Resentful of DH WFH - anyone else?

[Becomingbatshit]

I’m a SAHM and DH is WFH. Of course this means that it’s fair for me to wrangle our hell raising toddler etc. It’s just that I am watching him, pregnant and tired as I am, doing my best to entertain a very bored and pissed off child, sitting nicely in his chair and drinking coffees all fucking day long and it’s giving me serious rage. Yes IABU, I know. But does anyone want to BU with me?! I wish I could be sitting all bloody day with a nice beverage and reading the FT online/doing some work.

This is lighthearted...sort of....

I'm another one where the roles are reversed. DH is furloughed and finding it hard watching our 3 (age 9, 5 and 2) while I'm finding it hard trying to keep on top of a manic time at work, with a slow connection and every fucker needing VCs to go through stuff instead of it being a quick 2mins next to your desk like normal. I do stop for lunch with them, then we go for a walk together so the 2yo can nap in the pushchair, but I have to try and pretend I'm invisible so I don't undermine the routine he's trying to establish, while he has to pretend I'm not here so the kids aren't tempted to disturb me. It's not great, for either of us.

I think everyone is struggling with something in lockdown. As a PP said, the grass is always greener...

I'm WFH with a 6 year old and 10month old, trying to keep the 6 year old up to date with his school work and trying to give the baby what he needs
And work is REALLY busy and weve been put under pressure to take more hours, so in working 7 til 4.30 at the minute and I'll be logging in again once the baby is in bed.
Daily team calls (twice a day) are my favourite part of the day
Dh is going out to work, we joke every morning that he is actually the lucky one because he actually gets to leave and work in peace

For those who are SAHM with young children, surely when your partner is not WFH you usually have to do everything for the child(ren) during the day while he's working?

My BIL takes over for my sister for an hour at lunch and then again at 5 when he finishes. Ask him to do the same.

So he gets no lunch break or time to himself until their children are in bed, but she gets a lunch break and the evening to herself?

@Artie yes but the days & weeks are broken up a bit more (certainly for me with preschool etc) and seeing other people.

I would much rather wfh (with no distractions) than look after the kids.

I’m a single Mum working full time from home with a 7 year old & a 13 year old.

When they eventually go to their Dad’s & I get to do a full days work without any interruptions, it’s bliss.

Anyone looking after kids on their own are the worst off in my book!!!

“ Maybe you should swap roles then. Let him not work and you return.

I’m not sure how you could resent someone working when it’s being done to cover your costs of living.”

“Swapping roles” is not possible right now and you know it.

As for the nature of the husband’s working day. Comments like these make me think that the poster is not familiar with office-based work. The truth is, many people with blue collar jobs are experiencing lower than usual workload right now. Certainly from the OP’s description (reading FT online, long bathroom breaks) it sounds as if this man could afford to knock off early and lend a hand. My husband is.

Artie Life outside the house gives a lot of distraction, they fight less under normal circumstances, and when DH isn't home he's obviously not making conference calls and talking to clients in the house, where I have to keep the children quiet so he can get issues sorted. It's one hell of a lot easier under the normal situation. He's actually enjoying working from home and having less distraction in his workday than when he is at the office.

*white collar. Am sitting here watching DC painting and got confused ☺️

This is why I only ever had one child and went back to work as soon as possible.

In in the same boat OP. And yes, I KNOW he’s paying the bills!!!! But oh how I’d enjoy a quiet day alone in a comfortable home office speaking to civilized adults about grown-up matters. Tapping out some emails, doing a spot of deep thinking and yes, reading the FT online.

Just a day.

Some of the work calls seem to happen at convenient times,

Oh yes, like inthe soit between 11.00a dn 12.00pm so he doenst have to be involved in sorting out lunch.

I could see DH out the patio door working on his laptop in the sun with a beer and a podcast.
Actually I have developped the need to do some work/do some training etc... just to balance things out. They are an excellent excuse for me to say I cant do xxx and to 'force' DH to step up.

We don't have kids and are both working from home but my breaks from work involve doing dishes, sorting washing, preparing meals, cleaning. DH's breaks involve watching TV, talking to mates on the phone, listening to music. He does do stuff when asked but I have to organise everything.

Maybe you should swap roles then. Let him not work and you return.

I’m not sure how you could resent someone working when it’s being done to cover your costs of living

I've done something like this:
Dh working during the week and me a SAHM
Me working at weekends and DH being a SAHD for the 2 days.

