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Original poster

Should he delete it?

341 replies

emlizcor · 22/04/2020 09:53

Our daughter is 18 and has been driving for about 6 months, she has a black box and and app with her insurance that rates her driving. As we pay for the insurance and obviously want her to be safe and also see the cost come down, my husband, her dad has the app on his phone as well as her. She is not happy at this because alongside rating her speed etc it shows where she has driven. We don’t even look at that as it’s really not that interesting we just check her ratings but she’s kicking off hugely insisting he should delete the app. She says it’s weird and controlling and won’t accept we’re not checking up on her all the time.
Our view is pay your own insurance and we’ll delete it. What do you think?

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 22/04/2020 11:27

I'm really surprised that the parents have access to the driving data at all - how is this set up? You must need some kind of password to set up the app.

I'd delete the app, no-one wants to be monitored at 18. Or you have to make it clear in advance that you will only pay for her insurance if you can attach conditions to it.

Nottherealslimshady · 22/04/2020 11:28

If your mum was helping you pay for something would you expect her to have a say? House, car, wedding, insurance. Parents financially support their children, that's being a parent. I think at 18 you shouldn't be monitoring her driving standard or where shes driving, shes an adult.

Spaghett1 · 22/04/2020 11:29

I would definitely delete it.
Your generosity in paying for the insurance should not be conditional on having this access.
Why not just trust her?
If you are afraid of extra charges then say you are happy to delete it if she promises to cover any premium changes as a result of her driving.
I have weathered the worry of adult children in their first cars, mopeds and motorbikes but you just have to let go. It’s tough.
IF on the other hand there’s another reason you want this info (for example, you don’t like/trust one of her friends) you need to be clear about it in your own mind. This also is something we all have to live with as parents. We can’t protect our children forever.

Nottherealslimshady · 22/04/2020 11:29

Plus, means my husband both have trackers on our cars and can see the other one. We both consented and wanted it. His dad didn't want us to see his so we dont. Consent.

WilburIsSomePig · 22/04/2020 11:32

I wouldn't like someone tracking where I was going either tbh and I don't have 'something to hide'.

Why can't she just show you the part of the app that rates her driving?

Incacat2 · 22/04/2020 11:33

I'd keep it if you're paying. We've got it for our (just) 18 year old daughter. There has been the odd time when I have had to drive her car. We got a speeding warning through from the APP the other day. She was adamant that it was me who had been speeding in her car. She shouted down the phone whilst I was at work about it, which made me angry, I knew it wasn't, we therefore were able to find out exact time and place of the speeding incident and see that it was her who had been driving at the time. It was 45 in a 40 zone for a minute, so hardly the worst speeding ever, but I was grateful for the app at that time. Apart from that, we've not really looked at it.

Boireannachlaidir · 22/04/2020 11:33

Agree with @whirlwinds she can pay for her own then and learn not everything comes to you on a plate.

Billben · 22/04/2020 11:37

I’d delete it. At the age of 18 this just seems controlling. You either help her out of the goodness of your heart or you don’t.

TabbyMumz · 22/04/2020 11:38

I did hear a story once that was quite apt in this respect. Someone told their neighbour that their 18 yr old had reversed into their car in a car park, leaving damage and they wanted it paying for. The app was able to show the car wasnt even there.

yelyah22 · 22/04/2020 11:38

Yeah I'm with her, this is creepy. Were you upfront that you'd have the option to track her when you offered to pay? She's an adult - why should you be monitoring her driving scores anyway? If the cost of her insurance goes up as a result, she can pay the difference - it won't affect you.

TabbyMumz · 22/04/2020 11:39

At the end of the day, if they paid for the car, its theirs, unless they have literally given it to her.

Stifledlife · 22/04/2020 11:40

My son has the same insurance.

Until she can afford the stupendous cost of her own insurance, she is going to have to suck it up.

It's a bit of a two way trust exercise. What she needs to fully understand is if she breaks the rules that they lay down they will threaten to cancel her insurance, and unless she is prepared to take on the task of checking her driving in the app regularly, she may end up not being able to drive anywhere at all.

