this means that it’s fair for me to wrangle our hell raising toddler etc. It’s just that I am watching him, pregnant and tired as I am, doing my best to entertain a very bored and pissed off child, sitting nicely in his chair and drinking coffees all fucking day long and it’s giving me serious rage. Yes IABU, I know. But does anyone want to BU with me?! I wish I could be sitting all bloody day with a nice beverage and reading the FT online/doing some work.

This is lighthearted...sort of....

OP posts:
Sparklingplasters · 22/04/2020 22:33

I am WFH, it’s full on and I’m frazzled, I have set the alarm clock an hour earlier to try to catch up, I pop onto mumsnet when making drinks, food, going to the loo and other than that it’s full on from 0830 to 630pm then I do dinner, it’s awful listening to my DC being homeschooled, really badly by their impatient father who seems to be resentful that he has been furloughed. I would swap in a heartbeat

greyprincess · 22/04/2020 23:17

Yabvu. Working from home is hell. I work hours more every day than before and I'm massively irritated reading about everyone's walks/runs/crafts/cakes.

Busymum45 · 22/04/2020 23:25

I don't think you should be resentful, he's working which is good and earning money. Bet he would love to spend more time with the kids?

blueshoes · 23/04/2020 00:36

OP, if you love being at home, this is what you signed up for, isn't it?

Could it be that the division of roles is stricter in your household than where both parents work. Maybe your dh has internalised that.

LovePoppy · 23/04/2020 01:04

OP, if you love being at home, this is what you signed up for, isn't it?

We didn’t sign up for not being able to go out/shopping/parks/play dates/home schooling.

This is a new fresh level of hard

keepingbees · 23/04/2020 07:31

Yabvu. Working from home is hell

It's certainly not hell for my DH, he's quite happy to bury his head in his interesting job rather than deal the chaos of 3 bored DC.
And there's only so much baking, crafting and entertaining you can do for 12 hours a day, day in day out.

Namenic · 23/04/2020 07:36

Haha - I look after kids in morning and work 4pm-midnight. Work is the most relaxing part of the day! But my job is chill.

Original poster
Becomingbatshit · 23/04/2020 07:44

Are people missing the bit in my OP where I openly acknowledge IABU!? I KNOW IABU! But, like many others on here, feelings and rational thought don’t always go together.

Now it’s just me and the kids all day every day, trying not too make too much noise as DH has calls

This is spot on too - there is an additional layer of pressure here. As our downstairs is not finished, we do not have any doors and my husband’s office is not useable anyway. He’s literally working from the playroom. It’s mega stressful trying to ensure DS is out of the room or quiet during calls (and of course he doesnt want to be out of the room!)

OP, if you love being at home, this is what you signed up for, isn't it?

This is silly, isn’t it? We are in the middle of a pandemic and no one has experienced this before. Of course I didn’t sign up for being stuck at home with a bored toddler for weeks on end. Usually I love being a SAHM because we have a full and busy day - lots of socialising for both of us and activities/classes. It’s completely different than this. Tbh even just small
Things like going to a cafe for lunch 1/2 a week so I don’t have to cook what seems like 199000 meals!

@keepingbees

Exactly! Whether or not WFH is hell depends on the job. I could post on SM photos of stuff we do during the day and it would
Seem like we are doing all these wonderful things but the reality is I am
Doing them to feel less guilty/try to involve DS, who has 0 interest in anything I’m
Doing anyway! Eg baking a cake. Which sadly only takes up 15 minutes of time anyway 😭 (at least in the end there is cake)

OP posts:
Spanneroo · 23/04/2020 08:11

Yesss!

I have a 5yo (home schooling her), a 2yo who is incredibly high energy, and 3mo EBF twins (who are teething rn). I never ever stop. Day or night. I am stretched unbearably thin and, added to that, we are in a (supposed to be temporary) 2 bed flat with no garden. DH is working in the bedroom with a hot cup of tea which he can drink at perfect temperature. He has full conversations with actual adults. And he gets to exercise at his speed, rather than going at toddler pace and spending the entire time refereeing between DD1 and DD2 who are extra irritable because of the restrictions on outdoor time. I am up at least 3-4 times per night too (and with all the teething, that's a good night!)

He 100% has this easier than I do. For sure. And I have to watch it!