I was looking forward to my two days at work that were much easier than being at home with two young dcs. Hence why I never let go of those two days (I know that if I had, then the bulk of the child care and HW would have become mine again).
And DH learnt the hard way that looking after young dcs wasnt that easy afterall. He was much supportive after that!! And respectful of my input as a 'SAHM'

How would you manage if he was at work? Would your wee one be at nursery?

I would have my nanny/housekeeper here twice a week and would be going out every day for his classes/activities and meeting friends.

I love everyone who is also feeling unreasonably resentful!

For those who are SAHM with young children, surely when your partner is not WFH you usually have to do everything for the child(ren) during the day while he's working?

Yes...but we can GO OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!

A child is fine with their toys for a few hours a day. They are not fine with the same fucking toys day in day out day in day out. Same face (mine), no other stimulation no proper exercise other than random running around in the garden or otherwise. It’s honestly totally different. It’s also much more monotonous as no adult conversation for you all day long.

DH and I are both working and are squabbling about who gets to schedule zoom calls when, because it means that we get to leave the room and don't have to supervise the DCs online schooling for that time. One of my calls ended 15 mins early today and I just hid, trying to get more work done until the hour was up.

Rc22 you have described my life. And when I try to talk to DH about it he gets HUGELY defensive. I have been making snide comments about his music practice for a few days (in the middle of the fucking kitchen while I am cooking dinner!!), he has been making snide comments about me wanting to live in a show home and how he was "just about to do it".

There's a big row brewing.

For those who are SAHM with young children, surely when your partner is not WFH you usually have to do everything for the child(ren) during the day while he's working?

But it is 10000000 more irritating when there is someone else in the house who can't/won't help out, than being left alone and having to get on with it. Honestly, a weekend of DH being an arse and not very helpful is more stressful than when he was away for 5 months when DS was a newborn! I'm not sure why, must be some social science behind it. Either way, solidarity ladies.

@SpokeTooSoon

Yes! Just a day!

*But it is 10000000 more irritating when there is someone else in the house who can't/won't help out, than being left alone and having to get on with it

This!!! THIS! He is HERE! He is physically bloody here. If there is a tantrum or carnage and he’s sending emails and could be helping it’s a bit like he’s putting his fingers in his ears and going “la la la” whilst I’m grappling on the floor 😂

God I’m so glad someone finally said it!
Yes I resent him. He’s working longer hours then before but minus the actual commute so I finish up breakfast with the kids alone, clean that all up, home school DC and then do lunch for all of us (whereas before I just sorted myself out for lunch).
DH then fucks off back upstairs and I clear up from lunch and do homeschool while one of the DC naps.
Then I entertain the kids until I have to start dinner. Which DH is not usually home for, but now swans down from the home office to have dinner with us, promptly leaving as soon as he puts his fork down. Leaving me to clear up from dinner, get the DC ready for bed alone and literally as soon as I say goodnight to the last one, he’s miraculously finished for the day.
All the while I say nothing, because I’m the SAHP.
Yes I am the SAHP but normally I have one DC at nursery 5 mornings a week and one in full time education.
To be frank it sucks.

I'm wfh with a four year who whenever I attempt to talk to anyone literally throws a wobble. Today u was talking to a colleague and the four year old three something at me. I mean I really wanted to scream. And as the days go on I wonder how much f*ing longer this life is gonna go on for. At the same time telling myself how blessed and lucky I am to still be alive amidst all this sadness

P. S I'm doing this all alone

Yeah it's great WFH full time OP.

I don't have small children anymore, DH is Full time NHS and out the house all day. Teenagers spend half the day in bed and suit themselves the rest of the time. But honestly working from home is soul destroying. My manager and team are great and we have a daily catch up but i'm fed up working on a small laptop. I'm really busy but struggling to get stuff done as i'm demotivated, it's hard to get info from people and the whole thing lowering my mood and I also can't sleep.

I'm extremely jealous of the folk on furlough, crafting to fill their days etc. I appreciate the reality of that and also of having been laid off and worrying about money or maybe having to deal with kids and possibly working at the same time in a small house, lots of which will be worse than my reality but the grass is always greener.

@TiredofSM

Oh ffs your DH sounds awful! I would be puce in the face from contained rage. Christ alive. My DH currently laughing his head off on a “work call” whilst I feed DS to sleep. I do also think there is an element of him getting to properly communicate with so many people during the day that must be lovely for him. Not just DS/texting friends as no way can I manage a phone call with DS awake/far too tired and want to veg with TV in the evening.

I’m honestly going to bed and falling asleep at 9am every bloody night. It’s exhausting.

@isobel79

I am so sorry - that sounds horrendous. Really really dreadful.

P. S I'm doing this all alone

That sounds very difficult, you have my full sympathy