Tell her to count her blessings!

monkeymonkey2010 · 22/04/2020 11:42

why is she driving a car she can't afford?
does she even have a job to pay for it?

tell her she can start paying her own insurance and then you'll delete it.

fivesecondrule · 22/04/2020 11:42

I'd personally keep the app purely because of the "kicking off hugely". Whilst I agree with a gift not having strings it should surely be received with a degree of gratitude.

How much is her excess OP?

baubled · 22/04/2020 11:44

I'm not sure the argument of "I'm an adult" works when it's clearly only one way, she's not saying "I'm an adult so I'll pay for my own car and insurance is she"

If I was paying I would want to make sure her driving was keeping the premiums down so I wasn't in for a nasty expensive bill which I think is fair enough. If she wants to be an adult and keep a track of that herself she needs to pay for it. For the sake of peace, could you come to a compromise? If her driving has been consistently good for 6 months the app can be deleted?

If someone wanted to pay for my insurance and buy me a car I would happily give them a run down of all the places I'm driving too Grin

MaggieFS · 22/04/2020 11:44

I can't think I ever went anywhere my parents didn't know about, but I would have hated this.

If you have it for keeping an eye on the insurance, why can't you just agree to review the relevant parts of the app on her phone e.g. monthly?

If you have it for any other reason, she has a right to be annoyed. It's weird.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 22/04/2020 11:45

Delete it and ask her to show you every so often the information on her speed etc. If you're not concerned about keeping track of her whereabouts why would you need the app?

As an aside, the "well we're paying for x so you have to accept y" is a crappy attitude. Are you buying insurance or buying control?

BrightYellowDaffodil · 22/04/2020 11:46

Why do you need or want the app if you're not checking up on her?

Maybe give her the money to pay for her insurance, rather than you paying the insurance company directly, on the basis that she will allow you to see the ratings once a week? Being able to check where your adult child is, even if you don't actually do it, is intrusive and OTT.

Alsohuman · 22/04/2020 11:46

When does gratitude become strings? How many wedding threads do we see where it’s unanimous that parental contributions don’t buy a say in wedding planning? Are some strings OK and others not? Where do you draw the line?

I’m camp delete.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 22/04/2020 11:46

There is always a price to pay when you are fiancially dependent on your parents. She cannot have 100% independence until she is supporting herself. If she is living at home it is only courtesy to say where you are going anyway, adult or not

jacks11 · 22/04/2020 11:47

I can see both sides- on the one hand she is very lucky you have funded her car and paid her insurance premium. They are expensive so it is reasonable to a) expect her to drive with care so the car is kept in good condition and keeps her premium as low as possible; and b) to be able to monitor to make sure she is given she has the black box to facilitate it.

On the other hand, I wound have hated knowing my parents could check up on me 24/7- the principle of privacy was important to me at that age. She is clearly telling you it is important to her. I also know my parents would have said “we won’t look” and for the most part would not have- but I also know that curiosity may well have got the better of them at times (human nature bring what it is) and I’m not convinced they would never have had a peak if I’m honest. Maybe your daughter feels the same?

Is there no compromise that would give you the reassurance you need that she is driving safely whilst also preventing her from feeling you are invading her privacy? I think that would be the most sensible way forward. Could she have the app on her phone but agree to show you the data weekly/monthly (or whatever interval you currently check it)? On the understanding that if she refuses to show you the data you will cancel the insurance policy.

ChockyBicky · 22/04/2020 11:48

If I was going to have my car insurance paid for me as a gift I'd accept any conditions and be over the moon.

CtrlU · 22/04/2020 11:48

My money - my rules.

She will have to get used to it. At the end of the day - if she has nothing to hide; what’s the issue with you guys having the App ? It’s not like your stalking her

Bristolbitsandbobs · 22/04/2020 11:50

I think that most of the people on this thread are old enough that this wasn't possible in their day. I left home at 18 and certainly wouldn't have wanted my parents checking my clubbing schedule when i supposed to be studying.

I'd not be dictated to though!

Fralla · 22/04/2020 11:51

I wouldn't feel comfortable either if I was her. She's an adult, she's entitled to some privacy.

Can't she send you a screen shot each week of her stats instead?