Resentful of DH WFH - anyone else?

[Becomingbatshit]

I’m a SAHM and DH is WFH. Of course this means that it’s fair for me to wrangle our hell raising toddler etc. It’s just that I am watching him, pregnant and tired as I am, doing my best to entertain a very bored and pissed off child, sitting nicely in his chair and drinking coffees all fucking day long and it’s giving me serious rage. Yes IABU, I know. But does anyone want to BU with me?! I wish I could be sitting all bloody day with a nice beverage and reading the FT online/doing some work.

This is lighthearted...sort of....

We're both working from home. Initially DH job was insanely busy and mine quiet, so I did the lions share however he still helped. He would make lunch and dinner.

Now his job has quieted down and mine has literally gone insane! So I shut myself away 9-5 and he is doing everything. I feel guilty but I literally barely have time to pee let alone play xbox (I do have the tv on in the background granted). I hope this doesn't annoy him that I'm unavailable. I mean, I think he gets it as he often comes to check on me and I'm glued to my phone so he knows I'm not just dossing.

I think if your DH isn't slammed with work, there is no reason he cant take a 15 minute break a few times a day to take the load off. Even if it's just to bring you a cuppa.

OMG I am a simmering cauldron of rage as welll and I know that I am being (a bit) unreasonable.

I am the bread winner and trying to WFH full time with 2 primary aged DC to parent/home educate/entertain plus sort out all the laundry, shopping, cleaning etc.

DH is an intensive care consultant so not here much and rather stressed/tired when he is. But he is winding me up so much! He keeps having these fucking loud, matey calls with work colleagues, WhatsApp chats etc and does sweet FA.

He had 6 days off last week - they are doing a combo of long days and nights then getting a chunk of time off - and didn't get up before lunchtime a single day. I don't expect to get a lie-in during the week (I need to get up and work) but the fact that he left me to wrangle the children for hours at a time when I'm trying to review complicated agreements, do calls etc has not gone down well with me. Not has the fact that I didn't even get one of the weekend lie-ins. I haven't had a break in weeks and am certainly not getting any time to potter around doing hobbies or fun things with the DC.

When he did finally get up he mooched around sorting out lunch for himself. Everyday I asked him to take DC out for a walk and he "didn't get round to it". He left washing up sitting around for a couple of a days and thought he deserved a medal for putting some washing on. He's done nothing to help towards home schooling the DC. I was extremely stressed regarding a situation with the DC and he did nothing to help, just kept telling me to "chill out". He's off tomorrow and I imagine it will be more of the same. Not sure how much longer I can keep my temper.

I’m not sure how you could resent someone working when it’s being done to cover your costs of living.

Well, aren’t you lucky then.

My husband works three days a week in the office and two days at home. Even though I only see him on his brakes and at lunch, the days he is working from home are much better days for me. Just knowing there is another adult in the house makes my life feel better. I completely understand how that would be the opposite for many people though.

Love a good moan 😂
My DH is a SAHD and I'm a carer in the community and tbh I don't know how you lot do it. I've been doing a lot of split shifts recently and when I get home the chaos that is happening because of the situation can drive me mental but at least I have an escape from it (well kind of, try explaining the situation to dementia patients and getting the to stick to the rules 🤷🤷).

I'd say most WFH people aren't working for a full 9-5 day.

There's definitely periods during the day, where they can stop and help out.

If he has time for loads of coffee breaks, extended toilet breaks and to call his friend in the working day then surely he can condense his time working a bit and come and help when there is a major tantrum or something. If he has time to come and try to chat with you at nap time, he could surely have time to help out a bit more. I know it's a lighthearted thread but I would actually be pissed off with someone spreading 5 hours work over 7 hours so they didnt need to help me, if I was pregnant and struggling with a toddler in lockdown

I am with you! I am 200000 percent sure my husband isn't working 8-4 as I always hear the TV in the 'office' and he's always on his phone when I go to the bathroom upstairs. I know I am unreasonable as when I work evenings I have radio and my phone but I just am jealous of him getting 8 hours a day alone!

So many DHs are the masters of avoidance lol

Mine was too which is why I went back to work fairly soon after DC were born.

I think I was pretty naive thinking there would be equal parenting.

So glad to hear other people struggling a bit too, everyone seems to be crafting and having an amazing time with their DC.

My husband is WFH full time and has to work 7 hours, regardless of how much/little he does, as long as he doesn't do so little that it flags up. So he will sit up there and play PS4, watch stuff on his phone, online shop etc, as long as he moves his mouse now and again the system logs that he is 'working at his computer'. He will even smugly announce he's going to have a shower on company time.

Officially I'm WFH full time but work is so quiet I only really need to do a few hours a week and they can be done any time before whatever deadline we're given.

We have a 17 month old so he's old enough to be into everything but very difficult to actually do activities with as he loses interest very quickly and can't actually do that much. At nursery he does loads of fun things but we don't have the stuff at home and I've tried doing simple things like colouring with him, which he does a bit of at nursery, but I think where he's just sitting there with me he finds it boring. He's a very sociable little boy and absolutely loves going out and about, whether it's nursery, soft play, shopping, whatever. I'm incredibly grateful we have a garden and my mum bought him a sandpit right at the start of lockdown, but even that's lots its novelty so he'll sit it in for about 2 mins then want to do something else but just flits because there's not really anything else to do. If we could go out as normal I'd be relishing the time with him, and everyone keeps saying to enjoy it, but I'm struggling with anything to keep him occupied for more than a few minutes. He has watched soooooo much CBeebies and Fireman Sam.