Original poster
Becomingbatshit · 23/04/2020 11:39

@Spanneroo

I don’t even know what to say to
That! Sounds like you’re superwoman to me 😱 I know on MN this sort of comment isn’t allowed and everyone takes it as patronising but well bloody done! I can’t even begin to imagine!

OP posts:
QuestionMarkNow · 23/04/2020 12:06

I’m wondering why when two people are WFH, then the father only does that but somehow the mother is supposed to look after the dcs, do some homeschooling, keep the house quiet AND WFH......

Id strangle my DH if he was doing that!!

Tootletum · 23/04/2020 12:09

Totally get it but try this on for size: we are both working full time from home. I earn twice as much money. I also, apparently, make all the food, feed and dress out there kids and stop them interrupting his calls. I'm on a billable hours contract and have to carry on working after dinner to make up the time I lose in the day, while he sits on the fucking sofa. Still pissed off?

Tootletum · 23/04/2020 12:10

Sorry that should say our three kids.

EmbarrassedUser · 23/04/2020 12:14

Work has definitely calmed down for me (MOD) I wouldn’t be surprised if he had more time than he’s letting on to come and help you. I had a snooze in the garden yesterday for an hour and no-one noticed. That was before lunch, where I took 90 minutes. Bliss. I just don’t have the work to do.

LaurieMarlow · 23/04/2020 12:16

but somehow the mother is supposed to look after the dcs, do some homeschooling, keep the house quiet AND WFH

I don’t know why anyone would be putting up with that.

We have a rota. I work uninterrupted in the morning. DH in the afternoon. Calls/meetings outside of set hours are negotiated.

We do early morning and evenings as needed to meet deadlines.

Quite how single parents are managing, I dont know. The burden on them is dreadful.

LaurieMarlow · 23/04/2020 12:17

It’s hard to know how much people have on.

Some are totally manic, fielding far more than usual, with much less support. For some the work is tailing off.

Spanneroo · 23/04/2020 12:33

Thanks @becommingbatshit I really appreciate it. I have had a few bad days - yesterday was one - where I wish I'd aborted the babies or never had children at all. I am SO jealous of those struggling with boredom! So far I've been able to pick myself up and keep on going, but I know I can't sustain this much longer. We've been onto estate agents but nothing is coming on the market. I'd love to go to my mum's - big house, big garden, but she's 2hrs away and, obviously, it's not essential travel...though it may become essential!!

I don't know how single working parents are coping. It must be horrendous!

Tootletum · 23/04/2020 12:39

@QuestionMarkNow actually what happened was he spent over four hours in calls, waved at me to fix the kids several times , and eventually I absolutely lost my shit, and screamed at him that this was bullshit and he shouldn't have had kids if he didn't want to be a father, while he was on (as it turns out) the only one of his many calls that was actually with all his clients...they're apparently still ripping the piss a week later. Grin

isitsummertimeyet · 23/04/2020 12:42

I can only hope this is a joke thread.

you resent your husband to work and bring in a wage because your having to look after your OWN child..

yep, deffo LTB, he sounds so selfish, providing for his family, how dare he..

Northernsoulgirl45 · 23/04/2020 12:52

So in my case I am looking after the kids in exceptional times and single handedly running the home, doing all the cooking etc.
Does that really not equate to an 8 to 4 job isit?

Gruffawoah · 23/04/2020 12:52

Oh fuck off isitsummer. It's challenging with a change of routine, OP said it was light-hearted, and it is hard sometimes.

Northernsoulgirl45 · 23/04/2020 12:53

Paying forthings shoul not entitle you to opt out of everything else but many seem to.

TheOrigBrave · 23/04/2020 13:21

I don't know how single working parents are coping. It must be horrendous!

Yes. My neighbour is a really lovely woman in her mid 20s, single, no kids, furloughed from her job. She sits in the garden reading all day.

I read about 2 lines of my Kindle book at about 1am before it falls on my face...

It's just the way it is obviously.

bgmama · 23/04/2020 13:36

As someone who is looking after toddler DC and working full-time from home due to Covid I find this thread cringeworthy. Claiming it is lighthearted doesn't make it better either.

SharonasCorona · 23/04/2020 13:58

@Gruffawoah well said Grin