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Original poster

Should he delete it?

341 replies

emlizcor · 22/04/2020 09:53

Our daughter is 18 and has been driving for about 6 months, she has a black box and and app with her insurance that rates her driving. As we pay for the insurance and obviously want her to be safe and also see the cost come down, my husband, her dad has the app on his phone as well as her. She is not happy at this because alongside rating her speed etc it shows where she has driven. We don’t even look at that as it’s really not that interesting we just check her ratings but she’s kicking off hugely insisting he should delete the app. She says it’s weird and controlling and won’t accept we’re not checking up on her all the time.
Our view is pay your own insurance and we’ll delete it. What do you think?

OP posts:
CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 22/04/2020 11:00

I pay - I decide
DC pays - they decide

Though I wouldnt be actually that interested in knowing where they have gone. But in case of an emergency I would keep it

BilboBercow · 22/04/2020 11:02

Op you aren't doing a good thing by paying for her insurance if there are strings attached. My mum used too do things like this. Offer to do a good thing for me and when i'd accept it would be held over me as a method of control.
Let her have some privacy as an adult.

LochJessMonster · 22/04/2020 11:03

Tracking your adult child on an app is not normal family life either!
He’s not tracking her. It’s an app for the black box insurance he is paying for. It happens to also have a map of routes, but they don’t look at that.
There is no issue.

opticaldelusion · 22/04/2020 11:04

I don't ever understand why people think paying for something gives you some kind of control over someone. That's a bit warped. I used to buy my husband most of his clothes. It didn't give me the right to tell him what to wear.

artistformerlyknownas · 22/04/2020 11:04

Secondly, I agree with many others that if she wants true independence she pays for it herself. It’s a great life lesson and will serve her well.

I pay - I decide
DC pays - they decide

But you could use those arguments to justify putting a CCTV camera in her bedroom - if she doesn't like it, she can pay for her own house. Ridiculous, no? It's not unreasonable for her to want some freedom and autonomy, even when still being financially supported.

DesperateElf · 22/04/2020 11:05

A bit entitled I think. It's quite a privilege to be able to drive a car at that age, under any conditions. I got my driving license at 35, spent over a year on lessons and paid a fortune to be able to drive.

When she's paying for her car and insurance herself, she can decide, but until then she's enjoying someone else providing an opportunity for her to drive before she's fully able to do this independently. She should appreciate it. But if she isn't able to appreciate it than I'd say it's 'take it or leave it' situation, she has an option of saving up and driving wherever she wants when she's financially independent.

Having some restrictions also means that she will be motivated to become financially independent earlier.

I suspect that she's bored out of her mind during the lockdown and wants to visit a friend without your knowledge.

RantyAnty · 22/04/2020 11:05

18 may be legally adult but to me an adult is someone who pays their way in life. So she lives at home, drives a car paid for by her parents who also pay for insurance and upkeep of it, as well as probably most of the other adult expenses in life.

So keep the tracking more as a safety precaution more than anything.
This is a very different world. It's not so much for snooping but 18 year olds are vulnerable to bad things and influence from unsavory characters.

TeensArghhhh · 22/04/2020 11:05

My DD had a black box fitted to the car she bought when she passed her test at 17. We paid her insurance for the first year. When the black box came off her insurance halved. At 18 she found a job and was able to pay her insurance herself.

I didn’t have the app on my phone. I trusted her to let me know where she was going. She gave me updates about her driving when she received them.

Why does your DH want to monitor DD’s movements? At 18 I guess she is either driving to work/school/college and picking her mates up for a drive in the evenings? Do you not trust your DD?

I doubt she is driving anywhere at the moment

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 22/04/2020 11:06

I would say I would delete it on the understanding that if her insurance goes up next year due to her driving you won't pay anything towards it, she can either pay herself or go without a car.

justanotherneighinparadise · 22/04/2020 11:06

Because in life often the person that pays does have the control. Hence why I said it’s an excellent life lesson on the merits of paying your way and maintaining your independence.

Snakeshoes · 22/04/2020 11:09

It's controlling and I'd delete it. Also can you go back to using the username you started this thread in.Your posts are not highlighted with your capital E.

DesperateElf · 22/04/2020 11:09

I don't think it's controlling at all because we are talking about a young L driver. You could say that driving lessons are controlling too because there is an instructor sitting next to you able to stop the car at any point, and telling you where to go. First year is a bit like an extension of driving lessons, you have to be very very careful, it's a responsible thing to do.