I also agree with the others that know DH is in the house but isn't really available to help is infuriating. Knowing my DH may well be up there playing PS4 or whatever while I'm changing my 3rd dirty nappy of the day or dealing with another meltdown about not being allowed up the stairs or whatever is irritating. When DH complains he's tired or something I want to kill him 😂

I hear you. Dh is currently working 8 till 4 Mondsy to Friday leaving me in charge of the dc all day every day. I also do everything around the home and garden as he has a health condition. Two of the kids have some issues and are struggling with lockdown.
My income has gone so obviously according to some I should be grateful for dh for providing me with a house and food etc.

When DH is out (season ticket holder so often out all day at the weekend or doesn't come home after work until 12/1am and has done a night away for football too) I find it easier because I know it's just me and DS 🤷‍♀️

I work from home full time and look after two kids who need homeschooling, you’ve hardly got it hard

Big shock to add to my earlier post
Just had a knock at the door and dh had ordered surprise takeaway to be delivered up to us as a little treat cos he knows I'm completely stressed between wfh and looking after the kids at the same time (and the 6yo saying hes hungry a thousand times a day)
And I managed to log on for an hour once the baby went to bed so am now completely finished for the evening and will not be moving off the couch until I go to bed.

Until this happened did you ever feel rage about it? Maybe it’s time for you to get back to work? It is a lot of fun being with adults all day and not toddlers. We sometimes even go to the pub!

I hear you. I’m meant to be working 3 days but am getting furloughed because I cannot do my job while taking full responsibility for our 2 year old. DH is the main breadwinner and works in finance. He is taking calls all day with tiny wee breaks for me to pee in peace here and there. The breaks are meant to be longer but his calls always run over. And often he works on a bit so it’s not as if he just takes over at 5.

I know he’s busy and stressed but he’s upstairs with a coffee machine, goes to the loo in peace when he wants, sees other humans occasionally because he’s the one who goes to the shops as he can drive. One day of each weekend he’ll be out shopping for his elderly parents and dropping off their food, so is away for a good 4 hours. I’m just exhausted and feeling invisible.

@TKAAHUARTG

No - I usually LOVE being at home!! Love love love! Definitely want to stay there.

@Fireba11

My DS is a similar age - it’s a nightmare isn’t it? Won’t do anything for more than 5 minutes and no interest in baking/crafts/anything we can really do together. I’m mostly watching him throw balls around or play with trains and trying to talk to him during that. Fully sympathise

@Dk20

Result!!!!!! What takeaway?!

@AgentCooper

Hug from me to you. Understand you completely!

Both me and my husband are WFH with a one year old. But my husband is the only person in his team NOT to be furloughed and has to carry a ridiculous amount of works on his shoulders. Leaving me to try to work (just hitting important deadlines) and look after the one year old.

We are in a fresh level of HELL on Earth.

Your post resonated with me OP, even though you are a SAHM - I sympathise entirely. He often stops working to sip his coffee thoughtfully whilst I’m trying desperately not to get all my stuff pulled off my desk, coffee included.

@xxromanaxx

There’s obviously something about seeing/knowing someone can finish/enjoy a hot beverage, isn’t there? It just smacks of a type of enjoyment that you can’t have if, as you say, you have a child trying to clamber over you etc. Seeing it repeatedly over the day is 🤬

I wish mine did. Would be fabulous

Yanbu! I've got 3 DC, a teenager who needs help with his school work and two primary age who have been set loads of online work and worksheets. I'm a technophobe and struggling to navigate it all.

DH is wfh in a job he loves. Hogging whole parts of the house to have hours of conference calls in peace. Eats and drinks in peace. Toilets in peace. Whilst I can't even go for a wee. He works late into the evening when he feels like it. Nose always in his phone on the work WhatsApp.

I see so many other dads helping out, even just an hour here and there, and he just acts like it's not his problem and I feel so resentful. I was hoping to turn my hobby into a business before all this and now I don't have a minute to put in the groundwork.

All I asked was could he watch the kids whilst I have an outpatients appointment over the phone Friday and now he's booked a conference call that clashes

DH is WFH but he says it’s worse than being in the office - at least there he gets a kind of lunch break and sees if the sun is shining. Since WFH he’s been given no breaks to grab a sandwich without shovelling it into him. If he goes to the loo, I’m fielding calls, which are relentless.

I get to go out for a walk with the DC every day and we set our own “school” timetable. He doesn’t come up for air before 6pm most days.

I do sometimes resent him lounging in a chair, being brought coffee and food, but soon get over it when I realise he watches us outside, enjoying the beautiful weather, while he has to dial in to relentless meetings, the majority of which he doesn’t really participate in but is expected to attend.

I left all that corporate ballix behind me 10 years ago and do not miss it for a second. I miss payday though!

Yes I feel you! SAHM to 2 and 4 year old. DH working from home. Yes I’m extremely grateful that I’m not trying to juggle the kids and work too, and that DH is getting paid, but it’s exhausting!

Previously my eldest was at nursery 5 mornings a week and the toddler went 2 mornings a week. We also went to variety of play dates and groups and swimming lessons and even just met a friend at the playground. Now it’s just me and the kids all day every day, trying not too make too much noise as DH has calls.

On the other side of this. DH is a SAHD while I'm WFH. I feel sorry for DH having to wrangle toddler at home all day, and it's made worse by toddler's delight in having mummy home, so DH had to drag him off me and deal with ensuing tantrum several times a day. He's says while he appreciates the extra help, it's much harder to deal with DS with me at home.

On my side, I try to resist but I'm still dragged off work frequently. I'm probably only 30% as productive as usual and have a lot of work guilt alongside mum guilt. On top of that my employer has started laying off people so I'm a bit anxious and really want to put in 100%.