Enough4me · 22/04/2020 11:10

It isn't the same as CCTV in her bedroom or stalking her, the app directly relates to her driving a car at 18 so lucky! .

If she isn't happy to have a car linked to an app she can take buses instead.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 22/04/2020 11:10

Instead of saying "we will pay your insurance" say "we will pay your insurance, up to so much". She shows you the bill when it arrives, you pay up to your limit.

Then it's up to her how she drives and where she goes, and if she's driving irresponsibly she pays the excess not you.

SlothMama · 22/04/2020 11:11

I can see both sides to this argument, if I were her I wouldn't want my parents tracking my movements at 18.

If you saw her ratings were low what would you do, would you take the car away? Because if the only reason you check the app is to see her movements then I'd be on her side. She's an adult and she needs some independence

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 22/04/2020 11:13

I can see both sides, my parents would have joked about checking up on me but wouldn’t do it and I would have joked “caring” but wouldn’t actually care. Why does she care if you see where she’s going? Where is she going that you can’t know?

marblesgoing · 22/04/2020 11:13

The whole stance of if you pay insurance she doesn't get a say if you have the app is controlling op. She's an adult and you guys are helping her into the independent adult world.

We paid the insurance with the black box for first dc and didn't have the app to check his driving. Why would we?
He knew we paid the first year and then he would be paying the next one so if his rating wasn't good it would cost him the next year,not us.

He's three years down the line with a really nice car he bought himself and insurance he sorts himself. He u sweatbands the value of keeping insurance down as he's paying it himself now.

I also can't understand why parents have trackers on their adult kids phones either Hmm

I have a fil who likes to offer financial help or gifting but on his own terms. This is controlling behaviour and I have none of it so checking up where your dd is driving is the same.

I don't blame her for kicking off tbf.

Have a word with dh and tell him it's controlling and not letting her have independence. She'll stop telling you guys anything if she feels your constantly checking on her

RoyalCorgi · 22/04/2020 11:15

I dislike the quid pro quo of "We're paying for your insurance, therefore we have the right to know where you're driving". At 18, children should have the freedom to go where they want without their parents knowing. This generation has had to put up with having their every move watched from day one, so I think when they reach adulthood they deserve to be cut a little slack.

TabbyMumz · 22/04/2020 11:16

"And I appreciate the op says they don't monitor her - but then, if they don't, then they don't really need the app at all."

The app is part of the insurance deal. If her driving is over a certain speed etc, it puts the cost up. It will also monitor them, if they drive the car. It's essentially the car that's being monitored, not the person. We have one for the car our child drives, to be honest we dont look at it much.

Birdsong20 · 22/04/2020 11:17

This would raise my suspicions too. I would personally tell her she is welcome to organise her own insurance if she wants you to delete it.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 22/04/2020 11:18

I’m normally in camp I pay I decide but I would delete it.

DobbysPetCat · 22/04/2020 11:18

We use the apps for our DCs.

It’s handy they don’t have to text to let us know they’ve arrived somewhere safely, it shows us they’re driving sensibly and also I can check before I phone or message so I don’t disturb them whilst driving and they might be tempted to look at their phones or answer. It’s peace of mind for us if they were to break down or have an accident or if their cars were stolen. We bought their cars and insurance and pay for maintenance of their vehicles so they’ve never complained about us having the app. When they pay for everything themselves then it would be their choice whether we could see where they are.

Saladmakesmesad · 22/04/2020 11:20

So she’s cross you don’t trust her to drive sensibly and take control of the app but at the same time is making it clear she doesn’t trust YOU not to look at where she’s been? Why does she think you should trust her when she doesn’t trust you?

Also, I think she likely has something to hide.

I feel very very old and boring but this behaviour seems so entitled to me. A car and insurance paid for her at 18 flipping years old and she’s whining about an app?!

Yes she’s an adult. Adults pay for the things they need, like insurance. And if those things are too expensive, they save up or wait.

whirlwinds · 22/04/2020 11:20

At 18 I was paying for my own insurance! If she wants the freedom she can pay herself.

Binginfjn · 22/04/2020 11:22

I can see both sides.
I’d feel uncomfortable having my whereabouts tracked but at the same time, you’re paying for her insurance so should be able to access the app as a whole.
I think I’d say to her that you won’t be looking at where she goes but you want to make sure she’s driving properly because you are paying for insurance

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